sex in a relationship? (marry, women, love, cheats)

[WestCobb]

Originally Posted by NWPAguy

Go ahead, rip on me for my no-sex-before-marriage standpoint.

Here's the thing.. are you the sort who rips on others for having a more lenient attitude toward sex before marriage than you do? If you are, I'm inclined to ridicule you. If you're not, cool .. I'm glad what you're doing is working for you and your mates.

[djf863000]

I myself am a guy who doesn't need sexual relationship as much as most people. I don't need it to satisfy my love life.

[NWPAguy]

Originally Posted by WestCobb

Here's the thing.. are you the sort who rips on others for having a more lenient attitude toward sex before marriage than you do? If you are, I'm inclined to ridicule you. If you're not, cool .. I'm glad what you're doing is working for you and your mates.

People like to make me out to be an ignorant idiot for thinking that premarital abstinence is the best way to go. They're like "get with the times, bucko, this ain't the 1800s anymore" and stuff like that. I don't remember the last time I ridiculed anyone for being lenient about sex before marriage... I usually hammer on the potential (and often real) negative outcomes of premarital sex. For example, the original poster wouldn't have had a problem where a man left her after four years because he didn't think the sex was that great if she (and he) had never had premarital sex. They could've based their relationship on what really makes a relationship... I mentioned those things before. She wouldn't have been dumped for being a poor sex partner because first of all, there would've been no sex... and second of all, he would've had nobody else to whom he could compare her. In their marriage, they'd have each been each other's best sex partner ever. I've said it before and I'll say it again... my wife and I were virgins when we married and we've had some really funny occurrences in bed... but each of us is still the best sex partner that the other ever had. We laugh at the funny things but not because we're harboring any thoughts of "you don't have a clue... [so-and-so] was a much better lover". We could never think that the sex would give us any reason to get out of the marriage because it is impossible to believe that the grass could be greener somewhere else.

Originally Posted by buildings_and_bridges

I won't be one to do that. I felt the same way until I decided that I didn't care for marriage too much. I'm still extremely conservative about sex compared to the rest of the population, though.

But...

How?

How is it possible that the original poster's situation could NEVER befall anyone who never had sex outside of marriage? Simple. They'd base their relationship on other things because sex was not in the equation. Surely they'd be physically affectionate, and I can promise you that it's easy enough to figure out a person's level of affection and desire therefor, without having sex. No person who had sex outside of marriage was ever dumped by a boyfriend or girlfriend because that person was not satisfying the other sexually. No person who enters into a first marriage as a virgin could have any clue about what is good sex and what is not good sex. I'm sorry, but movies and porn aren't reality... and even if movies and porn do provide the basis for someone's perception of what is/isn't good sex (not that they should), there's nothing wrong with sexual experimentation within marriage.

No divorces ever happened between two people who were virgins at the time they married, due to sexual incompatibility. A person for whom their spouse was their one and only sex partner has absolutely no way of knowing that any other partner could measure up to his/her spouse... and let's face it, almost all divorces happen because one or both of the spouses believe(s) that he/she/they could be happier with someone else or happier alone. A person who doesn't have sex outside of marriage will not have a better sex life while unmarried than he/she does while married... and don't crack jokes about masturbation because you know exactly what I mean. It doesn't measure up to the real thing no matter how dexterous you are. A person could get divorced because he/she would be happier single than in an abusive marriage... but I'm fairly certain that almost all divorces happen when one person believes that he/she could definitely be happier WITH SOMEONE ELSE than with his/her current spouse. It is impossible for two people who were virgins at marriage to divorce for that reason over sex... because they have absolutely no idea. It's easy enough to observe other people's love relationships in the real world and see that that's what you want... so, experience with other relationships doesn't necessarily mean that it's impossible to think the grass could be greener elsewhere... but there are very few people indeed who have been party to another monogamous married couple's sexual relationship.

[Fat Freddy]

Originally Posted by NWPAguy

...my wife and I were virgins when we married ... but each of us is still the best sex partner that the other ever had.

If I had never been to a bakery, I would think that the cookies my cousin made in her Easy Bake were the best deserts I had ever eaten.

[Ivorytickler]

Originally Posted by Fat Freddy

If I had never been to a bakery, I would think that the cookies my cousin made in her Easy Bake were the best deserts I had ever eaten.

And you would be right.

If someone believes what they have is the best, they are truely blessed. Who cares what else is out there when you have what you think is the best?

[sierraAZ]

Originally Posted by Fat Freddy

If I had never been to a bakery, I would think that the cookies my cousin made in her Easy Bake were the best deserts I had ever eaten.

I know! I've been promoting ignorant bliss forever! Right after becoming a born-again virgin may even attempt to try practicing it.

[NWPAguy]

Originally Posted by Fat Freddy

If I had never been to a bakery, I would think that the cookies my cousin made in her Easy Bake were the best deserts I had ever eaten.

First of all, you don't know if they're better than what the bakery makes. The only potato salad I ever had for my first who knows how many years of life was my mom's. To this day, despite having sampled many others (from individual cooks, delis, and restaurants), my mom's is still the best tasting. Therefore, I feel no differently about her potato salad being the best after I've tasted all kinds of others than I did when hers was the only kind I tasted.

Second of all, are you any worse off as a person if your cousin's Easy Bake cookies are, to you, the best you've ever tasted? No. The best is the best and you will look upon it with that much fondness.

[sierraAZ]

Originally Posted by NWPAguy

First of all, you don't know if they're better than what the bakery makes. The only potato salad I ever had for my first who knows how many years of life was my mom's. To this day, despite having sampled many others (from individual cooks, delis, and restaurants), my mom's is still the best tasting. Therefore, I feel no differently about her potato salad being the best after I've tasted all kinds of others than I did when hers was the only kind I tasted.

Second of all, are you any worse off as a person if your cousin's Easy Bake cookies are, to you, the best you've ever tasted? No. The best is the best and you will look upon it with that much fondness.

You're really lucky to be able to think this way. I'm not being sarcastic. I really mean it. Wish I could be like you... Life would be so much easier!

[coosjoaquin]

I think sex is quite important though not essential. From the beginning of the relationship it all sort of leads up to that point

[NWPAguy]

Originally Posted by sierraAZ

You're really lucky to be able to think this way. I'm not being sarcastic. I really mean it. Wish I could be like you... Life would be so much easier!

I've heard "wish I could be like you" from many people and I tell 'em all that I am not Superman and they could easily do as I do and think as I do. I'm a person like everyone else... no better than the next guy... I put my pants on one leg at a time just like everyone else (or I have to sit on the bed to put 'em on all at once, just like everyone else). I have to eat or I will get hungry, just like everyone else... and when I go to the bathroom, it stinks... just like it does with everyone else. If I can do this stuff and be this way, anyone can.

It's just about seeing life for what it is. If you want something to be "the best", the only way you can really assure that it will be is if it is "the only". If it isn't "the only", there is always room for doubt. I could say "this is the best [whatever] I've ever had", and if it wasn't "the only [whatever] I'd ever had", there'd be reason for someone to think I could be lying. Someone would BE ABLE to think that I am telling a white lie just to prevent someone from getting hurt... and therefore, there could still be that shred of doubt and there usually is. Only when it is impossible to tell a lie can the words of a person be taken, indubitably, as true.

Your compliments do warm my heart... but I've never done what I do for the express purpose of being better than other people or being perceived as such. It's sort of like John Travolta as Tony Manero in "Saturday Night Fever"... when his friend goes on and on about how great "Tony" is as a dancer, "Tony" says something like "You could be just as good as me if you practiced." Trust me... it has not always been easy being me. Actually, it's harder more often than easy.