Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
What a load of crap. The person posting above knows nothing about addictions and until they spend some time in 12-step programs they are going to spew garbage like the post above.
Gambling is an addiction.
Drinking alcohol is an addiction.
What's the first thing you hear in 12-step programs for people who have loved ones with addictions such as gambling and alcohol?
You didn't cause it.
You can't cure it.
You can't control it.
Please don't in any way shape or form believe what is stated in this post that it's your fault he gambles and if you were a better wife he wouldn't go out gambling. That is a naive, misdirected, inaccurate, "blame the victim" mentality that is in itself extremely unhealthy. Don't buy into it.
If and when he chooses to seek help for his gambling addiction then there is plenty of help for him in 12-step rooms, wonderful programs.
But again, DO NOT blame yourself for his addiction.
I totally agree. Being in al anon during my separation really helped me to understand that I didn't do this. That I can't control it and I should not enable it.
She should be doing everything in her power to not enable him but that's it. Don't cover for him, don't excuse him and don't bail him out. Other than that, the person she needs to take care of is her. He has to wrestle his own demons.
Addictions are hard to deal with. Sometimes they have to hit bottom to find their way out.
I had two friends who smoked, and I got all over them for it... to the point where I went up to them and swatted the cigarettes right out of their hands.
. If she fills the aforementioned void, my best guess is that his addictive behaviors will stop as if by magic. Wouldn't it be a feather in her cap if she helped him be a better husband without him having to go to a 12-step program? .
Most emphatically NO.
What you are describing is enabling, what you are describing is co-dependent. What you are describing is extremely unhealthy. From your post you suffer from these same symptoms yourself as you see yourself ready, willing, and able to cure other people's addictions by magic.
Al-anon. Check it out. For yourself, the person who wrote this post above. It's in the white pages. Yes, you yourself qualify from what you describe, and as you have friends and family and loved ones who have addictive behavior.
I'm not being flip. Clearly you have an active interest and desire in improving relationships with the friends and loved ones in your life. It doesn't come from books. It doesn't come from on-line forums. It comes from outside help including 12-step programs and counseling. Best wishes to you.
HINT: It's healthy behavior to use this sort of resource. It's unhealthy behavior to say "I can do it myself I don't need that."
thanks to everyone for all their thoughts and imput. i've been reading ' a new earth' by ekhart tolle and it's help tremendously. i haven't so much as breathed a word to him about gambling or my feelings on it since we had it out last friday. granted i haven't spoken to him too much this week but still, i let it go and decided to let him work it out himself. well, yesterday he came right home after cashing his check and said he was going to take a break from gambling. he apologized and aknowleged that he was wrong for coming home late and making me worry. i was quiet and let him talk.
we woke up and had coffee together this morning while discussing ekhart's book. we're not perfect, there's going to be some hardwork but i believe we're going to make it
What you are describing is enabling, what you are describing is co-dependent. What you are describing is extremely unhealthy. From your post you suffer from these same symptoms yourself as you see yourself ready, willing, and able to cure other people's addictions by magic.
Al-anon. Check it out. For yourself, the person who wrote this post above. It's in the white pages. Yes, you yourself qualify from what you describe, and as you have friends and family and loved ones who have addictive behavior.
I'm not being flip. Clearly you have an active interest and desire in improving relationships with the friends and loved ones in your life. It doesn't come from books. It doesn't come from on-line forums. It comes from outside help including 12-step programs and counseling. Best wishes to you.
HINT: It's healthy behavior to use this sort of resource. It's unhealthy behavior to say "I can do it myself I don't need that."
I've never known any addict to bust addiction by attending 12-step programs or whatever... and I've known many addicts who have busted their addictions. When it comes to psychological counselors, I find it difficult to imagine trusting such a person because they're in it for the money and not for the heart. (If someone who needed their help didn't cough up the cash... bingo... no help. For psychological counselors, just as it is for any professional, money talks and everything else walks.)
Personal change comes about when the person realizes that he/she must change. If a wife loves her husband enough, she'll do whatever she can to bust the addiction herself before just giving up... and the same goes for the husband if it is the wife who has the unhealthy addiction.
For example... if I ever found out that my wife developed a harmful addiction... such as, say, SMOKING... I would do whatever I could to stop her from smoking, even if that meant installing a lock onto one of our doors which was operable on both the inside and the outside, physically forcing her into that room and strip-searching her for cigarettes, and personally guarding the door & her so that she could not leave the room unattended for any reason and thusly be able to access cigarettes. The physical addiction is broken in 3 days or less... that's half of the battle. I have it within me to be the world's biggest jerk... and sometimes you have to be what someone would surely consider "a jerk" in order to accomplish something positive. My friends were royally p*ssed when I swatted the cigarettes out of their hands... but they ultimately came back to me on their own and thanked me for it.
I've never known any addict to bust addiction by attending 12-step programs or whatever... and I've known many addicts who have busted their addictions. When it comes to psychological counselors, I find it difficult to imagine trusting such a person because they're in it for the money and not for the heart. (If someone who needed their help didn't cough up the cash... bingo... no help. For psychological counselors, just as it is for any professional, money talks and everything else walks.)
Personal change comes about when the person realizes that he/she must change. If a wife loves her husband enough, she'll do whatever she can to bust the addiction herself before just giving up... and the same goes for the husband if it is the wife who has the unhealthy addiction.
For example... if I ever found out that my wife developed a harmful addiction... such as, say, SMOKING... I would do whatever I could to stop her from smoking, even if that meant installing a lock onto one of our doors which was operable on both the inside and the outside, physically forcing her into that room and strip-searching her for cigarettes, and personally guarding the door & her so that she could not leave the room unattended for any reason and thusly be able to access cigarettes. The physical addiction is broken in 3 days or less... that's half of the battle. I have it within me to be the world's biggest jerk... and sometimes you have to be what someone would surely consider "a jerk" in order to accomplish something positive. My friends were royally p*ssed when I swatted the cigarettes out of their hands... but they ultimately came back to me on their own and thanked me for it.
You can't make somoene else quit an addiction. If only it worked that way.
When it comes to psychological counselors, I find it difficult to imagine trusting such a person because they're in it for the money . (If someone who needed their help didn't cough up the cash... bingo... no help. For psychological counselors, just as it is for any professional, money talks and everything else walks.)
So then if your friends have cancer or diabetes then i guess you can cure them, too, eh?
If someone has diabetes or cancer they go to a medical doctor and they willingly pay for it. If they do as you suggest, go to their friends for cures, or read books and try to cure themselves then their disease goes untreated. It seems to me the friend would say "hey get to a doctor" rather than "hey, i can cure you, you don't need them, they don't know what' they're doing even though they are trained licensed health care professionals and that is their area of expertise."
So then if your friends have cancer or diabetes then i guess you can cure them, too, eh?
If someone has diabetes or cancer they go to a medical doctor and they willingly pay for it. If they do as you suggest, go to their friends for cures, or read books and try to cure themselves then their disease goes untreated. It seems to me the friend would say "hey get to a doctor" rather than "hey, i can cure you, you don't need them, they don't know what' they're doing even though they are trained licensed health care professionals and that is their area of expertise."
Unfortunately, often money does talk. That kind of gives a bad rep to doctors sometimes. But it doesn't change that counseling can be good whether it's for physical ailments or mental ones. That you pay for a service doesn't mean it's devalued. Maybe the OP just needs to find a counselor who does a lot of charity work.
I have a friend who is a counselor and she's actually required to do a certain number of hours per year of charity work for people who can't pay. My neice is working on her PhD in psychiatry and does charity work as well. I hope she continues to do it after she has her own practice. She seems to get a lot of out it. (though she scares the family. She's 25, drop dead gorgeous and does charity counseling at a mens prison )
if I ever found out that my wife developed a harmful addiction... I would do whatever I could to stop her from smoking, even if that meant installing a lock onto one of our doors , physically forcing her into that room and strip-searching her and personally guarding the door so that she could not leave the room
And if you ever lock your wife in a room for anything I hope she calls the cops and you get hauled off to jail where you belong.
Are you even aware that the behavior you endorse is not only insane it is also illegal???
These terms come to mind: dangerous, fanatic, extremist, crazy, zealot, violent.
I honestly fear for your wife living with someone like you. I hope somewhere along the way she has the good sense to get help, get herself to safety, get out.
You can't make somoene else quit an addiction. If only it worked that way.
I don't go for the words "I can't". I've done so, successfully, with at least two people and possibly a third. If I can't do it, how is it that I did it?
I agree with you. Money says "I value myself enough to pay to seek help when I am sick" whether that is a sickness of my body, or a sickness of my mind.
And for the truly needy who seek counseling, there are ALWAYS sliding scales, community services for free or close to it, 12-step groups (free across the board), and the pro bono work ivory mentions.
Mental health is every bit as important as physical health.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
)
