cheating (women, young, friend, definition)

[lovesMountains]

Originally Posted by Ivorytickler

Huh? How did your response to a different thread (and different subject) end up here? At least I think it's a different subject. That is open to debate.

All you have to do is watch and see what happens when spouses cheat. You'll get it after seeing a few dozen cheaters.

Both threads involve cheating, I posted on this one when I was thinking of what you said on the other one! It is clear you have strong feelings on the issue, as well anyone in your situation would. I am certainly not trying to argue with you, only point out to others dealing with this issue that "once a cheater always a cheater" does not HAVE to be true.

[kaykay]

Depends on the circumstances, their level of repentance and many things. You really can't give a simplistic answer to this IMO. I don't think someone who has "cheated" should just be summarily "written off," however.

Good discussion of this issue on the following website (as well as other marital issues.)

Marriage Builders ® - Successful Marriage Advice

[lovesMountains]

Originally Posted by kaykay

Depends on the circumstances, their level of repentance and many things. You really can't give a simplistic answer to this IMO. I don't think someone who has "cheated" should just be summarily "written off," however.

Good discussion of this issue on the following website (as well as other marital issues.)

Marriage Builders ® - Successful Marriage Advice

Very interesting website kaykay, thanks for posting

[mari4him]

I think it depends on the individual persons and their circumstances. The response could be different if it is a short time gf/bf situation and it's been an ongoing problem vs a 15 year marriage w/children where it's a first time occurance. If discovery of the event was via confession vs. being busted. A one time thing vs affair that lasted several months.

It also depends cheater's level of remorse and willingness to do whatever it takes to repair the damage and injured parties ability to forgive, allowing the opportunity for damage to be repaired. I don't think any two cases are exactly alike and each has it's own factors to consider.

Personally, I have been there. Been cheated on and know how horrible that feels. I did forgive and for a very long time never even brought it up. If I was going to give him this one chance, I had to let it go, otherwise it's not truly forgiving.I just figured if it happened again he'd just be gone. No opportunity to explain, to repair, to nothing. It didn't work out in the end, not because I ever caught him cheating again, but for other reasons.

I agree, with some people "once a cheater, always a cheater" most definately applies. Some are just compulsive cheaters. It's a character flaw and inability to remain faithful or comitted to one person. However, I also believe for some it could be a moment of vulnerability, where they failed to be alert of warning signs, got caught up in a situation and common sense went out the window leaving only regret and remorse.

While I do believe cheating most often occurs when there is something wrong with the individual and possibly the relationship, I do not believe in using that as an excuse because there is an alternative. That being working on self and the relationship rather than trying to run away from it by running into someone else's bed.

Bottom line is, you are the only one that can determine what the right course is to take in your situation. Dump the cheater and move on, or seek to forgive and try to work it out. It is only a call that you can make and it is important that it is your own call. Don't base it on what anyone else thinks you should do. That could possibly lead to regret one way or the other later on.

Remember that some people are cheaters and will always be cheaters. Also remember that there are many other people that have had varying levels of character flaws (drug addicts, alcoholics, anger issues, etc) who have sought counseling and recovery and have succeeded being very different people than they used to be. You, and you alone have to see which of those two possible catagories this person may fall into. What you are able to handle in this situation or are willing to go through or put up with.

It is most definately an individual choice that only you can make for yourself.

[lovesMountains]

Originally Posted by mari4him

I think it depends on the individual persons and their circumstances. The response could be different if it is a short time gf/bf situation and it's been an ongoing problem vs a 15 year marriage w/children where it's a first time occurance. If discovery of the event was via confession vs. being busted. A one time thing vs affair that lasted several months.

It also depends cheater's level of remorse and willingness to do whatever it takes to repair the damage and injured parties ability to forgive, allowing the opportunity for damage to be repaired. I don't think any two cases are exactly alike and each has it's own factors to consider.

Personally, I have been there. Been cheated on and know how horrible that feels. I did forgive and for a very long time never even brought it up. If I was going to give him this one chance, I had to let it go, otherwise it's not truly forgiving.I just figured if it happened again he'd just be gone. No opportunity to explain, to repair, to nothing. It didn't work out in the end, not because I ever caught him cheating again, but for other reasons.

I agree, with some people "once a cheater, always a cheater" most definately applies. Some are just compulsive cheaters. It's a character flaw and inability to remain faithful or comitted to one person. However, I also believe for some it could be a moment of vulnerability, where they failed to be alert of warning signs, got caught up in a situation and common sense went out the window leaving only regret and remorse.

While I do believe cheating most often occurs when there is something wrong with the individual and possibly the relationship, I do not believe in using that as an excuse because there is an alternative. That being working on self and the relationship rather than trying to run away from it by running into someone else's bed.

Bottom line is, you are the only one that can determine what the right course is to take in your situation. Dump the cheater and move on, or seek to forgive and try to work it out. It is only a call that you can make and it is important that it is your own call. Don't base it on what anyone else thinks you should do. That could possibly lead to regret one way or the other later on.

Remember that some people are cheaters and will always be cheaters. Also remember that there are many other people that have had varying levels of character flaws (drug addicts, alcoholics, anger issues, etc) who have sought counseling and recovery and have succeeded being very different people than they used to be. You, and you alone have to see which of those two possible catagories this person may fall into. What you are able to handle in this situation or are willing to go through or put up with.

It is most definately an individual choice that only you can make for yourself.

Another good post Yep, this is an individual choice that one must make based on all factors, not on what other people tell you you should do.

[jennaflorrie]

Originally Posted by BLAZER PROPHET

All depends.

Do they have money?

Are they good in bed?

Do they make me look better?

Will they watch the kids while I go play?

There are a lot of questions to consider before taking someone back.

Ditto.

[cremebrulee]

Originally Posted by Ivorytickler

I disagree on one thing. Saying they cheat because their needs are not being met is a cop out. If a relationship is not meeting your needs, either you fix it or you leave. You don't cheat. Only cheaters cheat. Saying people cheat because their relationship doesn't meet their needs places the blame elsewhere but blame belongs squarely on the cheater's shoulders.

Cheating isn't an indication something is wrong with your relationship. It's an indication something is wrong with you. My marriage failed to meet my needs for years. Didn't cheat. It's not in my nature. I would never hurt someone else like that beause I felt unfullfllled. I'm sure my marriage didn't meet my husband's needs for years too (evidenced by trying to crawl into a beer bottle) but he didn't cheat either (well, at least not while we were living together. He doesn't consider dating after he left cheating but I do).

It is an absolute cop out to say that people cheat because their relationship doesn't meet thier needs. That's just an excuse. The nature of relationships is that, sooner or later, you very likely will find yourself in a situation where your relationship doesn't meet your needs. That is not an excuse to cheat. It's reason to work on your relationship and if it can't be fixed, reason to leave it but never reason to cheat. There is no excuse for hurting another person like that. It's an indication that you have issues and don't care who you hurt. I don't care what someone else does to you, if you choose to drop your drawers and play with things you shouldn't, you do that all by yourself. No one is to blame but you.

Absolutely correct!!!!

[pushkinswife]

Originally Posted by sincere1782

Should you take back someone who has cheated on you?

Helllll to the naw!!!!!!

[cremebrulee]

Originally Posted by lovesMountains

I am very sorry for how hurt you were when someone cheated on you

However, I hear this expression repeated A LOT and I just do not agree that "once a cheater always a cheater".

Maybe that is true in many cases, but I know a few where it really is not. I believe if a person has cheated, but then realized with horror and regret what they have done, they can get some help and get back on the right track in life. People who cheat have psychological issues that need to be dealt with. If they face that and get some help, life can be better than ever before. Talking in absolutes and assigning this fate of "once a cheater always a cheater" to every single person who has made this horrible mistake is just not 100% accurate.

I believe there are a few people who cheat and change....because they realize, if they have a consciense, the realization of just how many people they've hurt, causes great guilt, and opens the door for reform...however, in todays' world, the cheater is usually a person who is only interested in self gratification...and cares nothing about all the others they are hurting...not to mention the lies they produce to protect themselves...and whats worse is the person who is cheating with the cheater is no better in my book....you don't ever date a married person, period!

But yes, you are right, there are a few people who do change, but on the whole, not many....change has to come from within someone who cares, who owns morals and realizes the consequences of his/her actions....and the hords of people they hurt. Cheating is a very very selfish act...committed by people who do not own a conscience, much less care about others and who they hurt...again...self gratification and excuses...there is no excuse on God's Green Earth for cheating...none!

I believe there was once a president who said....I would never trust a man who cheats on his wife to be a leader. I agree...although today, cheating is acceptable behavior...we excuse the action by saying...oh, he or she was married to a *****/jerk...sorry, wrong! And if more people would abandon their liberal thinking on subjects like this...well, that's another subject.

[sms0511]

Originally Posted by sincere1782

Should you take back someone who has cheated on you?

ME personally, no! But in your situation, it's completely up to you. Remember, if you have been reading several threads on this forum, you can totally tell that there are different definitions of cheating.