cheating (loyalty, husbands, separate, sex)

[cremebrulee]

Originally Posted by Ivorytickler

I'm so sorry for what you went through. I hope you can move on and make a better life for yourself.

I have moved on and have made life much better for myself, much better, believe me...

but that is not the issue here, is it?

[cremebrulee]

Originally Posted by old_cold

I'm sorry cremebrulee that you had to go through that but........as with so many things, what one persons experience isn't exactly the same as anyone elses and so shouldn't be viewed as the ONLY way to go.
If I listened to your absolute advice I wouldn't be looking forward to my 50th anniversary in 3 years.

I understand what your trying to tell me and respect your sincerity and also the fact that you and your spouse are ones that survived. Congratulations....

If you read my posts, I did say, that there are a few people who are one time cheaters....and never do it again....
but for the most part, and stastically, in todays world, cheating has almost become accepted....which shouldn't be....

Thanks for being so kind

[Ivorytickler]

Originally Posted by cremebrulee

I have moved on and have made life much better for myself, much better, believe me...

but that is not the issue here, is it?

Not for me. Or others caught up with an unfaithful spouse.

As far as I know, this was my husand's first time so I'm where you were when you first found out. We both know how this ends. Why is going there so hard?

[cremebrulee]

Originally Posted by Ivorytickler

Not for me. Or others caught up with an unfaithful spouse.

As far as I know, this was my husand's first time so I'm where you were when you first found out. We both know how this ends. Why is going there so hard?

Because it hurts...because you love him so much, and trusted him with your heart....because your trust was violated...because there is an investment there between the two of you, both time, and money. Because you have a history together, and you felt comfortable with this person...for many reasons it hurts, not just one, and it is hard, but nothing you can't get through....

I remember once, coming home from work, saying to myself...he doesn't run around...he brings his paycheck home....he doesn't drink or take drugs...why do I feel like there is something wrong....so when I found out...I was devestated....I trusted him to be a mature adult...we spoke about this before we were married....and the worst part was finding out she wasn't the first....and the kind of person she was....sheesh....???? Later to find out, that it was the Italian Culture...choose, a woman for your wife, someone you want for the mother of your children...but, never admit running around...and give your wife anything she wants materially....that is how he was raised.

I think to....even worse was the idea that I chose him...and there were flags....but I ignored them...which raised the question...why did I accept so little....why did I marry in the first place when there were flags...why did I give this man my heart....? I looked at both sides of the coin, his and mine....and realized, he was surely not someone I would choose now.

But at the time, I was devoted, loyal and my marriage vows meant so much to me....I enjoyed being a wife....and he told me when we split that I was such a good wife, if only I hadn't found out...can you imagine?

I'm so sorry this happens to you or anyone, and yes, it really hurts....but eventually opens the door to another stage in life, which can be even more productive and sucessful if one take the time and soul searches, spends quality time with self, learning who YOU are, learning your own needs, wants desires and learning how to fulfill them. You also learn, that being a couple is not necessarily fulfilling if you chose the wrong companion. You learn to be at ease and comfortable in your own skin....you also learn you don't have to be married to be successful, and actually, I dearly love my own quality time.

Yes, having a spouse would make things much better financially, but hey, if that is the only reason to marry, then I opt out.....

I don't need to be taken care of....and there are times, not many, that I wish there were someone around....then, I come to my senses and say, no way....never ever again.....so, there are different ways of looking at it.

I've for the first time in my life, haven't been more confident...can do anything I choose to do.....watch anything I want....go to any movie I want. Go on vacation where and when I want, and don't have to answer to anyone.....

You see, the cheating was more or less the icing on the cake. He was very controlling...everything was his way....even the neighbors commented on I had a path to work, and a path to the grocery store, and he went away hunting, fishing, etc.

I never had a good husband, so, in my case, I don't know what I'm missing. Perhaps, if he'd have been worth fighting for, I would have...but he wasn't. And that isn't hate talking, what I'm saying is, he wasn't a good candidate for a husband. He's remarried now, and I think of her so much and feel very badly for her...really do.

So, I'm just one tiny grain of sand, out of an entire beach of experiences....but, bottom line is, statistics do show, in today's world, most people (not all) but the majority of those who cheat, have cheated before and will do it again.

[lovesMountains]

Originally Posted by old_cold

I'm sorry cremebrulee that you had to go through that but........as with so many things, what one persons experience isn't exactly the same as anyone elses and so shouldn't be viewed as the ONLY way to go.
If I listened to your absolute advice I wouldn't be looking forward to my 50th anniversary in 3 years.

I too am sorry to hear when anyone suffers this way, but you bring up an excellent point. Our own personal experiences, especially the bad ones, color our perspective on a subject and can make it very difficult to be objective on that particular subject ever again. That is just something that should be taken into consideration when seeking out individual opinions and why a professional opinion might sometimes be more helpful.

cremebrulee gave advice based on HER experience, so it is not the most objective of advice. However, a mix of opinions on the subject can help people going thru this to think of things they might not have otherwise considered - so it is good to hear her individual perspective.

Likewise, old_cold, your experience of surviving infidelity is a very important perspective to hear, as it CAN be done when couples work together. Congrats on your upcoming 50th anniversary!!

[Ivorytickler]

Originally Posted by cremebrulee

Because it hurts...because you love him so much, and trusted him with your heart....because your trust was violated...because there is an investment there between the two of you, both time, and money. Because you have a history together, and you felt comfortable with this person...for many reasons it hurts, not just one, and it is hard, but nothing you can't get through....

I remember once, coming home from work, saying to myself...he doesn't run around...he brings his paycheck home....he doesn't drink or take drugs...why do I feel like there is something wrong....so when I found out...I was devestated....I trusted him to be a mature adult...we spoke about this before we were married....and the worst part was finding out she wasn't the first....and the kind of person she was....sheesh....???? Later to find out, that it was the Italian Culture...choose, a woman for your wife, someone you want for the mother of your children...but, never admit running around...and give your wife anything she wants materially....that is how he was raised.

I think to....even worse was the idea that I chose him...and there were flags....but I ignored them...which raised the question...why did I accept so little....why did I marry in the first place when there were flags...why did I give this man my heart....? I looked at both sides of the coin, his and mine....and realized, he was surely not someone I would choose now.

But at the time, I was devoted, loyal and my marriage vows meant so much to me....I enjoyed being a wife....and he told me when we split that I was such a good wife, if only I hadn't found out...can you imagine?

I'm so sorry this happens to you or anyone, and yes, it really hurts....but eventually opens the door to another stage in life, which can be even more productive and sucessful if one take the time and soul searches, spends quality time with self, learning who YOU are, learning your own needs, wants desires and learning how to fulfill them. You also learn, that being a couple is not necessarily fulfilling if you chose the wrong companion. You learn to be at ease and comfortable in your own skin....you also learn you don't have to be married to be successful, and actually, I dearly love my own quality time.

Yes, having a spouse would make things much better financially, but hey, if that is the only reason to marry, then I opt out.....

I don't need to be taken care of....and there are times, not many, that I wish there were someone around....then, I come to my senses and say, no way....never ever again.....so, there are different ways of looking at it.

I've for the first time in my life, haven't been more confident...can do anything I choose to do.....watch anything I want....go to any movie I want. Go on vacation where and when I want, and don't have to answer to anyone.....

You see, the cheating was more or less the icing on the cake. He was very controlling...everything was his way....even the neighbors commented on I had a path to work, and a path to the grocery store, and he went away hunting, fishing, etc.

I never had a good husband, so, in my case, I don't know what I'm missing. Perhaps, if he'd have been worth fighting for, I would have...but he wasn't. And that isn't hate talking, what I'm saying is, he wasn't a good candidate for a husband. He's remarried now, and I think of her so much and feel very badly for her...really do.

So, I'm just one tiny grain of sand, out of an entire beach of experiences....but, bottom line is, statistics do show, in today's world, most people (not all) but the majority of those who cheat, have cheated before and will do it again.

Honestly, I don't think a good husband would cheat.

You're right about the emotional investment. It's hard to let go even when you realize it was done long ago. I just need to work my way to that point.

[cremebrulee]

Originally Posted by Ivorytickler

Honestly, I don't think a good husband would cheat.

You're right about the emotional investment. It's hard to let go even when you realize it was done long ago. I just need to work my way to that point.

i don't think so either...the thing I've learned, is, when we look for a companion, we must make absolutely certain they are compatible with our beliefs, our morals. Someone forgot to put that in the manual....but it is very important we look deeply into how they feel about moral subjects, how they treat their parents, and talk to them, how they feel about women...was their mother controlling? Sometimes men cheat on their wives b/c they were taught it was acceptable. My husband's mother put pictures of his father with other women he was with in the war into scrap books??????? What was I thinking? And my husband laughed about it.

So there are things we didn't do, things we didn't look for when we chose our husbands...doesn't excuse them from their short comings....but, we need to make sure, we marry someone who deserves us....yanno?
Someone who would be proud to have a wife like us...someone who thinks and feels like us. yanno?

You'll be fine...I was, and I thought I'd never come back to reality...and neither did my friends....my family was really scared. I never want to be in that place again. It hurts bad, but we learn...we grow, we survive and we become stronger....wiser, for the experience. And think about how much you loved him....and know, you'll love like that again....but next time, more wiser, more refined.....(wink)

Love ya
Creme

[old_cold]

Congrats on your upcoming 50th anniversary!!
Thank you and I am just hoping his poor health doesn't rob us of the fun of reaching that landmark.
Creme.....you are also not wrong when you say once won't be it, statistically.It wasn't just once.
But....the underlying reason had to be settled before the behavior changed.And yes, it was work.....hard work,frustrating and heartbreaking sometimes.
But we both felt that all the other parts of our life together made it worth the work.
Giving up would have been sort of like "throwing the baby out with the bathwater"
Obviously, shattered pride , horrible feelings of insecurity and a ton of other issues had to be dealt with but, you know? I had to learn an awful lot about me at the same time
Dealing with all that meant improvements in every other aspect of dealing with people in general and all other aspects of our life and ended up giving us a good base to withstand the 900 other body-slams that life had in store....and those that may still come.

Hahahah......my husband is 2nd generation Italian by the way so you have an idea of how much work I mean went into this relationship
I so well remember how my mother-in-law commiserated with me and agreed he was such a ****....but then was furious with me one time when I left him!! Ya just don't do that! LOL
Crembrulee....I think you may understand better than most that the infidelity wasn't the worst part. It was that underlying reason for it....the total lack of respect for you as an equal.
I remember getting honest with myself and realizing I was really pissed at that I was 'stuck' home being the good little wife while he was stealing what should have been MY time.......having the freedom to have fun and games without ME.
That's what is the real cheating....cheating you out of all the good times that should be yours.
Some women get this treatment by their husbands and their buddies! No sex involved.
Not being put 'first'.That's why I maintain that infidelity alone is seldom the real problem.
Unless there is more involved, extra-martial sex wouldn't exist....it's just a symptom of more serious issues.

[jmfnme]

[quote=old_cold;4041480]Ivory...I actually read all of your other thread...threads(?) and subsequent posts.
It sounds like you have several very valid reasons for giving up on this marriage and you are using his infidelity AFTER no longer thinking he had a marriage as the excuse that you thought most people would agree with.
Looks like you thought wrong.
Actually, I think it's the only reason that you are allowing yourself since it was the one thing that leaves you faultless.

Right on the money

[asitshouldbe]

Originally Posted by sincere1782

should You Take Back Someone Who Has Cheated On You?

No, not in this lifetime! What message would you be sending if you did? Go ahead and cheat, I'll keep looking the other way. NEVER