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IMHO, it doesn't matter what it's labeled or not labeled. You may feel differently, but I personally would not decide to end a marriage based on what happened when you and he were obviously having some conflict. I would be more interested in what's happening with him now. How does he view what happened? As Pirate Girl asked, is this woman still in his life? If not, I think you should try to put it behind you.
I agree totally! I haven't read through all the posts yet, so maybe there's more info, but if the woman is gone and the marriage is trying to get on track now, that's what matters.... not what he did after you'd filed for divorce.
Edit: I read through some of the latter pages and it appears that you really have your mind made up and plan on continuing to divorce and that he has cheated. It sounds as if you're very hurt, but know what you want to do. Good luck with the path you choose.
Last edited by bluegrassgirl; 06-05-2008 at 08:47 PM..
Reason: Read some additional posts
Actually, I was just looking to see how many others think, like me, that what he did was cheating. I wasn't expecting to be told it was my fault and I gave him a license to cheat because I filed and I should look the other way or something because of that????. That took me aback. I've never once blamed myself for what he did. Men cheat because they want to cheat and regardless of whether or not you consider it cheating, it was his choice to move on. That I can't live with that is just our reality.
I'm also surprised that people think this can be worked out. It's not a choice. If you can't live with something you just can't live with it. Period. I simply cannot live the rest of my life in her shadow. The more time passes, the more it bothers me. Period. I've defended myself against the idea that I'm choosing to end it. I didn't do this. He did. I just can't live with what he did and really don't understand why people think I should.
From the sounds of things people either agree that he cheated or think that the marriage was done and he'd moved on. So either it's a betrayal or he was done and never should have come back because once the marriage was over, it was over. There's no it's over today but back on tomorrow.
Just curious as to when people think a marriage is over. I've always thought it odd that he was dating but I was SOO NOT there. I couldn't even think about dating. I was kind of curious as to whether I was missing something. But the answer seems to be he thought he had license to do what he wanted so he did what he wanted. It's as simple as I saw it. He made his choice.
I really don't think a single person said this situation is your fault, I'm sure most of us realize it takes two to break up a marriage or to make one successful.
What we have been saying is that your actions of filing for divorce caused him to make choices that surprised you, and that you disagree with (dating), but that some of us can understand him making that choice.
Sure wish you could see how one choice led to the other (he left, you filed, he dated, he came back to reconcile, you accuse him of cheating). Many of us firmly believe this situation could be overcome, if you were willing to do the work to get beyond it. But your continual insistance that he did this all to you and that there is nothing left for you to do but divorce him means you really don't want to overcome it. Which is a shame because like someone else said earlier this could easily just be the "for worse" you signed on for in the marriage vows.
Look, regardless of what you choose to do with this marriage, just take this as an observation from an outsider looking on, it may be accurate, it may not be accurate, but it's simply an observation. No real need to come back and defend yourself on it. It really matters not what I think in the end and in the big scheme of things.
To me, and again, just my opinion so please don't take it as any more than that, but you seem to be really head strong and when you set your mind to something there is no changing it and there is no backing down for you. This could be a good thing in a lot of areas of life, however, it could also be a downfall, just a little food for thought.
It's interesting because I actually spent some time today checking out other threads and came across many other posts that you have made in other threads and the attitude that you put forth towards marriage, relationships, sticking it out, working through hard times, changes that take place during marriage and how you at times change for each other, loving someone being a choice, no one being perfect including yourself and as time goes by the less perfect you will be, and about how practicing a behavior or feeling makes for permenance, etc. These things really stood out to me as I went through threads catching up on other happenings around here. Perhaps they stood out because they really seem so opposite end of the spectrum than what you have put out in this thread. It's just a little confusing I guess to me. But that may just be me and it is what it is.
You said he made a choice and it's not over one day and then not the next. Well sometimes in life we make a choice. We face that choice and realize it was not the right one. Sometimes life offers us the opportunity to correct it, sometimes it doesn't. The thing is it's very possible to feel something is over one day and then feel maybe it's not the next. It may be what happened with him and why he came back. It may be what happened with you and may be in part why you accepted him back. Only you are back to feeling it's over and can't be restored. Which is fine, if that is how you feel. Honestly, in that situation, perhaps it is better to divorce. Who knows. But both you and he deserve the right to be happy and in a relationship where both are working towards the same goal and outcome. Doesn't seem thats the case in this marriage anymore.
In any case, you are very right in that no one is perfect. Not him, not you, not me, not anyone. We all have flaws. We all make mistakes. Sometimes we are fortunate enough to receive forgiveness, second chances, grace and mercy, sometimes we simply have to live with the consequences of the mistakes we make. Such is life.
Anyway... not going to ramble. Just wanted to share those thoughts, not in effort to change your mind, not in effort to defend anyone or put blame on anyone. Just in effort to hopefully give you, anyone reading that may receive something from it, and even as a reminder to myself as food for thought and perhaps initiate some self-reflection.
I think you need to divorce him and continue your journey of bitterness and anger so you can be a miserable ex wife to him and teach your kids that mistakes and missteps are not acceptable in your world.
I think you need to divorce him and continue your journey of bitterness and anger so you can be a miserable ex wife to him and teach your kids that mistakes and missteps are not acceptable in your world.
Does that make you happy?
It's the path you're on right now.
LOL, since when is it described as a misstep to cheat on your spouse? Talk about minimizing.
Some things simply are not to get past. That doesn't mean mistakes aren't allowed. A mistake is forgetting to take out the trash not dating other people.
I really don't think a single person said this situation is your fault, I'm sure most of us realize it takes two to break up a marriage or to make one successful.
What we have been saying is that your actions of filing for divorce caused him to make choices that surprised you, and that you disagree with (dating), but that some of us can understand him making that choice.
Sure wish you could see how one choice led to the other (he left, you filed, he dated, he came back to reconcile, you accuse him of cheating). Many of us firmly believe this situation could be overcome, if you were willing to do the work to get beyond it. But your continual insistance that he did this all to you and that there is nothing left for you to do but divorce him means you really don't want to overcome it. Which is a shame because like someone else said earlier this could easily just be the "for worse" you signed on for in the marriage vows.
You just said it's my fault. "What we have been saying is that your actions of filing for divorce caused him to make choices that surprised you". You don't think telling me I caused his choices isn't saying't it's my fault? My actions of filing for divorce (which were my chosen logical legal response to his action of leaving and his conditions which, he's, apparently blamless for ) CAUSED him to make choices????..... Give me a break.. WE make our own choices for our own reasons what anyone else does is irrelevent. Others don't determine what I do and I don't determine what they do. A did not cause B here.
Flip this around. Why didn't his leaving cause me to make such choices? HMMM??? If anyone in this situation had reason to believe it was over, it was me. HE LEFT ME. Yes, I chose to file, and that was my choice. I chose to fight for my kids. I still think that was the right choice. People here seem to be the only ones who think I wasn't right and caused him to cheat because of it.
Men don't cheat becuase of anything their wives to do make them cheat. They cheat because they cheat. They do it because it's what they wanted to do. This is what he wanted. I can't live in her shadow. I will always know that when push comes to shove, he chooses someone else.
If anyone wants to assign cause here, it would be his leaving coupled with his conditions caused me to file. Quite honestly, if he hadn't declared intent to have the kids move in with him, I wouldn't have. Not because I thought he was coming back but because I just don't believe in divorce unless one spouse cheated. I wouldn't have filed untll he moved on to someone else because, for me, that's the point it was over according to my moral code. It would not have mattered what he did as long as he didn't cheat. I would not have felt free to move on until one of us broke our vows.
Last edited by Ivorytickler; 06-06-2008 at 06:29 AM..
I agree totally! I haven't read through all the posts yet, so maybe there's more info, but if the woman is gone and the marriage is trying to get on track now, that's what matters.... not what he did after you'd filed for divorce.
Edit: I read through some of the latter pages and it appears that you really have your mind made up and plan on continuing to divorce and that he has cheated. It sounds as if you're very hurt, but know what you want to do. Good luck with the path you choose.
Thanks. There's knowing what you need to do and then there's getting up the courage to do it. I know I can't get past this and I know that ends everything. It's just beyond what I can tolerate. I can't live second guessing everything because of her. I think we'd both be better off if he just went back to her.
Thanks for trying to understand. Sometimes we're put in situations we just can't deal with. This is mine. I thought I could put it behind me but I just can't. She'll always be there. I'll always stand in her shadow. What my husband and I once had has been trashed.
Best I can tell, the blame is 50/50 for this situation.
He left. +1 for him
You filed for divorce before his side of the bed was cold. + 1 for you
He dated someone else. +1 for him
You cancelled the divorce and reconciled. +1 for you
He came home and has been trying to be a good husband. +1 for him
You can't let go of what you helped to perpetuate and move forward. +1 for you
You have to accept some of the blame for what has happened in your marriage but you refuse to recognize that.
I think your husband, who has been trying to get healthy and work things out would be better off without you. You seem to be a pair of cement boots that will continue weighing him down.
From what you've said, he has moved forward and made progress this year. You, on the other hand, have not. You are living in the past, dwelling on something that you are partially responsible for. You come across as bitter and angry, whereas he seems to want to put that period of time behind him and work on your marriage.
If your hostility and inability to forgive is as clear in person as it is on this board, it would not surprise me if he ends up with custody of the kids. Your description of him tells me that he's a man who has tried and has been successful in making positive changes in his life.
best I Can Tell, The Blame Is 50/50 For This Situation.
He Left. +1 For Him
You Filed For Divorce Before His Side Of The Bed Was Cold. + 1 For You
He Dated Someone Else. +1 For Him
You Cancelled The Divorce And Reconciled. +1 For You
He Came Home And Has Been Trying To Be A Good Husband. +1 For Him
You Can't Let Go Of What You Helped To Perpetuate And Move Forward. +1 For You
You Have To Accept Some Of The Blame For What Has Happened In Your Marriage But You Refuse To Recognize That.
I Think Your Husband, Who Has Been Trying To Get Healthy And Work Things Out Would Be Better Off Without You. You Seem To Be A Pair Of Cement Boots That Will Continue Weighing Him Down.
From What You've Said, He Has Moved Forward And Made Progress This Year. You, On The Other Hand, Have Not. You Are Living In The Past, Dwelling On Something That You Are Partially Responsible For. You Come Across As Bitter And Angry, Whereas He Seems To Want To Put That Period Of Time Behind Him And Work On Your Marriage.
If Your Hostility And Inability To Forgive Is As Clear In Person As It Is On This Board, It Would Not Surprise Me If He Ends Up With Custody Of The Kids. Your Description Of Him Tells Me That He's A Man Who Has Tried And Has Been Successful In Making Positive Changes In His Life.
The Same Cannot Be Said Of You.
I Did Not Make Him Cheat. Period. I didn't make this choice for him, he made it himself. If you want to place blame, put it him for leaving. Would any of this happened if he hadn't?
I don't get the need to blame me for what he did. 50% or otherwise. This was 100% his choice.
So, do tell why his 50% of the blame didn't cause me to cheat? I'll tell you. Because each of us is responsible for our own actions. What anyone else does does not matter. It our personal choice to cheat or not. He chose to cheat. I chose not to. Same blame game you're playing yet only one of us cheated. That should tell you something.
As to accepting blame for what happened in the marriage, that I do. I just don't accept blame because he chose someone else. That was 100% his choice. It was his choice to leave and his choice to be with her. I didn't make him do either. Do you think he's so weak he is driven by what I do?
As to the kids. Why would you think he'll get them? He has to prove me an unfit mother to get the kids. You're way out of line here. Bieng unable to get past cheating doesn't make me an unfit mother.
Last edited by Ivorytickler; 06-06-2008 at 06:57 AM..
And you chose to jump the gun and file for divorce which compelled him to start dating.
When a divorce is in the legal pipeline, it's not cheating in the eyes of the law in most, if not every state.
Just about every contributing member of this thread has reasonable explained to you that he did not cheat.
You're ticked off because you feel that you were replaced so quickly. I'm sure he was ticked off at the time because you started divorce proceedings.
The more you say here, the more I think he was right to leave you in the first place. You come across as unreasonable, angry and righteous. You refuse to accept responsibility for your part in what has happened.
The poor guy is in a lose/lose situation.
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) CAUSED him to make choices????..... Give me a break.. WE make our own choices for our own reasons what anyone else does is irrelevent. Others don't determine what I do and I don't determine what they do. A did not cause B here. 
