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Old 06-04-2008, 11:28 AM
 
Location: Up above the world so high!
45,218 posts, read 100,495,521 times
Reputation: 40198

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ivorytickler View Post
The other woman is never inconsequential to the situation. There shouldn't be another woman. When there is, you're in trouble.

The fact he doesn't want to talk about it tells me all I really need to know.

There's no dropping it. Either it gets resolved or I use up the rest of my retainer with my lawyer. I'm not sure it can be resolved. The more time passes, the more it bothers me. I just feel like the marriage was over the second he decided to be with someone else. It was so easy for him to move on so what do I mean to him? I'm really wondering why he wanted to come back. He left once and saw someone else. What's to stop him from doing it again?
I sincerely hope you are getting some individual counseling! I can completely understand your having all those feelings you discussed above, but you seem "stuck" to me. I would hate to see anyone throw away a marriage that very possibly could be saved. Yours sounds like it is certainly worth it.
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Old 06-04-2008, 11:29 AM
 
Location: Tucson
42,831 posts, read 88,047,000 times
Reputation: 22814
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ivorytickler View Post
Ok, debate my life. I'm struggling with something (that may yet destroy my marriage). Last year, while we were separated, my husband was seeing someone else. He does not consider this cheating but I'm feeling more and more it was.

So, is it cheating to date someone else while separated from your spouse? (he left and I filed for divorce if that matters - I don't think it does).
Well, particularly considering a divorce was already filed, I wouldn't consider it cheating. It beats me how anybody can feel like doing it, but people are different.

Some couples make agreements about the terms of the separation. That's usually those who hope to get back together.
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Old 06-04-2008, 11:29 AM
 
Location: Whoville....
25,386 posts, read 35,469,728 times
Reputation: 14692
Quote:
Originally Posted by drjones96 View Post
Well he may not want to talk about it because he's affaid it will only introduce more unpleasant information to you and reenergize your bad feelings. He may just want to forget it ever happened himself and get back to what's most important to him.....YOU.
Um, yeah. I'm so important he was with someone else. Why couldn't I see that, :LOL.
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Old 06-04-2008, 11:35 AM
 
Location: Kansas
3,855 posts, read 13,248,389 times
Reputation: 1734
Yeah...but you filed for divorce.

Why did he leave in the first place? I know he chose to do it....but what was the alternative? I'm guessing there were some problems at home, no? Not getting laid enough? Lazy wife? Verbal abuse?
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Old 06-04-2008, 11:37 AM
 
Location: England
1,168 posts, read 2,500,439 times
Reputation: 1009
If he had sex with her he cheated. Yes, you were seperated. He might have been hedging his bets/finding comfort whatever. If he didn't have sex then he didn't cheat. Not nice to know he was close to it, getting emotional with someone else. Talk to him about it. He may not tell you the truth though. If he's a good guy and has good character you may want to give him another chance. The choice is yours.
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Old 06-04-2008, 11:46 AM
 
Location: Whoville....
25,386 posts, read 35,469,728 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sierraAZ View Post
Well, particularly considering a divorce was already filed, I wouldn't consider it cheating. It beats me how anybody can feel like doing it, but people are different.

Some couples make agreements about the terms of the separation. That's usually those who hope to get back together.
It was his idea to leave. He claims because he needed time to figure things out. I filed because I needed help paying the bills and to stop him from having the kids move in with him. If he'd managed to take the kids, I would have been lucky to get them back. The divorce was filed to resolve legal issues that resulted from his decision to leave. I'm Christian and only believe in divorce in cases of adultry or abuse. I wouldn't have filed without legal reason to do so and then it would be just a legal move for me. My vow was until death do us part. His, apparently, was until I decide to leave and find someone else.
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Old 06-04-2008, 11:54 AM
 
Location: Whoville....
25,386 posts, read 35,469,728 times
Reputation: 14692
Quote:
Originally Posted by drjones96 View Post
Yeah...but you filed for divorce.

Why did he leave in the first place? I know he chose to do it....but what was the alternative? I'm guessing there were some problems at home, no? Not getting laid enough? Lazy wife? Verbal abuse?
Wow. Blame the wife much? Yeah, it's all my fault. He has no will of his own. If only I'd been a better wife. UGH.
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Old 06-04-2008, 12:00 PM
 
Location: Kansas
3,855 posts, read 13,248,389 times
Reputation: 1734
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ivorytickler View Post
Wow. Blame the wife much? Yeah, it's all my fault. He has no will of his own. If only I'd been a better wife. UGH.
Well you tell me. Why did he leave? Did he just have a brain fart one day and mysteriously wonder out the door? Tell us what was going on that made him want to leave.
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Old 06-04-2008, 12:07 PM
 
Location: Whoville....
25,386 posts, read 35,469,728 times
Reputation: 14692
Quote:
Originally Posted by lovesMountains View Post
I sincerely hope you are getting some individual counseling! I can completely understand your having all those feelings you discussed above, but you seem "stuck" to me. I would hate to see anyone throw away a marriage that very possibly could be saved. Yours sounds like it is certainly worth it.
Yeah, I am stuck. This is something I may not be able to get past.

At the time we reconciled, my biggest concern was him quitting drinking. The couneslor said he needed a year without drinking before he could deal with anything else so I just parked everything I was feeling. We're coming up on that year. My lawyer thought I was nuts but I told him that whether we made it as a couple or not, the kids are better off with him not drinking and I do believe that.

I'm just not sure I can get past the other woman. I thought I could but now that other issues aren't so pressing, this one is getting bigger. It's like draining a swamp and uncovering stumps. We got the big issue out of the way but now I can see the other issues clearly that it was covering and don't know if I can navigate around them.

Last edited by Ivorytickler; 06-04-2008 at 12:16 PM..
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Old 06-04-2008, 12:09 PM
 
Location: Whoville....
25,386 posts, read 35,469,728 times
Reputation: 14692
Quote:
Originally Posted by drjones96 View Post
Well you tell me. Why did he leave? Did he just have a brain fart one day and mysteriously wonder out the door? Tell us what was going on that made him want to leave.
Every suggestion you made blamed me. That is telling.
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