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Old 06-09-2008, 04:46 PM
 
Location: Santa Barbara
1,474 posts, read 1,759,172 times
Reputation: 921
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ivorytickler View Post
You do realize this was a 29 year marriage . I do admit that it will be hard to trust again after this. 29 years is a long time to invest in a relationship.
No I didn't. Your posts didn't make it sound like this was a very long term marriage. It also makes it even harder to wrap my head around how you handled this issue. So if this is his second marriage which lasted 29 years, how long was his first marriage? For some reason I thought that you (op) were fairly young and so was your soon to be ex.
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Old 06-09-2008, 04:49 PM
 
Location: Santa Barbara
1,474 posts, read 1,759,172 times
Reputation: 921
With all the pages and pages of responses, it just dawned on me to ask a question. What do YOU want to happen (question to the OP)? If you could pick your dream conclusion to the situation what would it be?

J
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Old 06-09-2008, 04:50 PM
 
Location: Beautiful Kentucky
820 posts, read 1,802,771 times
Reputation: 507
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ivorytickler View Post
On this you are correct. You cannot convince me to stay with someone who cheated on me nor should you try. It's not up to you to decide whether I can live with someone who cheated on me. It's up to me.

I wonder how many of those here who are so quick to judge me would stay with someone who cheated on them.
Mam, been there, done that and under much worse circumstances than yours. However, no one else's life means squat. We're discussing yours at your request (remember the OP). People aren't really suggesting that you have to stay married - you just can't understand or absorb anything that has been said to you.

I am surprised you've been married 29 years though - I wouldn't have thought you that mature in age. How is it that you have young children and have been married 29 years? I assume that makes you mid 50s? That would really surprise me.... wisdom, apathy, maturity, and many other attributes come with age.
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Old 06-09-2008, 04:52 PM
Status: "Humming "Suicide is painless"" (set 11 days ago)
 
Location: Whoville....
21,230 posts, read 15,030,482 times
Reputation: 10738
Quote:
Originally Posted by jillz View Post
No I didn't. Your posts didn't make it sound like this was a very long term marriage. It also makes it even harder to wrap my head around how you handled this issue. So if this is his second marriage which lasted 29 years, how long was his first marriage? For some reason I thought that you (op) were fairly young and so was your soon to be ex.
His first marriage lasted 7 years and produce 3 children two of which are, biologically, his. Having been cheated on himself, I'm amazed that all he did was justify his actions like people here. It was ok because he'd moved out first and decided we were over. Well, if we were over, what's he doing here?

Honestly, I think I tried again because we'd been together for so long. I shouldn't have. I've always drawn the line at cheating (and abuse). I told him when we got married if he ever hit me or cheated on me I was out the door. I thought I could get past it because we weren't together at the time but I can't. 29 years is a lot to toss on a tryst.
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Old 06-09-2008, 04:55 PM
Status: "Humming "Suicide is painless"" (set 11 days ago)
 
Location: Whoville....
21,230 posts, read 15,030,482 times
Reputation: 10738
Quote:
Originally Posted by bluegrassgirl View Post
Mam, been there, done that and under much worse circumstances than yours. However, no one else's life means squat. We're discussing yours at your request (remember the OP). People aren't really suggesting that you have to stay married - you just can't understand or absorb anything that has been said to you.

I am surprised you've been married 29 years though - I wouldn't have thought you that mature in age. How is it that you have young children and have been married 29 years? I assume that makes you mid 50s? That would really surprise me.... wisdom, apathy, maturity, and many other attributes come with age.
Then why are they arguing with me about not forgiving him? Lots of posts here are telling me how marriage survive this and worse. Well, I don't want a marriage that just survives. If I have one, I want one built in mutual trust and respect. Next time I'll make sure he knows what "til death do you part means". It doesn't mean until I move out, take up with someone else and then want to move back in and we forget the other woman part because of the til death do us part part.

We didn't have children right away. As a step child myself, I understood that to my step children, seeing their father and me with our baby would represent a complete family they were not part of. We waited until they were grown to have children of our own. I'm, considerably younger than him.I'm in my late 40's. I was very young when we got married.
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Old 06-09-2008, 05:00 PM
 
1,072 posts, read 1,511,804 times
Reputation: 491
Quote:
Originally Posted by jillz View Post
No I didn't. Your posts didn't make it sound like this was a very long term marriage. It also makes it even harder to wrap my head around how you handled this issue. So if this is his second marriage which lasted 29 years, how long was his first marriage? For some reason I thought that you (op) were fairly young and so was your soon to be ex.
IVORY, I'm guessing you decided to filter out the part when other posters said that some marriages have survived infidelity AND flourished to even richer marriages. But, yes, the queen of righteousness is always right, right?

Wait, IVORY, you're 39, and you've been married for 29 years, which means that you're married to your current husband when you're.... 10? And he was married for 7 years prior to you?
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Old 06-09-2008, 05:05 PM
Status: "Humming "Suicide is painless"" (set 11 days ago)
 
Location: Whoville....
21,230 posts, read 15,030,482 times
Reputation: 10738
Quote:
Originally Posted by sms0511 View Post
IVORY, I'm guessing you decided to filter out the part when other posters said that some marriages have survived infidelity AND flourished to even richer marriages. But, yes, the queen of righteousness is always right, right?

Wait, IVORY, you're 39, and you've been married for 29 years, which means that you're married to your current husband when you're.... 10? And he was married for 7 years prior to you?
My profile says "39 and holding". It's a joke. I'll be 39 and holding when I'm 100. I'm 49.
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Old 06-09-2008, 05:23 PM
 
Location: Tucson
42,851 posts, read 51,212,921 times
Reputation: 22714
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ivorytickler View Post
My profile says "39 and holding". It's a joke. I'll be 39 and holding when I'm 100. I'm 49.
Boy, you certainly have the energy of 19...
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Old 06-09-2008, 05:24 PM
 
Location: Beautiful Kentucky
820 posts, read 1,802,771 times
Reputation: 507
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ivorytickler View Post
Then why are they arguing with me about not forgiving him? Lots of posts here are telling me how marriage survive this and worse. Well, I don't want a marriage that just survives.
People have tried to help you understand both sides. They have tried to help you understand that you have responsibility in this situation. They have tried to help you understand the value of forgiveness.... regardless if you refile or decide to stay with your husband. They have tried to help you understand your anger. It doesn't matter what a person says to you, you just can't wrap yourself around any of it. When we're so closeminded and angry that we can't see the forest for the trees, it only harms us... well, and our families (whether that be a divorced family or not).

I am surprised to hear that you had children in your forties and are 49. I will tell you that a judge will expect so much more out of you Ivory and I truly am not trying to be mean. You can lash out that you're done with therapy for the timebeing and the therapist didn't think you needed any further treatment, but it doesn't take a brilliant person to recognize that isn't true. If you want to do yourself, your kids, and ultimately your husband any benefit, then return to counseling. Please remember too that whatever is good for your husband (stay together or separate) is good for your kids. Feelings of anger, bitterness, and resentment make for an unhealthy household.... regardless if your husband is there or not.
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Old 06-09-2008, 05:38 PM
Status: "Humming "Suicide is painless"" (set 11 days ago)
 
Location: Whoville....
21,230 posts, read 15,030,482 times
Reputation: 10738
Quote:
Originally Posted by bluegrassgirl View Post
People have tried to help you understand both sides. They have tried to help you understand that you have responsibility in this situation. They have tried to help you understand the value of forgiveness.... regardless if you refile or decide to stay with your husband. They have tried to help you understand your anger. It doesn't matter what a person says to you, you just can't wrap yourself around any of it. When we're so closeminded and angry that we can't see the forest for the trees, it only harms us... well, and our families (whether that be a divorced family or not).

I am surprised to hear that you had children in your forties and are 49. I will tell you that a judge will expect so much more out of you Ivory and I truly am not trying to be mean. You can lash out that you're done with therapy for the timebeing and the therapist didn't think you needed any further treatment, but it doesn't take a brilliant person to recognize that isn't true. If you want to do yourself, your kids, and ultimately your husband any benefit, then return to counseling. Please remember too that whatever is good for your husband (stay together or separate) is good for your kids. Feelings of anger, bitterness, and resentment make for an unhealthy household.... regardless if your husband is there or not.
No, they've tried to justify what he did. And that can't be done.

Actually, my therapist has it right. I have a very strong personality type. I know when I have issues to work through and when I have actions to plan. Therapists are for issues not actions. It's action time.
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