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I've said it before, and I'll say it again; my cousin (in her 40s with 2 kids) married in her early 20s as a virgin.
She had a difficult childhood and got hooked into religion at a young age. Now she deeply regrets being so religious at a young age because it kept her from experiencing more dating and sex.
Now she lives her life wondering what she missed and if there is someone out there who could 'lite her fire' more than her husband does.
I feel sad for her. I think the intimate part of a relationship is too important to be left to chance - it's good to make sure that you are physically compatible before rushing into a marriage together.
I would have had to think very carefully about whether I wanted to seriously date a virgin man in his late 20s. For me that would be a major turn off. I would worry that it meant he was a guy like one of the posters on this forum who has major issues with women and his attitude which are directly attributable to his still being a virgin.
To each his own. If you want to wait until marriage to have sex and don't mind risking a life time of sexual incompatibility, then fine for you.
Others have different views and that is fine too. It is not wrong - in fact it could be argued that it is RIGHT to have pre marital sex, and that waiting is foolish and unnecessary. Oops, that sounded judgemental didn't it. Lol.
We got married at 23. She was my first at 19 when we met in college. We have been married 14 years and I somewhat regret not having other experiences. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like and wonder if that regret will "grow". It doesn't really affect anything, but the thought comes up.
I have a tendancy to proscrastinate, so I was almost 20 before I went thru with it.
Not fun at all, I did love him, so that was good, but I could have just cuddled and kissed and been happy. But I figured, why not? I've got to do it eventually.
While I am not still with "my first", I am with "my second", and the improvements over time are pretty substantial
I was 18, and did it for all the wrong reasons. I thought I was "in love", and indeed, ended up marrying him 2 1/2 years later. What a disaster that was!
The first time was not memorable in a good way. I'll leave out the details, except to say that essential qualities like tenderness and real caring were missing. Does it make any sense for me to say that I thought I was willing and ready, and I really wasn't? I look back now, and I was so incredibly young and naive!
I've said it before, and I'll say it again; my cousin (in her 40s with 2 kids) married in her early 20s as a virgin.
She had a difficult childhood and got hooked into religion at a young age. Now she deeply regrets being so religious at a young age because it kept her from experiencing more dating and sex.
Now she lives her life wondering what she missed and if there is someone out there who could 'lite her fire' more than her husband does.
I feel sad for her. I think the intimate part of a relationship is too important to be left to chance - it's good to make sure that you are physically compatible before rushing into a marriage together.
I would have had to think very carefully about whether I wanted to seriously date a virgin man in his late 20s. For me that would be a major turn off. I would worry that it meant he was a guy like one of the posters on this forum who has major issues with women and his attitude which are directly attributable to his still being a virgin.
To each his own. If you want to wait until marriage to have sex and don't mind risking a life time of sexual incompatibility, then fine for you.
Others have different views and that is fine too. It is not wrong - in fact it could be argued that it is RIGHT to have pre marital sex, and that waiting is foolish and unnecessary. Oops, that sounded judgemental didn't it. Lol.
This irks me. Sex is a very small part of a relationship and if you truly love each other, it will be good-regardless of whether you wait or not. If she regrets being religious and making decisions based on bible principles, then ishe wasnt doing it for that reason anyway, but more than likely she was waiting to make other poeple happy. If she is worrying that someone might 'light her fire' more than her husband, that problem is alot more deeply rooted that sexual.
I'll say it again. If you are physically and emotionally attracted to someone. And if you take the time to know them, resulting in a deep love for that person. You WILL be sexually compatible.
You seem to forget that many people who choose to wait do so because they have a close relationship with God, based on knowledge of his principles set forth in the bible. A love for Him prevents them from taking a step that could potentially be harmful to them. After all, there is nothing to lose by waiting-except maybe a little fun. But there is everything to lose by having sex outside of a committed relationship-sexually transmitted disease, unwanted pregnancies to name a few.
A 31 year old virgin by choice is really a 31 year old virgin by circumstance who has brainwashed himself into believing the circumstances are of his choosing.
Ya know, you're usually very funny but lately you've just been cheesing me off with your assumptions. You don't know my friend from Adam and if you tripped over him on the street, you still wouldn't recognize him as the friend that I'm talking about. Therefore, you have no idea whether or not he is brainwashed.
He was engaged once, and it broke off when he was 22. He said that the girl was trying to pressure him for sex, and he wouldn't budge. Even after the engagement broke off, he said that he was really glad he never gave in to her advances.
It took him a long time to get over the destruction of that relationship, but once he did, he started dating again. He has very high standards and that is why he hasn't had many dates... on top of how he seems happy enough being single. One of his most recent dates was with a woman he worked with whom he discovered, upon going to her apartment to pick her up for a date, was a single mother. Obviously that woman was not a virgin... and if my buddy wanted to nail her, one would think he had a better shot with a woman like that than he would've had with a woman who was still a virgin.
He is very good looking (in my opinion), has a good job, has a college degree, has a really cool sense of humor, and he's very intelligent. He's also very sensitive... if you didn't know him well, you might suspect that he's gay although he is most certainly not gay. He just won't settle for less than what he really wants... and on top of that, he doesn't want kids. That right there makes it hard for him to find a woman even though he's definitely a gentleman. He will eventually find the right woman... and when he does, he will be quite fine with having waited until his 30s to get married and have sex.
Do not presume to know things about people that you don't know. This goes for me too... you told Rathagos that he actually didn't respect my morals and he thought I was a moron... shows how much you know. Just stick to the innocent humor, Freddy... that's what we all like you for.
Everyone, let's keep this thread on topic, and not veer off into personal commentary (attacks), or I'll have to start deleting posts and issuing infractions. Thank you.
This irks me. Sex is a very small part of a relationship and if you truly love each other, it will be good-regardless of whether you wait or not. If she regrets being religious and making decisions based on bible principles, then ishe wasnt doing it for that reason anyway, but more than likely she was waiting to make other poeple happy. .
Whether it irks you or not is irrelevant. Obviously it is a deep regret in her life that she didn't explore her sexuality fully when she had the chance. I have no idea what their sexual relationship is like, but am not surprised that she wonders about what it could have been like. I know I would in a similar circumstance.
Also sex (for a lot of people) is more than just a 'very small part' of marriage. It is certainly not everything, but it is one of the building blocks of a relationship and what distinguishes a couple from just being room mates. It is a hugely bonding experience and sexuality is actually very important to many people.
She wasn't trying to please anyone with the overly religious stuff when she was young. She had a difficult childhood and it was an escape for her. It was that for her until she grew out of it, but it meant that she missed a lot of stuff on the way. This she regrets.
Nothing she can do about it now unless she either wants to cheat (which she won't), or get a divorce (which I doubt). It's basically too late for her to change.
Yes, something is obviously missing if one does not want to get married. Like perhaps the desire to succumb to what basically amounts to a purely religious/legal ceremony. Why is this a problem? Oh, I don't know. Perhaps because not everyone believes in your religion.
Paramour, there is much more to it. (By the way, when it comes to "my religion", what if "my religion" is right? If I believe the earth is roughly spherical and you believe it is flat, well, we all know what is right. That doesn't make it "my opinion" or "my theory" or whatever... that makes it "right". You don't have to follow "my religion" if you don't think it is "right". Everything will be sorted out in the afterlife and then we'll see who was right.)
When my wife and I got married, I didn't want to be bothered with the big ceremony. I thought it'd be a huge pain in the butt... and it certainly was. I wanted to elope and be done with it... couldn't win that battle. One of the reasons why my wife wanted a big ceremony was because she wanted to cement this marriage in front of many witnesses... witnesses who would, in theory, be able to prop us up if we ever started going through bad times. If you do something in front of witnesses, no matter what it is, it's a heck of a lot harder to retract it or deny it later on.
Two people who truly love each other that much would be able to be together as boyfriend-girlfriend indefinitely and still be happy... again, in theory. If that works for you, great. Only you know how iron-clad your commitment is. I believe one of the biggest reasons why people get married is because they want to cement the fact that they belong exclusively and irrevocably to each other. For most people, it's "if you really love me, prove it by claiming me eternally as your own"... and if one won't do that, the depth of love is often questioned. It's so easy for two people who aren't married to walk away from each other. It's a lot harder for married people to do that... which often forces them to work through their problems. As much as it sucks at the time to work through a problem, you build a lot more character by seeing that situation through than you do by running away and seeking someone else (who will come with his/her own problems).
It's kind of like the original Siamese twins, Chang and Eng Bunker. (If you don't know their story, read about them.) They were joined by a band which connected their abdomens, and they actually lived into their 60s. At one point, they got so fed up with each other that they went to a doctor and demanded to be separated. The doctor said "I will perform the surgery if you'd like, but I can guarantee that it will kill both of you". Naturally, they were thusly forced to mend fences... and they did. Would they have mended fences had they been able to separate? My guess is... probably not. Brothers would have lived separate lives forever p*ssed at each other. They were better off, relationally, because they were effectively forced to get along. Any married couple can achieve the same goal if they're committed to working through it.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Hobokenkitchen
I've said it before, and I'll say it again; my cousin (in her 40s with 2 kids) married in her early 20s as a virgin.
She had a difficult childhood and got hooked into religion at a young age. Now she deeply regrets being so religious at a young age because it kept her from experiencing more dating and sex.
Now she lives her life wondering what she missed and if there is someone out there who could 'lite her fire' more than her husband does.
Hobokenkitchen, you and I have never agreed on this topic... but I think that what you're talking about is not really an issue of sex as much as it is an issue of your cousin's relationship with her husband. I'd have to say that if she thinks she missed out on childhood and wonders if there is a better man out there for her, the reason why her sex life is mediocre stems from other aspects of her marriage being poor.
I've said it before and I'll say it again... ANY penis can fit into ANY vagina. Good grief, the vagina can stretch out to accommodate a baby's body when it comes out... I don't care how thick a male's member is, the female body was designed to be able to adapt. I've read that only about 2-3 inches of insertion is required for a woman to feel pleasure... and all adult men have at least that much. Not to mention... that's about all that's necessary for the man to feel pleasure as well. I don't know every man and woman on earth, but I'd be willing to bet that there are no adult heterosexual couples who are totally physically incompatible when it comes to sex. Height and weight differences don't matter a bit... there are different positions. Being a great lover does not involve some sort of empirical "bedroom skill". It involves being caring and sensitive to your partner and doing whatever you can to satisfy his/her sexual desires. When two people love each other, that comes easily. It may take practice, but it does eventually happen.
If he doesn't "light her fire" sexually, I would bet every last thing I own that there is some other problem in their marriage (which may or may not be his fault) stopping that. For example, how are their finances? Does he drink too much? Does she feel inadequate at her job? The list goes on.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Hobokenkitchen
I feel sad for her. I think the intimate part of a relationship is too important to be left to chance - it's good to make sure that you are physically compatible before rushing into a marriage together.
Read above. God designed the human bodies wonderfully... such that the male and female genitals are universally compatible. Therefore, that drops out of the equation and the only aspects of a relationship which affect "sexual compatibility" are love and the willingness to do what it takes to satisfy the other. (I don't give a crap about what anyone says about how a person's body can change... such as if the person gains a lot of weight... and then the physical attraction is no longer there. If the LOVE is there on both sides, two things will be true: 1- Dramatic unpleasant physical changes like that won't happen, 2- Sexual attraction will be there anyway.)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Hobokenkitchen
I would have had to think very carefully about whether I wanted to seriously date a virgin man in his late 20s. For me that would be a major turn off. I would worry that it meant he was a guy like one of the posters on this forum who has major issues with women and his attitude which are directly attributable to his still being a virgin.
I think I know who you're talking about, but the last age at which I was single (and of course still a virgin) was 26. I called that my "mid 20s" but it was in the latter half of the 20s so it could be argued that I was in my "late 20s". I never had major issues with women, and the only attitudes I had which kept me a virgin were rooted in religion and logic. I was very successful with women and there was never a time in my life starting from age 17 where I'd've had any trouble finding a date and getting a girlfriend if I wasn't picky. 20-something virgin men aren't necessarily harboring mental issues.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Hobokenkitchen
To each his own. If you want to wait until marriage to have sex and don't mind risking a life time of sexual incompatibility, then fine for you.
Since men and women are naturally physically compatible, the only way in which someone risks a lifetime of sexual incompatibility is if he/she marries a person with whom he/she is incompatible in many other ways. Let's face it... if a man really loves a woman, he will do whatever she wants and vice versa. If my wife told me tomorrow that she wanted me to tie her to a chair and gag her, then have my way with her because she'd been harboring a "rape fantasy" (which some women have, apparently)... I'd do it even though I've never considered something like that to be sexy or even desirable. I'd do it because I love her and I want to satisfy her. Thankfully, our turn-ons are very similar and we don't have to worry about needing to experiment THAT MUCH in order to be satisfied... but still... I'd do anything for her because I love her. I know she'd do the same for me.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Hobokenkitchen
Others have different views and that is fine too. It is not wrong - in fact it could be argued that it is RIGHT to have pre marital sex, and that waiting is foolish and unnecessary. Oops, that sounded judgemental didn't it. Lol.
Not really... but I'd love to see you try to prove that waiting is "foolish"... when it is the only 100% effective way to prevent STDs, unwanted pregnancy, and the risk of relevant emotional problems.
Quote:
Originally Posted by tgbwc
We got married at 23. She was my first at 19 when we met in college. We have been married 14 years and I somewhat regret not having other experiences. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like and wonder if that regret will "grow". It doesn't really affect anything, but the thought comes up.
I think you may fall into the same category as Hobokenkitchen's cousin. I'm no psychologist, but I'd bet that your relationship with your wife has some other issues which seem on the surface to be completely unrelated to sex.
Quote:
Originally Posted by alicenavada
This irks me. Sex is a very small part of a relationship and if you truly love each other, it will be good-regardless of whether you wait or not.
Absolutely! Think about it this way... if you only ever have sex with one person, that person is always going to be the best sexual partner you've ever had and you'll never know any different. If you have sex with more than one, even if you're lucky enough to marry the one who compares most favorably with the rest, that person is still "the best sexual partner you've ever had"... meaning that he/she cannot possibly be evaluated any more favorably than a unique sex partner could. The only difference is that you'd been with people who were worse. I fail to see how that benefits anyone.
Quote:
Originally Posted by alicenavada
If she regrets being religious and making decisions based on bible principles, then ishe wasnt doing it for that reason anyway, but more than likely she was waiting to make other poeple happy.
Most definitely. I waited for religious and logical reasons... passed up more than my fair share of opportunities... and I don't regret that choice for a second. It was always my choice.
Quote:
Originally Posted by alicenavada
If she is worrying that someone might 'light her fire' more than her husband, that problem is alot more deeply rooted that sexual.
I'll say it again. If you are physically and emotionally attracted to someone. And if you take the time to know them, resulting in a deep love for that person. You WILL be sexually compatible.
Because... everything else is a constant in the equation anyway.
Quote:
Originally Posted by alicenavada
You seem to forget that many people who choose to wait do so because they have a close relationship with God, based on knowledge of his principles set forth in the bible. A love for Him prevents them from taking a step that could potentially be harmful to them. After all, there is nothing to lose by waiting-except maybe a little fun.
And, for a lot of people, that "fun" comes with an attached feeling of guilt... or hoping that nobody finds out... or whatever. My wife and I can have all the sexual "fun" we feel like having, without any guilt, any risk, or any fear of being "caught". We stayed over at my parents' house for Christmas... and bear in mind that I have a brother still living at home who is not married but is sexually active. My mom especially has very old-school views of what's appropriate and what isn't appropriate, sexually. Whenever my brother does anything, he has to do it on the sly. If he ever had sex with anyone at my parents' house and my mom found out, she'd go absolutely postal. She doesn't even let his girlfriends sleep over for the night. However... my wife and I were able to sleep together in the same bed at my parents' house (guilt-free and worry-free) when we visited, and we could "do it" whenever the heck we wanted to. Nobody heard us (amazingly) but if they did, even if it was my mom who heard, they wouldn't have cared. That, to me, is more fun than worrying about being caught... if for no other reason than because I have never been able to get away with anything, ever, at any point in my life, even from when I was a very young child.
Quote:
Originally Posted by alicenavada
But there is everything to lose by having sex outside of a committed relationship-sexually transmitted disease, unwanted pregnancies to name a few.
I don't think I will ever understand why these risks don't dissuade more people from having sex outside of marriage.
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