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Old 06-04-2008, 03:57 PM
 
Location: Catonsville, MD
2,358 posts, read 5,337,228 times
Reputation: 1670

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First, what this poor guy's wife has done is reprehensible and I absolutely do not agree with how she chose to exhibit her unhappiness. I also don't agree with how he has handled the situation. Several posters in this thread have talked about this couple's lack of communication. That seems, to me, to be what has caused the problems.

Having two small children (now 3 and 5,) I personally vouch that our marriage suffered pretty badly after the first one came along. Fortunately, through a previous marriage and divorce, I learned that to get what I needed, I need to point-blank ask for it. So when I'm feeling overwhelmed, though I wish my hubby would be able to SEE that I need help and offer, that's not the way he is, so I directly tell him what I need help with. He is then more than happy to help. In fact, I think it relieves him knowing that he's helping and knowing what I really need him to do.

If she was unhappy and needed help with the baby or around the house or she needed more romantic attention from him, the right answer would be for her to tell this guy that she was overwhelmed, tell him she needed him to do more to help her, and tell him she needed him to help her feel like a desirable woman again. This is NOT blaming the guy. I am making an assumption that she rarely or never asked for help since some women (like me) think they should be able to handle everything on their own without help. And maybe she just seethed inside expecting him to help her out. He may have had no idea that she was unhappy. My husband has asked numerous times why I think I should take on all the responsibility. I really wish I knew why!!

Again, I'm not blaming the guy because he probably didn't know the extent to which she needed help. In an earlier post, somebody (maybe DimSum?) said, My suggestion is that you "court" your wife like you did when you were dating. Have a date night once or twice a month. Bring her flowers, play games.... Help her with the baby... do some dishes... MAKE HER FEEL NEEDED AND DESIRED... not only sexually, but as your best friend. CPG felt that this was blaming the husband and I can see how he sees that (though I agree with dimsum.) But, in the end, I feel it's the wife's fault for not making her needs known to him.

This is all conjecture because none of us really knows, from the OP, if she felt overwhelmed, if she did or didn't ask for help, if hubby had no idea if she needed help, if he refused to help more, or even if he busted his chops helping her 24 hours a day. All I've written is based on my own personal experience. I was horribly overwhelmed, depressed, feeling isolated, exhausted, feeling undesirable, and feeling like I had no desire to do anything. For a short period of time I wallowed in my unhappiness (though I sure didn't have an affair) and then realized if I need something, I really have to ask for it. So I did. I still get overwhelmed and occasionally feel undesirable, but the minute I tell hubby, he does something about it , bless his [helpful when asked] heart .

I have never, thank goodness, experienced infidelity, so I really don't know if hubby can expect to be able to forgive her and to trust her again. There is a child involved, so I'm not sure I'd advise him to throw her out (though I sure understand if he wants to do that.) This is one of those cases where I'd say counseling of some sort, could help this couple sort of whether they should stay together.
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Old 06-04-2008, 07:58 PM
 
Location: Sherman Oaks, CA
6,203 posts, read 15,010,458 times
Reputation: 7951
Wow. If my "beloved" told me they wanted to go spend time with an ex-girlfriend, my answer would be: "Either you leave your key now, or I change the locks once you're gone. Your choice." Child or no child, that is really unconscionable behavior. I'm shocked that the OP even went along with that. I know that we can't control other people's behavior, but at what point do you draw the line? How on earth is she working on their marriage by spending days with an ex?!

I've been a young mom with two children under age 4. I'm sorry, but I was too exhausted and overwhelmed to even think of cheating!

By the way, a 3-hour flight away is not an insurmountable distance. If they "met in the middle" it would only be a 1 1/2 hour flight, right?

I would recommend counseling if this didn't sound like a case of a woman who really wants to have her cake and eat it, too.
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Old 06-04-2008, 10:43 PM
 
Location: USA
1,244 posts, read 2,820,578 times
Reputation: 765
Wow.. okay.

Quote:
Originally Posted by nsa162 View Post
My wife and i have been married for a little over three years. We had a great marriage until after we had our baby a little over a year ago. With a baby comes alot of responsibility and there was no time to ourselves to spend together. We drifted apart and recently she said that she didnt feel like we were spouses anymore because we dont spend time together.
Up to this point here, I'd say hmmmm pretty normal stuff. It happens to couples all the time. Having a baby changes the dynamics in the home and if couples are not careful it is very easy to forget that you each still need each other and that means still being husband and wife and not just mommy and daddy.

Quote:
Originally Posted by nsa162 View Post
She then started contacting an old boyfriend by email.
Big mistake. Huge. This mistake totally on her. She should never ever have contacted her old boyfriend for anything or by any means of communication. If she was not happy in the marriage. If she felt that something was lacking in your relationship. It is with YOU that she needed to discuss these things and with YOU that she needed to try to find solutions to the problem. NOT with another man, and much less with an ex-boyfriend.

Quote:
Originally Posted by nsa162 View Post
She said that she wanted to spend a few days there just to put him out of her mind so we can try to work things out. I agreed.
Next big mistake. Another huge one. This time on your part. Why on earth would you agree to her going to spend some time with her ex-boyfriend. Regardless of whether the marriage was being rocky at this point or not, it's just inappropriate not to mention downright dangerous to the relationship. But even if the marriage was perfect and nothing was ever wrong with the two of you, still the same would apply.

And her... she wanted to spend a few days with him to put him out of her mind and work things out with you. UMMMMMM sorry, she should have put him out of her mind the very first moment he crossed her mind. And what she should have been concerned with is spending a few days with YOU and working things out with YOU.

So let me understand this, because of the baby you guys have not been able to spend much time together. Guess she couldn't go out of her way to create that time for the two of you, but she could manage to find the time to email her ex-boyfriend and she could find the time to spend a few days with her ex-boyfriend.

I was a young mom, 19 when I had my son. By the age of 23 I was raising 3 children ages 4, 3, and 1. I know about the overwhelming task of raising children and how demanding they are on your time. I know how difficult it is to remember that you are still a woman when you spend your days changing diapers and cleaning up spit up. I know how exhausted you are after a day running around behind the kids and then staying up til all hours with a crying baby that just doesn't want to go to sleep. But I also know that time to be with your husband can be found if it is sought and if it is desired.

Sorry but just not feeling the sympathy here towards her actions. They are just wrong and it sounds in a way like you are making some excuses for her actions by pointing out the changes the baby brought about, the drifting apart and the lack of time together . There is no excuse, however, for her turning to an ex-boyfriend in this or any situation when she is married. Not in my eyes at least.

Quote:
Originally Posted by nsa162 View Post
Thinking back it was a stupid idea because i came across some of their emails and its apparent that ive been cheated on.
Well it definately was not the wisest idea and I still can't understand why you went along and agreed with it. If my soon to be husband told me he needed to spend some time with his ex-wife/g-f to sort things out and work things out with me, I would be telling him NO WAY, not happening. If he insisted, I'd be wishing him a happy future with her, because that would be a major dealbreaker and result in the end of a future with me.

Quote:
Originally Posted by nsa162 View Post
I'm not sure if sex was part of it but certainly cuddling and kissing. Thats cheating, too.
Absolutely that is cheating. Her going there to begin with after contacting him and communicating with him and all that other stuff was already the starts of cheating, if not cheating already. And about sex being a part of it... I personally wouldn't doubt it if they were cuddling and kissing. Where do you think she slept those nights there, on his couch? I would find that very hard to believe at this point.

Quote:
Originally Posted by nsa162 View Post
I asked her when she came back from her trip if anything happened and she said no but these emails are to the contrary.
Trying to put all else aside, which I am having a hard time doing, but trying to, the fact that she didn't come out and tell you the truth about the cuddling and kissing, what makes you think anything she is saying to you about that trip is true.

Quote:
Originally Posted by nsa162 View Post
I dont want to tell her that i read her email.
Why not? You afraid she is going to say you didn't trust her and that you violated her privacy. SO. She gave you reason not to trust her. And violating her privacy, well she violated your trust in her and the vows you took the moment she contacted that ex and decided to hop on a plain to go "put him out of her mind".

Personally, I'd print those emails out. I'd then give her one last opportunity to come clean with you about what transpired and what is going on. If she tells you the truth, I'd measure her level of remorse on this situation and what her plans to put this to an end are and how she plans to work on repairing the damage she has caused. If she lies about it, I'd wonder what else she is lying about and what else she will continue to lie about. I'd then confront her with the emails. See what she says then.

I had a similar situation with my ex-boyfriend. I suspected. I found the proof. I preserved the proof. I gave him an opportunity to be honest. He lied. I confronted him with the proof, and he still tried to lie about it. I then told him it was over. End of story.

Quote:
Originally Posted by nsa162 View Post
What should i do? He is a 3 hour flight away so i dont really have to worry about something happening again but still.
Sorry but you do have to worry. A 3 hour flight is not a big deal for two people who want to fool around and who could possibly afford to do so. Whats to stop him from hoping on a plane, making that 3 hour trip and playing house with your wife while you are at work. Whats to stop her from saying she needs another trip to clear her head.

Not to mention, there is still what can continue to occur via emails, IM's, webcams and phone calls.

What should you do? Well I can't tell you what to do and you are really going to have to figure out what is the best course to take for yourself because in the end you will have to live with the decision.

I can only offer you a suggestion. Talk to her. Give her the opportunity to come clean. Confront her if necessary. If you love her and feel that you can forgive her for this and work this out, make marriage counseling a condition of staying together and find a counselor quick. Attend all sessions and deal with the issues and the feelings right away. I would also make it clear that you are not going to tolerate this type of behavior or her cheating. That you will not sit around while she figures out her feelings or desires for her ex-boyfriend and that ALL contact with him must come to an end immediately.

Yeah, I'd suggest you take control of this situation real quick and set up healthy boundaries for the sake of your marriage. Otherwise, you risk her continuing to do what she wants to do while you play doormat and caregiver for your child while she is courting this fling with her ex-boyfriend or any other man.
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Old 06-04-2008, 10:52 PM
 
Location: USA
1,244 posts, read 2,820,578 times
Reputation: 765
Quote:
Originally Posted by lovesMountains View Post
Man, what is it with you guys that are in such a hurry to send people to divorce court?

This man has a problem, a divorce isn't necessarily going to fix that problem. Plus there is a small baby involved, which he would likely not get custody of and would then have to live without.

Why don't we first try suggesting some marriage counseling for this couple? What has happened to them since the birth of their baby is very normal - it happens to MANY people. If his wife is willing to go to some counseling with him she could discover what her real problems are (mostly she apparently wants to just run away to fantasy now that real life has gotten so hard).

nsa162 you must make an appt with a marriage counselor ASAP - your wife needs some help and that means you need to be proactive. Good luck!
While I totally agree with your post in the sense that I have seen it too around these forums, people are really quick to send other people to divorce court. I see that as a very last resort and under very specific situations. I just can't see telling someone to simply go for a divorce. Especially when it is a decision that doesn't effect me or my kids directly and when only one side of a story is being heard, and possibly with a lot of missing little bits of info.

I am also a very strong advocate for marriage and trying to work things out whenever possible. For seeking out marriage counseling and only after doing so, if all else has failed and there really is no resolution to the problems, should a divorce be sought. I think way to many people throw in the towel on a marriage far too easily. It's like getting married with that loophole in the contract that always leaves a back door open. This is just not my view on marriage.

However, the bolded part on your post there, it's not so much a disagreement as it is just a statement. That would highly depend on the state, the court system in that state and what proof he could provide. In some courts of law and before some judges, whether its on the books or not, adultery is not looked upon very kindly when it comes to custody decisions. The fact that this woman left her child for X amount of time so that she could go have an affair with another man 3 hours away by plane, could be frowned upon seriously in a custody battle and gain him an advantage over her as to the best possible parent for the child.
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Old 06-04-2008, 11:37 PM
 
13,460 posts, read 14,445,292 times
Reputation: 7636
Quote:
Originally Posted by jimboburnsy View Post
Print those emails out. Now. It will be gold in divorce court.
Definitely, print those emails and put in a safe place.

If your marriage does end up screwing the pooch you're going to find out that even in the enlightened 21st century, divorce courts seem to have a 1950s mentality.
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Old 06-04-2008, 11:44 PM
 
25,165 posts, read 47,301,031 times
Reputation: 6942
take yourself out to eat at your favorite restraunt. Eat some ribs and drink down a couple of shots. Then have the best dessert there is. Then have some more shots. You'll be just fine.
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Old 06-05-2008, 01:49 AM
 
17 posts, read 42,903 times
Reputation: 10
First why would you be okay with your wife flying to see her ex-boyfiend? Dude she is cheating on you.
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Old 06-05-2008, 06:56 AM
 
Location: Visitation between Wal-Mart & Home Depot
8,309 posts, read 33,322,966 times
Reputation: 7038
Quote:
Originally Posted by artsyguy View Post
take yourself out to eat at your favorite restraunt. Eat some ribs and drink down a couple of shots. Then have the best dessert there is. Then have some more shots. You'll be just fine.
Don't forget to pee in public and kill an animal or two on the way home. I think you need to do something to feel manly again.

Last edited by jimboburnsy; 06-05-2008 at 07:06 AM..
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Old 06-05-2008, 07:01 AM
 
Location: Fort Worth, Texas
10,716 posts, read 31,026,539 times
Reputation: 6654
I am and always have been so focused on my child, no matter how unhappy I have been, I never thought about doing something that would jeopardize her life.

I can't imagine being that selfish and self obsessed.

Lets be honest here, I kind of DOUBT she went to this much trouble to get there to be with him and didn't sleep with him. We're all adults.

I hope she doesn't pass her morals on to her child.
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Old 06-05-2008, 08:36 AM
 
Location: Cream Ridge, NJ
415 posts, read 1,743,467 times
Reputation: 259
Thank you for all your replies. Its really a tough situation. Maybe i am a pushover but even if she truly did cheat on me, i would still try to work things out. I would never cheat on her but if i ever did, i know i would get a second chance. I wont lie though. I feel like ripping the guys head off. That wouldn't solve any problems though. I wouldn't have her or my kid then. In situations like this, human instinct is to just blow a gasket and do like that eminem song "break stuff" says. Right now shes with me not him. I don't plan on letting her go back.Hopefully is was just a one time thing. I don't think divorce would be an option right now. I still love her very much. I am a very forgiving person. It just breaks my heart that something like this happened. I feel that i failed as a spouse. Its just one of those situations where there is no clear cut answer. If there wasn't a baby involved, maybe it would be easier, maybe it wouldn't. The fact is when there is one involved, he cant see parents bicker and fight. Thats why i want to try and work things out. If we do split over this, it would probably be nasty and thats not good for anyone involved.
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