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Old 06-04-2008, 01:05 PM
 
Location: Cream Ridge, NJ
412 posts, read 1,719,190 times
Reputation: 258

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My wife and i have been married for a little over three years. We had a great marriage until after we had our baby a little over a year ago. With a baby comes alot of responsibility and there was no time to ourselves to spend together. We drifted apart and recently she said that she didnt feel like we were spouses anymore because we dont spend time together. She then started contacting an old boyfriend by email. She said that she wanted to spend a few days there just to put him out of her mind so we can try to work things out. I agreed. Thinking back it was a stupid idea because i came across some of their emails and its apparent that ive been cheated on. I'm not sure if sex was part of it but certainly cuddling and kissing. Thats cheating, too. I asked her when she came back from her trip if anything happened and she said no but these emails are to the contrary. I dont want to tell her that i read her email. What should i do? He is a 3 hour flight away so i dont really have to worry about something happening again but still.
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Old 06-04-2008, 01:13 PM
 
Location: Between Philadelphia and Allentown, PA
5,077 posts, read 12,469,947 times
Reputation: 3705
Quote:
Originally Posted by nsa162 View Post
My wife and i have been married for a little over three years. We had a great marriage until after we had our baby a little over a year ago. With a baby comes alot of responsibility and there was no time to ourselves to spend together. We drifted apart and recently she said that she didnt feel like we were spouses anymore because we dont spend time together. She then started contacting an old boyfriend by email. She said that she wanted to spend a few days there just to put him out of her mind so we can try to work things out. I agreed. Thinking back it was a stupid idea because i came across some of their emails and its apparent that ive been cheated on. I'm not sure if sex was part of it but certainly cuddling and kissing. Thats cheating, too. I asked her when she came back from her trip if anything happened and she said no but these emails are to the contrary. I dont want to tell her that i read her email. What should i do? He is a 3 hour flight away so i dont really have to worry about something happening again but still.
I'm going to attempt to respond without sounding critical. And I mean that sincerely although it is online so it's going to sound critical, LOL
Your (and hers) first mistake was not having better communication in the relationship. We have all been there, been married, had kids - kids took over lives, lovelife, marriage goes on back burner for a bit but the key to avoiding that (and I've learned from my own mistakes) is communication. In all reality, she should have come to you and said she's not happy and talked to you about it. Granted we only know what you have posted but you sound young, we don't know your financial situation or whatever but things are hard when you are a newly married couple and then you have a kid. (been there, done that). Yes, you do lose yourself those first few years and what you must learn to do is to communicate with your partner and tell them if you aren't happy.
She should not allowed conversations with another man (let alone an ex b/f) to have gone as far as she did but then makes me think, maybe she was never over him? Does she have esteem issues that would make her seek out another man to fulfill her needs?
Your mistake was allowing her to get on a plane when you knew where she was going. At this point, she has her cake and is eating the heck out of it.
I think you need to confront her about your true feelings and tell her that you want to stay married but that you both are going to have to attend counseling and she's going to have to understand what communication is and how to use it.
I think there may be hope but you should be all over it now and tell her exactly what you know. You wouldn't be checking her emails and distrusting her if she didn't give you a reason to. By the way, I heard this on my local news - it's a federal crime to read someones emails without their permission - so just keep that in mind.
Good luck.
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Old 06-04-2008, 01:17 PM
 
Location: Visitation between Wal-Mart & Home Depot
8,309 posts, read 32,649,531 times
Reputation: 7022
Quote:
Originally Posted by nsa162 View Post
I dont want to tell her that i read her email. What should i do?
Print those emails out. Now. It will be gold in divorce court.
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Old 06-04-2008, 01:18 PM
 
Location: Kansas
3,855 posts, read 11,273,902 times
Reputation: 1693
Good lord.

OK she says "I don't feel like we're spouses anymore." Then she says, "I've got this old boyfriend I need to fly over to to put him out of my mind." Then you look in her email and find that there was probably more evidence of her going away to bang this guy.

That's three red flags....three strikes.....whatever.

If it were me I would have printed the emails (multiple copies w/one being kept in a safe place) and had them sitting on the coffee table when she walked through the front door. "Lucy you've got some explaining to do."
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Old 06-04-2008, 01:22 PM
 
Location: Up above the world so high!
45,264 posts, read 84,412,554 times
Reputation: 39619
Quote:
Originally Posted by jimboburnsy View Post
Print those emails out. Now. It will be gold in divorce court.
Man, what is it with you guys that are in such a hurry to send people to divorce court?

This man has a problem, a divorce isn't necessarily going to fix that problem. Plus there is a small baby involved, which he would likely not get custody of and would then have to live without.

Why don't we first try suggesting some marriage counseling for this couple? What has happened to them since the birth of their baby is very normal - it happens to MANY people. If his wife is willing to go to some counseling with him she could discover what her real problems are (mostly she apparently wants to just run away to fantasy now that real life has gotten so hard).

nsa162 you must make an appt with a marriage counselor ASAP - your wife needs some help and that means you need to be proactive. Good luck!
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Old 06-04-2008, 01:25 PM
 
Location: Michigan
859 posts, read 1,828,902 times
Reputation: 458
leave her, make copys of Emails.......

Why would you even let youre Wife leave to another Guy?
I am sorry,,,, but THAT is crazy and wont solve anything
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Old 06-04-2008, 01:28 PM
 
Location: West Texas
2,440 posts, read 5,163,656 times
Reputation: 3076
Quote:
Originally Posted by lovesMountains View Post
Man, what is it with you guys that are in such a hurry to send people to divorce court?

This man has a problem, a divorce isn't necessarily going to fix that problem. Plus there is a small baby involved, which he would likely not get custody of and would then have to live without.

Why don't we first try suggesting some marriage counseling for this couple? What has happened to them since the birth of their baby is very normal - it happens to MANY people. If his wife is willing to go to some counseling with him she could discover what her real problems are (mostly she apparently wants to just run away to fantasy now that real life has gotten so hard).

nsa162 you must make an appt with a marriage counselor ASAP - your wife needs some help and that means you need to be proactive. Good luck!
I wonder if this would have been the response if it was the guy who cheated on his wife? Not from you, of course, but I saw some pretty nasty replies from people on a guy who cheated on his wife (similar to "take him to the cleaners"). Just wondering...
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Old 06-04-2008, 01:30 PM
 
Location: Up above the world so high!
45,264 posts, read 84,412,554 times
Reputation: 39619
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jasmin71 View Post
leave her, make copys of Emails.......

Why would you even let youre Wife leave to another Guy?
I am sorry,,,, but THAT is crazy and wont solve anything

Sometimes when you are in the middle of an emotional crisis it is not easy to know what the right thing to do is. In fact, thinking straight is almost impossible.

His world was coming apart don't you understand? He already sees he should not have stood by without a fight before she made that trip - but hindsight is always 20-20.
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Old 06-04-2008, 01:30 PM
 
Location: Kansas
3,855 posts, read 11,273,902 times
Reputation: 1693
She pretty much told the guy she was going to go have sex with someone else...not walk out of the marraige or divorce him first...and expect to return home and everything would be better. That's probably the worst slap in the face I could imagine.

I mean did she expect to walk through the front door and have him say "Honey, I'm so glad you flew all that way to bang that guy. I'm so glad you got that out of your system. Now everything is alright with us....unless you feel like you need to spread your legs for some of the guys down at the local bar also. Here let me drive you down there so you can put them out of your mind as well."

The only thing left out of this story is that she didn't punch him in the face and take his child away from him.
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Old 06-04-2008, 01:31 PM
 
Location: West Texas
2,440 posts, read 5,163,656 times
Reputation: 3076
What's the counselor going to say to your wife? "You shouldn't sleep with other people if you have a problem?" If she doesn't know that by now, the counselor isn't going to help. She knew full well what she was doing.

You should talk to her. If she denies it again, confront her with the emails. If she gets defensive instead of extremely remorseful, I think it's safe to say you'll have your answer.

I'm sorry this happened to you , it happened to me, also. But I wasn't married, and as lovesMountains pointed out, there wasn't a baby involved.
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