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Old 06-06-2008, 04:08 AM
 
Location: NoVa
18,435 posts, read 28,159,435 times
Reputation: 19566

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OK, I have no idea if anyone will click on this but here it goes, and Good Morning.

I am separated and my children live with me. For Mothers Day, they both did something really nice for me, not to include spending any money for the most part.

My children were with their dad for Mothers Day but they both left something for me. Mommy, don't look until Mothers Day!

My daughter earns some kind of points at school, and they can buy things with them.

She made me a sweet card which now adornes my mantel in my bedroom. She gave me some Bath and Body Works lotion.

My son made me a card and he bought me some of my favorite kind of Chinese food, leaving ti for me in the fridge, telling me not to eat it til Sunday...

I was supposed to have them on Mothers day as noted in the agreement, but I didn't make a fuss.. every day is Mothers day, right? Right.

lol

So this morning, I remind my son that Fathers Day is coming up. I ask him if he is going to do anything for daddy. No not really.

I have mixed feelings about this. I had decided in the past that I would buy things for him for bday, fathers day, Christmas, etc.

I got him something for Christmas from the kids, and he was not going to get anything for me from them,. but at the last minute he did it.

Things are really... we'll say not so pleasant. The kids can make something for him, and I will give them any materials they need for that. I am not going to buy him anything, as he will not even do his part to take care of them medically as he is court ordered to do.

I hope you don't think I am wrong for that, and if you do, everyone has a right to their own opinion, as it is their own.

I know my son sees his father for what he is.. he's a smart kid. But it kind of hurt when he said that no not really. Maybe he is mad at him. I don't know.

I am not going to force the child to do it, but I will give him the opportunity.

Now, Fathers Day falls on a monday, so I suppose the weekend just prior they will be with me, as scheduled. I don't know.

What do you do? Do you get over the feelings that your child just... doesn't care?

I mean, maybe it's not that he doesn't care, but he is angry at his fathers behavior. I don't know. I am new to this.

Any advice or stories of experience would be much appreciated.

I suppose it wouldn't take much for me to just get over it already instead of typing out a stupid head novel up in here...

Happy Weekend everyone!
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Old 06-06-2008, 04:37 AM
 
Location: In the sunshine on a ship with a plank
3,413 posts, read 7,766,830 times
Reputation: 2213
Robyn, Fathers Day is Sunday June 15th-

And I think the kids should do what they want, if they want to. Maybe they can make him cookies or something.
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Old 06-06-2008, 04:41 AM
 
Location: NoVa
18,435 posts, read 28,159,435 times
Reputation: 19566
Quote:
Originally Posted by pirate girl View Post
Robyn, Fathers Day is Sunday June 15th-

And I think the kids should do what they want, if they want to. Maybe they can make him cookies or something.
Why was I thinking it was on a Monday????

I am due to have them that weekend. We have plans, I wonder if he will want to get them... This weekend is his weekend.

This has worked out weird. Both Mothers Day and Fathers Day falling on the others weekend. I didn't say a word to him about it, and he didn't either.

Maybe I will have the kids pick him out a card and mail it later on in the week. He has not said anything to me, but then again, I don't think he is talking to me, really.

WTH... Things are so weird. Asking l now what L is doing. Wants to give him 2 boatloads of love and a card.
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Old 06-06-2008, 04:44 AM
 
Location: Whoville....
25,391 posts, read 29,314,548 times
Reputation: 14471
I would make the kids do something. It actually will be good for them.

I would not buy a gift from them though. Rather give them the money and let them pick out the gift.

My kids didn't want to do anything for their dad when we were separated because they were mad at him for leaving. Retaliation doesn't work in my book so they were required to do something.
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Old 06-06-2008, 05:01 AM
 
Location: NoVa
18,435 posts, read 28,159,435 times
Reputation: 19566
We left him, they are upset with ghim for his behaviors at time. this is why i asked them what they were going to be doing... I am not going to make them do anything, but the opportunity will be there for them.
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Old 06-06-2008, 08:24 AM
 
Location: Beautiful Kentucky
820 posts, read 2,504,420 times
Reputation: 551
My ex always had another woman in his life and I sort of figured it was up to her to handle any type of gifts. I do remember my kids making cards upon occasion and I would have actually given them the money to get something in particular if they'd ever asked. I guess I never encouraged that though.... but I didn't discourage it neither. Looking back, it always worked itself out. We each always had the kids though on "our" day and I liked it that way.
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Old 06-06-2008, 01:19 PM
sun
 
Location: Central Connecticut
683 posts, read 1,922,120 times
Reputation: 443
While I don't have any affection for the X2B, I think it would be nice if each child could buy a $1 gift for their father and make a card. Even if they made a joint card and bought a joint gift.
It's not really important to do anything, but if you take them to the store and tell them to buy something, even if it's only a magazine or another token gift, they will.
The $1 store is a great place to go for that kind of gift if there's one around. If not the local convenience store will have some nuts, gum, Slim Jim or a bottle opener.
It's not about the money or the gift, but it would be good for the kids to learn to set aside their hard feelings even if it's only out of respect for a silly holiday ritual.
Maybe that could even be enough to stir just a tiny bit of emotion in an old "Scrooge".
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Old 06-06-2008, 01:25 PM
 
Location: Southern California
24,266 posts, read 23,474,975 times
Reputation: 22243
Okay...even though I understand your feelings on the matter (and they are understandable), and even though I realize your kids feel this way now, having had a bad relationship with my own father I can say, make them buy him a card.

The kids do have feelings and opinions and rights, but it's the right thing to do to send a card, and you want to teach your kids that no matter what other people do, *they* do the right and decent thing.

Be casual about it, and acknowledge their feelings, but say, "You are a good and decent person and you do the good and decent thing. Daddy is going through some things right now and I know we don't all feel great about each other all the time, but when you're a grown-up, you'll be glad that you grew up doing the right thing."

That's just how I'd personally handle it. Yes, Daddy has been a ******* from what you've described here in the past, but some people are just incapable of acting appropriately or maturely. Don't let your kids follow that example by basically doing what he's doing...holding grudges, getting in subtle digs (by "forgetting" Father's Day), etc., etc.
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Old 06-06-2008, 01:43 PM
 
Location: Beautiful Kentucky
820 posts, read 2,504,420 times
Reputation: 551
Wonderful advice JerZ!!
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Old 06-06-2008, 01:53 PM
 
Location: West Texas
2,441 posts, read 5,197,101 times
Reputation: 3090
I don't know how old your kids are.. but if they are making cards at school I imagine they can't be that old. If that's true... BE AN ADULT!!!! They are kids... asking them if they want to make/give something to dad is like asking them who they will vote for. That's just dumb. They are going to form their opinion on "daddy" based on two things... what you (and your friends/family) say about him, and what they see themselves. YOU married him... YOU had kids with him. If they are with you it's your responsibility to see that they provide the SAME attention to him that you would want. Anything less is unfair to them. YOU take them to buy cards and a little gift (if you are not strapped for money). Let them figure it out on their own if he's a good daddy or not. It's not for you to say "I don't like the a$$ so if they don't want to make him a card, they don't have to." As the adult you should say, I know you're daddy's not here... but he would probably like a card (and/or gift) from you.

My ex-wife and I are divorced and my kids live with me most of the year. Every year on her birthday, Mother's Day, Valentine's Day, and Christmas, I make sure they have a card and gift for her. I don't spend tons on her, but enough that they can buy what they want to give her and then I send it. My step daughter's dad lives in another state and has been in and out of jail. But I REFUSE to say anything bad about him in front of her and I discourage my wife (her mother) from saying things with her around. She's 11 now and she's realizing things herself ("He said he was going to visit me for the summer, but I don't think he's coming.. he never does.") But she talks to him whenever she wants, etc.

Be the adult. If he's a big jerk, they will discover it on their own... but let them discover it on their own. You just make sure they treat him the way you want to be treated if they were with him.
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