Still thinking of her 20 years later... (marrying, therapy, child, affair)

[Tyler Fitzgerald]

Originally Posted by lovesMountains

I completely disagree. No good could come from him sharing this info with his wife...He does love his wife, he has children he is responsible for and to - there is no reason to risk any of the stability his life has now just to "be honest" with his wife. All it would do is hurt her! In fact, telling her this would be a very selfish thing to do. He is not "in love" with Sarah but rather in love with the memory of her - he certainly seems to understand the difference....

I think this is correct. I feel that I am reasonable and level-headed enough to realize that my feelings for Sarah will come to nothing, that they are essentially irrational. This understanding does not, however, dispel those feelings. But I also know that letting these emotions interfere with my judgment would be grossly irresponsible and could cause great pain to others.

Ivorytickler stated "Can't have what I really want so I'll settle for this wife, this life...Sad IMO." I suppose I could have gone though life single (and not "settle" for my wife Michelle) since Sarah rejected me and she was presumably "The One."

But such an absolutist, all-or-nothing approch to life strikes me as, frankly, deeply naive and suggests a lack of maturity and wisdom. The fact of the matter is that life is filled with sorrow and failure in addition to joy and accomplishment. Anyone who believes the Hollywood idea that the "boy always gets the girl" (or vice versa) is a fool. Life simply doesn't work that way. Had I not "settled" for Michelle I would have missed out on the loving family life that I have, and I would be the worse for it.

lovesMountains, yes, posting my feelings in this forum has been oddly therapeutic (or at least it has felt that way over the past couple of days). These are feelings I have never expressed to another human being; I at least feel somewhat relieved, as if I've been carrying around a secret for 20 years and have finally been able to release it. My posts here have given me the chance to flesh out my emotions in print, and I have REALLY appreciated the comments and feedback. Many thanks.

[lovesMountains]

Originally Posted by Tyler Fitzgerald

I think this is correct. I feel that I am reasonable and level-headed enough to realize that my feelings for Sarah will come to nothing, that they are essentially irrational. This understanding does not, however, dispel those feelings. But I also know that letting these emotions interfere with my judgment would be grossly irresponsible and could cause great pain to others.

Ivorytickler stated "Can't have what I really want so I'll settle for this wife, this life...Sad IMO." I suppose I could have gone though life single (and not "settle" for my wife Michelle) since Sarah rejected me and she was presumably "The One."

But such an absolutist, all-or-nothing approch to life strikes me as, frankly, deeply naive and suggests a lack of maturity and wisdom. The fact of the matter is that life is filled with sorrow and failure in addition to joy and accomplishment. Anyone who believes the Hollywood idea that the "boy always gets the girl" (or vice versa) is a fool. Life simply doesn't work that way. Had I not "settled" for Michelle I would have missed out on the loving family life that I have, and I would be the worse for it.

lovesMountains, yes, posting my feelings in this forum has been oddly therapeutic (or at least it has felt that way over the past couple of days). These are feelings I have never expressed to another human being; I at least feel somewhat relieved, as if I've been carrying around a secret for 20 years and have finally been able to release it. My posts here have given me the chance to flesh out my emotions in print, and I have REALLY appreciated the comments and feedback. Many thanks.

You are very welcome I think you are doing a very wise and loving thing by dealing with this on your own. I also appreciate that as you continue posting I am seeing you gain fresh perspective and peace with your feelings.

[Ivorytickler]

Originally Posted by Tyler Fitzgerald

I think this is correct. I feel that I am reasonable and level-headed enough to realize that my feelings for Sarah will come to nothing, that they are essentially irrational. This understanding does not, however, dispel those feelings. But I also know that letting these emotions interfere with my judgment would be grossly irresponsible and could cause great pain to others.

Ivorytickler stated "Can't have what I really want so I'll settle for this wife, this life...Sad IMO." I suppose I could have gone though life single (and not "settle" for my wife Michelle) since Sarah rejected me and she was presumably "The One."

But such an absolutist, all-or-nothing approch to life strikes me as, frankly, deeply naive and suggests a lack of maturity and wisdom. The fact of the matter is that life is filled with sorrow and failure in addition to joy and accomplishment. Anyone who believes the Hollywood idea that the "boy always gets the girl" (or vice versa) is a fool. Life simply doesn't work that way. Had I not "settled" for Michelle I would have missed out on the loving family life that I have, and I would be the worse for it.

lovesMountains, yes, posting my feelings in this forum has been oddly therapeutic (or at least it has felt that way over the past couple of days). These are feelings I have never expressed to another human being; I at least feel somewhat relieved, as if I've been carrying around a secret for 20 years and have finally been able to release it. My posts here have given me the chance to flesh out my emotions in print, and I have REALLY appreciated the comments and feedback. Many thanks.

What did Michelle give up because you settled for her? Perhaps someone able to give her his whole heart. I'm not at all surprised your marriage isn't exciting. How could it be with you still stuck on Sarah?

When you're married to one person and pining for another, you settled. No immaturity about that one. It's immature to think otherwise. You are married to Michelle and fantasize about Sarah. You don't think that's settling? You settled for Michelle because you can't have Sarah which would have been fine if you'd let Sarah go so you could embrace life with Michelle. You didn't. You've clung to the fantasy even after all these years. I'd be really surprised if this has not negatively impacted the quality of your marriage.

You said yourself in your OP that you "still long for Sarah". You're married to Michelle but LONGING for Sarah. You don't think there's something wrong with that? How can you give your heart to Michelle if you long for Sarah?

I think you need to decide which one you want. You're with Michelle but longing for, pining for and googling Sarah. Getting closer and closer to what????

One could say I settled for my husband but I let my ex go. I didn't continue to fantasize about him, wonder what might have been, google his name and address and try to find details of his life. That's part of my past life. I have fond memories but they're just memories. No longing for him or anything in spite of the fact that was the time in my life I felt the most intense emotion called love. I realize that I was young and young people often have intense feelings but they don't last. That feeling wouldn't be there today if I had stayed with him either. You need to get to the bottom of why you can't get past Sarah. You owe Michelle that much.

[old_cold]

Had I not "settled" for Michelle I would have missed out on the loving family life that I have, and I would be the worse for it

Oh yeah....you watched out for yourself......problem is that Michelle wasn't given the choice of deciding whether or not she wanted to settle for someone that was going to cheat her out of being first choice.
Suppose you just better hope nobody comes along someday that wakes her up to the difference in being adored and being settled for.
Isn't there a thread on 'what is cheating'?
You have cheated on this woman and are still.

[therewego]

Hmmm, I have not read ALL the posts so if I repeat a suggestion, oh well...Put yourself in your wife's shoes. Imagine if she had a long lost love and 20 years later she is still thinking of him/her, what would you want her to do? Would you appreciate it if she was telling you that she still thinks of that person? I say, you have to let go of her and move on...maybe even do a private ceremony where you write her name down on a piece of paper and burn it or toss it in the ocean somewhere. I wish you luck.

[Ivorytickler]

Originally Posted by old_cold

Had I not "settled" for Michelle I would have missed out on the loving family life that I have, and I would be the worse for it

Oh yeah....you watched out for yourself......problem is that Michelle wasn't given the choice of deciding whether or not she wanted to settle for someone that was going to cheat her out of being first choice.
Suppose you just better hope nobody comes along someday that wakes her up to the difference in being adored and being settled for.
Isn't there a thread on 'what is cheating'?
You have cheated on this woman and are still.

Good post. I agree.

[jennaflorrie]

Try showing your wife you really, really love her. Buy her flowers, pour your romanitic tendancies on her. Who know where that will lead....

[pigeonhole]

Sarah is my mother's surname. While I was reading Tyler's posting, I was thinking : "how could he fall in love with her? I see he didn't know who the ***** really was".
Sorry if some are shocked....

[Tyler Fitzgerald]

Originally Posted by old_cold

...Isn't there a thread on 'what is cheating'?
You have cheated on this woman and are still.

Nonsense. I love my wife very much and have done nothing inconsistent with my promise to her. Furthermore, to make no distinction between thoughts and actions is patently absurd. Though I may still have thoughts and feelings for Sarah, I have not acted upon those feelings. I have not tried to rekindle a old romance, nor have I even attempted to contact her. Asserting that having feelings for two different people is somehow "cheating" against one (or both) of them suggests a very stunted view of the complexity of human emotions and relationships.

To call such feelings "cheating" is preposterous--it implicitly contends that any lover who has fantasized about that gorgeous movie star has "cheated." There is a very clear distinction between thought and action; to equate the two strikes me as a bunch of absolutist baloney.

[Ivorytickler]

Originally Posted by Tyler Fitzgerald

Nonsense. I love my wife very much and have done nothing inconsistent with my promise to her. Furthermore, to make no distinction between thoughts and actions is patently absurd. Though I may still have thoughts and feelings for Sarah, I have not acted upon those feelings. I have not tried to rekindle a old romance, nor have I even attempted to contact her. Asserting that having feelings for two different people is somehow "cheating" against one (or both) of them suggests a very stunted view of the complexity of human emotions and relationships.

To call such feelings "cheating" is preposterous--it implicitly contends that any lover who has fantasized about that gorgeous movie star has "cheated." There is a very clear distinction between thought and action; to equate the two strikes me as a bunch of absolutist baloney.

Did you omit the "forsaking all others" part from your wedding vows? You have not forsaken Sarah. You still long for her in your heart. Michelle can never have the space in your heart you have reserved for Sarah. That is, forever, deinied to her. Perhaps if you had not settled for her, she might have found someone willing to give her all of his heart.