Wiping the slate clean with the leftovers of a broken heart (dating, long-term)

[SmerkyGrl]

Recently, I came out of a 5 year relationship with my ex. We were on the verge of marriage but then we moved, he went to school, and I guess our personalities changed and he wanted out. I am just starting to pick up the pieces of my life again, as I really hadn't known any long committed relationship before him. After all, he was my..."first".

So I guess what I'm wondering is how I should approach this new single life. I've already rearranged my apartment. I've gotten new pieces for my wardrobe. I've cut my hair. Slowly and surely, I'm starting to accept that what we had was wonderful but never perfect and probably never meant to last. He was 4 years older than me. He is Hispanic and I am Asian. He was an inside person and I love the outdoors. I love fine wines and he abhors alcohol. I'm a dog person and he was a cat person. The list goes on but it doesn't change the fact that I dedicated 5 years of my life to him and there are still remnants of him left in my every day life.

I've looked at several dating options, been on a date or two, but only end up being disappointed. I guess now that I'm older, wiser (har har I'm 23, but I guess that is better than when I was 17---when I first met him), I have vastly different standards. Now that I have a steady job and no longer want to flirt recklessly for the attention, I'm a little lost as to how to even start. I don't drink, I don't like to go out to clubs---In fact, I'm more of an art museums and bookstores kind of gal rather than the "WOOOOOOO 15 MINUTES TO HAPPY HOUR!!!" kind of gal. And from what I've found out, most of the bookstores around here are hang-out places for little old ladies or married men. Art galleries here in the DC area are full of tourists and families. Neither are really that great of a place to find a prospective mate.

Any thoughts?

[htmlfamily]

Originally Posted by SmerkyGrl

Recently, I came out of a 5 year relationship with my ex. We were on the verge of marriage but then we moved, he went to school, and I guess our personalities changed and he wanted out. I am just starting to pick up the pieces of my life again, as I really hadn't known any long committed relationship before him. After all, he was my..."first".

So I guess what I'm wondering is how I should approach this new single life. I've already rearranged my apartment. I've gotten new pieces for my wardrobe. I've cut my hair. Slowly and surely, I'm starting to accept that what we had was wonderful but never perfect and probably never meant to last. He was 4 years older than me. He is Hispanic and I am Asian. He was an inside person and I love the outdoors. I love fine wines and he abhors alcohol. I'm a dog person and he was a cat person. The list goes on but it doesn't change the fact that I dedicated 5 years of my life to him and there are still remnants of him left in my every day life.

I've looked at several dating options, been on a date or two, but only end up being disappointed. I guess now that I'm older, wiser (har har I'm 23, but I guess that is better than when I was 17---when I first met him), I have vastly different standards. Now that I have a steady job and no longer want to flirt recklessly for the attention, I'm a little lost as to how to even start. I don't drink, I don't like to go out to clubs---In fact, I'm more of an art museums and bookstores kind of gal rather than the "WOOOOOOO 15 MINUTES TO HAPPY HOUR!!!" kind of gal. And from what I've found out, most of the bookstores around here are hang-out places for little old ladies or married men. Art galleries here in the DC area are full of tourists and families. Neither are really that great of a place to find a prospective mate.

Any thoughts?

You sound like the kind of girl I would like, well, good Luck out there...

[pushkinswife]

Just focus on yourself. Do what makes you happy right now. After a break up is the best time to get to know "me, myself, and I." Pick up a new hobby, travel, do what makes you happy. Feel the void with positive things. Avoid unhealthy trists out of desperation to fill that emptiness-it will only cut the wound deeper. Its good that you have rearranged your place. Also get rid of any remnants of your ex....clothes, accessories, etc. Put them in a box and hide it away or even mail it to him. Just let it go. My ex tried to come back after a yr and even though I had not found anyone I said no. People break your heart and have the nerve to try and come back in your life. As far as meeting people, don't try to over do it. Just let it flow. You just might meet someone very interesting when you least expect it. I met my bf of 2 yrs in the mall minding my own business. I almost did not even call him. I was so wrapped up in the new me and enjoying myself that meeting someone was just an afterthought. Good luck to you.

[Ivorytickler]

Originally Posted by SmerkyGrl

Recently, I came out of a 5 year relationship with my ex. We were on the verge of marriage but then we moved, he went to school, and I guess our personalities changed and he wanted out. I am just starting to pick up the pieces of my life again, as I really hadn't known any long committed relationship before him. After all, he was my..."first".

So I guess what I'm wondering is how I should approach this new single life. I've already rearranged my apartment. I've gotten new pieces for my wardrobe. I've cut my hair. Slowly and surely, I'm starting to accept that what we had was wonderful but never perfect and probably never meant to last. He was 4 years older than me. He is Hispanic and I am Asian. He was an inside person and I love the outdoors. I love fine wines and he abhors alcohol. I'm a dog person and he was a cat person. The list goes on but it doesn't change the fact that I dedicated 5 years of my life to him and there are still remnants of him left in my every day life.

I've looked at several dating options, been on a date or two, but only end up being disappointed. I guess now that I'm older, wiser (har har I'm 23, but I guess that is better than when I was 17---when I first met him), I have vastly different standards. Now that I have a steady job and no longer want to flirt recklessly for the attention, I'm a little lost as to how to even start. I don't drink, I don't like to go out to clubs---In fact, I'm more of an art museums and bookstores kind of gal rather than the "WOOOOOOO 15 MINUTES TO HAPPY HOUR!!!" kind of gal. And from what I've found out, most of the bookstores around here are hang-out places for little old ladies or married men. Art galleries here in the DC area are full of tourists and families. Neither are really that great of a place to find a prospective mate.

Any thoughts?

Look into a church singles group that does group activities. Not that you'll find someone there but it will get you out and active and prevent you from feeling you have to have someone now. There's a reason the rebound relationship doesn't work out. We often settle for less than we should.

Instead of trying to date, try to keep busy and active and form new friendships. Dating will come in time.

[andreaspercheron]

You were really young when you entered that long-term relationship. What you need to do now is to take a little time off, and it sounds as though you have already started working in the right direction. "Me time" is the best thing for anyone before entering a relationship or getting into the dating scene.
You seem to have a good head on your shoulders given your young age.
Just enter the dating world with an open mind and keep the following thoughts in mind as well; I was single for a long time by choice, enjoyed dating immensely and really met some nice guys and when I was ready, I met my now fiance and things just worked.
But you will run into issues along the way, men do lie about their age, height and weight online. (I'm being partially funny and totally serious) They will take you on a date and some may never call back - and in some cases, you are glad LOL
You will go on a date and it will be totally and completely wonderful and then you may have a date when you are looking for the closest exit - and in that case, just end the date. Don't torture yourself and don't waste your time. Honesty is the best policy even if it means hurting someones feelings. Don't fall into that super nice girl mode where you just date someone out of pity - just be honest.
You will find times when you feel really down because maybe you are going through a "dry spell " with meeting people. Don't feel bad for yourself, it happens to the best of us.
You will get all sorts of advice from your girl pals, the most important thing you can listen to is your intuition.
You will be fine in all of this because you are young and probably have a fresher perspective than say maybe someone in their 40's just looking after being in a long relationship (divorce, kids, etc). Do what makes you happy, be yourself and if someone doesn't like you then that is their loss and not yours.
You'll be fine though.

[Marylandkitten]

awwww, Smerky. I didn't realize you lived in DC too!

Go to a karaoke bar. anyone who can stand up and make a fool of themselves and still have a good laugh is someone I wanna be around

- I just started a cardio kickboxing class. Lots of guys wandering around there... because it's tied in with a TKD Federation where they have practices all night every night.

It depends on what type of guy you're looking for, for where you want to meet them. But honestly, coming out of a 5 year relationship myself (at least YOU had the decency not to marry him, lol) I completely agree with everyone else. Find YOURSELF! dont go looking for happiness in other people. I love everyday that I have to myself... because I never used to have it, let alone know what to do with it.

[old_cold]

There so much you can do as a single young woman that you can't do as a kid (17) or later, as an older married or parental person.
Enjoy all the opportunity you have now rather than wish for it later.

[jimboburnsy]

Falling hard in your late teens and enduring relationship catastrophe is a completely normal and almost universal ritual of maturation. Everyone has been there and everyone has gotten through it. Unfortunately, its just something you have to endure and figure your own way out of. All of the well intentioned advice and suggestions in the world will not help you solve a problem that is really yours and yours alone to bear. The best advice, as stated above, is to stay positive and focus on yourself and things that you love to do so that you don't think about him so much. That's easier to advise than it is to execute, though. You'll be alright, it just takes time.

[BLAZER PROPHET]

Originally Posted by SmerkyGrl

Recently, I came out of a 5 year relationship with my ex. We were on the verge of marriage but then we moved, he went to school, and I guess our personalities changed and he wanted out. I am just starting to pick up the pieces of my life again, as I really hadn't known any long committed relationship before him. After all, he was my..."first".

So I guess what I'm wondering is how I should approach this new single life. I've already rearranged my apartment. I've gotten new pieces for my wardrobe. I've cut my hair. Slowly and surely, I'm starting to accept that what we had was wonderful but never perfect and probably never meant to last. He was 4 years older than me. He is Hispanic and I am Asian. He was an inside person and I love the outdoors. I love fine wines and he abhors alcohol. I'm a dog person and he was a cat person. The list goes on but it doesn't change the fact that I dedicated 5 years of my life to him and there are still remnants of him left in my every day life.

I've looked at several dating options, been on a date or two, but only end up being disappointed. I guess now that I'm older, wiser (har har I'm 23, but I guess that is better than when I was 17---when I first met him), I have vastly different standards. Now that I have a steady job and no longer want to flirt recklessly for the attention, I'm a little lost as to how to even start. I don't drink, I don't like to go out to clubs---In fact, I'm more of an art museums and bookstores kind of gal rather than the "WOOOOOOO 15 MINUTES TO HAPPY HOUR!!!" kind of gal. And from what I've found out, most of the bookstores around here are hang-out places for little old ladies or married men. Art galleries here in the DC area are full of tourists and families. Neither are really that great of a place to find a prospective mate.

Any thoughts?

Do what you want to do. It's your life.

Want to change the furniture? Do it!

Want to color your hair? Do it!

Want to buy a yappy mutt? Do it!

Want to jump the building managers bones in the hall? Do it!

Live, baby, live.

[rachelteehee]

Originally Posted by BLAZER PROPHET

Do what you want to do. It's your life.

Want to change the furniture? Do it!

Want to color your hair? Do it!

Want to buy a yappy mutt? Do it!

Want to jump the building managers bones in the hall? Do it!

Live, baby, live.

It's seems that, too often, females feel the need to get out there again quickly and meet people. Soak up all the personal time that you can! Love yourself!!

I had to give BP rep points for "Live, baby, live" -- I wish I had someone to tell me that after breaking up with a certain ex.