Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I don't see it as a fight who comes first. There needs to be love and respect for both as well as understanding what decisions are made by adults and what by kids. Otherwise there is no need for marrying again.
If a choice must be made, (I'm baffled why he must choose though), the kids win. Adults do not put themselves first. The kids having their father around is more important than whether the step mom likes him seeing his kids.
If you marry into a ready made family, you accept what comes with that. Dad spending time with his kids is part of that.
The OP never came back to provide clarity on her post but I can say this: The new wife should understand the importance of being a parent and being their for the kids. She should not even ask her husband to choose between her and his kids.
What is not mentioned is how old the kids are. If they are still in school then its a no brainer (bye bye wife) but if the kids are adults (18+) then it is not so simple.
What I don't get is why everybody keeps talking about "choosing"... What's wrong with peaceful coexistence?
That is the ideal but it isn't that simple all the time. We had everything from his kid having a band concert on the same night I needed him to accompany me to a work function to choosing vacation destinations (they wanted theme park and I wanted a cruise) to money issues (just how much of our money should we spend on his kids after child support), so on and so forth. Oh, and neither one of us wanted to drive the Sububan that we had to have to haul all 6 of us around in. LOL
That is the ideal but it isn't that simple all the time. We had everything from his kid having a band concert on the same night I needed him to accompany me to a work function to choosing vacation destinations (they wanted theme park and I wanted a cruise) to money issues (just how much of our money should we spend on his kids after child support), so on and so forth. Oh, and neither one of us wanted to drive the Sububan that we had to have to haul all 6 of us around in. LOL
Oh, I'm not saying it's easy by any means. My hat goes off to those who do it. It better be worth it.
What I don't get is why everybody keeps talking about "choosing"... What's wrong with peaceful coexistence?
I'm not sure. That would be my preference. As I see it, the adults all knew what they were getting into so that's what they should be doing. I'm referring to the handfull of people who have voted that he should not see his kids for his new wife. I'm not sure why that would even be an option on a poll but I didn't make the poll.
That is the ideal but it isn't that simple all the time. We had everything from his kid having a band concert on the same night I needed him to accompany me to a work function to choosing vacation destinations (they wanted theme park and I wanted a cruise) to money issues (just how much of our money should we spend on his kids after child support), so on and so forth. Oh, and neither one of us wanted to drive the Sububan that we had to have to haul all 6 of us around in. LOL
Did you now know the kids came with the territory?
Band concert wins! It's your job not his. Take care of it.
Cruise is fine as long as it's a family one. If you make the kids miserable on vacation, I guarantee, you'll be miserable.
Money's tough. Kids cost more than support payments, that's for sure but that's supposed to be baked into the support. There is an expectation to feed the kids, clothe them and take care of them when you have them plus there are extras not covered by child support. I have one who costs over $5000/year for music lessons/camps. You should discuss money before you get married.
Bottom line is, the kids win. You do what you have to to take care of them and count the days until they turn 18....oh wait...then college tuition starts :eek
Did you now know the kids came with the territory?
Band concert wins! It's your job not his. Take care of it.
Cruise is fine as long as it's a family one. If you make the kids miserable on vacation, I guarantee, you'll be miserable.
Money's tough. Kids cost more than support payments, that's for sure but that's supposed to be baked into the support. There is an expectation to feed the kids, clothe them and take care of them when you have them plus there are extras not covered by child support. I have one who costs over $5000/year for music lessons/camps. You should discuss money before you get married.
Bottom line is, the kids win. You do what you have to to take care of them and count the days until they turn 18....oh wait...then college tuition starts :eek
Whoa there nelly. If you check my previous post you will see that ours are up and grown and we are still married. I was pointing out potential things that could come up or things that came up for us. We worked through our issues quite well. Luckily, with my position our children received/are receiving tuition at 50% off for state universities and also they received/and are receiving numerous scholarships that exceed tuition and books. And as for expenses, it wasn't just me that was concerned about the money for my stepchildren; my husband was less than thrilled that the children really received no support from their mother and we truly had to buy everything; and I mean everything. None of our children went without; that I can assure you.
I don't need to be attacked. After an abusive first marriage (when the kids started getting it like I did I left taking them with me which was ok since he repeatedly told the kids that he hadn't wanted them anyway), I was divorced a while before jumping into anything. When I did remarry it was with a lot of thought and communication. As I stated in my previous post we approached it like this: God first, children next, new spouse after that. We made it work and we have happy, healthy, well adjusted kids and we are quite happy that we now have the house mostly to ourselves and we are living a remarriage dream.
OK, why does he have to choose between the two? Why can't the guy grow a nut and lay down the law with his ex-wife, his kids and his new wife? There can be a happy median here. Sounds like this guy is just a limp-wrist who doesn't want to make waves.
I don't see where COMMUNICATION can't be used between the husband and the new wife, the husband and the ex-wife and the husband and the kids. No one will get everything they want. Sounds like the ex is a cold-hearted shrew; there are ways to ameliorate that. The new wife deserves to be treated like a wife and the kids still need their dad. Why does there have to be a CHOICE? And if there has to be one, why can't that choice be working together?? I don't understand.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I was pointing out potential things that could come up or things that came up for us. We worked through our issues quite well. Luckily, with my position our children received/are receiving tuition at 50% off for state universities and also they received/and are receiving numerous scholarships that exceed tuition and books. And as for expenses, it wasn't just me that was concerned about the money for my stepchildren; my husband was less than thrilled that the children really received no support from their mother and we truly had to buy everything; and I mean everything. None of our children went without; that I can assure you. 
