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Is it possible for your husband to be the one to handle this? He's a blood relative and will certainly be allowed to see his father no matter what the wife says (provided the father wants to see him). It may be harder for you to accomplish since you're an in-law.
Just being practical here.
I too think that the fiance should handle this.
However, not only because it's practical but because you sound like what you're accusing the stepmom of being - a control freak. I'm not declaring she isn't but it's your fiance's relationship, his father for crying out loud. I'm also not accusing you of having ill intentions but rather, I think it's more natural. Opposites attract... and it sounds like he's the kind of guy that gets easily discouraged and gives up (otherwise you wouldn't have to work as hard as you are).
If he gets pushed away by the new stepmom then he needs some lessons in growing a backbone. He doesn't need his fiance taking care of all his problems. Call it growing pains.
I am SO sorry this is happening to your fiance'. I do hope that he gets a chance to mend things with his Father but honestly it does sound like the Father has ALLOWED this woman to come between him and his children. You can't put all the blame on her.
No human being or beast could come between me and my kid. I wouldn't even consider dating someone who tried it nevermind marrying someone.
I hope there is a will set up because she sounds like the kind of person who will take everything he has and leave the sons out.
Since time is running out, I do think he should try to see his father- and do so without feeding this bee-otch's obvious need for conflict and control. Take the high road, and treat the wife cordially- and don't take the bait she will probably toss out to justify her desire to isolate her husband.
So, what exactly is you plan on running the interference? I would try to get her when she is not at the hospital at all. Use cell phones to contact with the Fiancee to let him know when you have her delayed and when she is on her way to the hospital. Hey, this way, if the Father agrees, she doesn't even have to know the Fiancee was there at all.
Since she doesn't know what you look like. Try faking a heart attach in her driveway right be for she gets in her car. HaHa
Update... for those interested.
We drove all the way to NC from PA (long drive) the motel was outsanding! (NOT!), I think that the area of Durham we were in must be cracktown, USA and that the motel we found, albeit cheap was just used as the scene of many crimes. Talk about filthy, disgusting, gross you name it but hey, when you are tired and trying to save money - you do what you need to do.
That said, we decided to go same day to the hospital (duke univ), since she didn't know me, I walked up first to "scout it out" and didn't see her, didn't go to the room but instead talked to the nurses, gave a very little background and asked for their suggestions on how to handle him seeing his father.
I then called my fiance because the nurses were like "she never leaves" - oh geez, so I call and tell him to come up, we're doing it now.
He comes up, as we are standing at the nurses station trying to figure out how to handle, these two come walking down the hall IV in hand.
If looks could kill, he, I and all the nurses would have been dead from her scorching look. Then the Dad says "what are you doing here" - (me thinking, oh gee I dont know you are dying, haven't seen your son in two years because you are working on your relationship wth your wife even though you have been married for over five years comes to mind) Hello? WTF?
So, I very politely extended my hand and introduced myself, she hesitantly shook it, didn't look at me or my fiance at all, kept her sourpuss face on and kept it low and never looked up.
The father suggests we go to the visiting room area, we do that and small talk ensues, meanwhile she still is no part of it, rarely looks at us and when she does she is glaring and looking like she is about to have a meltdown.
Then the Dad is wanting to walk around, he's uncomfortable, so we go downstairs and to an outside courtyard.
Now the already small talk has gone from small to none and everyone is just sitting, so I take the opportune time to say and I didn't say it sarcastically and I kept it low and nice the entire time, you know like an ADULT should. I say this, "I think while we are all here we should come to some sort of agreement and have more open communication, you were here a week before we even knew it", (I'm not kidding when I tell you this happened next", she looks right at me and FREAKS out, goes into total meltdown mode and says, "why are you looking at ME!" the phone calls go both ways and who are you anyway, you arent family you should mind your own business", etc etc.. total freaking out meltdown - NO lie.
I say to her "I wasnt talking directly and only to you, I was making a general statement, I'm engaged and AM part of the family and why are you freaking out?" then she stands up (and I'm thinking, the Dad is better than we thought, my faince is totally flustered and I'm not about to have this woman who I dont know berade me in front of everyone so ITS ON)
I go on to tell her that I'm definitely part of the family and the ring on my finger says so, ( and at this point my fiance is all over it with me) Anyway - lots was said and I kept my cool the entire time while she was having a meltdown, then the father is like "do you know why I divorced your Mom, cause she took me to the cleaners, etc etc.. then he's like and SIX years ago, you came over (my fiance did) and mentioned something about your Mom and the new wife (nameless) didn't like it.
That's when my cool turned to hot. I and my fiance are like WHAT??!! So, from six years ago, because your wife has severe insecurities and can't handle knowing that you were married to his Mom for 30 years, she is having her meltdown and this is why you can't have a relationship with your son??? WTF??!!
Anyway, the whole thing was not pleasant, at the end of it, his Dad was like well she is my number one priority, we have abandoned our families to work on our relationshiip etc etc.. so basically like FU my son, I'm done and gee thanks for nothing LOL
Well, then the next morning we are trying to leave. My fiance goes up by himself to say goodbye. He goes to the room, knocks, she answers basically says the dad is not available, having tests doesnt know when to expect him back and slams the door in his face.
My fiance leaves and then goes back - knocks again, she doenst answer but he can see her in the room, she finally answers barely opens the door, he tells her he doesnt know why things have to be this way, whatever was offending her happened eons ago and she does it again, has a meltdown, he's like can we please get past this, this may be the last time I see him and she says (no lie) well I guess it will be then and slams the door in his face.
Needless to say we left and came back home and are done trying.
The father cut off relations not only with his son but the rest of his family when he met her. It's always been "i just need to work on our relationship first and then I can be a Dad" OHHH whatever. She has him so brainwashed it's pathetic. they are both nuts, She acted like a child having a tantrum, she is not capable of having a very civil and simple conversation and is completely selfabsorbed and has really really low self esteem - she is so worried that someone is going to steal her husband that his own kids can't even see him.
It's really pathetic and my fiance go to say what he wanted to say, wishes things could be different but she is just impossible and there is no need to try any further.
He is going to handwrite a letter to his Dad and having it hand delivered to him by another family member.
A very stressful and disappointing trip indeed but he's glad it's over. Just thought I would share the experience.
Last edited by andreaspercheron; 06-19-2008 at 01:00 PM..
Reason: need to finish
so what did you say after all? the suspense is killing me.........
I told them both they need to grow up, put the past where it belongs, in the past and that they need to let go of these ridiculous hang-ups that they have. I told them that I thought they were both being childish and that this has gone on long enough, etc etc... it was good and I said what i wanted to say, still didnt raise my voice but they knew I wasn't fooling around. My fiance said wshat he wanted to say and that's that.
I'm glad you tried. This should put to rest any regrets your fiance may feel later. I'm sorry it didn't turn out better.
Thanks, well before we left to go down and based on his fathers prior behavior, he had already said he was dead to him, he was just doing his obligation in seeing him before he dies. That "dead to him" feeling didnt change but yes, it did confirm what he already felt.
Update... for those interested.
We drove all the way to NC from PA (long drive) the motel was outsanding! (NOT!), I think that the area of Durham we were in must be cracktown, USA and that the motel we found, albeit cheap was just used as the scene of many crimes. Talk about filthy, disgusting, gross you name it but hey, when you are tired and trying to save money - you do what you need to do.
That said, we decided to go same day to the hospital (duke univ), since she didn't know me, I walked up first to "scout it out" and didn't see her, didn't go to the room but instead talked to the nurses, gave a very little background and asked for their suggestions on how to handle him seeing his father.
I then called my fiance because the nurses were like "she never leaves" - oh geez, so I call and tell him to come up, we're doing it now.
He comes up, as we are standing at the nurses station trying to figure out how to handle, these two come walking down the hall IV in hand.
If looks could kill, he, I and all the nurses would have been dead from her scorching look. Then the Dad says "what are you doing here" - (me thinking, oh gee I dont know you are dying, haven't seen your son in two years because you are working on your relationship wth your wife even though you have been married for over five years comes to mind) Hello? WTF?
So, I very politely extended my hand and introduced myself, she hesitantly shook it, didn't look at me or my fiance at all, kept her sourpuss face on and kept it low and never looked up.
The father suggests we go to the visiting room area, we do that and small talk ensues, meanwhile she still is no part of it, rarely looks at us and when she does she is glaring and looking like she is about to have a meltdown.
Then the Dad is wanting to walk around, he's uncomfortable, so we go downstairs and to an outside courtyard.
Now the already small talk has gone from small to none and everyone is just sitting, so I take the opportune time to say and I didn't say it sarcastically and I kept it low and nice the entire time, you know like an ADULT should. I say this, "I think while we are all here we should come to some sort of agreement and have more open communication, you were here a week before we even knew it", (I'm not kidding when I tell you this happened next", she looks right at me and FREAKS out, goes into total meltdown mode and says, "why are you looking at ME!" the phone calls go both ways and who are you anyway, you arent family you should mind your own business", etc etc.. total freaking out meltdown - NO lie.
I say to her "I wasnt talking directly and only to you, I was making a general statement, I'm engaged and AM part of the family and why are you freaking out?" then she stands up (and I'm thinking, the Dad is better than we thought, my faince is totally flustered and I'm not about to have this woman who I dont know berade me in front of everyone so ITS ON)
I go on to tell her that I'm definitely part of the family and the ring on my finger says so, ( and at this point my fiance is all over it with me) Anyway - lots was said and I kept my cool the entire time while she was having a meltdown, then the father is like "do you know why I divorced your Mom, cause she took me to the cleaners, etc etc.. then he's like and SIX years ago, you came over (my fiance did) and mentioned something about your Mom and the new wife (nameless) didn't like it.
That's when my cool turned to hot. I and my fiance are like WHAT??!! So, from six years ago, because your wife has severe insecurities and can't handle knowing that you were married to his Mom for 30 years, she is having her meltdown and this is why you can't have a relationship with your son??? WTF??!!
Anyway, the whole thing was not pleasant, at the end of it, his Dad was like well she is my number one priority, we have abandoned our families to work on our relationshiip etc etc.. so basically like FU my son, I'm done and gee thanks for nothing LOL
Well, then the next morning we are trying to leave. My fiance goes up by himself to say goodbye. He goes to the room, knocks, she answers basically says the dad is not available, having tests doesnt know when to expect him back and slams the door in his face.
My fiance leaves and then goes back - knocks again, she doenst answer but he can see her in the room, she finally answers barely opens the door, he tells her he doesnt know why things have to be this way, whatever was offending her happened eons ago and she does it again, has a meltdown, he's like can we please get past this, this may be the last time I see him and she says (no lie) well I guess it will be then and slams the door in his face.
Needless to say we left and came back home and are done trying.
The father cut off relations not only with his son but the rest of his family when he met her. It's always been "i just need to work on our relationship first and then I can be a Dad" OHHH whatever. She has him so brainwashed it's pathetic. they are both nuts, She acted like a child having a tantrum, she is not capable of having a very civil and simple conversation and is completely selfabsorbed and has really really low self esteem - she is so worried that someone is going to steal her husband that his own kids can't even see him.
It's really pathetic and my fiance go to say what he wanted to say, wishes things could be different but she is just impossible and there is no need to try any further.
He is going to handwrite a letter to his Dad and having it hand delivered to him by another family member.
A very stressful and disappointing trip indeed but he's glad it's over. Just thought I would share the experience.
I am so sorry to hear that it turned out that way. But I think you should cut them some slack. Having meltdowns is understandable if your spouse is dying. I always try not to judge people at times of distress. I think you should try to act more like a peace keeper rather than add fuel to fire. I have no doubt you meant well, but for the sake of your fiance it might be better to down play it. If these are his father's last days, the last thing you want to see your future husband deal with is compliacted grief.
Please forgive me if I upset you. I didn't meant to. Just a word of advice from a person who experienced a lot of loss and grief.
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