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My parents divorced when I was 18 - wish they had done it sooner. My opinion is that a child is better off with one happy parent even if they don't have two pennies to rub together than two miserable argueing parents and everything they want. Yes I have been in both situations.
I'm surprised. Having lived in poverty with a single parent myself, it's a fate I would wish on no child.
However, I'm still puzzled by why people assume the parents are miserable if they stay toether for the kids. Why can't parents choose to get along for the kid's sake?
Side question, why is staying together for the kids associated with fighting? You don't have to fight or be miserable. Those are choices. You can choose to peacefully coexist for the sake of the kids.
i can only speak for myself and my own experience.
as an adult in making ANY decision i look at what my actions are based on, what my beliefs are, am I acting in accordance with my beliefs (in other words, do my actions match my beliefs), and what message am I sending by choosing whatever it is I am choosing (to my self, to my kids).
so in agonizing over whether to stay in my marriage (the single hardest decision i have EVER faced my entire life, both then at age 33, and now at age 49) it challenged me to look at just about every belief i had: about myself, about marriage, about family, about my children's well-being, about love, about happiness, about health, all of it
for me it was a process of why exploring why am i doing what I am doing? where is it fear? where is it love? where is it martyrdom? where is it trying to please others and ignoring my own self-respect and well-being? where do i give up on myself? where do i act in my own best interests
and bottom line....when in your heart and in the deepest well of your inner being you know what is true and right and good for you....then that is AUTOMATICALLY in the best interests of everyone else involved, including your children. When I reached the point i knew for me it was best to leave my marriage, no matter what problems the divorce created, no, it is not easy or fun, i knew in my heart that it was best for my children in the long run also, and in the big picture. I was right.
best wishes to you. you will find your path and your answers by exploring your reasons and beliefs for doing what you are doing, whatever that ends up being for you, and wherever your path takes you.
I'm surprised. Having lived in poverty with a single parent myself, it's a fate I would wish on no child.
However, I'm still puzzled by why people assume the parents are miserable if they stay toether for the kids. Why can't parents choose to get along for the kid's sake?
If you can get along for the kids sake...why is there even the question of whether to stay together or get divorced?
I say this all the time. Kids are not dumb and they do know when things aren't going well for Mom and Dad. They see and hear everything and understand a lot more than parents give them credit for. In my honest opinion, it is better to have two happy homes than one sad one.
I do not agree that people should stay together for the sake of the kids.
In my honest opinion, it is better to have two happy homes than one sad one.
I do not agree that people should stay together for the sake of the kids.
nicely said andreas i totally agree with the above
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ivorytickler
However, I'm still puzzled by why people assume the parents are miserable if they stay toether for the kids. Why can't parents choose to get along for the kid's sake? Why is staying together for the kids associated with fighting? You don't have to fight or be miserable. You can choose to peacefully coexist for the sake of the kids.
reminds me of a quote I love
"The absence of abuse is not the same thing as having happiness and joy."
Last edited by Tzaphkiel; 08-05-2008 at 03:16 PM..
If you can get along for the kids sake...why is there even the question of whether to stay together or get divorced?
There's no IF to it. Adults can choose to get along for the kids sake. I'm asking why people are assuming staying together for the kids sake means someone is miserable.
I'd say we're there right now. Lord knows I wouldn't have taken him back if we didn't have kids and I've struggled with the fact he was seeing someone else during our separation but it's best for my kids to keep their home together if possible.
For me, having done a brief stint of joint custody, I have strong motivation. Not having my kids every other weekend and two evenings a week made me way more miserable than staying married to my husband ever could.
I say this all the time. Kids are not dumb and they do know when things aren't going well for Mom and Dad. They see and hear everything and understand a lot more than parents give them credit for. In my honest opinion, it is better to have two happy homes than one sad one.
I do not agree that people should stay together for the sake of the kids.
Yes they do and they know if mom and dad love them enough to work at keeping it together.
I don't think people with kids should divorce unless there's no other option. Like in abuse cases. There is nothing out there that is worth destroying my childrens home for.
I found out last year that life is way more dysfunctional having to share custody of my kids and that divorce doesn't make anyone happy. Dating and remarriage are out of the question for me. IMO, the only thing worse than your parents divorcing is your parents finding someone else.
Honestly, when my parents were just divorced, I still had both parents only not at the same time. Once they entered into new marriages, I had to share the time I had with them with their new spouses and their children. I'm sure I lost more in their remarriages than I did in the divorce so I'd never go there with my kids. My love life isn't that important to me that I'd screw with their lives. It could wait until they go off to college.
I'm surprised. Having lived in poverty with a single parent myself, it's a fate I would wish on no child.
However, I'm still puzzled by why people assume the parents are miserable if they stay toether for the kids. Why can't parents choose to get along for the kid's sake?
In a perfect world maybe - but if two people are not happy together getting along just for the kids is not an easy thing to do.
For me, having done a brief stint of joint custody, I have strong motivation. Not having my kids every other weekend and two evenings a week made me way more miserable than staying married to my husband ever could.
In a gentle way i would invite you to explore that further, what is hard about the kids being with him and not with you? Trust that they will not be OK with him? Jealousy he has time with them alone? Sadness and loneliness for you without them? Not wanting him to have a relationship with them? Again, regardless of what you find at the other end of those questions, they are really important for you to delve into in terms of clarity.
I found another unexpected "up side" to separate households, and that is by spending time with the children individually, both their dad and i developed stronger relationships with each of the children. I have seen that grow through the years. They do different things at dad's house and they were able to talk and grow a relationship with him they could not do in a shared household. Same for me, i was able to grow much closer with them individually and have a stsronger more nourishing relationship with my kids that would not have flourished in the pervasive gloom and weight of a non-working marriage.
Again, that is only my own experience. Best wishes for you.
Bottom line is, you as a person deserve happiness. Dad as a person deserves happiness. And your kids deserve happiness. Putting the burden of an adult's happiness on the kids shoulders is a mighty heavy weight, and not one for them to shore up; happiness for every adult is an inside job, not for our kids to make us happy.
I found another unexpected "up side" to separate households, and that is by spending time with the children individually, both their dad and i developed stronger relationships with each of the children. I have seen that grow through the years. They do different things at dad's house and they were able to talk and grow a relationship with him they could not do in a shared household. Same for me, i was able to grow much closer with them individually and have a stsronger more nourishing relationship with my kids that would not have flourished in the pervasive gloom and weight of a non-working marriage.
Same here. I don't see any harm in the kids doing "Dad things" and "Mom things" separately. Far better than doing "Family things" when much of that time is spent either arguing or in silence.
When my guys are with me, we're our own family.
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