She just won't do it, can I cheat? (husbands, young, problems)

[Ivorytickler]

Originally Posted by The Man in SATX

That is also part of my problem.. apparantly he has tried to do something about it and failed.. maybe he thought he could change her mind process and is obviously frustrated with it not changing.. I cant say I have to blame him.. from the sounds of it he has given an honest try... it is decision time now.. it appears that the frustration is overwhelming at this point.. it is either number 1 or number 2... if he stays with her.. he obviously has to say she needs some counciling along with the choice to stay with her or he proceeds on to #2... but.. from what I read.. she has already told him.. "hey you married me and knew the way I was.. *********.. deal with it.. you have a choice.. stay with me or divorce me" .. with that attitude.. I would show her the door with my 10 and a half... pretty simply put... yeah it has been 23 years.. but what does that matter?

If he's accepted it for 23 years, he's kind of set precident. If it was that much of an issue, why did it take 23 years to become THE PROBLEM to beat all problems? My guess is the rest of the marriage aint what it used to be and this is just the excuse. It would have been a good one if he'd decided in a timely manner to move on. Honestly, shouldn't it have become apparent many years ago that this is the way things were going to be and that's it?

[kshe95girl]

Originally Posted by Ivorytickler

If he's accepted it for 23 years, he's kind of set precident. If it was that much of an issue, why did it take 23 years to become THE PROBLEM to beat all problems? My guess is the rest of the marriage aint what it used to be and this is just the excuse. It would have been a good one if he'd decided in a timely manner to move on. Honestly, shouldn't it have become apparent many years ago that this is the way things were going to be and that's it?

you just hit the nail on the head! Has anyone else noticed that the OP has failed to surface again?

[Ivorytickler]

Originally Posted by kshe95girl

you just hit the nail on the head! Has anyone else noticed that the OP has failed to surface again?

Maybe tonight is that 3 month mark and he's busy

[The Man in SATX]

Originally Posted by Ivorytickler

If he's accepted it for 23 years, he's kind of set precident. If it was that much of an issue, why did it take 23 years to become THE PROBLEM to beat all problems? My guess is the rest of the marriage aint what it used to be and this is just the excuse. It would have been a good one if he'd decided in a timely manner to move on. Honestly, shouldn't it have become apparent many years ago that this is the way things were going to be and that's it?

Complacent... how many people have stayed with someone even though they needed to move along? You get used to what you have and deal with it.. apparantly he no longer wants to deal with it... It appears it was apparant a few years back.. but he was busy trying to persuade her to change? I agree .. he shoulda gave her the boot a few years back.. but by gones are by gones.. cant deal on that.. deal with today's issue.. not yesterdays..

[lovesMountains]

Originally Posted by The Man in SATX

That is also part of my problem.. apparantly he has tried to do something about it and failed.. maybe he thought he could change her mind process and is obviously frustrated with it not changing.. I cant say I have to blame him.. from the sounds of it he has given an honest try... it is decision time now.. it appears that the frustration is overwhelming at this point.. it is either number 1 or number 2... if he stays with her.. he obviously has to say she needs some counciling along with the choice to stay with her or he proceeds on to #2... but.. from what I read.. she has already told him.. "hey you married me and knew the way I was.. *********.. deal with it.. you have a choice.. stay with me or divorce me" .. with that attitude.. I would show her the door with my 10 and a half... pretty simply put... yeah it has been 23 years.. but what does that matter?

If they haven't tried therapy, especially with a therapist who specializes in sexual abuse cases, they haven't tried everything. And until you've tried every reasonable avenue to solve your marital problems you have no excuse to give up. ESPECIALLY when you've got this many years invested in a relationship with someone you claim to love!

[kshe95girl]

Originally Posted by Ivorytickler

Maybe tonight is that 3 month mark and he's busy

If thats the case, I am sure he wont be busy for long! Must have been a troll.......

[nikdeji]

Originally Posted by lovesMountains

She needs some intensive therapy, and your total support while she gets it. Which means she has to be very secure in the fact that you love her enough to never go outside your marriage - believe me, she is already afraid you will. Before you do something as drastic and damaging as that, get her a therapist who specializes in sexual abuse, particularly one with EMDR training for post traumatic stress. This kind of therapy could make a world of difference and give you the kind of life together you'd both love to have.

With this many years of marriage involved and the fact that you "love her dearly", do this FIRST. Cheating is so much easier, but why throw all your integrity to the wind when there could be help available?

I agree. I am surprised however, this wasn't an option for you long ago?

[Ann Alison]

BTW, she's faking it.

[jillz]

Originally Posted by pushkinswife

Let me help you: She is NOT have o's. She is faking it most likely so you can hurry up and finish.

This is EXACTLY what I thought. As much as it stinks to hear, she thinks that acting like SHE is going in for the big finish will mean you will be able to finish quickly.

I really think that if she is not willing to work on the relationship and her issues (meaning counseling and DEALING with the abuse) it is time to move on. It isn't fun or much of a marriage being the only person working on making a relationship better and it *sounds* like she isn't willing to work on it. It doesn't sound like she gives your marital problems (lack of sex that you have mentioned is a problem) the same weight as she gives hers (abused past).

I wouldn't cheat but I would be very forthright that it just isn't working anymore and while you have sympathy for her past, it is creating lasting damage to your marriage that may not be overcome. Your needs are just as important as her needs. The last thing you want to do is cheat and add to her sad past with men and just be the unsympathetic b**tard that cheated.

[sirron]

[quote=jillz;4174049]
I really think that if she is not willing to work on the relationship and her issues (meaning counseling and DEALING with the abuse) it is time to move on. It isn't fun or much of a marriage being the only person working on making a relationship better and it *sounds* like she isn't willing to work on it. It doesn't sound like she gives your marital problems (lack of sex that you have mentioned is a problem) the same weight as she gives hers (abused past).

I wouldn't cheat but I would be very forthright that it just isn't working anymore and while you have sympathy for her past, it is creating lasting damage to your marriage that may not be overcome. Your needs are just as important as her needs. The last thing you want to do is cheat and add to her sad past with men and just be the unsympathetic b**tard that cheated.[/quote]

Bravo! I was thinking the same thing. She is going to relish blaming him for leaving to get a sexual relationship. Then she can continue to play victim for the rest of her life. If she can't find it within herself to get some help after two decades, chances are she is liking this control she keeps over him. For some, there needs to be a bad guy doing them wrong, always.
Some have asked, does she know the effect it has on him? Are you serious?
I am female. I was also abused as a child, by a relative. I never once blamed it on my husband, or used it as some sort of perpetual weapon to remain a victim. Even if the OP is a fake, you can bet situations like this go on all the time. He states that he has been willing to help her for over twenty years. Bail buddy, and bail fast.