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I guess my typical approach is that if somebody likes me I like them back... how "high school" of me, huh? I'm decades beyond high school and I love being on my own or with friends, but part of me likes the idea of being in a traditional relationship, and I'm with this needy guy who seems like such a sad sack when I'm not available on the same routine every day. It shouldn't be hard for somebody at my age or in the kind of career I'm in to figure out how to balance a relationship with everything else, but something about this widower thing is stifling me, so thanks again for your support! I never heard of this site until tonight, just stumbled upon it, so I guess I'll look into it more after this!
I appreciate how you feel about dating this man who is, to you, boring. If he is boring now, he's not likely to become interesting any time soon. At present he's boring, soon he will start to grate on your nerves and drive you crazy. That's not what either of you wants. It's not fair to you nor is it fair to him. It is my experience that widowers will cling to the closest woman they can find irrespective of who that woman is or whether they get along. It's just convenient for the man who is probably still suffering the loss of his wife. As my dear Mother would say, "you're flogging a dead horse". Sometimes it's best to acknowledge this is not working for you. I can't agree with the counsellor's view that you should keep trying with this man. Either you feel the "click" that we feel [call it attraction] or you don't.
I wouldn't sit around and wait for someone to come around. Meanwahile, continue doing what you want. Maybe you'll meet someone that doesn't bore you. Chances are if he is now he will always be.....you shouldn't be the one to put forth the relationship because a relationship=2 not 1.
I am seeing a counselor but she seems to be suggesting that I try to find something wtih him even though I'm so bored with the routine of it all.
First of all, the fact that you said you don't mind being alone is a HUGE thing, to me. One of the biggest pieces of advice I have to offer a person are to get to know and like yourself before you find someone else. The fact that you don't mind being alone means you are comfortable with who you are, and don't understimate that at all. To me, that implies that you are ready for a relationship.
With that segue, I think the next thing to address is your feelings for this guy. Because you are comfortable within yourself, I think you can take a more level-headed approach to who you are looking at having an emotional or intimate relationship with. Just because he is a nice guy doesn't necessarily mean you are compatible.
I am concerned as to why your counselor is trying to make you "find" something with someone at all. It seems obvious to me that you shouldn't have to find anything at all with someone you want to have a long term relationship with... especially in the beginning. It's either there or not. Later in a relationship, evaluating why you should stay with someone may come into play, but this doesn't seem to be the case here.
My advice... you seem a level-headed person, ready for a relationship. So, go find one that YOU want. Keep him as a friend if you choose, but how much time will you spend trying to "find" something with him, when you could just "see" it with the next?
The fact that you don't mind being alone means you are comfortable with who you are, and don't understimate that at all. To me, that implies that you are ready for a relationship.
He-he, I don't know about that... Having grown up as an only child, I've been comfortable alone all my life. Perhaps it just means I'm not the best relationship material...
He-he, I don't know about that... Having grown up as an only child, I've been comfortable alone all my life. Perhaps it just means I'm not the best relationship material...
Having grown up as a only child as well, I don't really care to be alone. It's not that I can't it just feels better being in a relationship.
Having grown up as a only child as well, I don't really care to be alone. It's not that I can't it just feels better being in a relationship.
Well, I'm not gonna deny it is better to be in a GOOD relationship, but those are few and far between... I tend to prefer my own company to unsatisfying company, even if it’s good “enough.”
So how do I avoid hurting this guy's feelings if he is still in the grieving mode (btw we have actually been seeing each other for a few years now, but with really no "progress", just routine, which is probably related to the widowhood in some ways)? I can't just tell him I'm bored.... can I? Any little "scripts" I could try, anybody?
So how do I avoid hurting this guy's feelings if he is still in the grieving mode (btw we have actually been seeing each other for a few years now, but with really no "progress", just routine, which is probably related to the widowhood in some ways)? I can't just tell him I'm bored.... can I? Any little "scripts" I could try, anybody?
That is irrelevant. What about your feelings? This is about you and what you want. You're obviously not happy. Do not wait for him to come around when he's ready because in the meantime you're wasting time waiting. You could be out and about exploring other options.
Look at it this way - you're the rebound girl. Don't be the rebound girl. What if, when he is ready, it turns out he doesn't want you? He could be using you, subconsciously, like a crutch right now.
I've had women do this to me and I swear, I SWEAR, I will not let it happen again!! I refuse to wait while she pulls all the pieces of her broken life back together like humpty dumpty. As soon as I realized this, my life became so much easier.
MOVE ON.
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