U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Relationships
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 1.5 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Jump to a detailed profile or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Business Search - 14 Million verified businesses
Search for:  near: 
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old 06-21-2008, 01:59 AM
 
Location: Naptowne, Alaska
14,843 posts, read 24,572,184 times
Reputation: 12942
Don't waste your time or money on counceling. Get you some of those hefty trash bags. They hold together real well when you toss them off the front porch.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 06-21-2008, 08:39 AM
 
Location: San Diego North County
4,805 posts, read 5,301,998 times
Reputation: 2961
Normally I would advocate kicking a cheater to the curb. However, when you have children together, you owe it to them to make an attempt to salvage the marriage. My parents went through the same sort of situation. After some time apart, they went through counseling, worked out the problems in their relationship--although my mother was the one who strayed, my father was not innocent in the breakdown of the relationship which led to my mother's infidelity.

My parents went on to spend the next thirty years together...happily. When my father died in January 2005, my 62 year-old mother grieved herself to death four months later. They always felt that they were soulmates. They lost sight of that for a period of time but my father loved my mother enough to forgive and truly forget. They had seven children to worry about--and while they were initially focused on working things out for us--they found each other again in the process.

Counseling is imperative. You both must go and you must find a counselor who will force your wife to be accountable for her actions. At that point, he or she will be able to determine whether or not your wife is truly committed to saving your relationship. You owe it to your children to try.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 06-21-2008, 08:49 AM
 
Location: syracuse ny
2,412 posts, read 2,966,921 times
Reputation: 1959
Quote:
Originally Posted by theroadlesstravelled View Post
First some background: a few weeks ago I found some incriminating evidence that lead me to believe my wife was having an affair (there had been many clues for months as it was). I brought it to her attention, and after several difficult days she convinced me that I was wrong, that she wanted things to work out, as I did, and the past two weeks were really great and showed promise...until I found out tonight that while I had implicated the wrong guy, she has in fact been having an affair for at least the past 5 months. She says it's not an affair, but that it was something casual...but when she invited him to our house for a weekend when I took the kids on a trip by myself (know I know why she didn't want to come along), when they've had numerous conversations about themselves, a possible future together, when she was getting upset when he didn't call when he said he would, that everything felt so right between them, I think it seems more than just something casual (what the hell does that even mean anyway?)
She told me that it's over between them, that she loves me and that the past two weeks isn't a mirage. Only three weeks ago she was writing her best friend that she is so hung up on this guy; can she possibly be over him that soon and have feelings for me again that quickly?
I still love my wife, and I can forgive her. Our marriage has had its ups and downs over the yrs and has been rocky lately. Of course if she's not happy with our marriage she's going to enjoy the attention of a younger man who expresses his interest in her. Forgiving her is one thing, but I don't know if I'm man enough to deal with it. How do you know that even if we stay together, for the kids sake if nothing else, that she's not regretting being with me instead of him? How do you deal with the doubts that when she's kissing or embracing you it's not him that she's thinking about? How do you cope with the jealousy, wondering that when you're away camping with the kids (she rarely comes along) that she's not visiting him? I'd also worry about her calling him whenever we have a disagreement or if things aren't smooth between us at some point. I wish, for her sake and mine, that I could just forget and not worry about these things, but I don't think I'm strong enough.
I still love her, and I don't want to hurt our kids, but I don't know if staying together will be healthy. And I also wonder if she's not just confused now or feeling bad since the last two weeks have been like old times, but deep down she still would rather be with him.
First some background: a few weeks ago I found some incriminating evidence that lead me to believe my wife was having an affair (there had been many clues for months as it was). I brought it to her attention, and after several difficult days she convinced me that I was wrong, that she wanted things to work out, as I did, and the past two weeks were really great and showed promise...until I found out tonight that while I had implicated the wrong guy, she has in fact been having an affair for at least the past 5 months. She says it's not an affair, but that it was something casual...but when she invited him to our house for a weekend when I took the kids on a trip by myself (know I know why she didn't want to come along), when they've had numerous conversations about themselves, a possible future together, when she was getting upset when he didn't call when he said he would, that everything felt so right between them, I think it seems more than just something casual (what the hell does that even mean anyway?)

Do you realize you were the consolation prize? While you were being "dad" she was out with him.

She told me that it's over between them, that she loves me and that the past two weeks isn't a mirage. Only three weeks ago she was writing her best friend that she is so hung up on this guy; can she possibly be over him that soon and have feelings for me again that quickly?
I still love my wife, and I can forgive her. Our marriage has had its ups and downs over the yrs and has been rocky lately. Of course if she's not happy with our marriage she's going to enjoy the attention of a younger man who expresses his interest in her. Forgiving her is one thing, but I don't know if I'm man enough to deal with it. How do you know that even if we stay together, for the kids sake if nothing else, that she's not regretting being with me instead of him?

She is regretting being with you! How did you find out about the writings? I'm guessing from checking emails, not a revelation from her?

How do you deal with the doubts that when she's kissing or embracing you it's not him that she's thinking about? How do you cope with the jealousy, wondering that when you're away camping with the kids (she rarely comes along) that she's not visiting him? I'd also worry about her calling him whenever we have a disagreement or if things aren't smooth between us at some point. I wish, for her sake and mine, that I could just forget and not worry about these things, but I don't think I'm strong enough.
I still love her, and I don't want to hurt our kids, but I don't know if staying together will be healthy. And I also wonder if she's not just confused now or feeling bad since the last two weeks have been like old times, but deep down she still would rather be with him

The thing that she doesn't even want to spend time with w the kids, let alone you should be SCREAMING at you! You're literally her babysitter for dates! You have married a self centered woman who only cares about herself, and is "shopping" for your replacement. She got caught, her new "purchase" failed, so right now she's "stuck w you" and passifying you REMEMBER SHE DIDN'T REVEAL ANY OF THIS, YOU FOUND OUT!...Me? I'd go talk to the best friend. If she'll talk to you, She'll tell you how horrible you are, how mean, controlling, and all the other stuff she's been telling her.

Finally..what makes you think he's the first one?
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 06-21-2008, 08:51 AM
 
1,233 posts, read 2,013,378 times
Reputation: 898
How would I get over a spouse's fling?

D-I-V-O-R-C-E

Period. End of story.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 06-21-2008, 08:56 AM
 
Location: syracuse ny
2,412 posts, read 2,966,921 times
Reputation: 1959
Forgot one thing...YOU LOVE HER, OR AT LEAST LOVE WHAT YOU THINK IS HER. So you're willing to try and ignore alot. How is she towards you, if you do something wrong in her eyes? I'll bet that's a totally different thing, huh?
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 06-21-2008, 09:00 AM
 
Location: southern california
49,099 posts, read 45,442,802 times
Reputation: 40127
how can i "get over it"
very little
its not about your foregiveness its about her remorse and amends. if there isn't any or very little all the forgiveness in the world won't fix what is wrong.
don't overlook a train passing. rarely a 1 shot deal.
get counseling asap & its not for her.
its about your survival and the kids.fyi adultery is now 50% as you know its no longer a guy thing.
not everything pretty is harmless


pdclipart.com
free clipart

Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 06-21-2008, 09:42 AM
 
1,666 posts, read 2,577,692 times
Reputation: 2034
Quote:
Originally Posted by kaykay View Post
It sounds like you do want to try to salvage your relationship. If you do, I agree with the others who said you probably need some counseling to get to the bottom of what precipitated all this.

I also recommend that you purchase the following book How To Survive an Affair by Dr. Willard Harley and also his website Marriage Builders - Successful Marriage Advice

I frequently recommend this resource because I think Dr. Harley has a real good handle on the realities of marital issues. It's worth a look IMO.

Wishing you the best~
I agree with reading Dr. Harleys books, they are good! As far as a counseler.......I'd say NO THANK YOU!

I've thought about this w/my wife, if she ever does cheat(we also have kids). I'd get a lawyer NOW and get everything in your name and keep enough money in her checking account to do what is needed(keep $1,000 in there) Get something written up that she can sign that says if she does this again, you get EVERYTHING......the kids, her clothes, cars, real estate, EVERYTHING! What she will get is a bra, undies, socks, shoes, jeans and a shirt.....thats it, not even make-up! If she won't sign it, then she isn't committed. If she does then keep both eyes open, but you can relax some.

You need to do what you can for the kids, it seams they are not that important to her. Let her know what it is doing to the kids, you can get over it, it will really mess up their lives if you get a divorce.........and you can bet your kids may have a divorce some day too. Don't do that to them!

I get tired of people on this site always say'n "divorce, leave, kick her out". If you have kids, you've got to put them first. You can get over it, your a big boy, it will mess up your kids.

Just my opinion. Good luck, man........hang in there.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 06-26-2008, 05:11 AM
 
Location: Naptowne, Alaska
14,843 posts, read 24,572,184 times
Reputation: 12942
You ever been married to a cheating spouse Caveman? Until you have been...the "bs" read a book or get counceling gets just as sickening for those of us that have been. Getting rid of her is the best thing you could do for the kids. You think they want to grow up seeing their mother cheat on their old man over and over? They need to realize that sort of behavior should not be tollerated. Chances are they will grow up and do the same thing with a cheating spouse. Keep taking them back...causing more heartache and turmoil. He needs to put an end to it now. For his sake and theirs. Why prolong the misery? The sooner they all get rid of her and move on to healing the better. God I hate a cheating spouse...you'd think they would have respect for themselves, the children, and the other spouse. Just end the relationship. Don't cheat. It's about as low life pond scum as you can get.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 06-26-2008, 05:25 AM
 
Location: Wishing It Was Wisconsin
534 posts, read 993,074 times
Reputation: 855
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rance View Post
You ever been married to a cheating spouse Caveman? Until you have been...the "bs" read a book or get counceling gets just as sickening for those of us that have been. Getting rid of her is the best thing you could do for the kids. You think they want to grow up seeing their mother cheat on their old man over and over? They need to realize that sort of behavior should not be tollerated. Chances are they will grow up and do the same thing with a cheating spouse. Keep taking them back...causing more heartache and turmoil. He needs to put an end to it now. For his sake and theirs. Why prolong the misery? The sooner they all get rid of her and move on to healing the better. God I hate a cheating spouse...you'd think they would have respect for themselves, the children, and the other spouse. Just end the relationship. Don't cheat. It's about as low life pond scum as you can get.
Excellent post Rance. I wanted to rep you, but need to spread some more first. I never ever understand people who stay with a cheater, especially for the sake of children. That drives me crazy! Hubby and I would never stay with each other if one of us cheated. There is no respect in cheating.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 06-26-2008, 05:44 AM
 
13,016 posts, read 11,625,564 times
Reputation: 7462
Quote:
Originally Posted by Capt. Cave Man View Post
I agree with reading Dr. Harleys books, they are good! As far as a counseler.......I'd say NO THANK YOU!

I've thought about this w/my wife, if she ever does cheat(we also have kids). I'd get a lawyer NOW and get everything in your name and keep enough money in her checking account to do what is needed(keep $1,000 in there) Get something written up that she can sign that says if she does this again, you get EVERYTHING......the kids, her clothes, cars, real estate, EVERYTHING! What she will get is a bra, undies, socks, shoes, jeans and a shirt.....thats it, not even make-up! If she won't sign it, then she isn't committed. If she does then keep both eyes open, but you can relax some.

You need to do what you can for the kids, it seams they are not that important to her. Let her know what it is doing to the kids, you can get over it, it will really mess up their lives if you get a divorce.........and you can bet your kids may have a divorce some day too. Don't do that to them!

I get tired of people on this site always say'n "divorce, leave, kick her out". If you have kids, you've got to put them first. You can get over it, your a big boy, it will mess up your kids.

Just my opinion. Good luck, man........hang in there.
statistics show, that staying together for the kids does not work, actually they end up with more instabilites and mental anguish...Staying with your spouse for the kids sake, is an old fashioned idea, that has been proven not to work. Actually, there have been many daytime talk shows who have touched base on this subject...and psycologists agree, you do more damage to yourself, and to the kids...kids are very sensitive, they know when somethings wrong, and when their parents are not happy...I don't care who the parents are and how they try to avoid confrontations in front of the kids. I mean, your actually telling him to tolerate it everytime his wife goes out to meet her lover? What person in their right mind, could tolerate that or get over it?

Also, while there are most certainly some couples that get through this, by working hard together, and believe me, it isn't an easy task or quick fix, it takes years to restore the trust....the majority of cheaters not all, but the majority...continue to cheat on their spouses. While I know your post is well intended...this woman doesn't sound to me like she cares to stop...nor cares at all for herself or her family...she will, though tell him what he wants to hear, and continue with her secret life...

When my husband cheated on me, my first question was..."I found out about this one, how many others were there before I found out?" It is a pattern, a sickness which needs help, but that person, really has to realize, the hurt they've caused, and want to change more then anything else. After I left...I found out, he had been cheating on me, since before we were married, not with one but many...ewwwww...

People that cheat...not most, but a large number of them...one of the common reasons for cheating is self-destruction...blaming the spouse, jealousy, mistrust, addiction to sex, the excitement of possibly getting away with it, needing to be in a new relationship time after time to feel good about themselves...and a total lack of respect for their spouses and kids. Some cheat to punish their spouses, as they are so angry b/c they've lived an abnormal childhood, some grew up in families that cheating was perfectly acceptable...some get caught up in the moment...and simply do not have the maturity or will power to say no. It feeds the ego.

To fix the problem, the cheater first has to admit to themselves they have a problem, and want it so bad, they will go to counsiling and admit what they've done...most do not care to fix themselves and refuse to even acknowledge the problem is their fault, in the stead, they blame everyone else.

This hugely breaks down the self esteem of the loyal spouse...they become confused and wonder...what is wrong with me...and all kinds of emotions start to overtake their whole being...jealousy, great despair, depression, self blame...fear of when he/she is going to go do it again...preoccupation with the obsession of replaying it over and over in their heads...loss of the ability to focus...to be happy, to perform normal routines.

This is not a good situation for kids.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:

Over $84,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Relationships
Similar Threads

All times are GMT -6. The time now is 10:41 AM.

2005-2014, Advameg, Inc.

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25 - Top