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Old 02-09-2010, 07:50 AM
 
3,284 posts, read 1,031,175 times
Reputation: 1832
"How do you get over a spouse's fling? "

That is not something I would ever be capable of doing - I don't think. And I am saying this from the "cheaters" perspective.
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Old 02-09-2010, 08:40 AM
 
Location: Amarillo, Tx
622 posts, read 695,717 times
Reputation: 650
Dude. She screwed another guy. That is a divorceable offense. Im sorry but I dont need anyone bad enough to forgive fu**ing someone else. That shows a total lack of respect for you and your marriage. How you could ever touch her again is beyond me.

Pack her sh*t and move on. Find someone that doesnt do other guys. You will be happier I promise. Grow some nuts and get some pride. Say goodbye.
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Old 02-09-2010, 08:51 AM
 
Location: South FL
9,444 posts, read 9,807,152 times
Reputation: 7873
Quote:
Originally Posted by theroadlesstravelled View Post
First some background: a few weeks ago I found some incriminating evidence that lead me to believe my wife was having an affair (there had been many clues for months as it was). I brought it to her attention, and after several difficult days she convinced me that I was wrong, that she wanted things to work out, as I did, and the past two weeks were really great and showed promise...until I found out tonight that while I had implicated the wrong guy, she has in fact been having an affair for at least the past 5 months. She says it's not an affair, but that it was something casual...but when she invited him to our house for a weekend when I took the kids on a trip by myself (know I know why she didn't want to come along), when they've had numerous conversations about themselves, a possible future together, when she was getting upset when he didn't call when he said he would, that everything felt so right between them, I think it seems more than just something casual (what the hell does that even mean anyway?)
She told me that it's over between them, that she loves me and that the past two weeks isn't a mirage. Only three weeks ago she was writing her best friend that she is so hung up on this guy; can she possibly be over him that soon and have feelings for me again that quickly?
I still love my wife, and I can forgive her. Our marriage has had its ups and downs over the yrs and has been rocky lately. Of course if she's not happy with our marriage she's going to enjoy the attention of a younger man who expresses his interest in her. Forgiving her is one thing, but I don't know if I'm man enough to deal with it. How do you know that even if we stay together, for the kids sake if nothing else, that she's not regretting being with me instead of him? How do you deal with the doubts that when she's kissing or embracing you it's not him that she's thinking about? How do you cope with the jealousy, wondering that when you're away camping with the kids (she rarely comes along) that she's not visiting him? I'd also worry about her calling him whenever we have a disagreement or if things aren't smooth between us at some point. I wish, for her sake and mine, that I could just forget and not worry about these things, but I don't think I'm strong enough.
I still love her, and I don't want to hurt our kids, but I don't know if staying together will be healthy. And I also wonder if she's not just confused now or feeling bad since the last two weeks have been like old times, but deep down she still would rather be with him.
Don't give up on the marriage. Get counseling, speak with your wife and try to get things fixed.

Sometimes during marriages, especially when you have kids, the spark goes out and people consiously or subconsiously are looking to fill the void, to feel that romance again, the feel the butterflies. Sounds like your wife was going through something like this and trust me, under certain circumstances, nobody is immuned from being trapped into this. That guy sounded like a piece of work, he sensed your wife wasn't fulfilled and he sucked her into this without any series intentions.

Tell your wife that you are willing to forgive her and work on the marriage, but DO scare her off saying that if you find out that she is continuing her romance, then it's over. She needs to hear how serious you are and understand the reality of the situation, which is what she needs now. A snap to reality.
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Old 02-09-2010, 08:53 AM
 
Location: South FL
9,444 posts, read 9,807,152 times
Reputation: 7873
Quote:
Originally Posted by Drover View Post
Anyone notice the original post is nearly two years old?
Damn, I just noticed. Well, maybe somebody else is going through the same thing now and hopefully will read through the thread.
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Old 02-09-2010, 09:07 AM
 
1,571 posts, read 1,537,095 times
Reputation: 612
You simple can't get over it. You can waste your money and energy on counseling sessions but you will never forget it so what's the point?

If the triggers decrease as time slips by then the marriage will get stronger. Only get counseling if you are willing to work it out and still love your wife, do not just do it for the kids' sake (but from within yourself).
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Old 02-09-2010, 12:07 PM
 
2,608 posts, read 2,776,463 times
Reputation: 2010
As a product of a similar situation (my parents never cheated, to my knowledge), my parents did what they thought was "sticking it out for the kids' sake" in their marriage. They had a lot of fights with each other while I was growing up and showed almost no emotion toward each other, and I realized later it was because they had decided they wanted to get divorced, just wanted to wait until me and my sister were out of the house and away to college before they did it.

It ended up being worse for me, I think it was much harder for me to deal with than if I were younger. When you're younger, you dont know all the details and it's easier to accept it, because you have to, you're a child.

As an adult, I knew way too many details, I wouldn't accept it, I ran from it, I showed hostility to their later partners, and it kind of messed me up in a sense of my view toward marriage.

My point is if you decide to stick it out and try and make it work, don't do it for the kids sake, because contrary to what most people believe, you're not doing them a favor by holding out to get divorced later. If it's inevitable, get rid of her now and move on with you life. I'm sure you're suffering, just end the pain.
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Old 02-09-2010, 11:15 PM
 
118 posts, read 151,880 times
Reputation: 78
Quote:
Originally Posted by max's mama View Post
Don't give up on the marriage. Get counseling, speak with your wife and try to get things fixed.

Sometimes during marriages, especially when you have kids, the spark goes out and people consiously or subconsiously are looking to fill the void, to feel that romance again, the feel the butterflies. Sounds like your wife was going through something like this and trust me, under certain circumstances, nobody is immuned from being trapped into this. That guy sounded like a piece of work, he sensed your wife wasn't fulfilled and he sucked her into this without any series intentions.

Tell your wife that you are willing to forgive her and work on the marriage, but DO scare her off saying that if you find out that she is continuing her romance, then it's over. She needs to hear how serious you are and understand the reality of the situation, which is what she needs now. A snap to reality.
Lady, that's so easier said than done. The moment I found out my wife was banging another guy, just the thought of her made me wanna throw up. Hell, even two years later I get sick to my stomach when I think about her. She's a disgusting pig, and I hope that someday she burns in hell for being such a vulgar *****.

It's not a question of whether or not I believe in divorce anymore...It's a question of whether or not I believe in marriage. In my opinion, the "women of today" simply aren't cut out for marriage. We live in a culture where cheating, promiscuity, and general deviant behavior is perfectly acceptable...as long as you have a vagina.
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