Help OR Not To Help (dating, wife, movies, boyfriend)
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I didn't come from a wealthy family by all means. I was taught the value of money and how hard it is to come by. Having this mentality, I've always lived below my means. I moved to DC and met this wonderful young lady which I have been seeing consistently for over two years now. She made plenty mistakes involving money. From putting herself in a $500.00 plus dollar car note to not being totally in control of her credit by letting collection agencies get involved with her debt. We are both young "I'm 22 and shes 23" so i understand her being young and dumb making bad decisions which she acknowledges. I helped her in anyway that i could/can. In total I've shelled out a couple thousand dollars from small trips on her b-day/valentine day get-aways to making sure she had a brand new bed when her air mattress popped. To her credit, she cooks, cleans, and does alot of small things that keep me loving her for the woman she is. Talks of marriage and buying real estate have been the talks for the last 2 months now. I know she is in no way, shape or form able to help me in assisting to the things that we both want.
This morning I get a call from her telling me about her bills, and A B C D she can't payoff and how she doesn't have any money, stressed and blah blah blah. She knows my financial situation and believes I could help her tremendously to get this situations resolved so we can both move on and start the next phase of things.
This is the woman I would like to spend the rest of my life with one day. I have been doing everything I thought I needed to do thus far being the man and taking care of my girl.
Bailing her out of HER obligations. I think this is over the top though. I have things I would like to do for myself at this time and I believe I owe it to myself to enjoy my fruits. At the same time, I look at her situation and how in the long run it could be an investment for our lives together to help us get to where we want to go in the end. I can't do it ALL by myself. Help OR Not To Help?? Input PLZ!! ( sorry so long, LOL I'm stressed)
NO! RED FLAG ALL AROUND! DO NOT DO IT! I did that with my ex. He was the wonderful boyfriend, did everything for me but relied on me financially for many things. Once he got straightened out financially, guess who bailed?
How long have you been going out with her? It's hard....because the bad thing could happen that you shell out this money and then you two break up...and you wasted your money (and, didn't really teach her responsibility). But then, if you're going out for a while...and I mean more than a couple of months...I don't know.
I know that I paid off some of my husband's debts for him, before we were married, but that was after a couple years of dating and it was for us to buy a house together...and I was engaged, so it was more of a definite long-term thing.
Would you feel comfortable writing up something stating that you are paying for these loans for her...but if you two break up she will owe you suchandsuch amount of money a month?
Why doesn't she get a second job?
I'm not telling you not to do it...but you also got to cover yourself too...
Well you HAVE to talk money if you are talking about a REAL relationship.
Help her by showing her how to handle her money. Dont bail her out. If she really couldnt pay her bills based on income,disability the state would pick up the slack. Which in that case helping someone is a good thing. But if they are just spending money like a teenager...Time for hard lesson in life of living within your means.
And sometimes that means your phone get shut off if you are not responsible.
I don't think any of us can tell you to help or not to help. That is your decision. We would be playing with your money and it's not ours to play with. I think the best we can do is explain our experiences (as SmerkyGrl did) and hopefully guide you to a thought-out decision.
That said, my experience is opposite to hers. My credit is nearly perfect. There were some disruptions in payments when I was still in the military and transferred from the States to Italy and then back again. But that's to be expected. My wife's credit is horrible. She's had reposessions, bills that weren't paid, defaulted loans, etc. This isn't attributed 100% to her, mostly to her ex-husband. But she made some mistakes along the way in what she "thought" was fixing them as well. So, he can't be entirely to blame.
Since she's been with me, I have made sure (and she agrees 100 percent with this) that my bills are primary and paid on time (mortgage, car payment, credit card bills, etc.). She is also to make regular payments on the things she can afford to pay (her student loans, her car, etc.). Then, whatever money we have left after groceries, etc, we put towards the remaining debts she has. Luckily, we have been able to make all the payments on mine, AND pay the minimums on her stuff. So, her credit scores are increasing monthly. But, she realizes it's more imperative that my credit stay as good as possible while she rebuilds hers. Additionally, pay her stuff off also comes after paying "ourselves" which allows for yearly vacations, movies, dinner's out, etc.
My recommendation would be to agree that your money (combined) go to keeping your credit as perfect as you can, pay yourselves (for the stuff you want to do), then paying her stuff off.
The big question is has she learned from what she did, or does she keep making bad judgement calls? She's still young, and if you do get together (married), her credit will pick up if she's not making the same mistakes.
Your call though. But, married means sharing. Maybe you can prioritize the "things" you want to do, and plan on 1/2 of them, and save the other ones until after your (her) finances are squared away.
We have been together for alittle over 2 years now.
Quote:
Originally Posted by mrshvo
Would you feel comfortable writing up something stating that you are paying for these loans for her...but if you two break up she will owe you suchandsuch amount of money a month?
I did write up something for her but I'm STILL hesitant. If it doesn't work out I don't want to go through the headache.
Quote:
Originally Posted by mrshvo
Why doesn't she get a second job?
She goes to school in the afternoon after she gets off of work
Location: Visitation between Wal-Mart & Home Depot
8,309 posts, read 38,764,983 times
Reputation: 7185
Quote:
Originally Posted by Defined_Within
This is the woman I would like to spend the rest of my life with one day. I have been doing everything I thought I needed to do thus far being the man and taking care of my girl.
Bailing her out of HER obligations. I think this is over the top though. I have things I would like to do for myself at this time and I believe I owe it to myself to enjoy my fruits. At the same time, I look at her situation and how in the long run it could be an investment for our lives together to help us get to where we want to go in the end. I can't do it ALL by myself. Help OR Not To Help?? Input PLZ!! ( sorry so long, LOL I'm stressed)
If you tell her "NO WAY, JOSE" would it adversely affect your relationship? If so, that is not who you want to spend the rest of your life with. I don't think that paying off her debt would be an investment in your future, it would be setting a precedent. You're telling her it's ok to keep screwing up because you will be there to bail her out and I don't think that's a good way to get started.
You have to tell her "no". How she responds will tell you a lot about who she is and whether you want to spend your life with her.
The big question is has she learned from what she did, or does she keep making bad judgement calls? She's still young, and if you do get together (married), her credit will pick up if she's not making the same mistakes.
Your call though. But, married means sharing. Maybe you can prioritize the "things" you want to do, and plan on 1/2 of them, and save the other ones until after your (her) finances are squared away.
Honestly, I believe she has learned from her previous situations, but the fact of shelling it out BEFORE we are married is hard for me to do. I don't expect her to be some millionaire or have perfect credit. I just want her to come into the relationship with something on the plate. . is that alot to ask for?
If you tell her "NO WAY, JOSE" would it adversely affect your relationship? If so, that is not who you want to spend the rest of your life with. I don't think that paying off her debt would be an investment in your future, it would be setting a precedent. You're telling her it's ok to keep screwing up because you will be there to bail her out and I don't think that's a good way to get started.
You have to tell her "no". How she responds will tell you a lot about who she is and whether you want to spend your life with her.
This hasn't been the first time this has been discussed.
In regards to me helping her, i have always told her to take care of your bills first and then if you needed help with food or little nic-nack things i would help. Things just hit the fan when she approached me about the situation today when I'm doing all that i can to help us get where we would like to go and shes coming at me with her STRESS!!. . I have my own. Things are expensive and I don't think she clearly understands that. I hate for this to be a issue but it is. Money is money, it comes and goes but we need it to maintain.
I would not help her with money if I were you. I see that she is in school so can't get a 2nd job in the evenings, but how about on the weekends? IF it is driving her that crazy, she probably can't concentrate on school, so how are her grades? Some people put off school and get a f/t job(s) in this situation. First & foremost, she needs to ensure that she pay the car since it is secured with the car and she does not want a reposession on her hands. Yes, the credit cards will call the most and that is why people fall into the trap of paying them first BUT one in trouble should always pay rent/home, car,utilities, food, lastly cards (unsecured debt) in that order. Also, there are places called Consumer Credit Counseling Services (non-profit agency, not the ones that charge a fee!) that help people in these situations. They can help her with her budget & get her on a debt management plan but it DOES effect her credit for at least 7 years or longer and she can't open any new accounts while on it (her credit will be bad anyway). It will make her use cash for all expenses, living within her means. Good luck!
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