Should he dump her or take her grown-up daughter to his home? (women, love)
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Fortunately, this is NOT my own situation. This situation belongs to a good friend of my dear loved one, and because this good friend has been constantly complaining to him about his situation, I decided to ask y'all about how YOU would respond/ do, if you were in the same shoe as my BF's good friend.
Ok, Robert (the good friend) and Nancy have been living together for ... a while (by the time my BF and I got together, Rob & Nancy had already been living together), happily. Nancy has a 20-something daughter (early 20's) named Lauren, who lives with Nancy's Mom (by choice -- Lauren does not want to have another male figure dictating her life, even though this man, Robert, is the only man-figure that her family will only have, because Lauren's own father does not want anything to do w/ her, sadly). So the living situation is this: Rob and Nancy live together, and Lauren lives together w/ her Grandma.
Well, Lauren got pregnant by her ex-BF (smart, I know! NOT!), and she's been frantic -- never used protection, so she didn't realize that she was pregnant until 3 months along (yes, super dumb). She felt incapacitated by this new responsibility of being a new mother, and she asked her mother, Nancy, to "help her get situated" with her new life as being a new mother. Meaning, she asked Nancy, her Mom, if they could take turns taking care of her baby "until she settles down and get this new parenting responsibilities right".
Well, the baby was born 4 weeks ago, and the baby turns out to more of the responsibility that Lauren, the young grown up daughter, could bear. So the help that she needs from dear Mom Nancy turns from the requirement for Nancy to spend a couple of nights sleeping at Lauren's place to take turns feeding the baby, to EVERYDAY spending the night at Lauren's place to take care of the baby. Yes, so basically, Nancy has unofficially moved in with Lauren and Lauren's Grandma, leaving Rob (Nancy's live in BF) sleeping alone, which means... no nookie...
So now Rob is left wondering if Nancy will ever come back to live with him, or continue to do this "staying every night at my daughter's place w/o officially moving out of my own place" thing.
What would you do if you were in Rob's shoes? Sorry for the long explanation.
If I was Rob I would tell Nancy to tell her daughter to raise her own child. Early 20's is old enough to handle the responsibility of parenthood. I understand Nancy wanting to help but the longer she lets it go on the more likely it is that she will end up raising her grandchild.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mlammons
If I was Rob I would tell Nancy to tell her daughter to raise her own child. Early 20's is old enough to handle the responsibility of parenthood. I understand Nancy wanting to help but the longer she lets it go on the more likely it is that she will end up raising her grandchild.
I have to agree, but I think that putting Nancy in a spot where she has to choose between Rob and her daughter is going to mean a split-up. To me, the fact that Nancy is so readily assisting her daughter with a situation that she has no obligation to help with tells me that she isn't going to be very amenable to Rob's perspective if it means letting Nancy's daughter be an adult on her own. Rob really has to decide if he can deal with having what seems to be a very spoiled and irresponsible girl under his roof for the indefinite future. If not, this is going to hose Rob and Nancy's relationship.
Why cant Lauren just leave the baby with Nancy at Nancys house a few days/nights a week instead of Nancy having to stay with Lauren. Why cant grandma help?
Shoot, how many women does it take to care for one baby anyway.
Why cant Lauren just leave the baby with Nancy at Nancys house a few days/nights a week instead of Nancy having to stay with Lauren. Why cant grandma help?
Shoot, how many women does it take to care for one baby anyway.
Well, putting the baby at Nancy and Rob's place for a few days/ nights is not an option because the whole point of Nancy being at Lauren's place (which is actually Lauren's grandma's place) is so that the Lauren can settle down and raise her own baby properly. But you're right, at early 20's, Lauren SHOULD be able to suck it up, and deal with the difficulties of being a new mom, just like any one of us would. Besides, she has the grandma living with her (Lauren), so personally, I really don't see why Lauren needs another woman in the house to take care of her own baby, because with this current situation, seems like 3 women (the grandma, Nancy-the Mom, and Lauren-the daughter) are living in the same house, though Nancy's actual address is with her BF, Rob.
I totally understand that this puts poor Rob in a very difficult situation. Speak up at the risk of losing a relationship with Nancy, or be quiet and lose out on the relationship that has switched focus to a new grandchild.
I'm rather blunt and open when it comes to situations that I do not agree with. I understand that Rob is not Lauren's father and he is not granted the "fatherly" right of putting his foot down. But, if he is losing Nancy to the new grand child anyways, what's he got to lose, right? Lauren wanted to play the game, now Lauren has to pay the consequences. Pure and simple. From my understanding... NOT VERY MANY YOUNG MOTHERS EVER KNEW WHAT THEY WERE DOING -- BUT THEY SOME HOW FIGURED IT OUT!! Nancy needs to stop giving handouts to Lauren, or Lauren is never gonna be a 'Big Girl' and do it by herself. That is it, plain and simple. Don't take this as I am advocating that Lauren shouldn't get any help --- I'm saying this as Lauren is clearly taking advantage of the help she has available because she "wasn't ready" to pay the Piper.
"why buy the cow if the milk is free?" -- Why should Lauren TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR HER OWN ACTIONS (and stupidity) when mom is just going to come and clean up after her?!?!
So, the question for Rob is... how much does he love Nancy, and is he willing to fight for what he loves?
The first three months are exhausting and it really takes 2 people with at least one night time feeding being covered by someone other than the mom if possible so she can also sleep for a block of time longer than 2 or 3 hours. And one really needs another person to help hold the baby during the day, depending upon how much the baby sleeps. Plus she's not experienced with children and has no father around to help figure it all out. Its hard at first, but it gets so much easier as the days move along. So I think he should give it 3 months and then see what's up.
Unless mom is using this as an excuse to get away from the guy, I think she'll be back once things settle down with the newborn and her daughter has a routine going with the baby (remember, the first several weeks require round the clock feedings and millions more diaper changes than later on).
And yes, of course the girl CAN raise her baby without her mom's help, but its a lot easier with an extra set of hands, so why not help out her daughter temporarily and get to spend all that time with her grandchild.
The first three months are exhausting and it really takes 2 people with at least one night time feeding being covered by someone other than the mom if possible so she can also sleep for a block of time longer than 2 or 3 hours. And one really needs another person to help hold the baby during the day, depending upon how much the baby sleeps.
OK, I breast fed my son (no bottles at all) for the first 6 months of his life- so I was the ONLY one who could feed him. My husband at the time worked 12 - 14 hour days - so I was the only one holding my son all day (and he wasn't a good sleeper). My mom stayed for 2 wks after he was born and then went back to her house in another state. So, it's nice to have help, but definitly not necessary.
Well, the baby is only 4 weeks old and it's not unusual for new moms to need help. I think I'd have to tell Rob to wait a bit longer. If things haven't improved by the 4 month mark then it's time to ask her to make a choice. In the meantime, he needs to be supportive.
OK, I breast fed my son (no bottles at all) for the first 6 months of his life- so I was the ONLY one who could feed him. My husband at the time worked 12 - 14 hour days - so I was the only one holding my son all day (and he wasn't a good sleeper). My mom stayed for 2 wks after he was born and then went back to her house in another state. So, it's nice to have help, but definitly not necessary.
Maybe not for you but that doesn't mean someone else doesn't need help.
One difference in your situation and this girl's situation. You had a husband who would come home at night. I believe she's alone. Perhaps the idea of being alone and completely responsible for this baby is too much for her.
I also exclusively breast fed my babies but my husband was still some help (unless you count the time he fell asleep while on duty and our 2 year old decided to carry her newborn sister across the house to me because daddy was snoring men!!). I knew ther'd be another adult coming home at 6:00. I knew that if I had been holding a crying baby all day he could, at least, hold her while I showered. He could change a diaper, etc, etc, etc... I can't imagine being alone with a newborn. Especially your first.
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men!!). I knew ther'd be another adult coming home at 6:00. I knew that if I had been holding a crying baby all day he could, at least, hold her while I showered. He could change a diaper, etc, etc, etc... I can't imagine being alone with a newborn. Especially your first.
