Play dumb / it's safe. I'm ranting. (dating, boyfriends, girlfriends, how to)

[keeperk]

I'm ranting, lost and have posted before about this.
The bottom line answer was "Why buy the milk when you can get the cow for free". I agree.

I've tried to make this short but can't.

7 yr's ago I was broke/divorced/ moved to NM and just got into real estate and started my life over with 2 young kids, 4 and 12.
Working hard knowing someday my ship would come in. During that time I met a guy showing him land.
To make it short, we fell in love and committed to eachother. He was moving to NM to retire. But oh la!@ Now he'll have a girl waiting for him when he gets here!

He was older, (50's) semi retired. Looking for a retirement place in NM. I was in my late 30's just working and not looking. Our commitment consisted of, he was not looking, nor I. I would only agree to a "relationship" if only it meant marriage, hearth and home for the long run as I had 2 kids and was not in the dating mode. I was not looking. If I were to have a relationship, it was only for longterm. He agreeed and said, yes of course. But lets give it at least 2 years, and if we still feel the way we do about eachother, then of course, it's marriage and we'll do it together. I'm basing my whole gripes on that day's agreement.

We've had lots of history together since then. Now he's almost 60 and I'm in my mid 40's. Fast forward...

It's been,
wait till daughter is older.
wait till son is older
wait to make some $$
wait to own a home
wait till make lots of $$
wait till career is up and running
Now I've made him money,me money, own 2 homes but....
have a grandchild that I raise now]
then it's get rid of the grandbaby...
I refused to make any moves about my grandbaby based on our relationship but only on it's own merits. grandbaby might go live with his dad. The time is coming near...
now it's
wait till the dog dies.
but no! wait! the dog can come, cause she's old and will die soon anyway. But NO more dogs and NO pets! Not in my house!
My son can come, he's willing to take on that risk. He's still a sweet kid... BUT, I bought my son an electronic drum set for christmas last year Still in the box. No room for it and the baby won't leave it alone here.

No drum set, too noisy. He was a drummer, thought he'd like that.
I own an awesome electronic piano. Used to write music.
Too noisy.
He's a builder. Told him he could build us a noise room. Nope, costs money.
So, ok. He's lived up to his bargain. We can had hearth and home as long as I don't bring noise, bills or risks with it. But these came after the deal.

I told him I feel like I have a big R on my forehead. R for risks. Finally told him I'm tired of beating a dead horse over it all. His answer was he's glad the horse is dead. Which minimizes my complaints.

My house needs work and I have to beat the horse and beg him to pay him his rates to fix what needs done. Usually in the end I have to prove I've been screwed $$ and desperate before he'll help and send me a bill. I know boyfriends of girls that just do those things for their girlfriends. I finally quit asking and don't invite him over to my falling apart home and noisy kids.

He claims he bought his new house to be closer to me and for us.
I remind him that is BS as I never even saw his house till after he did a contract on it. He moved due to barking dogs next to him at his other house. There is no place for my stuff, it's a duplicate of his old house which is a nice bacholor pad or a place for a retired married couple.

Guess I'm hurt. Been in a long term relationship which obviously is getting nowhere. My choices are status quo or leave I suppose. If I leave, I leave a good friend and my only friend.

[girlintheglass]

Wow, not to be harsh but I would look to make new friends cuz he doesn't sound like much of one and as for a mate... he has told you both verbally and with his actions. Life is too short waste time with someone that doesnt value you. But here is the key... you have to value you! We teach people how to treat us by the way we treat ourselves and what we put up with. Hire someone else to fix the house or do it yourself, and find a few girl friends and go meet more people. I am a single mom too, I do understand. I had to learn to love me before any "he" would.

[Jennynifer]

I am so sorry you are going through such a difficult time. Where my situation was different, I do relate to what you are saying. My ex (of 2 months) wanted me to get rid of certain families, pursue certain careers, live in a certain neighborhood, dress a certain way (we come from much different backgrounds). The point is, that no matter what I did, it was never enough and it was never going to be. Some people get trapped in finding their fault in others. They tend to pick away at everything and when there is nothing left they will create a new issues to "deal with". You must take care of you; and your children and grandchild of course. Don't miss out on someone who is willing to accept you and all that comes with you, for a man that you are "hoping" will accpet all of this. My opinion is that no matter what you do, he is going to find fault somewhere, somehow.

I hope I didn't overstep boundries, but trust in yourself. Everything else will follow.

[mollyblythe]

Sad to say but (as Dr. Phil says) we teach people how to treat us. What we tolerate from others is what we get. If your guy has strung you along thus far, that's what he'll continue to do. It's difficult to give up on those long term plans, hopes and dreams. But it's more demoralizing to stay with someone who repeatedly breaks promises, gives very little and expects you to do all the changing and accomodating. Sounds like you know in your heart of hearts that your situation (and therefore you) will never be perfect enough for him nor meet his expectations. He has the comfort of your company and companionship when he wants it while still not deviating very much from a confirmed bachelorhood. Sounds like he's calling most all the shots.

Do you still feel you love him though he has shown so little regard for you? If you were to break it off with him, what do you feel you'll have lost? Are you willing to continue to accept crumbs from his table as you describe? Is it time for you to stop going to an empty well for water (i.e. hoping for something you're not going to get)?

Being on your own is difficult but I bet you'd feel a much greater sense of self-worth and self-determination on your own than you feel now. From what you say, it sounds like you're pretty much on your own anyway. You can then be open to a healthier relationship if an opportunity presents itself. Work on making friends who support you. Feeling he is your best and only friend is only going to keep you in a needy and stuck mode. Doesn't sound like he's much of a friend.

Have you done a PROS and CONS list of staying in this relationship versus going it on your own? That might help to clarify.

Sorry this has caused you grief. Dreams die hard. Best wishes for finding strength, clarity and resolution.

[Fickle]

Oh my sweetie.


This has to be a very hard ledge to jump off of with the hopes of not landing flat on your face.

I think you should leave and focus on yourself and your family. You do not need to waste anymore of your life on a man that isnt on the same level as yourself.

Smile and realize that yes, you are worth it. Then start over, again

[pitt_transplant]

Are you happy?
If not..You started over once and can do it again.

I really dont like people that go all pie-crust promise for thier own personal reasons that they cover up with crap like a dying dog.
Friends dont treat friends like that. Everyone has thier bad days..But buster has a theme going on with you.

[quelinda]

OMG, LEAVE THIS MAN IMMEDIATELY! You're in your 40s, still young enough to find your soul mate or at least a nice guy who will accept your family and happily be a part of it. There's tons of them on the internet LOL! OK, maybe not but maybe, or through your real estate activities again (maybe you'll have better luck next time). Point is, you have not been looking so ye shall not find. BREAK UP WITH THIS LOSER.

My biggest problem with this geezer (and I say that cuz of how he acts about 100 years old, not 60) is that he wants you to kick out your daughter and grandchild. If you're daughter is under 22, she would feel very hurt and abandoned. Its just not right. Its been done to me by my selfish EX-stepmother who didn't want us around. We ended living alone as teenagers because of her. FAMILY FIRST. KIDS FIRST. Shiat, I couldn't even see it for a handsome man AROUND MY OWN AGE OR YOUNGER whos got it going on, yet FOR THIS GUY??!!!!

He is your only friend because you have made it that way. Look for other friends. As soon as you are single again, THEY WILL COME TO YOU as he did. Or you can openly look on the net. These days ya just turn on your computer and post a pic (but first make sure all greys are covered and you're in shape and feeling hot again as I have a feeling this guy has diminished this within you).

Just dont put your kids and grandchild second for this guy. And who'd want to be around his nagging a** anyway?!

[andreaspercheron]

I thought I read this somewhere on here before..
anyhoo.. leave. You will make new friends but before you do that you will need to take time for yourself, relearn about yourself and go on with life.
You are doing yourself an injustice and your kids the same by staying. Move, leave, start over. It's not as scary as you think.

[furry_playstation]

he's just not that into you

[Rcm58]

Your too young to be that old...I'm sure hes a nice man or you wouldn't have looked twice but you only get one life. Hes set in his ways in ways you can't change.