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Answer to #1: Personally, that would be a trust issue.
Answer to #2: Personally, it is because I trust my SO (part of that reason is because I've been to one myself).
Overall, just because "I" don't attend such things nowadays does NOT give me the right to tell my SO that he should not either. Each person is different, and therefore, I shouldn't be controlling my SO on it. Someone on this forum said that the majority of the time, when bachelor parties such as this occur, all the men are asking is to have SPACE.
Thanks for answering.
Out of curiousity, why do you see it as a trust issue. To explain my question, I think trust or lack of trust is seperate issue. To me, if I didn't trust the person that I was with, I wouldn't be with them. So, because of that, trust or lack of trust would be irrelevant in my views towards attending or not attending such functions. I figure, if I am with him, it already means I trust him, otherwise I wouldn't be with him.
While I agree that in an adult relationship there shouldn't be a controlling imposed upon the SO, I also see that a relationship is about respecting each other and taking each other's feelings and opinions into consideration.
For example. My husband has no interest in such activities, but for the sake of this example lets say he did. If the subject came up and I explained that I didn't like them for whatever reason and would prefer if he didn't participate, if he decided for himself to give it up and not participate in them, does it necessarily have to mean that it is controlling him or changing him? Or could it possibly just be that out of respect for my feelings and our relationship he simply decided not to attend them?
In such a scenario, even though the husband is making some adjustments by and through not participating in such events, does it necessarily mean that the wife is now controlling the husband or doesn't trust him? Or is it simply a sign of a healthy relationship in which two adults determine that respect for each other and sensitivity to the feelings and opinions of their partner is important?
Out of curiousity, why do you see it as a trust issue. To explain my question, I think trust or lack of trust is seperate issue. To me, if I didn't trust the person that I was with, I wouldn't be with them. So, because of that, trust or lack of trust would be irrelevant in my views towards attending or not attending such functions. I figure, if I am with him, it already means I trust him, otherwise I wouldn't be with him.
While I agree that in an adult relationship there shouldn't be a controlling imposed upon the SO, I also see that a relationship is about respecting each other and taking each other's feelings and opinions into consideration.
For example. My husband has no interest in such activities, but for the sake of this example lets say he did. If the subject came up and I explained that I didn't like them for whatever reason and would prefer if he didn't participate, if he decided for himself to give it up and not participate in them, does it necessarily have to mean that it is controlling him or changing him? Or could it possibly just be that out of respect for my feelings and our relationship he simply decided not to attend them?
In such a scenario, even though the husband is making some adjustments by and through not participating in such events, does it necessarily mean that the wife is now controlling the husband or doesn't trust him? Or is it simply a sign of a healthy relationship in which two adults determine that respect for each other and sensitivity to the feelings and opinions of their partner is important?
To this question: "For example. My husband has no interest in such activities, but for the sake of this example lets say he did. If the subject came up and I explained that I didn't like them for whatever reason and would prefer if he didn't participate, if he decided for himself to give it up and not participate in them, does it necessarily have to mean that it is controlling him or changing him? "
My answer is no, that is not a controlling issue. If your SO decides FOR HIM/HERSELF to NOT participate, then good for you. But if you have TO TELL HIM/ HER NOT TO GO, then that would be a controlling behavior.
That's why I said the key is to find someone w/ very much similar values as you have.
Was looking through posts on some other threads and was going to put this question out there in one of them, but didn't want to hijack the conversations going on so figured I'd just start a new thread with it.
Basically, what I see in the threads on this or similar subjects is some people tend to associate a person's not wanting their SO to attend bachlor/bachlorette parties or strip clubs as having something to do with a possible lack of trust. Contrary to this, some people associate not minding their SO to attend such things as some sign of fully trusting them. Kind of like trust is a key factor in the equation in some way.
However, I was just wondering, call it the curious nature in me, if other's would agree that sometimes it has absolutely nothing to do with a trust factor, but everything to do with either a distaste for such things or simple lack of interest or desire to either be involved with them or dating someone that feels otherwise.
This is not really a question up for debate or anything like that. Just a curiousity of how most people feel about it.
1 - To you, if you don't attend such things and prefer your SO not to as well, is it a trust issue, or simply a distaste or lack of interest?
2 - To you, if you do attend such things and don't mind your SO doing so, is it in your opinion based on higher trust levels, or simply because you don't mind such events yourself.
For me personally, I find it to be a bit distasteful. Perhaps when I was merely 18 through say oh 22 or so, it was different. However, as I have matured in life, my views have changed and my sense of values have solidified, therefore, it's just nothing appealing to me. As a result my preference would be that my SO would feel the same about it. It, however, has absolutely nothing to do with a trust factor.
How about you?
** Please respect other people's views and opinions. Conversations are good, as are asking questions about maybe why someone feels the way they do. However, there is no need to debate this question to death or try to change anyone else's opinion on it. Everyone is entitled to their opinion.
I don't think it's a matter of right or wrong...what I do think though, it is a matter of making certain you pick a spouce that is able to live up to your expectations of subjects as such...compatibility in your way of thinking, morals, do's and dont's...instead of pretending to agree with the person that you feel the way they do, and then after your married, turn into someone that that person never really knew...very unfair.
so, to me...I would want to make certain, my man feels the same way I do on this subject, otherwise, it would not be a good fit...for either one of us.
I don't think it's a matter of right or wrong...what I do think though, it is a matter of making certain you pick a spouce that is able to live up to your expectations of subjects as such...compatibility in your way of thinking, morals, do's and dont's...instead of pretending to agree with the person that you feel the way they do, and then after your married, turn into someone that that person never really knew...very unfair.
so, to me...I would want to make certain, my man feels the same way I do on this subject, otherwise, it would not be a good fit...for either one of us.
Creme
That's right CREME, it's important to pick a partner w/ similar values, then your SO can live up to your expectations. You can't change a person when a person's life blueprints have been made for him. If the person does not live up to what you expect, then let him go...
I trust my husband completely! That being said, my husband knew the type of person I am and where my moral standards are before he even proposed to me. He feels the same way and there is no "ban" on him going anywhere.
I TRUST my husband as much if not more than most women I know trust their SO's and I don't think that being open to your SO going to such events is a sign of trust. You could put it on the other side and say it's a sign of insecurity if you don't feel right about your SO going to a strip club and yet you don't speak up on the matter.
I have no reason not to trust my husband, he doesn't like strip clubs, he went once or twice when he was 18 and didn't see the point in it. That was long before he and I were friends. He made the decision himself and sought out a wife (myself) who felt the same way about things. Now, if I were to have sought out the proverbial bad boy and proceeded to try to "make" him stop going to strip clubs and such that would be an entirely different situation.
There is a huge difference between trust and having moral standards.
Thanks for answering. I agree with what you have said and it is precisely how my husband and I see it. It has nothing to do with trust for us. It is just our moral standards and views that dictate our decision not to attend and/or our desire for each other not to attend such things.
And that is the difference between a man and a woman. A man is highly visual, a woman? Not so.
I agree with you that most men are highly visual. However, in my opinion I don't think this is as big a difference between men and women as it appears at times. I just think women are not that prone to admit it publicly.
For conversation sake, I am very visual as well, however, when in a relationship I choose to take in that visual satisfaction from only one source, my husband. He by the same token, I'm sure is highly visual as well, however he too chooses to take that satisfaction from only one source as well, his wife.
In my opinion, the difference therefore is not so much in being visual or not, such as in the ability to see an attractive person and say "he/she is attractive" (I think we all have that, male/female, in a relationship/totally single) but rather in whether or not as individuals we intentionally seek that visual stimulation, indulgence, or entertainment from sources other than our partner. That, at least to me, is the difference.
Maybe it boils down to just being a matter of satisfaction level within the relationship to an extent or simply moral standards. I just have no need to indulge my vision or anything in anyone else other than my spouse. Not only because it is my moral standard but also because he fulfills that sufficiently for me. And, by his choice, words and actions, apparently it's the same for him as well.
I agree with you that most men are highly visual. However, in my opinion I don't think this is as big a difference between men and women as it appears at times. I just think women are not that prone to admit it publicly.
For conversation sake, I am very visual as well, however, when in a relationship I choose to take in that visual satisfaction from only one source, my husband. He by the same token, I'm sure is highly visual as well, however he too chooses to take that satisfaction from only one source as well, his wife.
In my opinion, the difference therefore is not so much in being visual or not, such as in the ability to see an attractive person and say "he/she is attractive" (I think we all have that, male/female, in a relationship/totally single) but rather in whether or not as individuals we intentionally seek that visual stimulation, indulgence, or entertainment from sources other than our partner. That, at least to me, is the difference.
Maybe it boils down to just being a matter of satisfaction level within the relationship to an extent or simply moral standards. I just have no need to indulge my vision or anything in anyone else other than my spouse. Not only because it is my moral standard but also because he fulfills that sufficiently for me. And, by his choice, words and actions, apparently it's the same for him as well.
My statement in regards to men being highly visual is based on biology, not moral standards, not about happiness in one's relationship. What you're talking about is based on decision-making. Two completely different fields.
To this question: "For example. My husband has no interest in such activities, but for the sake of this example lets say he did. If the subject came up and I explained that I didn't like them for whatever reason and would prefer if he didn't participate, if he decided for himself to give it up and not participate in them, does it necessarily have to mean that it is controlling him or changing him? "
My answer is no, that is not a controlling issue. If your SO decides FOR HIM/HERSELF to NOT participate, then good for you. But if you have TO TELL HIM/ HER NOT TO GO, then that would be a controlling behavior.
That's why I said the key is to find someone w/ very much similar values as you have.
Fair enough. Was just wondering because some people would still see that as controlling, maybe through a manipulation of sorts, because they figure that left to his own accord he may not have made such decision.
I however would not agree with that view. While true, left on his own accord he may not have made the same decision, I'd still believe its all part of what transpires in a healthy relationship where it is no longer merely about self as much, but more so about an "us" now.
Fair enough. Was just wondering because some people would still see that as controlling, maybe through a manipulation of sorts, because they figure that left to his own accord he may not have made such decision.
I however would not agree with that view. While true, left on his own accord he may not have made the same decision, I'd still believe its all part of what transpires in a healthy relationship where it is no longer merely about self as much, but more so about an "us" now.
What I highlighted is true, because, let's say that your hubby was the type that would go to one of these events if being invited, had you NOT told him about how you feel about those types of places, he would go -- how on Earth would he know how you truly feel if you didn't tell him, right? Just because two people are in one relationship, it is not safe to assume right off the bat that your SO would do exactly/ feel exactly as you do. That's why these types of issues need to be addressed way before two people decide to go forward in the relationship. Molding another's behaviors sounds exhausting, and nagging.
Also, this is why I think you and I disagree on this issue: correct me if I'm wrong, but you mentioned that in a relationship, it's ALL about "US", no longer about "oneself" anymore. My opinion is this:
Even though the MAJORITY (not ALL) of the relationship/ marriage is about "US", each person in the relationship/ marriage NEEDS to maintain his/ her individuality -- after all, isn't the other person's INDIVIDUALITY the reason why you're with him/ her?
I don't think it's a matter of right or wrong...what I do think though, it is a matter of making certain you pick a spouce that is able to live up to your expectations of subjects as such...compatibility in your way of thinking, morals, do's and dont's...instead of pretending to agree with the person that you feel the way they do, and then after your married, turn into someone that that person never really knew...very unfair.
so, to me...I would want to make certain, my man feels the same way I do on this subject, otherwise, it would not be a good fit...for either one of us.
Creme
Thanks Creme. I agree that compatability is the key factor in the mix. Guess that's why personally I don't see it as a trust factor. Though I do realize that there are cases where that is or becomes the issue, but usually those problems run so far deeper than just attending such events and has little to do with that.
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