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When it comes to relationships and especially marriage, you often hear 2 things:
1) Make sure you are with someone who is similar to you
2) Opposites attract and is the spice of life
Based on that, for those of you either in a committed relationship or married, I wonder....
1) How similar (or opposite) are you?
2) What are some of your similarities? *and* How do you think those similarities work for your relationship? Or against it?
3) What are some of your differences? *and* How do you think those differences work for your relationship? Or against it?
Also, for those of you that have some differences, how do you reconcile those differences to make it work for your relationship?
my dh and i are kind of opposites and then the same.
we have similar wants in life. we enjoy doing some of the same things, we are open minded.
then again we are opposite because if i am thinking turn left, he is actually turning right. it happens almost every time. for example we are in a parking lot about to park. there are open spaces on either side, i will pick one in my head and he parks in the opposite. that is just a silly example, but it happens in other instances as well.
he gets very stressed and you can see it on his face. if i get stressed, i dont show it as much or i know how to calm myself.
similarities work because you both need to be going in the same direction in life in order to stay together.
the differences will cause us to compromise.
marriage is a lot of compromise-a lot. but if the marriage is worth it, then compromise comes easy.
My fiance and I have similar interests but our upbringings were very different. He was brought up with money, never wanted for anything, always worked but really never wanted for anything.
I was brought up very poor and really appreciate everything. He does as well but he always thinks his stuff is better because it cost more. Not true.
He is tight with money, can be but can also be very generous at times.
He has no clue about empathy or sympathy. I have lost people in my life, buried friends and family and where I feel for people, he has no clue LOL
He isn't good at sticking up for himself, he's "too nice" sometimes which drives me nuts. I'm the complete opposite, I speak my mind and have no problem sticking up for myself (and him).
Where I sympathize with people and empathize, he does not. Where I'm so grateful for the little things, he needs to go big. For all of the differences we have, we compliment each other even those there are those differences.
He's the quiet, shy, kind of reserved but once he warms up he's good to go. I'm hilarious, outgoing etc right out of the gate.
We do have a lot in common in interests though, we are car/ motorcycle/ animal / social / movies / travel ,etc... we have all of those interests the same.
I wouldn't trade him for the world though. It works.
my dh and i are kind of opposites and then the same.
we have similar wants in life. we enjoy doing some of the same things, we are open minded.
then again we are opposite because if i am thinking turn left, he is actually turning right. it happens almost every time. for example we are in a parking lot about to park. there are open spaces on either side, i will pick one in my head and he parks in the opposite. that is just a silly example, but it happens in other instances as well.
he gets very stressed and you can see it on his face. if i get stressed, i dont show it as much or i know how to calm myself.
similarities work because you both need to be going in the same direction in life in order to stay together.
the differences will cause us to compromise.
marriage is a lot of compromise-a lot. but if the marriage is worth it, then compromise comes easy.
I agree, marriage is a lot of compromise and is worth it.
I tend to believe somewhat in that opposites do attract. I think it is primarily because we see something in someone else that we sometimes wish we could be more like. For example, if we are the kind of person that stresses out over the little things, and the person of interest to us tends to be more of a "let it roll off your back" type person without stressing over it, we secretly or openly wish we could be more like that. Therefore, we in essence seek out the balance in life.
I do, however, also believe that it is very important to have the similarities in the crucial things in life because it is important to be heading in the same direction. Matters such as faith, family, finances, parenting, values, etc.
I'll probably add some stuff as we go along, but with my husband for example...
Similarities:
1) Our faith - We both believe in God and in attending church (this helps because it reduces conflict in this are and keeps us connected at a deep level)
2) Our values - We both believe in honesty, faithfulness, working through problems rather than calling it quits (this helps because we both value our relationship and the importance of being honest and faithful to one another, we didn't enter marriage with the thought that there is a back door open for the quick escape when troubles come)
3) Family - We both love children (good thing considering we have 5 together) and feel that family comes first (this helps because we both put in a lot of effort into our home and raising our children)
Differences:
1) Viewing preferences - I am totally a lifetime/drama movies junkie. He is totally a SciFi/History channel type of guy. (This causes us to compromise at times on our free time TV viewing moments, however, conflicts can occur over who gets the remote lol)
2) Feelings/Thinking - I am a feelings type person, he is more of a thinking type person. I work often from my heart, he from his head. Emotions sometime rule me while logic often rules him. (This works because it can bring us balance to one another. However, it can cause conflicts because emotion and logic doesn't always result in the same outcome)
3) Stressing over/Rolling off back - I am more of a stressing over a situation type person. He is more of a let it roll off your back type person. In any given disagreement lets say, we deal with it and soon as it's dealt with he is able to move on really quickly, I, however, still need some time to move on from the emotion felt. (This works because it keeps things from lingering on too long, however, it can cause conflict should either of us not understand why a) one is able to just move on or b) one can't understand why it's still bothering you
My fiance and I have similar interests but our upbringings were very different. He was brought up with money, never wanted for anything, always worked but really never wanted for anything.
I was brought up very poor and really appreciate everything. He does as well but he always thinks his stuff is better because it cost more. Not true.
He is tight with money, can be but can also be very generous at times.
He has no clue about empathy or sympathy. I have lost people in my life, buried friends and family and where I feel for people, he has no clue LOL
He isn't good at sticking up for himself, he's "too nice" sometimes which drives me nuts. I'm the complete opposite, I speak my mind and have no problem sticking up for myself (and him).
Where I sympathize with people and empathize, he does not. Where I'm so grateful for the little things, he needs to go big. For all of the differences we have, we compliment each other even those there are those differences.
He's the quiet, shy, kind of reserved but once he warms up he's good to go. I'm hilarious, outgoing etc right out of the gate.
We do have a lot in common in interests though, we are car/ motorcycle/ animal / social / movies / travel ,etc... we have all of those interests the same.
I wouldn't trade him for the world though. It works.
I agree that with the differences we can so often compliment one another. There are some similarities in what you described to my relationship, only some are flipped a bit.
I am more the quiet shy type particularly when it comes for standing up for myself. When a conflict occurs, I tend to be more of the turtle that retreats into the shell, than the lion that roars out in defense. Even if I do tend to speak out, I tend to do so on emotion, rather than thinking/logic, and it doesn't come out the way I would like it to. My husband, on the other hand, is more about speaking out and standing his ground that this is what he believes and his belief won't be changed. Don't get me wrong, I can and am often like that too, I just may not vocalize it the way he does despite me quietly thinking it.
With regards to empathy/sympathy. I tend to look at a person's situation and truly empathize with what they are going through and feeling. I can see how something they went through, were feeling or that has affected them in life led them to where they are now. My husband, on the other hand, tends to be more on the logical/critical thinking side and looks at it more in the sense of if I wouldn't let that affect me, I can't understand why or how it affects you. Not that he won't extend a hand out to someone in need though, because he would. But, he would be more apt to expect the person to get up, dust themselves off and move on, whereas, I would be more apt to expect the person needing a hand to do so without them asking for it.
In some ways I guess it's kind of like he see's things in a lot of black and white context, while I tend to see all the multiple shades of gray in between.
Differences are what make a relationship interesting. The problems arise when the couple cannot accommodate those differences in a mature way.
My wife and I have astonishingly few things in common. Music. Books. Movies. The friends we like. The beer in the refrigerator. White wine vs. Red wine. Mountains vs. beach. Television on vs. television off. The list of things we don't have in common goes on and on.
Yet we agree on the important points: How to express disagreement in a polite and respectful way. How to handle money and responsibilities. Having an agreed-upon plan for living. Having children, and how to raise them. A sense of shared adventure in the bedroom. And, most important of all, an ongoing understanding that we're in a partnership, and that the other is doing his or her level best to make it succeed.
My husband and I once upon a time had a lot more similarities than differences. We still do have a lot in common, but what we don't have in common is starting to cause big conflicts. I've started to change / evolve into a different way of thinking while he is still what he has always been.
We have similar senses of humor, taste in music, taste in movies / tv, ways of thinking for the household and towards family, very similar political views. Points we differ on: personal space / time to oneself, hobbies, how to spend free time, socializing, and sadly.. things in the bedroom.
He can't be independent (do anything without me by his side), and criticizes my own need to be independent. He does not socialize very much, criticizes my own need to socialize outside of our relationship. He doesn't really have defined hobbies for himself, therefore, can't relate to me when I want time for my own hobbies - that he also doesn't share with me. Feels every free moment we have at the same time absolutely needs to be spent together. And, unfortunately, our libidos don't jive. Because so many of these things directly relate to a person's mental well being, we end up fighting more often than not, and we're currently at a stale mate. I won't stand down to how he feels we should be, he won't stand down to what I feel I need.
My husband and I are somewhat different..he is a natural athlete and I am the artsy one. He is very pragmatic while I am more emotionally driven. He teaches the kids to ski and surf while I try to show them the aesthetic beauty of different mediums of art. He will teach them to follow directions to build a kit car and I taught them to make a box camera this summer.
But, the adhesive in our relationship is our love of laughter and our sense of humor. We are both open to new ideas and love to try new things. We have a blast.
We rarely fight. Actually, whenever there is something brewing, we end up laughing.
So, we are right in the middle. It works for us. I always thought it would be boring to be with someone like myself. There would be nothing new to learn and I would have no one to tell they are wrong!!
Hubby and I love all the same things and dislike all the same things. We knew we were meant to be on our first date when he asked me what I like on my pizza and it was exactly the same as him. We like the same music, foods and activites. It works great for us and we never lack in communication..ever.
We have opened each other up to new things along the way as well. I wouldn't change a thing.
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