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My first loves/crushes are all ancient history with me. Each "love" was fine for the person I was back then. But over the years, I kept growing and changing as a person. I have no regrets. I don't wish for any of them to be with me now instead of my boyfriend. And not one of those relationships compares to what I have with my boyfriend now.
I believe that my boyfriend feels the same way about his past romances.
<cut> Usually we romanticize our past and it's reality is far from what we want.
My wife and I are about to celebrate 33 years. We had times where we've needed counseling and help, I've tended to take things for granted at times. Take him to counseling with you or go alone if needed. You need someone professionally trained to guide you.
He will do what he will do. In reality there is only 1 person you can depend on in this world and it is yourself. So you got to make yourself as strong and as good of a person as possible in case he does not wake up and realize where home should be.
I'm rambling so I'll stop now, hope some of this made sense. Best of luck.
Congrats on 33 years and thanks for that story.
I completely agree about how easy it is to romanticize the past, more innocent times when you were relatively free of obligation or bitterness.
My first bf, was my first love - my first everything essentially. I met him through my best friend (his cousin) when I was 17 going on 18 and he was 20. We had a beautiful 3 plus year relationship, that looking back on I can't find anything bad to say about or him. I am truly grateful for the experiences I shared with him, he made those firsts incredibly special. We sort of forced ourselves to stop being together (probably he pushed the idea more than I did) because, we thought we were just too young to have already made this lifetime commitment; so it was all about timing and nothing else.
I ultimately had to stop contact with him because it made life and moving on very difficult (although my friend would always keep me posted of his doings and I'm guessing she would do the same for him). In the meantime, I had moved overseas, met & married my current husband, had a son and later we all moved back to the US. Up until 6 or so years ago, he was still unmarried and still asking his cousin about me.
She once had asked on one of my visits to her place, if I wanted her to arrange an "impromptu" meeting at her house. I knew that meeting him could possibly re-awaken feelings for him, especially during the beginning of a very vulnerable time in my marriage.
My husband and I are still together. We have appeared to cross over many monumental hurdles, have 2 beautiful boys and I can honestly say I wouldn't trade him for my first bf, who today is married and already has 3 or kids, from what I heard.
Sometimes it's better just not to "go there" and I'm thankful that I never did.
I'll always care about my first love but that doesn't mean I want him back, I just wish him the best in his life. When we occasionally run into eachother when I get back to my hometown, we will talk (catch up briefly). I don't think you will ever forget your first love, but I definitely got over mine when I met someone better
My first love and I were broken up in highschool by her mother, because i wouldn't attend their church. Twenty some years later I went through a divorce and my first love heard about it and called me on the phone. She lived in a Southern state at the time thousands of miles away. But she made arrangements to come to my home town, and she figured out a way she could write to me without her husband knowing about it. I was surprised to find out she still cared a great deal for me. She made the statement if her husband died, she would be on my door step before his body was cold. She said they had not been intimate for over tens years. I told her she had a second chance to spend the rest of her life with me, but she declined, it was still about her religion. Eventually I told her I couldn't keep in touch anymore because I was beginning to date again. She cried but held fast to her decision. I saw her at a class reunion three years ago, she was still very friendly. I told her I was happy with my life and with my wife, I haven't heard from her since. She has moved to within 100 miles of my house, however. So, I guess sometimes a first love lasts forever. I wouldn't have thought it, guess it just depends on the person.
I'm over my first love, perhaps because I was so young when I fell in love with him and perhaps because we didn't have sexual intercourse...Looking back I questioned whether or not it was really love or just infactuation, but remembering the strong feelings I've had for him makes me think that it actually WAS love. A first innocent type of love.
He put me ( a young 16 year old) through such emotional turmoil and he really wasn't good for me in any way shape or form, perhaps that's why I'm over him, I don't have the feeling that somehow I could have been better off with him.
After our break-up, he became very religious and threw himself into Judaism fully.
My father now takes care of his grandfather (my father is a home-care attendent) and sees him once in a while. I don't get any butterfly feelings when his name is mentioned whatsoever. He is one ex that I don't keep contact with.
I think that OP's wife is doing damage constantly bringing up the ex-girlfriend. Why give her more attention and make her more of an issue? It doesn't make sense! She is still pretty insecure in the marriage and needs reassurance.
PS: nevermind. This post is older than Jerusalem.
What he is going thru is very powerful. If she tries in any way to stop him from seeing his first love that will only make going that much more of an attraction for him. For him, telling him he can't see her is like cutting off a drug addicts supply cold turkey and will hasten divorce proceedings.
I know what I am suggesting is a little bit like advising someone to stand their ground when a black bear is charging them - it is SO hard to do that! But doing that is the best way to protect yourself from an attack.
She has more control than she realizes right now. She must chose her actions VERY carefully, IF saving her marriage is her ultimate goal. (Granted, for a lot of women the marriage would already be over and they'd be so out of there, but I can respect the fact she wants to try to save what prior to now was a pretty good relationship).
If she is careful to make sure all his choices are of his own making, and not something she is forcing his hand in - he could potentially relax enough to let the emotions all settle down. If she pushes for a divorce now he will just take the path of least resistance and end up with the first love - it's just easier.
I've had 2 first loves that I've felt the need to close the door on in my life. The 1st was one of those high school relationships where she was almost my first sexual experience and we were pretty crazy for each other. She had step mother issues but all of a sudden I was informed she was leaving the state and without closure "Poof" she was gone. I saw her once after that.
A close guy friend for years used to kid me about her fast departure and she was pregnant with my kid and had to leave town. I thought I knew this was not the case but the idea was planted and I always wondered. I eventually tracked her down maybe 15-20 years later and called on the phone. We had a pleasant chat and I asked about her family. Her kids were like 10 & 12 at the time and I was totally relieved. I had to close that door to make sure there was not a little Rakin out in this world I did not know.
The 2nd 1st love was the big one. To this day I think about her, I know where she lives and a lot about her family. She was the one that I was devastated when we split which was caused mainly by her parents believing I was not good enough and at the time I probably was not.
I longed for her for at least 20 or more years but I had also met the woman I was to marry and have 2 wonderful kids. About 10 years into my marriage, I wrote my long lost love a very nice letter but the intent was to reestablish contact to see if was still there for her also. We both had married and we both had 2 kids.
Very luckily for me she did not open that door. I'm not sure what I would have done but we both had great lives and way too much to give up. I reflect back and while I still have something in my heart for her I know it was not ever meant to be. Maybe we will meet again when we're both old and single if that is what is to be.
Thank god my wife has stuck by my side all these years. We've had highs & lows and even recently needed to see a counselor to help us resolve some issues. I say this modestly, the older I get the more women make themselves available.
I needed to close the door on both of these 2 relationships. I have a long term marriage to a good wife, 2 great boys and the cutest granddaughter you've ever seen. If I had tried to reestablish with my true lost love (#2) I realize then and now how much I had too lose.
Hopefully your man will close his door, realize who really loves him and come home where he should be and raise his kids. He will miss out so much if he doesn't. Usually we romanticize our past and it's reality is far from what we want.
My wife and I are about to celebrate 33 years. We had times where we've needed counseling and help, I've tended to take things for granted at times. Take him to counseling with you or go alone if needed. You need someone professionally trained to guide you.
He will do what he will do. In reality there is only 1 person you can depend on in this world and it is yourself. So you got to make yourself as strong and as good of a person as possible in case he does not wake up and realize where home should be.
I'm rambling so I'll stop now, hope some of this made sense. Best of luck.
Kudo's to you my friend! I always love hearing the voice of wisdom from experienced men such as yourself
I'll always care about my first love but that doesn't mean I want him back, I just wish him the best in his life. When we occasionally run into eachother when I get back to my hometown, we will talk (catch up briefly). I don't think you will ever forget your first love, but I definitely got over mine when I met someone better
Exactly!
My first love was AMAZING - truly I wish everyones first love could have been like mine. Eventually we grew up and went our separate ways but we remain very good friends to this day, decades later. I feel very blessed to have such an incredible friendship.
My husband may not have been my first love, but he IS my last
My husband may not have been my first love, but he IS my last
And that is the way it should be. All starter romances lead us to the best and last one. What keeps me in the game is I know she's the one I want to get old with. I semi-joke that I would never marry again, I'm sure there are other great women (like Dr LM) out there but when you're with the one who you see as the last it's hard to imagine being with anyone else.
Back to subject, the fool should get his butt kicked by a brother, father, friend. The man should go home and take care of the woman and kids who love him.
Leaving all that
PS Reneel - Start a new thread next time.
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