"Secret" Bank Account (how to, guys, American, call)

[ESFP]

Originally Posted by mom2justynsarah

...an IRA account, or if your company offers it, participate in their 401K plan.

Gotta get this off first: Neither partner is a "sole provider". Both bring something to the table, money or housekeeping talent. You make money, she spends it differently than you. She cares for the house, you maintain it differently than her (she puts her dishes in the washer, you leave them in the sink). That said... Give your wife a generous allowance. We use $200 per week for everything. My wife buys all food, gas, clothes, and still has plenty to spend on other shopping. She even has built up a comfortable checking account and started saving for our vacation. You see your paycheck as a fixed amount. She'll see her allowance the same way. Unusual expenses, like home repair, are separate and unrelated to this exercise.

[vukinjo]

Originally Posted by GCSTroop

I've been married for going on five years now and my wife and I have a pretty good relationship. I'd say that we're both pretty open and honest with one another and we don't try to hide much. Since we moved last year we've dipped a lot into our savings account (quite reluctantly on my behalf) but on things that we "needed" for the house such as furniture, decorations, etc...

Now, I don't have a problem with this but I'm a little frustrated because my wife seems to focus on what is in our checking account every month and she tends to spend to the amount that is comfortable if nothing arises but uncomfortable if you have to dole out some extra cash in an emergency. I've tried to reason with her and tell her that we need to cut back on spending especially since our savings account has gotten quite diminished over the past year but it seems I have failed in these endeavors.

I am the sole provider and I don't look at it as "my money" but "our money" but I'm also worried that at this rate we will never accumulate any savings. I've been thinking about opening up a secondary savings account known only to me as I feel we could afford to easily save 10% of my pay each payday. Part of me feels bad for doing this but I also feel that it would be best for the both of us if we did do it. I really hate to hide something like this from her but I have pretty much given up on saying anything when she spends because it always ends up in a fight and we don't fight very often. I figure that if 10% is being saved and she is spending to a "comfortable" limit from the checking account than we always have that cushion when we need it. She knows how much is in our checking and savings account right now so she tends to do the math on how much we can spend rather than how much we can save. I'd much prefer to have a secret bank account - not for my own personal spending but for us to save some money for all the reasons you save money for.

I suppose my question is how deep of a hole would I be digging if she were to find out about this secret account say a few months or years down the road? Is it absolutely dishonest and completely wrong of me to do something like this? I just feel like I'm acting in both of our best interests but I also have that tinge of guilt in doing such a thing.

Suggestions?

Have you tried putting extra in the savings right away off the top before other expenses so there is less in the checking for her to spend? Perhaps set some goals together such as bringing the savings back to a certain level, saving for a vacation, etc

[andreaspercheron]

Hmmm....hmm.... well if it were me and I were in your shoes, I'd talk to my spouse first without it escalating to an arguement and then I'd see how things go. I'd set a time frame in my own mind where I would like to see a change by that time.
If she continued her spending habits, I would then open a savings account and not let her know about it.
With our economy downhill right now, I think it's really important that you sock away as much money as possible and of course do something fun now and then but for the most part, you have to save money. I think desperate times call for desperate measures. Just my own thoughts though. I don't think I would be terribly upset if I found out my fiance had a secret account although, we do share everything.

[pitt_transplant]

I wouldnt do it in secret.

I would just make it that (x) goes into savings just like its a bill.
Present it to avoid problems in the future and its a "no thinking" way to have it taken care of.

[MonaLisaVito]

I wouldn't do the secret account. Instead I would be more firm with her about not spending so much money - Tell her NO MORE unnecessary spending.

What's the matter with her

[PeacePlease]

Used to have a similar issue about spending limits. Eventually what worked was to put a budget on paper and to have an item for 'long term savings' type money. We both agreed that it is in our best interest to have the long term savings money and so we opened a special savings account just for this one. We agreed that neither of us can touch it unless we're both in agreement. Some of my paycheck automatically goes to that account every 2 weeks. We also have a normal savings account and this is what we use to buy big ticket items.

Forgot to say, that we also agreed that we don't pay for anything on credit unless it is a 'must' have.

So my recommendation, is to approach this as an agreement and make it part of your budget that you both stick to. Don't assume that she knows it.

[b. frank]

Would it work to set up the account first - and then tell her about it?
You could say that it will be easier for both of you that way because you will have an account set up strictly for saving so neither of you will have to calculate for savings from the "regular" account any longer.
If it turns into a "what - you don't trust me?" kind of argument then you can say, "it's not that I don't trust you but I am tired of trying to look after every dollar, aren't you? This way we can save and spend more confidently."
If she argues that you should, in fact, not be saving as much as you want to, then that is a whole different argument. If that is the case, I would "negotiate" a fair amount of savings and use the account for it. That way, it is her decision as well as yours and you can hold each other to it (i.e. you hold her to her agreement of how much will be saved).

On the other hand, if this whole mess is too complicated - I don't see any problem with just setting up the account and not telling her about it. After all, if she wouldn't notice 10% less in the regular account each month, then there's really no problem. And if she ever did find out, would she really be upset by a savings account full of money? Guess you have to gauge whether any secret would be seen as a betrayal. As the less thrifty member of my marraige, I wouldn't mind at all if my wife was secretly saving our money. In fact, hopefully she is because I know I'm not.

[Bette]

I have been self employed forever and there have been times when we have had to use personal funds for the business. I mean, big issues. Once, in a prior business, we had to get a loan. It had to be secured so we did that. Even though my husband's business was not supporting itself, because he let my business (separate) securitze the loan, that was the deal. Eventually, his business became profitable - took over 10 years and it has just taken so long.

During this time, I could not understand why it was taking so long and I would get upset b/c I felt there must be some secret account. He would get defensive and so forth. At this point in our lives, I was carrying the financial load and taking care of the kids and their care and education. I was fortunate at that time b/c I had a business that had good cash flow and did OK. But, when there were expenses, it was like "we need 10K" and this was over 10 years ago.

I now work out of his office (still a different business) and now I know there was never that. There's just always another expense. It's hard for the little guy out there.

I would say, discuss your feelings with your wife, explain your concerns, maybe watch a couple of segments on Suze Orman's show (Can I afford it?) and something might sink in. Tell her you will monitor the account - start small and then grow it.

I think all of us are trying to get more creative with the spending. For example, I belong to two book clubs. I used to order the books or go to the store. Now, I call the library and have them hold it for me.

I would definitely discuss it with her first. Another idea is to go to a financial planner. Sometimes, a third party can work wonders.

[Ivorytickler]

I wouldn't have a secret bank account. However, as the sole breadwinner, you have the right to say how the money is spent. Not because it's yours because you earn it but rahter because you shoulder the burden of full support of your family and you have to decide how much stress you can handle WRT finances. Obviously, you aren't feeling secure in your current situation or you wouldn't have a secret bank account.

You need to have a sit down with your wife and explain that being the sole bread winner places a burden on your shoulders that you need the authority to manage. If you are tasked with earning the income for your family, it has to be spent in a manner that you are comfortable with. Or rather, saved at a rate you are comfortable with in your case. Unelss she wants to start helping you earn money, she needs to start helping you save it.

I feel your pain. I was the primary bread winner in our family for nearly 18 years and needed to save a considerable amount to asuage my fears about not being able to continue to support our family in the future. My husband was like your wife. I'd say we put less than half into savings we should have during that time and now that I'm out of work, it pains me to know how much more secure we could have been. My husband's spending habits put undue stress on me because it was my burden to make sure we had enough to cover the expenses. Like you, we kept dipping into savings.

I didn't do a secret account. I started a 401K and let him complain about how much I put into it. My only regret is I didn't do that from day one. Don't hide that you save. Just make sure it can't be touched. If she balks, just tell her that you bear the burden of sole support of your family and you need to know there is a nest egg to cover you incase something happens to you in order to feel secure. Period. If she balks, tell her she has the option of getting a job so that you can both save and spend.

I would suggest a budget. One that gives her a certain amount of discretionary money but does away with the habit of just covering what's spent with savings. Enlist the help of a financial planner if you have to but get a budget written. You have to protect your ability to support your family and that means removing undue stress you're feeling. It is not unreasonable to ask your wife to live with a budget. Everyone should have one. (BTW, I lost this war. Never could get my husband to budget. Drives me nuts but he does contirbute to supporting our household too so it's not like he's expecting me to support him but wants to spend how he wants to.)

Good luck

[Ivorytickler]

Originally Posted by ESFP

Gotta get this off first: Neither partner is a "sole provider". Both bring something to the table, money or housekeeping talent. You make money, she spends it differently than you. She cares for the house, you maintain it differently than her (she puts her dishes in the washer, you leave them in the sink). That said... Give your wife a generous allowance. We use $200 per week for everything. My wife buys all food, gas, clothes, and still has plenty to spend on other shopping. She even has built up a comfortable checking account and started saving for our vacation. You see your paycheck as a fixed amount. She'll see her allowance the same way. Unusual expenses, like home repair, are separate and unrelated to this exercise.

I think he meant sole financial provider. My experience is that the kids and the house get cared for regardless of whether one partner or both work. One person bearing the burden of supporting the family is a serious burden to shoulder and the person who bears that burden has to be able to manage the amount of stress they feel. The non working partner doesn't have the right to spend money in a way that increases their working spouses stress. It's enough to shoulder the burden of supporting a household.