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Old 03-07-2009, 04:35 AM
Location: Connecticut
1,461 posts, read 3,478,780 times
Reputation: 1613


Gosh, for a second I thought this was MY husband writing this blog but he doesn't go online like me. My husband is the sole provider for us too right now. I retired early with a tiny pension but for the most part, it is my husband who works and takes care of us. I can hear your frustration with your wifes spending and have heard the same sort of frustration from my husband. Big difference with us is that I always ASK him the condition of the finances, what we have to pay and can I go shopping prior to going. We have a HUGE mortgage so, I would feel guilty if I were to cut into that at all in any way.

Do I think you should start a secret savings...NO. If anything, let your wife know that you are going to start this savings and explain why. The condition of the economy right now is enough of an explanation to keep her from losing it over this account. Do NOT just go and get this account and not tell her. We women tend to let our minds run amuck when our husbands do this sort of thing behind our backs. If you were to do this and she were to find out, her first thought might very well be that you have someone else and that you are saving money to leave with this someone else...I am serious...this is how we think.

She may fight you at first with regard to starting a savings but at least you are telling her then just do it. If you let her know that you are concerned for your future, concerned over the economy and need a safe place for you both to land should the economy tank out any further I think you will be just fine. Good Luck and BE HONEST.
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Old 03-07-2009, 06:15 AM
Location: in my imagination
10,401 posts, read 15,664,372 times
Reputation: 7306
Be the man of the house,take over all funds specially since you are the one making it,give her cash as you see fit.Use seperate credit cards with no link to your credit.
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Old 03-07-2009, 06:33 AM
Location: Whoville....
24,364 posts, read 23,433,499 times
Reputation: 13490
The more I think about it, the more I think you need to just put her on a budget. Tell her that as the sole provider for your family, you need to determine how much is spent and how much is saved for your own peace of mind. Give her a budget to work with and then let her work with it.

I know several guys who don't even tell their wives how much they make. They just give her her household money and handle the rest. It's hard being the sole provider for a family and harder still when your spouse won't work with you on it. You need to do what helpls asuage your fears and reduces your stress so you can continue to support your family. If she doesn't like it, she has the option of getting a job and putting more in the pot to be spent. It's her choice.
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Old 03-13-2009, 12:16 PM
152 posts, read 482,767 times
Reputation: 66
I say open an account that doesn't allow access for a long period of time. Keep contributing to it and let it grow. Neither of you can touch it and she will know about it. It is better than "omitting" the truth.
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Old 03-13-2009, 02:13 PM
38,085 posts, read 27,965,941 times
Reputation: 22176
I'm not a big fan of secret accounts.
A while back though I did throw $20 in a jar each week just to do something *fun* with once in a while. Used the money to surprise my wife with a nice TV\entertainment combo for our bedroom so she could relax upstairs more privately when she needed some extra rest.
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Old 03-13-2009, 02:30 PM
Location: I'm around here someplace :)
3,633 posts, read 3,255,368 times
Reputation: 3980
Originally Posted by GCSTroop View Post
I've been married for going on five years now and my wife and I have a pretty good relationship. I'd say that we're both pretty open and honest with one another and we don't try to hide much. Since we moved last year we've dipped a lot into our savings account (quite reluctantly on my behalf) but on things that we "needed" for the house such as furniture, decorations, etc...

Now, I don't have a problem with this but I'm a little frustrated because my wife seems to focus on what is in our checking account every month and she tends to spend to the amount that is comfortable if nothing arises but uncomfortable if you have to dole out some extra cash in an emergency. I've tried to reason with her and tell her that we need to cut back on spending especially since our savings account has gotten quite diminished over the past year but it seems I have failed in these endeavors.

I am the sole provider and I don't look at it as "my money" but "our money" but I'm also worried that at this rate we will never accumulate any savings. I've been thinking about opening up a secondary savings account known only to me as I feel we could afford to easily save 10% of my pay each payday. Part of me feels bad for doing this but I also feel that it would be best for the both of us if we did do it. I really hate to hide something like this from her but I have pretty much given up on saying anything when she spends because it always ends up in a fight and we don't fight very often. I figure that if 10% is being saved and she is spending to a "comfortable" limit from the checking account than we always have that cushion when we need it. She knows how much is in our checking and savings account right now so she tends to do the math on how much we can spend rather than how much we can save. I'd much prefer to have a secret bank account - not for my own personal spending but for us to save some money for all the reasons you save money for.

I suppose my question is how deep of a hole would I be digging if she were to find out about this secret account say a few months or years down the road? Is it absolutely dishonest and completely wrong of me to do something like this? I just feel like I'm acting in both of our best interests but I also have that tinge of guilt in doing such a thing.

frankly, I believe you have a valid point.
while I think it is "dishonest," and I don't think it should be necessary, in some cases it is necessary-- you're not only thinking of your present-day life, you're thinking about the future as well. if a frank discussion about being responsible with money doesn't do any good, I think the option you've chosen is in the best interest of your family.
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Old 03-13-2009, 03:07 PM
Location: Charlotte. Or Detroit.
1,454 posts, read 2,989,803 times
Reputation: 3230
I think opening another account is a fine idea -- I just don't get the "secret" part. Just tell her you're doing it, and why you're doing it, and if she doesn't have a better suggestion, do it. But in my opinion doing it in secret is a bad idea.
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