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Old 08-06-2008, 12:13 PM
 
Location: Wu Dang Mountain
12,890 posts, read 11,785,294 times
Reputation: 8389
I think that, as a friend, you should do your job of talking to her as you have, as effectively and heart-felt as possible.

Then step back and let her go.

If you feel you have to be there to pick up the pieces, by all means hang out in the wings. But let me also say that being in the wings is sometimes more painful than just leaving the theater...

BTW - with all due respect...my spider-sense tells me that, deep inside, you want to be more than friends...
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Old 08-06-2008, 12:23 PM
miu
 
Location: MA/NH
12,673 posts, read 20,663,592 times
Reputation: 9762
I think that the more you urge her to exercise caution, the more willful she will be. And possibly should this relationship be a mistake, the longer she will struggle to keep it going in order to try to prove you wrong. You've told her your opinion, now let her be. You haven't even met this guy yet and he could actually be an okay guy.

Also, should the relationship fall apart in a big way, your friendship will be strained because she knows you will be thinking "I told you so" even if you don't verbalize it. So now, just wish her good luck. Let her family and her ex continue to warn her about what she is doing.
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Old 08-06-2008, 12:41 PM
 
Location: Columbia Maryland
333 posts, read 675,662 times
Reputation: 111
Quote:
Originally Posted by SifuPhil View Post
BTW - with all due respect...my spider-sense tells me that, deep inside, you want to be more than friends...
That's a yes and a no.

Part of me wants to, but part of me says, "no-way." The last time ignored the warning signs(my spider-sense was tingling but I ignored it) I got married and am now divorced. I'm not going to repeat that mistake.

So yes, as much as I like her, I not going to cross that line.

There is a world full of possibilities for me out there....
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Old 08-06-2008, 12:45 PM
 
Location: Columbia Maryland
333 posts, read 675,662 times
Reputation: 111
Quote:
Originally Posted by miu View Post
I think that the more you urge her to exercise caution, the more willful she will be. And possibly should this relationship be a mistake, the longer she will struggle to keep it going in order to try to prove you wrong. You've told her your opinion, now let her be. You haven't even met this guy yet and he could actually be an okay guy.
Valid points all. He might be cool. I don't know yet. Like I said in a previous post, I'm sure to meet him soon enough.

And your right, I want keep the lines of communication open.

Quote:
Originally Posted by miu View Post
Also, should the relationship fall apart in a big way, your friendship will be strained because she knows you will be thinking "I told you so" even if you don't verbalize it. So now, just wish her good luck. Let her family and her ex continue to warn her about what she is doing.
Well, if we are truly good friends we will be able to survive this. If not, "Oh Well". Only time will tell.

At the end of the day I want her to be happy, safe and secure - with or without me.
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Old 08-06-2008, 12:47 PM
 
Location: Columbia Maryland
333 posts, read 675,662 times
Reputation: 111
Quote:
Originally Posted by miu View Post
BTW how come you didn't try to date this woman? Didn't you say that you were attracted to Asians and Latinos?
Actually, its interesting that you connected the dots on that one!

Well done!

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Old 08-06-2008, 12:54 PM
 
Location: Wu Dang Mountain
12,890 posts, read 11,785,294 times
Reputation: 8389
Quote:
Originally Posted by ajs5mz2 View Post
That's a yes and a no.

Part of me wants to, but part of me says, "no-way." The last time ignored the warning signs(my spider-sense was tingling but I ignored it) I got married and am now divorced. I'm not going to repeat that mistake.

So yes, as much as I like her, I not going to cross that line.

There is a world full of possibilities for me out there....
Understood.

Good luck!
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Old 08-06-2008, 01:06 PM
 
Location: connecticut
64 posts, read 95,499 times
Reputation: 19
Quote:
Originally Posted by ajs5mz2 View Post
I have a friend that met a guy online around July 22nd or 23rd of this year. They met, or were introduced, in some online poetry group. The guy sent her a poem that blew her mind - apparently it was very similar to something she had written but never published a few years ago.

By the week of July 30th (7 days) the guy was planning to come to town to visit. He came to town just this past weekend, spent two days here and now they are talking about him moving here. She is encouraging him, sending is resume to various employers in the area.

From what my friend tells me they did "hook up" during this visit.

She has shared with me some of their correspondence and asked my option.

Personally I think they are moving way too fast. As I write this, they are talking about spending the rest of their lives together, moving in, and raising her son.

The fact that she says she trust this guy around her 4 year old son scares me. They have only known each other for 3 weeks and only spent one weekend together. The has no kids, hence no experience with toddlers.

Is it just me, or do you think that there should be more time spent "getting to know" the person before making these life altering commitments?

It seems to me that the are moving way to fast! What's the rush?

Everyone around her it telling her to take her time but she is not listening.

Opinions?
If she didn't have a kid then it would be a whole different thing, but she really should slow down and take the time to get to know this guy for the sake of her son. JMHO
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Old 08-06-2008, 01:55 PM
 
Location: Columbia Maryland
333 posts, read 675,662 times
Reputation: 111
Quote:
Originally Posted by sweetmichelle28CT View Post
If she didn't have a kid then it would be a whole different thing, but she really should slow down and take the time to get to know this guy for the sake of her son. JMHO
Agreed!
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Old 08-06-2008, 07:23 PM
 
Location: Tucson
42,852 posts, read 50,932,669 times
Reputation: 22711
Quote:
Originally Posted by ajs5mz2 View Post
Not sure what you mean by time is not your friend. Please explain.
OK, didn't have time in the morning. What I meant by "time is not your friend" is that some people are aware on some level of their character flaws, know their relationship history, and are pretty certain that should their true colors unfold before somebody's eyes over a longer period of time, the results are not going to be positive...

Now, back on that case. Been there, done that, got the divorce decree... Believe me she's not gonna listen to you or to anybody for that matter. Once the dopamine and the serotonin take over, that's it! You mentioned the poem he wrote and hit too close to home for her - she thinks she found her soulmate, the love of her life, and nothing and nobody can convince her otherwise! Somebody tried to warn me, too. Coincidentally, he also happened to be a guy who had a big and long crush on me. Guess how credible I thought he was... Of course, even now I don't believe his motives were exactly pure and unbiased. He happened to be right, but it's not like the events necessarily had to end up the way they did. Perhaps I did look like some kind of a delirious idiot because he felt the need to say only a week before my wedding that I still have time to think.

A couple of my long-distance girlfriends also attempted to step on my brakes, but nothing could stop this train... Hey, my parents knew they couldn't influence me in any way... how could others... Speaking of parents, you might wonder what they thought. Well, they couldn't think anything at all because both of them passed away a little over two months prior to that. This brings my next point. Whirlwind romances like this happen very often to people at vulnerable times of their lives. I was in total denial. As a matter of fact, I even had plans to cut all my connections with relatives, never go back to my home country, and pretend they're alive and well. Sooo, at this wrongest of wrong times I decided to actively look for substitute love, aka trouble. I've never had problems finding it... Perhaps this woman also is vulnerable in some way. Vulnerability must have a very distinctive smell and it's like waving a red cape in front of a bull.

Also, long-distance relationships tend to create a certain sense of urgency. You found somebody soooo wonderful and you don't wanna lose him/her. They're also frustrating, time-consuming, exhausting, inconvenient, and expensive. These are all good reasons leading to hasty and premature decisions.

To wrap the novel, I'm still not saying that some percentage of the outcomes cannot be positive. We've read some fairy tales of this nature shared here, too. I'm also not saying the person has to be necessarily a serial killer. Had my ex and I played our cards better and been less frustrated by this whole process of making it happen and been too tired at the end when it did happen (because we lacked the foundation of having easier times before putting all this stress on ourselves), we could've been still together... It's just that the chances of a successful relationship are lower... but not non-existent...

You might wanna read the articles below, but don't hold your breath about hoping to change this girl's direction. As we've discussed numerous times on this forum, you can't change a person. Everybody wants his/her own "learning experience" and wants to prove other people wrong. We all think we're soooo "special" and the bitter experience of others can't possibly apply to us.

'The Loser' Warning Signs You're Dating a Loser (http://www.enotalone.com/article/4112.html - broken link)

You Think That You Are So Special... Heartless ******* International
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Old 08-06-2008, 08:01 PM
 
Location: in my house
1,385 posts, read 1,901,767 times
Reputation: 516
Moving very fast is not good.

I knew a woman who moved a man in with her after only knowing him for 3 weeks. She had an 18 year old daughter and a 9 year old daughter, whom both only met him once and barely said 5 words to him.
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