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From what I see, he's losing control of everything else so why not keep control of what's right in front of him. I see what you are saying though that he's being a jerk by not handling other business (because I think he's trying but he's not trying effectively) and that then he's coming home and acting like the king there. Tough place.
Would marriage counseling work? Maybe, short term you may see results but then again,he's always going to have the ex g/f, always going to have that kid they share and your two. Sounds like he's trying but doing a poor job of it. Sounds like he wants to do the right thing but is going about it in the wrong way and being angry with the wrong person.
Maybe your no peach to live with either, who knows but I always say, if you have done all that you can, communicated well enough, tried all the tricks and if you are still not happy then leave. At this point, you now have two kids with this man, he's obviously not the most responsible cat on the block as he had another girl knocked up about the time he was with you.
So, do you want to raise your kids around this? Time to ask yourself some tough questions and start taking control of your life.
wtf you married a guy who had a kid around the time you were married
so either he cheated on you or you knew him for less than nine months before you got married
brilliant
Hmmm, seriously this may be hard to see, but it APPEARS that the guy has his heart in the right place but is poor at expressing and explaining himself.
Not sure if that's a deal-breaker or not really.... As a man the part that bugs me is that it seems he's unwilling to listen to you and have a conversation. Marriages like this either break down over time or last forever with the woman in partial misery from what I can tell because the man has some sort of "plan" but refuses to let his wife in on what that plan IS...
He's forgotten the "partnership" aspect of marriage... Obviously the guy is stressed but try reminding him that you are on his side through all of this and him verbally beating on you isn't helpful...
Instead of threatening divorce or discussing going to marriage counseling try explaining this to him: That you are trying to be supportive but need to be let "in" as to what is going on. Are you tight on money??? Or is he saving a bunch of money so you all will have a comfortable retirement or something???
Bottom line is it seems like he's stressed and trying to balance out a LOT of ***** at the moment..... If you haven't already do your DAMNDEST to get on the same page with him...... His plans aren't diabolical and evil I'm guessing. I'll bet he's looking out for you all and trying to provide but him shutting you out in the process isn't the right way to go..
Good luck...
actually financially we are doing fine. he is the type of person that thinks he is broke if he doesnt have a couple hundred in his pocket at all times. plus his parents spend money like its nothing and are usually over drawn at the bank by the second week of the month. i realize he has been around irresponsible people his whole life! we live on a strict budget and if something comes up and i need extra money he freaks out. he has a fireproof box he calls " the safe" and he always has extra cash in there only i wouldnt know how much because i dont have keys to it. he claims he is saving or a harley but he has 3 kids and unless they make child safe seats on the harley i will be damned if he is getting it.
He sounds horribly stressed, maybe feels as if he's in it alone, trying to manage custody (out of his control) money (five mouths to feed and a recession) the job, the boss, the kids, the bills... maybe the safe is a version of wanting something his alone -?
Is it possible to hire a sitter and take him off for a weekend in the country? No "talking it out" or talking at all, just sitting outside in the quiet can do wonders. Just be near him when he needs you to be, feed him, hug him and be sure he knows you're there for him - but he needs time alone too. (As do you!)
It's easy for me to give these directions because I didnt do them and now wish I had
actually financially we are doing fine. he is the type of person that thinks he is broke if he doesnt have a couple hundred in his pocket at all times. plus his parents spend money like its nothing and are usually over drawn at the bank by the second week of the month. i realize he has been around irresponsible people his whole life! we live on a strict budget and if something comes up and i need extra money he freaks out. he has a fireproof box he calls " the safe" and he always has extra cash in there only i wouldnt know how much because i dont have keys to it. he claims he is saving or a harley but he has 3 kids and unless they make child safe seats on the harley i will be damned if he is getting it.
He sounds like my hubby with the money thing.....mine is the same way as far as being overly responsible with the budget.....sometimes a girl just needs another pair of shoes dang it!!!
Anyway~ In my honest opinion, and I could be wrong, it sounds like there so a lot more going on than just the money issue.....Dr. Phill said (go ahead and make fun of me) that if you fight about everything your fighting about nothing".....at that point you know it might be so much deeper than the issues you are arguing about.......I would tell him what you told us and tell him your at your wits end and if things don't change then you might have to.....That's just what I would do. Best of luck to you!!!
wtf you married a guy who had a kid around the time you were married
so either he cheated on you or you knew him for less than nine months before you got married
brilliant
well actually we dated and split up and while we were split up he knocked up his FWB. i didnt know anything about it until after we got married since she lives in another city. when he and i talked about it he swore to me that she wasnt really pregnant and that she was just trying to start some crap. i asked her for proof and she said she didnt have to prove ***** to me and i assumed that was the end of it. two months later she had the baby. dh had a dna test and he is the lucky daddy!
what can i do about it now though. i love the kid he is a part of my husband and my childrens brother.
He sounds horribly stressed, maybe feels as if he's in it alone, trying to manage custody (out of his control) money (five mouths to feed and a recession) the job, the boss, the kids, the wife, the bills...
Is it possible to hire a sitter and take him off for a weekend in the country? No "talking it out" or talking at all, just sitting outside in the quiet can do wonders. Just be near him, feed him, hug him and be sure he knows you're there for him.
It's easy for me to give these directions because I didnt do them and now wish I had
I agree about the vacation Idea......might be good for you as the jumpstart to fixing things.... he probably is stressed but I don't think that is any excuse at all......some of his issues are way out of your controll too and not even caused by you therefore....there's no reason why they should be affecting your marriage in any way.
actually financially we are doing fine. he is the type of person that thinks he is broke if he doesnt have a couple hundred in his pocket at all times.
I dunno, I think that is a really smart way to live.
IMO, if you stay at home the deal would be that you take care of the kids, and he provides the paycheck. If either of you can't deliver, then the options are:
1. Try to work it out either between each other or using 3rd party help
2. The stay at home parent gets a job and a paycheck
3. Separate
I think the separation is an extreme and last resort. That is why I think you should get a job. This way you will have your own money and you can help out if needed. You cannot force him to change, just like he cannot force you to change. Change takes time.
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