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Old 08-08-2008, 09:54 PM
 
Location: Tennessee
15,342 posts, read 14,063,939 times
Reputation: 21635
Ok. My husband said this:
Women back then knew their role, take care of their man, and all of his needs...now days, they want to be mans equals, when they should be subserviant.

lol.....I don`t know about that comment, but I can say that times have changed from 50 years ago when a couple married, than what it is today. ;-)

Last edited by yankeegirl313; 08-08-2008 at 10:10 PM..
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Old 08-09-2008, 12:05 PM
 
148 posts, read 588,846 times
Reputation: 87
Quote:
Originally Posted by mari4him View Post
That I believe is one of the biggest problems. A lot of people today do see marriage as a contract with all it's little fine print and benefits, but also with all the little loop holes that it can have.

I don't believe marriage is archaic, I just think people are a lot less committed these days. Marriage didn't used to be viewed as a contract but more like a covenant (promise) between the two entering into it. Along with that came a sense of commitment to holding on to that promise.

People also didn't rush into marriage or base it solely on emotion. Viewing it as a lifelong commitment, they were a little more careful in choosing their partner. Parental influence was often involved to a certain extent depending on how far back you go.

Nowadays, because they see the loophole; because unlike the years and years ago, at the start of the relationship getting serious and heading in the direction of marriage, there is a sometimes subconcious notion that if it doesn't work out it's okay we can just get a divorce, I think a lot of people simply don't take the decision as seriously or give it as deep consideration. Often times they go on feelings and sadly that is how they live out their marriage too, based on feelings.

The older generation, I believe, understood that love was more than just a feeling, as was/is commitment. Getting married was a decision they made. Sticking it out through good times, bad times, easy times and hard times was equally a decision that was made.

In my opinion, marriage is not something that can rely solely on feelings. Afterall, anytime two people get together, there are going to be times when all the good feelings are there. Love, joy, satisfaction, excitement, etc. There are also going to be times when you simply don't feel those feelings because life happens, things happen, problems sometimes manifest and you have to find ways to get past the hurdles together. I think the older generations had a better grasp on that truth than what we see today.

I come from a very large family where long marriages are very much the common thing. Divorces are not common, not saying some have not occured, but they are not the common. Therefore, at a very early age there were things that I learned about marriage. About the commitment that it is and about how it should be entered into. I know, for example, that there are going to be days that I simply may not "like" my husband, or days when I am not "feeling" the love. However, I also know that loving my husband is a choice that I make and a choice that I make daily at that. I love him despite his flaws, I love him through mistakes, I choose to love him in good times (which comes easy), I choose to love him in hard times (which comes harder).

The morning after my husband and I got married we went out to breakfast and of course our car was all decked up with the "Just Married" signs everywhere. People at the restaraunt seemingly put together we were that couple. We had people coming up to us saying congratulations, a waitress bringing us a decorated breakfast cookie, the works. It was amazing. Then our waitress came and told us that another couple paid our breakfast and told her to tell us that they wish us 37 years of happiness as they have had.

Well we figured out the table that did it and as they were leaving we told them thank you. She gave a word of advice.. she said when things get tough and they will, just take a deep breath and just keep on going. I think that is the difference. It's not when things get tough pack up and go get an attorney, file for divorce and move on. No, it's take a deep breath and keep on going, together, working it through.

Of course that takes two commited people, and that is what I think is missing in a lot of marriages today. Too many see divorce as such an easy option, some even see it as a first response to tough situations, when in fact it should be as a last resort and under very specific circumstances only. Somethings in a marriage, yes you absolutely cannot overlook and sometimes divorce is the only option. However, most things, and a lot of things that people get divorced over nowadays, simply are not solid enough reasons that could not have been worked through or overcome had the couple stuck it out a bit longer.

Things like.. we just fell out of love.. well two people that really want to make the marriage work can find ways to fall in love again. It takes effort, yes. But that is what marriage is about, both putting forth the effort to make it work.

I'm 38 and my husband is 41, so who know's if we will have 50+ years under our belt with our marriage. What I do know is that we are both in it for the long haul and neither of us see's divorce as an option. We are committed to working through any and all difficulties and staying together. There is only, I believe, two deal breakers in our relationship and that is infidelity and physical abuse. Something we both discussed very early on, in great depth, prior to committing to marriage. Everything else, we believe can be worked out so long as we both continue to remain devoted to our marriage and each other and our decision to stick it out come what may.
Words of wisdom from a great poster. We need more of you around here.
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Old 06-28-2009, 05:52 PM
 
Location: Jacksonville, FL (Northside)
2,908 posts, read 3,531,238 times
Reputation: 2700
Quote:
Originally Posted by mari4him View Post
That I believe is one of the biggest problems. A lot of people today do see marriage as a contract with all it's little fine print and benefits, but also with all the little loop holes that it can have.

I don't believe marriage is archaic, I just think people are a lot less committed these days. Marriage didn't used to be viewed as a contract but more like a covenant (promise) between the two entering into it. Along with that came a sense of commitment to holding on to that promise.

People also didn't rush into marriage or base it solely on emotion. Viewing it as a lifelong commitment, they were a little more careful in choosing their partner. Parental influence was often involved to a certain extent depending on how far back you go.

Nowadays, because they see the loophole; because unlike the years and years ago, at the start of the relationship getting serious and heading in the direction of marriage, there is a sometimes subconcious notion that if it doesn't work out it's okay we can just get a divorce, I think a lot of people simply don't take the decision as seriously or give it as deep consideration. Often times they go on feelings and sadly that is how they live out their marriage too, based on feelings.

The older generation, I believe, understood that love was more than just a feeling, as was/is commitment. Getting married was a decision they made. Sticking it out through good times, bad times, easy times and hard times was equally a decision that was made.

In my opinion, marriage is not something that can rely solely on feelings. Afterall, anytime two people get together, there are going to be times when all the good feelings are there. Love, joy, satisfaction, excitement, etc. There are also going to be times when you simply don't feel those feelings because life happens, things happen, problems sometimes manifest and you have to find ways to get past the hurdles together. I think the older generations had a better grasp on that truth than what we see today.

I come from a very large family where long marriages are very much the common thing. Divorces are not common, not saying some have not occured, but they are not the common. Therefore, at a very early age there were things that I learned about marriage. About the commitment that it is and about how it should be entered into. I know, for example, that there are going to be days that I simply may not "like" my husband, or days when I am not "feeling" the love. However, I also know that loving my husband is a choice that I make and a choice that I make daily at that. I love him despite his flaws, I love him through mistakes, I choose to love him in good times (which comes easy), I choose to love him in hard times (which comes harder).

The morning after my husband and I got married we went out to breakfast and of course our car was all decked up with the "Just Married" signs everywhere. People at the restaraunt seemingly put together we were that couple. We had people coming up to us saying congratulations, a waitress bringing us a decorated breakfast cookie, the works. It was amazing. Then our waitress came and told us that another couple paid our breakfast and told her to tell us that they wish us 37 years of happiness as they have had.

Well we figured out the table that did it and as they were leaving we told them thank you. She gave a word of advice.. she said when things get tough and they will, just take a deep breath and just keep on going. I think that is the difference. It's not when things get tough pack up and go get an attorney, file for divorce and move on. No, it's take a deep breath and keep on going, together, working it through.

Of course that takes two commited people, and that is what I think is missing in a lot of marriages today. Too many see divorce as such an easy option, some even see it as a first response to tough situations, when in fact it should be as a last resort and under very specific circumstances only. Somethings in a marriage, yes you absolutely cannot overlook and sometimes divorce is the only option. However, most things, and a lot of things that people get divorced over nowadays, simply are not solid enough reasons that could not have been worked through or overcome had the couple stuck it out a bit longer.

Things like.. we just fell out of love.. well two people that really want to make the marriage work can find ways to fall in love again. It takes effort, yes. But that is what marriage is about, both putting forth the effort to make it work.

I'm 38 and my husband is 41, so who know's if we will have 50+ years under our belt with our marriage. What I do know is that we are both in it for the long haul and neither of us see's divorce as an option. We are committed to working through any and all difficulties and staying together. There is only, I believe, two deal breakers in our relationship and that is infidelity and physical abuse. Something we both discussed very early on, in great depth, prior to committing to marriage. Everything else, we believe can be worked out so long as we both continue to remain devoted to our marriage and each other and our decision to stick it out come what may.
Excellent, A+ post. I'd also like to comment that today's generation is a LOT less tolerant of foolishness from their mate and in a way, who can blame them? There's so much crap one can take from their s/o that they get tired and call it quits. It's understandable because no one wants to be with someone they find intolerable. Period. When I get in a relationship, I'll tell my woman off-top that I'll give her my goodness and she'll give me the same in return but THE MINUTE, the minute she acts stupid, I'm gone. I'm not putting up with her BITCHASSNESS, an epidemic that's ruining society as we speak.
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Old 06-28-2009, 06:50 PM
 
Location: Houston, texas
10,150 posts, read 3,719,403 times
Reputation: 8311
This is tongue in cheek. Talked to a gentleman who happened to be a retired judge who had been married 64 years. He said the key to his long marrage was that being a judge he did all the talking at work. He said when he got home to his wife he kept his mouth shut. I am not one to offer advice on this subject being a bachalor but i do feel guilty having cheated some woman out of a divorce lol
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Old 06-28-2009, 06:59 PM
 
Location: So Cal
23,891 posts, read 17,647,992 times
Reputation: 22482
Quote:
Originally Posted by yankeegirl313 View Post
I work in home health care, and I meet these older married couples.
I`ll ask them how many years they have been married. Today, the couple told me 64 years!!
I think thats awesome. It brings a tear to my eye to think what all they have been through together, for that long.
First of all, kudos to you for working with the elderly. I have a new respect for people who do that, especially after watching my Mom die of cancer. Good job, I mean that.


It is cool to see some of those old couples. They are really cute.
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Old 06-28-2009, 07:18 PM
 
Location: Baltimore, MD
3,768 posts, read 3,854,138 times
Reputation: 4735
Quote:
Originally Posted by LoveBoating View Post
So, why do so many young couples choose to "live together" for years today? Are they so full of "fear of marriage" from seeing/hearing about divorces of family/friends that the word "marriage" is bad? I'm married and I love it, so does my wife. But, I read on CD and other websites about couplees (boyfriends/girlfriends) moving from one State to another......living together. I wonder what these couples of 50+ years of marriage think of that???
It's just such a HUGE commitment, I'm engaged with a wedding date only 4 months away and the idea of spending 50 years with someone feels like....woooooo.....I dunno! A looooooooooog time!

Kidding. Kinda
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Old 06-28-2009, 10:59 PM
 
2,141 posts, read 5,251,913 times
Reputation: 1151
With people know living longer than ever, our society should be filled with many of us being married 50+ years. Sadly, many people have unrealistic expectations of marriage and are too self serving.
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Old 06-28-2009, 11:16 PM
 
1,464 posts, read 1,565,920 times
Reputation: 1091
Quote:
Originally Posted by LoveBoating View Post
So, why do so many young couples choose to "live together" for years today? Are they so full of "fear of marriage" from seeing/hearing about divorces of family/friends that the word "marriage" is bad? I'm married and I love it, so does my wife. But, I read on CD and other websites about couplees (boyfriends/girlfriends) moving from one State to another......living together. I wonder what these couples of 50+ years of marriage think of that???

because marriage is heavily favorable for a woman and break even at best for a man
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Old 06-28-2009, 11:23 PM
 
3,843 posts, read 8,025,407 times
Reputation: 2424
Quote:
Originally Posted by yankeegirl313 View Post
I work in home health care, and I meet these older married couples.
I`ll ask them how many years they have been married. Today, the couple told me 64 years!!
I think thats awesome. It brings a tear to my eye to think what all they have been through together, for that long.
yea but they got married before feminism existed. So the man actually married a woman who has sex with him, doesn't mouth off, cooks, cleans and does all the other wifely duties. These days, women don't do that anymore. Unless of course you marry someone from the 3rd world or someone who isn't pushing a feminist agenda. Lets face it, when it comes to marriage the traditional roles apply for the vast majority of marriages.

Oh yea and don't think that just because they've been married for a long time that the marriage has been working out. Everyone just assumes that if they have been married for awhile then they are happy together. From my experience most married people put up a great show about how happy they are together but behind the scenes it is a way different story. For example, my parents have been married 20+ years and my mom HATES my dad. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if my mom killed my dad to be honest. That is how much she hates him.

Quote:
because marriage is heavily favorable for a woman and break even at best for a man
Very true and this shows up in the statistics by the fact that women file for ~75% of the divorces while men only file for ~25% of the divorces.

Quote:
Women back then knew their role, take care of their man, and all of his needs...now days, they want to be mans equals, when they should be subserviant.

lol.....I don`t know about that comment, but I can say that times have changed from 50 years ago when a couple married, than what it is today. ;-)
If you can't be subservient to a man, you shouldn't get married. Just my two cents. Also I wouldn't consider it subservient as being a bad thing because any man worth marrying will factor in your wishes and opinions heavily. Likewise, the man will be doing his husbandly duty of bringing home the bacon.

Last edited by killer2021; 06-28-2009 at 11:37 PM..
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Old 06-28-2009, 11:47 PM
 
4,838 posts, read 4,953,396 times
Reputation: 2893
Default In 30 Years...........

Quote:
Originally Posted by Chinolala View Post
With people know living longer than ever, our society should be filled with many of us being married 50+ years. Sadly, many people have unrealistic expectations of marriage and are too self serving.
...........I expect this to be very rare. However, those who beat the odds will likely be guys with reasonably good personal attributes, who can "just be themselves" to the woman they marry and women who are smart enough to realize that this is positive, not negative. Nobody is perfect, but honesty is a good foundation for a relationship.
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