Are you glad you got Divorced? (marriage, girl, love, single)

[ntfeldman]

Can I ask the audience?

I'm in a too good to leave to bad to stay relationship - I think. I keep finding myself in the same place year after year, month after month wondering when things are going to change - how do I know if divorce is the right choice? We're a family so It's not a decision that affects only me, I have four beautiful daughter's to consider (one of them is his from a prior marriage).

I'll stay married to DH if it's better for them but I know this too comes at a price. There's fighting but - I manage it reasonably well around the kids - but you know they know. They don't see a lot of love, they see tolerance.

There's no substance abuse of any kind. He's just basically lazy, negative, verbally cruel to me and we have no shared interests. I am not interested in anyone else, I have "no where to go".

I would like to hear from anyone who's been divorced, Why did you choose to get a divorce? What was the straw that broke the camels back? How did you feel about the decision 5 months after the fact and then 5 years later. If you have children I would like to know how your children managed the new situation and where are they now?

Every time I watch that show Intervention I decide that I should stay - because I'm concerned that if we get divorced, his girl friend(s) - and I'm sure there would be one - will get to parent my children when they are with him (he's lazy remember) and that the volume will get turned way up on the kids with confusing behavior modeling. The devil you know is sometimes better than the devil you don't...

I've never been divorced, just single with no kids and married - so I don't know what I don't know. I know his ex was very difficult to deal with initially but she's not in the picture much any more and his DD turns 18 next month so there won't be many residual issues to contend with legally regarding her.

Looming deadline note - we'll be married 10 years in Nov. and I am the primary breadwinner (he's lazy remember). I do not want to support this man on alimony. I've tried and tried and tried to get him to earn a living and he just won't. I was told by someone - and I don't know if they are knowledgeable on the subject or not - that there's a 10 year mark on marriage and alimony. That may be my camel's straw.

Please share your experience with me so I can think this over. Thanks.

p.s. I'll be out of town for a few days so if you post or PM and I don't get back with you that's why.

[SanAntoQT]

Originally Posted by ntfeldman

Can I ask the audience?

I'm in a too good to leave to bad to stay relationship - I think. I keep finding myself in the same place year after year, month after month wondering when things are going to change - how do I know if divorce is the right choice? We're a family so It's not a decision that affects only me, I have four beautiful daughter's to consider (one of them is his from a prior marriage).

I'll stay married to DH if it's better for them but I know this too comes at a price. There's fighting but - I manage it reasonably well around the kids - but you know they know. They don't see a lot of love, they see tolerance.

There's no substance abuse of any kind. He's just basically lazy, negative, verbally cruel to me and we have no shared interests. I am not interested in anyone else, I have "no where to go".

I would like to hear from anyone who's been divorced, Why did you choose to get a divorce? What was the straw that broke the camels back? How did you feel about the decision 5 months after the fact and then 5 years later. If you have children I would like to know how your children managed the new situation and where are they now?

Every time I watch that show Intervention I decide that I should stay - because I'm concerned that if we get divorced, his girl friend(s) - and I'm sure there would be one - will get to parent my children when they are with him (he's lazy remember) and that the volume will get turned way up on the kids with confusing behavior modeling. The devil you know is sometimes better than the devil you don't...

I've never been divorced, just single with no kids and married - so I don't know what I don't know. I know his ex was very difficult to deal with initially but she's not in the picture much any more and his DD turns 18 next month so there won't be many residual issues to contend with legally regarding her.

Looming deadline note - we'll be married 10 years in Nov. and I am the primary breadwinner (he's lazy remember). I do not want to support this man on alimony. I've tried and tried and tried to get him to earn a living and he just won't. I was told by someone - and I don't know if they are knowledgeable on the subject or not - that there's a 10 year mark on marriage and alimony. That may be my camel's straw.

Please share your experience with me so I can think this over. Thanks.

p.s. I'll be out of town for a few days so if you post or PM and I don't get back with you that's why.

When I got divorced, it was because of physical abuse. I didn't want to get divorced, I had to. I cannot say that my kids made it out unscathed because they're human. Of course it had an effect on them. However, staying would have made a more negative impact because I would've ended up killing the s.o.b.! I think everyone has a different level of tolerance of how badly they can be treated before they break. Only you can determine your limits.

As for alimony, is Florida even an alimony state?

[2mares]

Check with your state on the alimony. Where I am there is a 10 yr. mark.
My first marriage, yes I was glad the marriage ended. He was an alcoholic and abusive. I had 2 young kids. He committed suicide before the divorce was final. It was difficult on my oldest, but I still believe it would have been worse it we had stayed married.

I am so looking forward to the end of this my second marriage, stbx filed in April. No kids which does make a big difference.

Sign up with the Yahoo group dealing with divorce. There are lots of nice folks there that can give advice or just an ear to rant into. It helped me when my marriage was going really sour.

[ntfeldman]

Thanks for the feedback. I appreciate the time you took to reply.

Florida is an alimony state.

I'll look into the Yahoo group, thank you for the resource.

[MWJamesLDS]

Have you tried Counseling? Lazy is such a subjective term. Does he work 40-50 hours a week and come home and turn on the tube? Does he refuse to work, expect you to work full time and support him then come home and do the laundry? Does only mow the lawn once a month? It sounds like you may be harboring some resentment, as he may also be doing. Counseling could help you bring your issues to the table and give you both a chance to work on making things better. Does he even know how you feel? Considering there is no abuse, just a bad disconnect, it could help. It sounds like you and your family could have a lot to loose with a divorce and a lot to gain by at least trying to work things out, A counselor at the very least provides a mediator, helping each of you to see the others point of view, vs just your own.

PS. If you don't love him anymore and its a loveless marriage for sure; that is something that your can express in counseling as a safe place. He, you and your children deserve to be in loving relationship whether marital or parental.

[artsyguy]

That is so tragic. Was there something wrong with him besides alcoholism?

Originally Posted by 2mares

Check with your state on the alimony. Where I am there is a 10 yr. mark.
My first marriage, yes I was glad the marriage ended. He was an alcoholic and abusive. I had 2 young kids. He committed suicide before the divorce was final. It was difficult on my oldest, but I still believe it would have been worse it we had stayed married.

I am so looking forward to the end of this my second marriage, stbx filed in April. No kids which does make a big difference.

Sign up with the Yahoo group dealing with divorce. There are lots of nice folks there that can give advice or just an ear to rant into. It helped me when my marriage was going really sour.

[artsyguy]

I don't know, marriage counseling doesn't have a very good reputation for keeping marriages together....it is so expensive. Maybe individual counseling or a life coach would be better? And for the love of God don't get one of those counselors that just sits there like a bump on a log and demands that you do everything...

Originally Posted by MWJamesLDS

Have you tried Counseling? Lazy is such a subjective term. Does he work 40-50 hours a week and come home and turn on the tube? Does he refuse to work, expect you to work full time and support him then come home and do the laundry? Does only mow the lawn once a month? It sounds like you may be harboring some resentment, as he may also be doing. Counseling could help you bring your issues to the table and give you both a chance to work on making things better. Does he even know how you feel? Considering there is no abuse, just a bad disconnect, it could help. It sounds like you and your family could have a lot to loose with a divorce and a lot to gain by at least trying to work things out, A counselor at the very least provides a mediator, helping each of you to see the others point of view, vs just your own.

PS. If you don't love him anymore and its a loveless marriage for sure; that is something that your can express in counseling as a safe place. He, you and your children deserve to be in loving relationship whether marital or parental.

[quelinda]

I think 10 years is long enough to be with this guy. I dont think counseling will put a spark into this marriage or make this guy pull his weight. You must be awfully tired being responsible for everything. The kids can still see their father if you split up, and on those days you'll for once get a break. I would kick him out, this situation would be tolerable for only so long. And this alimony nonsense should be avoided at all costs. You deserve happiness too.

[laysayfair]

Did you ever have anything in common? I assume you did since you married him. Is he lazy or just very depressed? Sometimes depression looks like laziness. Was he always lazy? probably not, or you wouldn't have chose him to have kids with. Has he had a medical check-up lately? Maybe he's unwell.

[Rance]

Quit feeding him. Quit doing his laundry. Tell him if he wants to eat he can get a job and go grocery shopping. Pack your stuff and the kids and go get an apartment with the money "you" earn.