Advice please....... (wife, movies, how to, marriage)

[MLM1977]

Hello everyone. My wife and I have been married for almost 8 years. We had a very active sex life prior to getting married. We even lived together for 2 years before we were married. It seems that my wife's sex drive completely disappeared once we were married.

For the first couple of years I practically had to beg for sex (not literally). Now, we have sex maybe 2 to 3 times year at this point.

I am not a sex addict by any means, but feel that 2 to 3 times a year is not normal for a relatively young couple (both in our early 30's). We both work full time jobs, but have no children. We come home from work and watch TV until she falls asleep and then I go and spend time on the computer.

She has no motivation for sex, housework, or anything else at this point. What can I do to help get her motivated again?

I have attempted to speak with her about these things, but she just clams up and won't say anything. I am also debating counseling but don't know how to bring it up. Any advice would greatly appreciated.

Thank you.

[trlhiker]

Sounds like she may be suffering from depression. You need to get her to see either a therapist or a psychiatrist and make it soon. Something is definitly wrong with her and don't take no for an answer from her. My wife was the same way until she got on the right medication. the difference is between night and day.

[professorsenator]

Originally Posted by MLM1977

I am also debating counseling but don't know how to bring it up. Any advice would greatly appreciated.

You are correct; something is wrong. I agree that depression could be a culprit based upon what you have reported.

Tell her that you are concerned about your sex life and marriage and that you want her to go with you to see a marriage counselor. Tell her sometime at a quiet moment at home.

[therewego]

I think it may be a health related issue: thyroid (tiredness), overweight maybe? I think she should see her doctor to see if she can get some help.

[shoghi]

Eight years? Well, yes... People get the relationships they want so you must want this. Are you now concerned because this is clearly abnormal?

Sounds like your wife is not the only who needs to figure out whereat she stands.

[cb at sea]

A doctor's visit is needed. Hormones can cause this sort of thing. And some folks just aren't "into" it! Does she want to want it? Did she enjoy it "way back when", or was she just humoring you? Did you give as good as you got? There are many, many reasons why a woman doesn't feel "in the mood"--some are physical, some psychological...a doctor of some sort is in order.

[mari4him]

Originally Posted by MLM1977

Hello everyone. My wife and I have been married for almost 8 years. We had a very active sex life prior to getting married. We even lived together for 2 years before we were married. It seems that my wife's sex drive completely disappeared once we were married.

For the first couple of years I practically had to beg for sex (not literally). Now, we have sex maybe 2 to 3 times year at this point.

I am not a sex addict by any means, but feel that 2 to 3 times a year is not normal for a relatively young couple (both in our early 30's). We both work full time jobs, but have no children. We come home from work and watch TV until she falls asleep and then I go and spend time on the computer.

She has no motivation for sex, housework, or anything else at this point. What can I do to help get her motivated again?

I have attempted to speak with her about these things, but she just clams up and won't say anything. I am also debating counseling but don't know how to bring it up. Any advice would greatly appreciated.

Thank you.

I've highlighted some points here to say that while yes depression or an otherwise health issue could very well be a reason. There are other reasons why women shut down in such ways and these could stem from either relationship issues outside the bedroom and in the bedroom.

I'd ask... How is your relationship in general or otherwise? I mean as far as the relationship goes as a whole, is it excellent, good, so-so, poor, horrible? Sometimes if a woman's needs whether physically, emotionally or psychologically are not being met, she can become depressed and distant.

It appears you have been together 8 years, comfort zone could set in and couples stop doing those little things for each other that they used to do before and thus life becomes rather routine and maybe even boring to some extent. Missing the excitement that once was there could lead to a disillusionment or depression of sorts.

You say you are a relatively young couple with no children, early 30's yet you both work full time and the only thing you mention doing together is watching TV until she falls asleep and then you going to the computer. Do you do anything else. Go out, get together with friends, take weekends away, vacations, go to the movies, out to dinner, anything that a young couple with no children could do much easier than those with children.

You say she has no motivation for sex but also say she has none for housework or anything else really, so it appears the problem could possibly go beyond just the bedroom, could she be feeling life is not exactly all she expected it to be? Goals or plans she had for herself that she has not pursued? Does she really enjoy her work or is she kind of at a job that she is not really happy with? You say you have no children, is this by mutual agreement not to have children? Or is there a possibility that one of you or the other wants children while the other does not? All these things could play a part.

The biggest red flag I think I see is in your last statement where you say you attempt to talk to her about this and she clams up and says nothing. It appears there is a breakdown in communication. She either can't or won't talk to you about what is going on. It may be because she feels she can't because she herself doesn't understand what is going on or why she is feeling or acting as she is. It could also be that she won't because she may feel you won't understand or truly listen, it may hurt you and she doesn't want to do that, it won't make a difference or change anything, or she is for some other reason afraid to let you in on it.

All these things could be contributors to where you are at. I think that if you cannot get the communication going in this situation, then counseling is definately needed before there is a further breakdown in the relationship and you end up resenting each other. It obviously is bothering you enough that you came here and posted about it. It may be bothering her as well. This is definately not something that can simply be swept under the rug and just hope it will go away or get better with time. If it doesn't get addressed and resolved, it is only bound to get worse as time goes on. JMO.

[20yrsinBranson]

I would be more concerned with her lack of joi de vivre than her lack of interest in sex. Just going through the motions of life is certainly no way to live. It certainly sounds like there is an underlying medical or psyhological problem that should be addressed.

Personally, I suggest a naturopathic practitioner who can evaluate her diet. I would certainly encourage regular exercise to get those endorphins pumping which certainly gives one a better outlook on life. I would also talk to her about her job which may be bringing her down. Sometimes the aspect of being able to get out of a terrible job situation and do something that she loves might help lighten her mood.

Once she is feeling better about life in general, I think that your sex life will improve too. She sounds so unhappy. I feel bad for her.

20yrsinBranson

[artsyguy]

lol this story is hilarious. She is just fed up with you at this time in your marriage and doesn't want you.....

[veuvegirl]

Talk to her, be open and honest. Maybe she is bored with your sex life and you need to mix it up a bit.