how long does it take before you see the real person? (woman, single)
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You have to go through the four seasons of dating before seeing someone's true colors. This happens at different paces for different couples. Hardships endured and shared will also be revealing, because it's when sh** hits the fan that you lose your composure and any facade and fronts are discarded. That's when true character (or lack thereof) will shine through. Everyone can be sweet and nice and loving when having a good day, but you need to be sure that the love's still there on a bad day.
Just make sure that it's not one person who's always in need and testing the other person. It has to be reciprocal. Otherwise, you end up noticing that you were always there for the other person in their time of need, and they bailed as soon as the relationship became something that required effort on their part.
You know, sometimes I think the real person is revealed, but the person in the relationship just does not want to see it. And in most of the cases, I think this is true, rather than true colors not being revealed until 4 years into a relationship.
You know, sometimes I think the real person is revealed, but the person in the relationship just does not want to see it. And in most of the cases, I think this is true, rather than true colors not being revealed until 4 years into a relationship.
That's definitely true. I know I've had a couple instances where love blinded me to glaring red flags, and I ignored the little signs because I wanted the relationship to work so badly, or was just too in love to see it any other way. You know what they say about hindsight... Signs are useless if you refuse to see them.
I think the true nature of a person can be revealed pretty quickly (for most people, obviously people who have major issues like pathologically lying have perfected their art). I think that the majority of the time people choose not to listen to their gut because they like so many other things about a person. At least that was my experience the one time I pursued a relationship while ignoring red flags.
Of course I'm not talking about things like whether a person likes ribs or not, but true nature does seem to come through pretty quickly, if you pay attention, don't brush off any feelings you get, ask those probing questions that were mentioned. And I don't think this only applies to big issues like honesty, but to other things that vary from person to person, such as whether world views are similar.
Honey child let me tell you how to solve that problem, this is what I do, are you listening, ok honey, first of all you need to learn to be interrogative like a detective, don't be rude and don't be a brat, probe with questions softly and with respect and give a few days, then do that again, and again and make up your decision on the individual after three or four discussions with him or her. Use BOTH your intellect and gut feeling. Be intellectual about your decisions. You have to think this through.
The second part to this is you need to learn to set boundaries right away tell the person what you prefer and what you like other people to do for you, teach the person how to treat you by giving out instruction, that way you run into less problems. Ok. See how he respondes. Does he agree, validate or relate? If so you are on a good path. Does he sound hesitant to validate, remain silent, become annoyed? If so you might be on the wrong path. That should tell you right away, so you don't waste time with no stupid bozo. Next is be respectful to what your new date or partner wants, it isn't one sided, you have to be nice to him too. Last test the waters, see if he respects your boundaries and is sincere in his actions. Nobody is perfect at all times but there can be a very good person out there for you.
The other rule is that if the person breaks important promises more than THREE times, at that point you've got to distance yourself and maybe not date that person anymore.
Gosh you sound like this guy I used to date only that he overdid it.
The above steps however would typically not work on people who are guarded. And then the problems might set in and you start misreading each other.
I say the above steps are great if the person you are dating is mature and has dated around. Not everyone knows what they want in life and might not be able to give you the answers you seek. It may take more than just 4 discussions
I agree with the above posts. Usually the signs are there, but they're hard to read because we're blinded by love, the desire for a relationship, the flattery and kind words, etc. That's why it's important to take your time, see the other person in different situations, observe how they treat their family, friends, pets,
etc. I also think it's important to work together on a project to see if your styles are compatible. Does the person have your best interest at heart or does everything have to be to their benefit? Are they a giver or a taker? These are important things to find out before you consider making a relationship permanent. How a person handles adversity is a really good window into their true character as well.
Exactly my point, with my method you are able to root out the immature and unsophisticated. I've rarely met anybody at my level of maturity or sophistication (in real life) LOL.
Somebody else mentioned how important common sense is, I very much agree and find common sense to be a huge plus.
Quote:
Originally Posted by princ3ss06
Gosh you sound like this guy I used to date only that he overdid it.
The above steps however would typically not work on people who are guarded. And then the problems might set in and you start misreading each other.
I say the above steps are great if the person you are dating is mature and has dated around. Not everyone knows what they want in life and might not be able to give you the answers you seek. It may take more than just 4 discussions
I was a horrible person to date now that I look back on it.
My personality was always the same - but the way I looked was different.
For dating : I'd prine for hours, put contacts in, make up, hair done, shaved my legs (and other places) but the best of the best foot forward...
That's not how I am. I MIGHT shave my lower part of my legs once or twice a month (only), I'm more of a ratty t shirt and shorts gal, my hair is nearly always in a messy ponytail and I wear glasses every day, and wear makeup only for special occasions.
I guess it a facade. But don't we do the same in Job interviews?
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Signs are useless if you refuse to see them.
