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HURRY, HURRY, HURRY!!! GUYS AND FELLAS, DROP YER UMBRELLAS, IT"S SHOWTIME AT THE WHIRLY GIRLY DATING REVIEW! WE'VE GOT ALL YOUR FAVORITE DATES HERE, SO NEVER FEAR!
Come see the BEARDED LADY, ZIPPETTE the PINHEAD, ED / EDNA the HALF-MAN / HALF-WOMAN and just as a change of pace, JINGLES, The PROJECTILE-VOMITING CAT!!!
Just a dollar, just a dollar, no need to holler! Step right up and be amazed! ALIVE, ALIVE, ALIVE - SMELL the burning flesh, SEE the sadistic torture, STILL in use today! (Usually by the second date...)
I'm gonna wake up the fat lady, sweet little Tammy from Miami, MY GOD IS SHE EVER FAT! It takes four men to hug her AND A BOXCAR TO LUG HER - WHERE IS SHE? Go in there and drag her out here. SHE'S 520 POUNDS OF BEAUTY - she's gonna' do a little dance for you, and when she does THE WHOLE TENT SHAKES. (Just as your faith in humanity will...)
SEE IT TO BELIEVE IT! While you're waiting for the Fat Lady, I want you to take a look from WAY DOWN HERE to WAY DOWN THERE, You'll see ONE HUNDRED FEET of BANNERS, You'll see THE ELECTRIC GIRL, THE SEAL LADY, THE ETHIOPIAN MAN- EATER, You're going to see EVERYTHING ON MY RIGHT, and EVERYTHING ON MY LEFT, EVERY ONE OF THEM ALIVE just as depicted. IF YOU FAIL TO SEE EVERY FEATURE I'VE PROMISED, ALL ALIVE AND CLOSE ENOUGH TO TOUCH, see me after the show AND I'LL REFUND YOUR MONEY AS GLADLY AS I'VE TAKEN IT. (Yeah - just like she'll go Dutch on the first date...)
NOW FELLAS, COME RIGHT UP CLOSE HERE FOR A GOOD LOOK, because I'M GONNA GIVE YOU A LITTLE TASTE of the BIG SHOW INSIDE. Here come just a few of the beauties you'll see:
DIRECT FROM LAS VEGAS, THE BEAUTIFUL BRANDI ALEXANDER! (She's only been using meth for a few weeks now...) HERE'S MISTY MORN, ISN'T SHE LOVELY? (Thank God for plastic surgery...) This is the show you've heard your neighbors talking about, AND NOW'S THE TIME TO SEE IT FOR YOURSELF - AND HERE'S SERENA THE TEMPTRESS, THE GIRL THEY'RE TALKING ABOUT WITH THE ACT THEY HAVE TO WHISPER ABOUT. (Because if they say it out loud, people will laugh.)
These girls are red-hot and wild - THEY'RE GONNA TWITCH IT AND TWATCH IT WHILE YOU WATCH IT, and when they're done YOU'LL KNOW SOME THINGS YOU DIDN'T KNOW BEFORE. (Like how to run like Hell when they come calling...)
Man oh man, THEY'RE HOTTER THAN THE FOURTH OF JULY, they've got all the things you like a girl to have AND THEY'RE GONNA SHAKE 'EM LOOSE LIKE A BUCKET OF JUICE. (Much like a leper...)
Now you've got a choice - YOU CAN STAND THERE WITH YOUR HANDS IN YOUR POCKETS SHAKING HANDS WITH THE UNEMPLOYED, or YOU CAN COME INSIDE - I dunno why they even have seats in there, BECAUSE YOU'LL BE STANDING STRAIGHT UP. (In preparation for getting out of town quickly...)
This is where you SEE THE FLAMES, SMELL THE SMOKE AND HEAR THE CANNONS ROAR, so ROLL UP BOYS, GET YOUR TICKETS AND GO NOW, IT'S SHOWTIME AT THE WHIRLY GIRLY DATING REVUE !
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