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Old 08-18-2008, 01:07 AM
 
5 posts, read 8,011 times
Reputation: 12
Default My bff is really clingy

I am 21 years old. My best friend moved away the summer after 8th grade and we have stayed in touch all of this time. We talk online or on the phone every single night. Lately though, she has been really clingy. She gets mad if I can't be online or talk to her that night, or if I hang out with any other friends. I mentioned going to a concert for a few hours and she started guilting me and telling me that she is really upset and really needs me right now, but when I ask what is wrong, she won't say. I don't know what to do? I know she had her rough patches, was raped in high school and suffers depression, and I try to be there for her as much as humanly possible. I answer my phone at 4 in the morning, sometimes miss class just to be there if she needs to talk. I don't want to lose her as a friend, she means too much to me, but I don't know what to do. Her being so clingy and jealous is starting to push me away and i don't want it to come to that. Please help!

There is more to it...so if more information is needed to answer the question just let me know and I will type it up!
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Old 08-18-2008, 01:40 AM
 
Location: Naptowne, Alaska
14,721 posts, read 23,820,061 times
Reputation: 12651
Go see her? Or invite her to visit you. Or tell her to lighten up a bit.
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Old 08-18-2008, 01:48 AM
Status: "Only 34 more days till next vacation" (set 10 days ago)
 
Location: In my own personal Twilight zone
12,720 posts, read 3,001,352 times
Reputation: 27011
As bad as it might be for your friend, but you have a live too. And calling at 4 a.m. shouldn't be a usual thing for her. She must stand on her own feet. It's important to have friends and to know that they are there for you when you need them but you shouldn't use all their time b/c that can kill a friendship.

Maybe it would be best to see her and try to talk to her about how YOU feel.
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Old 08-18-2008, 04:04 AM
 
Location: Tennessee
15,318 posts, read 13,600,357 times
Reputation: 21553
Wow...you two have talked on the phone every single night, for 6 or 7 years? Thats what you call a special friendship.
You both are getting older now, so naturally there is more going on in your life, than before.
Thats tough what happened to her, and its great that you have been there for her to talk to, etc. but....if she is still having major problems, then she doesn`t need to call you at 4 AM, she needs to talk to a counselor. It sounds like she needs to deal with her problems, so she can move on with her life as well.
We can`t waller in our pity, or expect others to feel sorry for us forever.
There comes a time in life, that we need to help ourselves.

I would just tell her how you feel. She cannot possibly expect you to not have a life outside of your house, at age 21.
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Old 08-18-2008, 05:31 AM
 
Location: Incognito
6,987 posts, read 12,203,118 times
Reputation: 5256
I agree with Rance, go visit her or fly her over for a weekend. Then take the time to talk about it with her.
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Old 08-18-2008, 08:01 AM
 
Location: SUNNY AZ
4,589 posts, read 8,440,169 times
Reputation: 1776
I'd have a talk with her.....make her feel like you really do value her friendship and she really is very important to you but you do have to allow yourself to focus on your life also......If it were me I'd gently tell her that you would love to be there for her whenever you possibly can but that can't be 24/7 as you do have to maintain your own life as well.
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Old 08-18-2008, 08:08 AM
 
Location: Sunny Florida
6,349 posts, read 6,169,226 times
Reputation: 7137
Quote:
Originally Posted by mezinsane View Post
She gets mad if I can't be online or talk to her that night, or if I hang out with any other friends. I mentioned going to a concert for a few hours and she started guilting me and telling me that she is really upset and really needs me right now, but when I ask what is wrong, she won't say. I don't know what to do? I know she had her rough patches, was raped in high school and suffers depression, and I try to be there for her as much as humanly possible. I answer my phone at 4 in the morning, sometimes miss class just to be there if she needs to talk. Please help!
I agree, you should go visit her and talk this out. You have the right to:

- have other friends
- go to concerts
- sleep through the night
- go to class

She is taking advantage of your friendship and good heart. You need to set some boundaries. No one should be calling you at 4 a.m. unless it's truly an emergency - fire, flood, hurricane, car accident, etc. She's using you and trying to make you feel guilty about living your life. This just isn't right. I'm sorry she has had a rough life, but she needs to get a grip. Talk to her and set some boundaries before it escalates. Best wishes.
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Old 08-18-2008, 09:00 AM
 
355 posts, read 867,721 times
Reputation: 170
I had a friend like that. I went over to he apartment literally every night to console her for months. She was depressed, her boyfriend was in jail as usual, yada yada. she lived 45 minutes from me. Well i worked all day and drove myself home because we didnt have any plans. She calls, tells me she needs to talk, and honestly i didnt feel like driving that far. I worked closer to her home than mine. she blew up, told me i was a horrible friend, and basically acted like i was never there for her. Needless to say that pissed me off because I was always over there. people couldnt see me in public without her without saying "hey, wheres your other half?" I love her as a friend but there are some people that you can never be there enough for.

Tell her you understand that shes going through a rough patch. Maybe tell her about your plans to go to concerts, etc. ahead of time so that she can't act surprised like you're deserting her. If you just tell her a couple days earlier maybe she won't feel so "abandoned"
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Old 08-18-2008, 10:47 AM
 
Location: Between Philadelphia and Allentown, PA
5,079 posts, read 8,224,581 times
Reputation: 3597
You know, I used to have a friend like that. Her clinginess got to be SO bad that I lost other friends over her. I finally had to end the relationship between the two of us. She wanted me as her friend and not to have any other friends. From personal experience, this is a red flag for me. Ever since that experience, I stopped being friendly with those types of personalities. Oddly enough, I use to seem to attract those types but that was years ago. I wish you the best, I know how you feel.
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Old 08-18-2008, 03:33 PM
 
25,170 posts, read 32,274,709 times
Reputation: 6671
i wish i had a friend like you...nobody has ever been there for me at 4 in the morning
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