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As opposed to women who are always selfless and noble? Man, the premise of your question just killed me.
However, let me get past that. Essentially if you are giving us the complete picture, your husband was badly burned by the most important person in his life. The person he was supposed to trust above all other people. And once somebody has been burned, it's very hard to get that person back near the fire again.
Your husband has deep-seated trust issues and, unfairly, is allowing those issues to drive your marriage. So what do you do?
First thing's first. You need to COMMUNICATE. You may be doing this already. But are you choosing the right moment to do so? Are you choosing the right method?
For example, are you expressing these frustrations in the heat of the moment when he's just said "no" for the umpteenth time to something that would be normal and reasonable otherwise? Or are you waiting to talk to him about this when the two of you are having a nice conversation and the mood is good? There's a world of difference between the two moments.
Are you accusing him, saying, "You never want to...."? Or are you saying, "I fully understand your feelings based on your past marriage, and I respect them. But I'd like for you to understand how you're making me feel." Again, there's a world of difference between the two statements. One makes him to immediately adopt a defensive posture, while the other expresses empathy and an honest desire to mutually solve a problem.
You know, this thread reminds me of a quote from a book (Damage) that made big impression on me.
Damaged people are dangerous. They know they can survive.
In my observations, people who have left a marriage once are much more likely to do it again and they do.
Wow, we know two entirely different kinds of people I guess. I actually know about 20 second marriage couples who are much more happily and successfully married than they were the first time around. And I almost forgot to include my own parents! My dad and step-mom just celebrated 30 years and my mom and step-dad would have too had he not died a few years ago. Come to think of it, I don't know ANY second marriages that have broken up - though I do realize that is probably a bit unusual. I'm thinking your viewpoint (and mine) are greatly colored by our own experiences with this issue
What makes you so sure he wasn't selfish in the first marriage? Do you know the whole story?
Maybe he was controlling in the past and blames his ex-wife for being too free. Maybe she told him to take a flying leap. Now you're dealing with a serial control freak or chronic sadsack who's passing the buck onto someone who's not around.
What makes you so sure he wasn't selfish in the first marriage? Do you know the whole story?
Maybe he was controlling in the past and blames his ex-wife for being too free. Maybe she told him to take a flying leap. Now you're dealing with a serial control freak or chronic sadsack who's passing the buck onto someone who's not around.
True. You know what I've found? People who blame their past woes completely on "Other People" are typically first-class rationalizers who never are willing to shoulder any part of the blame for a relationship that soured. That's true in relationships, jobs, financial problems, you name it.
It's kind of like whenever I interviewed somebody, and they repeatedly slammed past bosses for things and how nothing was ever their fault. Earlier in my life, I just swallowed that hook, line, and sinker. But I realized that if somebody is changing jobs every year like clockwork, it isn't bad luck. It's a deep-seated problem with the person I am interviewing. And if somebody never says, "Well, I probably contributed to the situation by doing...." then WATCH OUT. Because you're just going to be the next person in line to be blamed for a disappointing life.
It's kind of like what I told a friend of mine who has repeated problems with his wife's antics: The first time she did it, it was her fault. The second time she did it, it was your fault.
Are you accusing him, saying, "You never want to...."? Or are you saying, "I fully understand your feelings based on your past marriage, and I respect them.
You know what? I don't wanna understand his feelings! He should've understood them himself before going back on the market and ruining somebody else's life.
Quote:
Originally Posted by lovesMountains
Come to think of it, I don't know ANY second marriages that have broken up - though I do realize that is probably a bit unusual. I'm thinking your viewpoint (and mine) are greatly colored by our own experiences with this issue
Naturally, everybody’s opinions are colored by his/her own experiences. Afraid the statistics don't support your viewpoint, though.
Quote:
Originally Posted by ellie
What makes you so sure he wasn't selfish in the first marriage? Do you know the whole story?
You know what? I don't wanna understand his feelings! He should've understood them himself before going back on the market and ruining somebody else's life.
Naturally, everybody’s opinions are colored by his/her own experiences. Afraid the statistics don't support your viewpoint, though.
Good point!
True. But that's really not important at this point, given how she already married the clod (By the way, not to blame the victim here, but did she not detect these character flaws before marching down the aisle? I just don't understand how this kind of behavior only surfaces after the wedding). So now, in order to improve matters, she's going to have to use some steady diplomacy to bring about a change in his attitude.
You know what? I don't wanna understand his feelings! He should've understood them himself before going back on the market and ruining somebody else's life.
Naturally, everybody’s opinions are colored by his/her own experiences. Afraid the statistics don't support your viewpoint, though.
Good point!
I don't need statistics to "support my viewpoint" I've already said that I know my experience won't be everyone's experience. I'm just saying there ARE successful second marriages out there - much more sucessful and happy than the first marriage - so it does happen! And when it happens I believe it is because people took the time to LEARN from the failed first marriage and now do things differently in the second.
True. You know what I've found? People who blame their past woes completely on "Other People" are typically first-class rationalizers who never are willing to shoulder any part of the blame for a relationship that soured. That's true in relationships, jobs, financial problems, you name it.
It's kind of like whenever I interviewed somebody, and they repeatedly slammed past bosses for things and how nothing was ever their fault. Earlier in my life, I just swallowed that hook, line, and sinker. But I realized that if somebody is changing jobs every year like clockwork, it isn't bad luck. It's a deep-seated problem with the person I am interviewing. And if somebody never says, "Well, I probably contributed to the situation by doing...." then WATCH OUT. Because you're just going to be the next person in line to be blamed for a disappointing life.
It's kind of like what I told a friend of mine who has repeated problems with his wife's antics: The first time she did it, it was her fault. The second time she did it, it was your fault.
Oh, you're right! I'm not questioning anything you said in this post.
I think the divorce rate goes up for second or third marriages b/c everything becomes easier once you've done it before.
I'm sorry to say that the OP was clearly generalizing based on her experience. Most of the men I work with are on their second marriage and they all seem much happier. They usually say they were too young when they got married the first time.
That being said, I know how hard it is not to immediately get riled up at being reminded of something your ex used to do that drove you insane. It can be hard to remind yourself that this is a new person and politely explain why it bothers you.
I think the divorce rate goes up for second or third marriages b/c everything becomes easier once you've done it before.
I'm sorry to say that the OP was clearly generalizing based on her experience. Most of the men I work with are on their second marriage and they all seem much happier. They usually say they were too young when they got married the first time. That being said, I know how hard it is not to immediately get riled up at being reminded of something your ex used to do that drove you insane. It can be hard to remind yourself that this is a new person and politely explain why it bothers you.
This is the case with many of the men, and women, I know in second marriages
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