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Old 08-29-2008, 06:07 PM
 
Location: Tucson
42,843 posts, read 54,836,635 times
Reputation: 22811

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Quote:
Originally Posted by mollyblythe View Post
I always think it would be so interesting to meet the ex(es) and have a long friendly chat about one's intended when you fall for someone who has been formerly attached . So often there is an animosity toward those past partners, but it would surely be a different and often helpful and informative viewpoint from the one you've heard.

However, human nature being what it is, people aren't inclined to believe the negatives when they're caught up in the first throes of love.
Nope, they're not inclined at all! Nobody with rose-colored glasses on would believe the "bitter witch/jerk"...
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Old 08-30-2008, 12:09 AM
 
1,218 posts, read 2,680,917 times
Reputation: 1082
Babyonboard: Let me get this straight...you're both on your second marriage and you're judging ALL men by your husband's behavior?

This speaks volumes about YOU. Perhaps we're not getting the whole story here. You're willing to judge an entire sex by one man's behavior.

One word: PATHETIC
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Old 08-30-2008, 12:58 AM
 
30 posts, read 56,000 times
Reputation: 26
Quote:
Originally Posted by bobmulk View Post
Babyonboard: Let me get this straight...you're both on your second marriage and you're judging ALL men by your husband's behavior?

This speaks volumes about YOU. Perhaps we're not getting the whole story here. You're willing to judge an entire sex by one man's behavior.

One word: PATHETIC

Hey thanks for the nice hit... I wouldnt say that I'm judging all men. Just some of um, and women too should fit into this.

Who's judging who? Yes I'm on my second marriage.... the only thing that I would call pathetic is that it took me 3 years to gain enough self respect to leave the man that beat the hell out of me. (first husband)Then another 2 years to find the inner strength to rebuild. It took everyting that I had to love, trust and even think about relationships again, but I did it for the love of my self. If I cannot forgive and forget than that pain stays with me and gets carried into my next relationship.

I am having a hard time with someone I love not being able to do the same. I believe that you can learn from anything, and you can either take the high road in life or the low road, which will eventually repeat itself.
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Old 08-30-2008, 07:07 AM
 
Location: Oxford, OH
1,463 posts, read 2,369,069 times
Reputation: 816
Smart that you both spent some time re-building your lives. You have to be happy with yourself before you add another person to the mix.
My husband and I were both married before, both in really bad relationships, but when we were married we were both so thankful for a good match. There always seems to be some things that pull you to the past and you just have to work through those, talk them out and appreciate that you are not where you used to be.
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Old 03-11-2009, 07:57 PM
 
2 posts, read 2,554 times
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I'm a first time wife, married to a second time husband. I agree if a man or women hasn't learnt from their past relationship, they are not going to in their new one. My husband explains he didn't know anything was wrong in his past relationship, I my self find that hard to believe. But I guess some people just don't want to see. Its hard when you have children involved, because the ex will always be apart of your life. Your talking about selfishness, I am am an independant women, one my husband thinks is selfish, to a degree I believe him. But so is he. We all have that capacity
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Old 03-11-2009, 08:11 PM
 
Location: Whoville....
22,296 posts, read 17,040,162 times
Reputation: 11741
Quote:
Originally Posted by babyonboard View Post
Why it is that men are so selfish in their second marriage?
My husband and I have been married for over 4 years now. We both came from crappy relationships... We took the time to get over our past and move on to find happiness within our selves. (Or at least I did) We were both seeking friendship and love, and found each other. We have quite a lot in common and have fun together when we both try.
However I have felt for the past year that I have to pay the price for the freedom and fun that his ex wife took, sucked or drained from him. At times he seems unwilling to bend, or even consider doing something that reminds him of an event from his past. He's acting like he's still bitter about how his last marriage turned out, and his actions at times jeopardize his new life. I feel like I've gotten the short end of the stick when it comes to what's left of his love & support.

Will he ever realize that I am not his ex wife, or will I have to continue to accept that he is very self centered?
My experience is the same. For the first few years of our marriage, I felt like I was being punished for her sins. Turns out I was. Took him 27 years to realize it though.

To make a long story short, if she got it, I did not. That included everything from an engagement ring, a honeymoon, a reception after the wedding to being able to stay home with the kids. Not that I really wanted to stay home with the kids but I wish I'd had a choice. I would have chose to work but it irks me she got a choice and I did not.
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Old 03-11-2009, 08:17 PM
miu
 
Location: MA/NH
13,034 posts, read 22,440,041 times
Reputation: 10236
In my experience, I've encountered more men than women that were bitter and cynical about relationships because of their past failed relationships. Women seem to be more optimistic about romance, and always hoping the next guy will be their Prince Charming or that that somehow they can "fix" their loser boyfriend. Of course, there are exceptions, like LindsayMcFarren...
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Old 03-11-2009, 09:28 PM
 
329 posts, read 486,562 times
Reputation: 291
Quote:
Originally Posted by sierraAZ View Post
You know, this thread reminds me of a quote from a book (Damage) that made big impression on me.

Damaged people are dangerous. They know they can survive.

In my observations, people who have left a marriage once are much more likely to do it again and they do.
Sierra, I'd rep you but can't.

It's true that if a person doesn't resolve the "baggage" issues, it becomes a vicious circle. The problems are the same; just the partner is different. Damage transference. Blaming the ex is a red flag.
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Old 03-11-2009, 09:40 PM
 
Location: NW Montana
6,259 posts, read 8,677,576 times
Reputation: 3336
Quote:
Originally Posted by babyonboard View Post
Hey thanks for the nice hit... I wouldnt say that I'm judging all men. Just some of um, and women too should fit into this.

Who's judging who? Yes I'm on my second marriage.... the only thing that I would call pathetic is that it took me 3 years to gain enough self respect to leave the man that beat the hell out of me. (first husband)Then another 2 years to find the inner strength to rebuild. It took everything that I had to love, trust and even think about relationships again, but I did it for the love of my self. If I cannot forgive and forget than that pain stays with me and gets carried into my next relationship.

I am having a hard time with someone I love not being able to do the same. I believe that you can learn from anything, and you can either take the high road in life or the low road, which will eventually repeat itself.
With careful and thoughtful consideration, I ask, could you be more sensitive due to your past bad experience? I go for the light touch, try to keep the home a refuge, he may also be more guarded due to the past. Just try to find one little thing you like to do and work on that. Best of luck
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Old 03-11-2009, 10:21 PM
 
Location: somewhere south of Canada
2,144 posts, read 2,587,098 times
Reputation: 2515
Quote:
Originally Posted by miu View Post
In my experience, I've encountered more men than women that were bitter and cynical about relationships because of their past failed relationships. Women seem to be more optimistic about romance, and always hoping the next guy will be their Prince Charming
I agree with this one. It always seems that I get compared to the "psycho" ex-wives when in reality I'm nothing like them at all. I think some of my exes were just looking for excuses to avoid commitment for fear of our relationship turning out the same as previous ones. My ex-fiance even brought up things his ex-wife and another ex-girlfriend had done to him when he was trying to explain why he called off our wedding. He told me that his ex-girlfriend always put him down, didn't like his kids, and thought his family was white trash. His ex-wife had no ambition and he had to support the whole family and she got everything in the divorce, blah blah blah. Of course, I'm looking at him like he's crazy because I was just the opposite of all this. Did he think I was going to morph into the ex-girlfriend/wife the day we walked down the aisle?

I, on the other hand, have a foolish optimism (that is fast waning) and keep trying to find that one guy who won't blame me for past mistakes, and who will be my best friend for life. I'm definitely becoming more cynical as years pass though. Probably won't be too long before I'm a bitter man-hater with a few cats.
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