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Old 03-11-2009, 10:27 PM
 
Location: Tucson
42,843 posts, read 54,857,697 times
Reputation: 22812

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tropical Trouble View Post
I agree with this one. It always seems that I get compared to the "psycho" ex-wives when in reality I'm nothing like them at all. I think some of my exes were just looking for excuses to avoid commitment for fear of our relationship turning out the same as previous ones. My ex-fiance even brought up things his ex-wife and another ex-girlfriend had done to him when he was trying to explain why he called off our wedding. He told me that his ex-girlfriend always put him down, didn't like his kids, and thought his family was white trash. His ex-wife had no ambition and he had to support the whole family and she got everything in the divorce, blah blah blah. Of course, I'm looking at him like he's crazy because I was just the opposite of all this. Did he think I was going to morph into the ex-girlfriend/wife the day we walked down the aisle?

I, on the other hand, have a foolish optimism (that is fast waning) and keep trying to find that one guy who won't blame me for past mistakes, and who will be my best friend for life. I'm definitely becoming more cynical as years pass though. Probably won't be too long before I'm a bitter man-hater with a few cats.
You haven't been married, right? Thank your lucky stars, say "good riddance," and find somebody available - not only on paper, but emotionally and otherwise available!
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Old 03-11-2009, 10:46 PM
 
Location: somewhere south of Canada
2,144 posts, read 2,588,130 times
Reputation: 2515
Quote:
Originally Posted by sierraAZ View Post
You haven't been married, right? Thank your lucky stars, say "good riddance," and find somebody available - not only on paper, but emotionally and otherwise available!
Thanks. I'm working on it (sort of). My priority at the moment is taking care of myself. If Mr. Right comes along while I'm working overtime, training for a half marathon, and visiting with friends I haven't seen in years, then that's wonderful. If not, well I'll still have more money, be in better shape, and be closer to those that mean the most to me. I'm a winner either way.
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Old 03-11-2009, 10:47 PM
 
Location: I'm around here someplace :)
1,667 posts, read 2,027,830 times
Reputation: 946
from what you're saying, he hasn't got over his past at all.
if you really want it to work, point him to a counselor.

Quote:
Originally Posted by babyonboard View Post
Why it is that men are so selfish in their second marriage?
My husband and I have been married for over 4 years now. We both came from crappy relationships... We took the time to get over our past and move on to find happiness within our selves. (Or at least I did) We were both seeking friendship and love, and found each other. We have quite a lot in common and have fun together when we both try.
However I have felt for the past year that I have to pay the price for the freedom and fun that his ex wife took, sucked or drained from him. At times he seems unwilling to bend, or even consider doing something that reminds him of an event from his past. He's acting like he's still bitter about how his last marriage turned out, and his actions at times jeopardize his new life. I feel like I've gotten the short end of the stick when it comes to what's left of his love & support.

Will he ever realize that I am not his ex wife, or will I have to continue to accept that he is very self centered?
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Old 03-11-2009, 10:51 PM
miu
 
Location: MA/NH
13,035 posts, read 22,448,931 times
Reputation: 10238
If a man has to pay alimony to his ex or is making child support payments... expect him never to get over his bitterness over his first marriage. And he will always be tallying up how much he's spending on his current woman.
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Old 03-11-2009, 11:00 PM
 
Location: Tucson
42,843 posts, read 54,857,697 times
Reputation: 22812
Quote:
Originally Posted by Tropical Trouble View Post
Thanks. I'm working on it (sort of). My priority at the moment is taking care of myself. If Mr. Right comes along while I'm working overtime, training for a half marathon, and visiting with friends I haven't seen in years, then that's wonderful. If not, well I'll still have more money, be in better shape, and be closer to those that mean the most to me. I'm a winner either way.
Good for you!
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Old 03-12-2009, 01:15 AM
 
4,838 posts, read 5,184,966 times
Reputation: 2907
Default One Has to Wonder

Quote:
Originally Posted by babyonboard View Post
Why it is that men are so selfish in their second marriage?
If previously married men are such a bad bet, (and my observations tend to support this) why are women so eager to give them a second chance? The statistics bear this out. There are 4 times as many divorced women as men. This indicates that even if a number remarry to divorced women, many are going back to single pool, instead, for a second try. (single men out number women by 5 to 4)

Is it that they still have the attributes that got them into a relationship for the first time?

OR

Is it that they know what to cover up about themselves and how to hide it?

OR

Is it, as often stated, that women won't give an older single man (30+) a chance because if nobody else wanted him yet, he must be a poor prospect?

This could be a poll!
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Old 03-12-2009, 05:57 AM
 
Location: Connecticut
1,461 posts, read 2,871,519 times
Reputation: 1591
Default Selfish Men in Second Marriages

From an ex wife: Not all men are selfish in their second marriages. Sounds to me like yours is somewhat shellshot from his first wife. She must have been a royal P.I.A. to him or she got the best of him. There are always two sides to every story and be careful your new hubby isn't telling you things just so he doesn't have to participate. Example: "Oh, I don't want to go to the lake to swim, my ex and I use to go there"....translation: "I don't want to go period". It is so easy for men and women to fall back on a past "event" as an excuse when they don't want to do something. It takes honesty to admit when you don't have an interest in something. This is how we develop as adults and have healthy relationships.

This works both ways you know meaning my ex remarried and his new wife has more than I ever could have hoped for from him. I lived in Northern Maine with him for 12 years and was heating my water on a stove, hauling in stove wood to stay warm and was getting food stamps. Our roof leaked like a sieve, toilet was broken and wallpaper peeling. He cheated on me, was drunk 24-7, smoked pot and even sold it. I RAN from the jerk and he moved his new main squeeze into our beat up old house and immediately fixed EVERYTHING...hot water got hooked up, house got painted...he took care of her from day one. Worse case scenario..he and I have a child together who is all grown up now and he never calls...or visits him. My son has written him off.

So...............talk to him, tell him how you feel but don't totally blame the ex for his behavior. This is a two way street.
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Old 03-12-2009, 11:28 AM
 
25,262 posts, read 27,388,177 times
Reputation: 34525
Quote:
Originally Posted by babyonboard View Post
Why it is that men are so selfish in their second marriage?
My husband and I have been married for over 4 years now. We both came from crappy relationships... We took the time to get over our past and move on to find happiness within our selves. (Or at least I did) We were both seeking friendship and love, and found each other. We have quite a lot in common and have fun together when we both try.
However I have felt for the past year that I have to pay the price for the freedom and fun that his ex wife took, sucked or drained from him. At times he seems unwilling to bend, or even consider doing something that reminds him of an event from his past. He's acting like he's still bitter about how his last marriage turned out, and his actions at times jeopardize his new life. I feel like I've gotten the short end of the stick when it comes to what's left of his love & support.

Will he ever realize that I am not his ex wife, or will I have to continue to accept that he is very self centered?
Do you just love posts that start out with "Why do all men..." or "Why do all women..."? Heck, you might as well say "Why do all white people..." or "Why do all black people..."
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Old 03-12-2009, 11:34 AM
 
Location: southern california
50,262 posts, read 47,603,261 times
Reputation: 41660
being selfless got him crucified. he is trying to learn from his mistakes. if you make like sir frances drake you are guna get muddy feet all over your coat. read the CDF posts. 24 month magic, admiration and sex --presto abra cadabra-- replaced with heavy spending and contempt.
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Old 01-23-2010, 08:31 PM
 
2 posts, read 3,442 times
Reputation: 10
Because men are selfish already. First, second, or third marriage. Perhaps that's why they divorced no. 1 because they are selfish.
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