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Old 08-29-2008, 03:08 PM
 
Location: Tucson
42,844 posts, read 54,396,375 times
Reputation: 22789

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Hey, a long weekend's coming up! Forget the serious stuff! Or did most of you start it already...?



"When a man steals your wife there is no better revenge than to let him keep her."


Sacha Guitry


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"Love is temporary insanity curable by marriage."

Ambrose Bierce


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"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."

Groucho Marx


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"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."

Henry Youngman


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"Marriage is the alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays and the other who never forgets them."

Ogden Nash


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"A married man should forget his mistakes; no use two people remembering the same thing."

Duane Dewel


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"Men should be like Kleenex, soft, strong and disposable."

Cher


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"Love is the answer - but while you're waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions."

Woody Allen


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"Don't have sex man. It leads to kissing and pretty soon you have to start talking to them."

Steve Martin


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"My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on."

Joan Rivers



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"To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering one must not love. But then one suffers from not loving. Therefore to love is to suffer, not to love is to suffer. To suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love. To be happy then is to suffer. But suffering makes one unhappy. Therefore, to be unhappy one must love, or love to suffer, or suffer from too much happiness. I hope you're getting this down."

Woody Allen


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"An archeologist is the best husband any woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her."

Agatha Christie


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"Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed."

Albert Einstein


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"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."

Groucho Marx


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"Marrying a man is like buying something you've been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn't always go with everything else in the house.

Jean Kerr


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"Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your heart or burn down your house, you can never tell."

Joan Crawford


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"Trust your husband, adore your husband, and get as much as you can in your own name."

Joan Rivers


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If you want to sacrifice the admiration of many men for the criticism of one, go ahead, get married.

Katharine Hepburn


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Whenever I date a guy, I think, is this the man that I want my children to spend their weekends with?"

Rita Rudner


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"All marriages are happy. It's trying to live together afterwards that causes all the problems."

Shelley Winters


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"Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution yet."

Mae West


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"Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience."

Oscar Wilde

Funny Relationship Quotes
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Old 08-29-2008, 03:40 PM
 
Location: Incognito
6,995 posts, read 12,947,094 times
Reputation: 5300
"I told my wife 'hey honey come on, let's make love like the old days.' She asked me for 50 bucks."

"I was making love to my wife the other night, I looked up. She was on the phone."

-Rodney Dangefield
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Old 08-29-2008, 03:51 PM
 
Location: Tucson
42,844 posts, read 54,396,375 times
Reputation: 22789
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mr.Cat View Post
"I told my wife 'hey honey come on, let's make love like the old days.' She asked me for 50 bucks."

"I was making love to my wife the other night, I looked up. She was on the phone."

-Rodney Dangefield
Sad, sad...
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Old 08-29-2008, 04:19 PM
 
Location: "The Sunshine State"
4,357 posts, read 8,527,499 times
Reputation: 2841
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mr.Cat View Post
"I told my wife 'hey honey come on, let's make love like the old days.' She asked me for 50 bucks."

"I was making love to my wife the other night, I looked up. She was on the phone."

-Rodney Dangefield
Funneeeee! Good ones!

http://i250.photobucket.com/albums/gg274/topaz7021/ls_114861.jpg (broken link)
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Old 08-29-2008, 04:54 PM
 
13,779 posts, read 16,907,060 times
Reputation: 7237
This is from a bumper sticker...

Sometimes I miss my ex, but my aim is getting better!

It is better to have loved and lost than to live with the psycho the rest of your life! (magnet on my fridge!)
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Old 08-29-2008, 06:10 PM
 
Location: Tucson
42,844 posts, read 54,396,375 times
Reputation: 22789
Quote:
Originally Posted by mrstewart View Post
Sometimes I miss my ex, but my aim is getting better!
Yeah, that's a good one!

Quote:
It is better to have loved and lost than to live with the psycho the rest of your life! (magnet on my fridge!)
Hmm... I find this one a bit ambiguous... What does Mr. think about it?
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Old 08-29-2008, 06:43 PM
 
13,779 posts, read 16,907,060 times
Reputation: 7237
Quote:
Originally Posted by sierraAZ View Post
Yeah, that's a good one!



Hmm... I find this one a bit ambiguous... What does Mr. think about it?
Well, I originally bought the magnet for my dad who was going through a divorce with a hypochondriac and I loved it so much I kept it He doesn't seem to mind.
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Old 08-29-2008, 06:57 PM
 
Location: Wu Dang Mountain
12,890 posts, read 12,771,005 times
Reputation: 8410
Quote:
If you want to sacrifice the admiration of many men for the criticism of one, go ahead, get married.

Katharine Hepburn
One of the many reasons I love her...

Quote:
"I told my wife 'hey honey come on, let's make love like the old days.' She asked me for 50 bucks."

"I was making love to my wife the other night, I looked up. She was on the phone."

-Rodney Dangefield
LOL!

"My wife and I hailed a cab the other night. She said "I want to have sex in the back seat". I said "Fine". She said "You drive"...
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Old 08-29-2008, 07:14 PM
 
Location: Incognito
6,995 posts, read 12,947,094 times
Reputation: 5300
"My wife made me join her bridge club ... I jump next Tuesday."

"It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass."

"My sex life is terrible, my wife put a mirror over the dogs bed. Actually she did put a mirror over our bed. She says she likes to watch herself laugh."

"My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night it was to time an egg."

"I asked my wife if she would put out the garbage. she said why should I you never put out for me".

"I asked my wife if she enjoys a cigarette after sex and she said no, one drag is enough"

"My wife's got a face like a saint - a Saint Bernard."
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Old 08-29-2008, 08:19 PM
 
Location: In the Pearl of the Purchase, Ky
5,341 posts, read 7,449,946 times
Reputation: 21108
Someone asked the salesman why he took his wife with him on all his trips.
"It's a whole lot easier than kissing her goodbye!"

At a couples retreat, the speaker told the men they need to know their wife's favorite flower. A man on the back row looked at his wife and asked, "Pillsbury, isn't it?"

Did you hear about the scientist who finally figured out women? He died laughing!

You know the difference between a buzzard and a wife? A buzzard circles three times before he chews out your a**!

I'd better quit before my wife comes over and reads over my shoulder! lol
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