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I have been close friends with someone for almost 15 years. I met her when our sons were in kindergarten. Both boys are still great friends and us two moms really hit it off!
Over the years we really have had so much fun (or at least from my point of view I have felt this way) going to movies, out to lunch, etc. We always do something special for each of our birthdays and Christmas. She has told me that she feels that I am one of her closest friends. She's a great listener a sweet person and we share a lot of similar views.
The problem? I feel that over the years and even more so lately that I'm the one who almost always calls. I always suggest something to do or ask to get together. I have invited her to my house for dinner, super bowl, cookouts, etc and she has only invited me to her house ONCE in all this time. Her excuse is that she's embarrassed by her home (it's really not bad, only a little dated) but the kids are there all the time, she has family come to visit and old out of town friends. Beside it's ME her close friend so why feel that way? She also never invites me to go out to dinner or ever asks to see if I would like to join her with other friends of hers.
Over the years this has bothered me and I even have tried to not call (I try to keep in touch only a couple of times a month so it's not like I'm calling a lot) but I always give in to my desire to see and speak o her.
What really got to me was several weeks ago I invited a neighbor and my friend and their spouses over for dinner. Seems that my neighbor and friend have a mutual acquaintance and both were chatting while I was working in the kitchen. They both realized that I was working while they were standing there and my friend made a little joke about it so my neighbor said well I'm sure that when she's over your house she sees you working too. Well my friend made a lame comment that my house was nicer so we usually come to mine. This has been bothering me a LOT! ( We live in the same community and my house is really not that much better than hers)
MY friend and I made tentative plans for this weekend four weeks ago for her birthday and I have decided not to call her. (It was the last time I spoke with her) I figured that after all it is her birthday and if she wants to get together she can call me. I'm tired of feeling like this is such a one sided friendship but very sad if it does end because I do love her in every other way.
Maybe she means more to me than the other way around and I admit that it hurts a lot. Anyway thanks for listening to my vent!
No I don't want to blow her off. It is her perception that my house is better......her words. I call her all the time and almost never get the call in return.
I want to do the right thing. Do you think I should call this time, do the birthday thing and see if she calls me in the future?
I agree that friendships are not always going to be 50/50 but over the years I feel like the friendship would not be continuing if I never called. I ALWAYS call her. I have to admit that I'm also a bit anxious about discussing this because I hate confrontation of any kind even if it is done nicely and I'm also afraid that well maybe she's only being friends with me because she's just a nice person but is tired of me. If that is the case then I know that I'm better off knowing but I want to avoid the hurt.
I agree that friendships are not always going to be 50/50 but over the years I feel like the friendship would not be continuing if I never called. I ALWAYS call her. I have to admit that I'm also a bit anxious about discussing this because I hate confrontation of any kind even if it is done nicely and I'm also afraid that well maybe she's only being friends with me because she's just a nice person but is tired of me. If that is the case then I know that I'm better off knowing but I want to avoid the hurt.
Maybe you should wait for her to call you instead of you seeking out communication. I do not know what else to say except to talk to her or just stop calling...let us know how it works out
No I don't want to blow her off. It is her perception that my house is better......her words. I call her all the time and almost never get the call in return.
I want to do the right thing. Do you think I should call this time, do the birthday thing and see if she calls me in the future?
Well her perception is your living truth as far as she is concerned.
;P
You cant ask someone you have known for 25 years "whats up and why dont you call back?"
Its been 25 years..out with it already!
I wouldnt blow anyone off on thier birthday. Thats pretty low for a collection of social misunderstanding without malice. It could totally be taken the wrong way.
Go out and have a blast for the birthday and talk about that and whats up over drink or lunch after that.
25 years is a long time. I think its only natural to get a little flakey everyonce in awhile.
Maybe she figures that you are just the "caller" in the relationship.
(doesnt want to impose on you)
Well her perception is your living truth as far as she is concerned.
;P
You cant ask someone you have known for 25 years "whats up and why dont you call back?"
Its been 25 years..out with it already!
I wouldnt blow anyone off on thier birthday. Thats pretty low for a collection of social misunderstanding without malice. It could totally be taken the wrong way.
Go out and have a blast for the birthday and talk about that and whats up over drink or lunch after that.
25 years is a long time. I think its only natural to get a little flakey everyonce in awhile.
Maybe she figures that you are just the "caller" in the relationship.
(doesnt want to impose on you)
Good point! Maybe her friend is just content with the "designated" roles in the relationship and sees no problems
Cre8-I know exactly what you are talking about. I am no longer friends with this person but I had the same friendship for 8 years. It totally sucks and I feel your pain. I hope it works out for you. Have you thought about talking to her about it??
Maybe I am the so called "designated" caller and that is a role that she assumes that I have. I've never really thought about this before and it is something to consider.....
himain,
I have thought about saying something but as I mentioned I'm a little anxious about that. Something that I need to get over. Thanks though for understanding about how it feels.
I more than anything would like to keep this friend in my life but I don't like feeling like I'm being taken for granted.
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