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What do you guys think about same sex friendships?
I have been living with my boyfriend for 3 years. Our relationship isn't perfect, but which one is? Overall he is a very sweet guy, but in the last year and a half he became very close to a female co-worker of his. I have to admit it bothered me when I found out he started having communications with her outside of work. I didn't understand why they had to speak to each other over the phone when they saw each other everyday.
I tried my best and did my part to welcome her as his "friend", but didn't feel comfortable being around her and asked him to please not set up any meetings with her because I didn't want to be put in that situation again. This past year has been rough for us. He lost his job, I was diagnosed with cancer (fine now) so he doesn't work with her anymore, but he kept the relationship going regardless of how I felt about it.
What made the situation worse was when he tried to hide the fact he set up a lunch date with her. I found out about the meeting by reading his e-mail. He tells me the reason he hid it from me was because he knew how I felt about her and didn't want to upset me.
Anyway, to not make this any longer we have been arguing about this for months and even if things go well it always seems to come up. We have been close to breaking up many times because this has brought up trust issues. I have asked him to stop talking to her. I don't want them to be friends anymore, but he refuses to and tells me that he'll do anything to avoid her, which he has not. He has a new job, she has his work e-mail, they are friends on facebook and I have tried to put it past us, but he really is not helping. Perhaps I am making a big deal out of this? After all they are "just friends".
Well, your "when a boyfriend gets close to another female" caught my eye; however, the same sex thing floored me - I'm old school so I'm just not used to that.
But it doesn't matter really, does it? If your boyfriend gets close to another female.... it shouldn't matter to you.
And this is for anyone....until marriage - he's/she's not off limits to see others/get close to someone else/ etc. You are free!
However, if you made commitments to be exclusive and then that other person gets close to someone else...well, I'd run, not walk to the closest exit.
I do have friendships at work with other guys, but I would never let those friendships intefere with the relationship I have with my boyfriend. What bothers me the most and gets me thinking is his covering up.
I would have never felt the need to check his e-mail if I didn't think something was going on behind my back. As his partner of 3 years I think I have the right to know he has a lunch date with another female.
Yes, I do believe that people can be attracted to someone else while being in a relationship, but I also think if that's the case then you should not be involved. I have an issue with that girl and he knows it, so why isn't he being considerate of my feelings and stop communicating with her? This way we can move forward and try to make this work.
he doesn't want to drop it!!! And even if they are just friends there is still something more to it. It's not simply just friends or else he would drop it so that there is less problems between you two.
If he lied to you once he will lie again. Do you really want to be in a relationship where you have to be a detective?? Trust me that is no life.
I don't think you're making too big a deal out of it. Once you're married/in a committed relationship, men and women can't be friends, that's my honest opinion. I don't have any male friends, nor would I ever dream of getting one. It's inappropriate. And you've asked him to stop being her friend and he won't--that's a huge trust violation right there. This would bother me immensely too. There's no reason that he should disregard your feelings of asking him to stop seeing her. Your spouse/partner should come first. If your spouse/partner asks you to stop doing something that is hurting you, they should do it. Your boyfriend is overstepping a lot of boundaries here. What he's doing is not appropriate and is hurtful. I guess you need to decide now whether you want to still be with him and put up with the hurt you feel about his friendship, or if you want to break it off with him. It seems like if he's doing something like this now, what will he do if you two get married?
I don't think you're making too big a deal out of it. Once you're married/in a committed relationship, men and women can't be friends, that's my honest opinion. I don't have any male friends, nor would I ever dream of getting one. It's inappropriate. And you've asked him to stop being her friend and he won't--that's a huge trust violation right there. This would bother me immensely too. There's no reason that he should disregard your feelings of asking him to stop seeing her. Your spouse/partner should come first. If your spouse/partner asks you to stop doing something that is hurting you, they should do it. Your boyfriend is overstepping a lot of boundaries here. What he's doing is not appropriate and is hurtful. I guess you need to decide now whether you want to still be with him and put up with the hurt you feel about his friendship, or if you want to break it off with him. It seems like if he's doing something like this now, what will he do if you two get married?
I have tried putting this past us. Things get better for a while, but when the girl's name comes up or I see any communication between them I get so angry and hurt. When he told me it wasn't necessary for him to put an end to the friendship I told him I could take care of it. It did crossed my mind to call her or shoot her an e-mail, but then I thought, it wouldn't change things. He did what he did and has not fixed it.
He tells me I am acting like he cheated on me and I remind him that I decided to give the relationship another chance because it never got that far. But what were his intentions?
It also crosses my mind what that lady was thinking every time she called him or texted him. We just have different views on relationships I guess because if I know a man is in a committed relationship and lives with his partner I would think twice about calling his phone when he's home, I would worry about what his wife/girlfriend would think. Then again he permitted it so I am sure she thought it was all good.
Location: Stuck on the East Coast, hoping to head West
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I'd look at it this way: do I want a boyfriend who lies to me and hides things from me? Do I want a boyfriend who puts his needs and/or someone else's before mine? It would be one thing if this were a lifelong buddy or someone who was part of the package when you met him. But this is just a coworker with whom he chose to pursue a relationship knowing that it made you feel uncomfortable. At the very least, he needs to explain what is so special about this person and/or relationship that he'd risk losing you. And he needs to have a good answer.
If he's using this relationship to achieve autonomy, like he feels like you smother him or something then that is another issue that needs to be dealt with without another person in the picture. Using her to build up his confidence isn't fair to anyone--including the coworker.
Finally, I always trust my intuition. If I get a bad feeling, I make a little noise and feel things out.
The bottom line is that he's at the point where he's doing what he wants to do regardless of your feelings. Worse, he's checking out of the relationship and trying to avoid you altogether by hiding things and lying. I think the problems go way beyond him being friends with a coworker.
Thanks for all your comments. I just noticed I made a mistake on my original post, it should read "opposite sex freindships"...LOL. I don't know how to edit, but you guys got it.
He tells me it shouldn't matter anymore since he doesn't work with her. He says he's never going to see her again because she doens't live close and that I should just let it go if I want things to work. I just keep holding on hoping I can get over all this and move on, but it just bothers me so much.
Maybe I really should try contacting her. Then again I would feel bad if she is totally innocent to what's going on.
Our relationship isn't perfect, but which one is? Don't judge yourself by others -- that's useless because everyone and every relationship is unique. Evaluate yourself by how you feel in your gut. If you feel smooth and relaxed and smily inside, great. If not, not.
I didn't understand why they had to speak to each other over the phone when they saw each other every day. Don't YOU speak to friends?
I tried my best and did my part to welcome her as his "friend", but didn't feel comfortable being around her and asked him to please not set up any meetings with her The rest of your post does not sound as though you "did your best". If you had "done your best", you would have felt happy and relaxed around her. That's what being a host is all about, the queen of the home and of the relationship. Or -- you sensed through him that they have a romantic relationship. Which? If he had nothing to hide from you, he would have freely and happily included her in events the two of you did.
he kept the relationship going regardless of how I felt about it. Have YOU thrown out the people you love or like or have fun with, if he said he didn't want you to keep seeing them? Why would you? Why would he? However, did the two of you discuss this as mature partners, with no blaming, no accusations, no anger, no suspicions, no bitterness?
he tried to hide the fact he set up a lunch date with her. I found out about the meeting by reading his e-mail. He tells me the reason he hid it from me was because he knew how I felt about her and didn't want to upset me. Now we know that neither one of you has the slightest trust in, or respect for, the other.
we have been arguing about this for months and even if things go well it always seems to come up. Yes, it comes up because you want to keep fighting, and he's already elsewhere. Maybe he wants to keep fighting too. Neither of you wants peace, relaxation, trust, joy and intimacy. You want anger, mistrust, suspicion, blame, victimization.
We have been close to breaking up many times The perfect solution for this non-relationship.
I have asked him to stop talking to her. I don't want them to be friends anymore, but he refuses to You both sound as though you're 12 years old.
[he] tells me that he'll do anything to avoid her, which he has not. ... they are friends on facebook... You have already separated from each other -- from each other's heart, and mind, and spirit. You're living lives that are going in different directions. Get a different apartment, and start a new life.
and I have tried to put it past us No, actually you haven't -- because you keep picking at it, maintaining an open wound, so of course it keeps bleeding. You have not put anything anywhere.
Look him in the eyes, smile warmly, and tell him you enjoyed being with him, and the relationship taught you a lot, and you hope he enjoyed the relationship too. Wish him well. Give him a quick hug. And leave. When you're walking down the street alone, forgive him from the depth of your heart for being someone other than who you wanted him to be. Forgive yourself for anything and everything, for all time.
Get a new apartment, paint the walls, decorate the place, go out with your friends, read, think about how to achieve the meaning of life -- joy. Not being right. Not being taken care of. Joy.
Thanks for all your comments. I just noticed I made a mistake on my original post, it should read "opposite sex freindships"...LOL. I don't know how to edit, but you guys got it.
He tells me it shouldn't matter anymore since he doesn't work with her. He says he's never going to see her again because she doens't live close and that I should just let it go if I want things to work. I just keep holding on hoping I can get over all this and move on, but it just bothers me so much.
Maybe I really should try contacting her. Then again I would feel bad if she is totally innocent to what's going on.
So does that mean if she lived close by he would see her again??
I'm sorry but he seems like a jerk. And if it isn't her then it will be someone else.
Maybe you should find out why he held their friendship in such high regards. And ask him how he would feel if the situation was reverse.
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