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I have tried putting this past us. Things get better for a while, but when the girl's name comes up or I see any communication between them I get so angry and hurt. When he told me it wasn't necessary for him to put an end to the friendship I told him I could take care of it. It did crossed my mind to call her or shoot her an e-mail, but then I thought, it wouldn't change things. He did what he did and has not fixed it.
He tells me I am acting like he cheated on me and I remind him that I decided to give the relationship another chance because it never got that far. But what were his intentions?
It also crosses my mind what that lady was thinking every time she called him or texted him. We just have different views on relationships I guess because if I know a man is in a committed relationship and lives with his partner I would think twice about calling his phone when he's home, I would worry about what his wife/girlfriend would think. Then again he permitted it so I am sure she thought it was all good.
What you're experiencing is jealousy. You can't handle your BF giving his attention to another female.
The age old saying is true... you can't change a person. This is a topic that your BF isn't going to change no matter how much you want to push him to do so. You'll lose him over this before he'll stand down to your demands.
From what it sounds like, he initially kept the relationship open to you. You declined, you weren't comfortable. If there was something going on, you would have been kept out of the loop. So how does that justify him giving up on a friendship?
If this was a male friend, would your feelings be any different?
Aside from making lunch plans that you weren't aware of, which in reality IS an innocent attempt at catching up with a friend, has he given you any other reason to suspect otherwise?
There needs to be a compromise. No one will win this battle, and there should be no one losing entirely, either. I see nothing wrong with the friendship as long as certain ground rules are established and maintained. Its up to you to come up with the rules, it is up to him to maintain the rules. The rules need to be fair. Yes, men and women can be "just friends" - I know, I am a married female with a couple very good male friends (that are not friends of my husbands). It is up to your SO to work with you to make this a doable situation.
What you're experiencing is jealousy. You can't handle your BF giving his attention to another female.
The age old saying is true... you can't change a person. This is a topic that your BF isn't going to change no matter how much you want to push him to do so. You'll lose him over this before he'll stand down to your demands.
From what it sounds like, he initially kept the relationship open to you. You declined, you weren't comfortable. If there was something going on, you would have been kept out of the loop. So how does that justify him giving up on a friendship?
If this was a male friend, would your feelings be any different?
Aside from making lunch plans that you weren't aware of, which in reality IS an innocent attempt at catching up with a friend, has he given you any other reason to suspect otherwise?
There needs to be a compromise. No one will win this battle, and there should be no one losing entirely, either. I see nothing wrong with the friendship as long as certain ground rules are established and maintained. Its up to you to come up with the rules, it is up to him to maintain the rules. The rules need to be fair. Yes, men and women can be "just friends" - I know, I am a married female with a couple very good male friends (that are not friends of my husbands). It is up to your SO to work with you to make this a doable situation.
Don't you think that friendship becomes a problem when he starts lying to her??
If it was a male friend do you really think he would have kept it a secret??
What do you guys think about same sex friendships?
I have been living with my boyfriend for 3 years. Our relationship isn't perfect, but which one is? Overall he is a very sweet guy, but in the last year and a half he became very close to a female co-worker of his. I have to admit it bothered me when I found out he started having communications with her outside of work. I didn't understand why they had to speak to each other over the phone when they saw each other everyday.
I tried my best and did my part to welcome her as his "friend", but didn't feel comfortable being around her and asked him to please not set up any meetings with her because I didn't want to be put in that situation again. This past year has been rough for us. He lost his job, I was diagnosed with cancer (fine now) so he doesn't work with her anymore, but he kept the relationship going regardless of how I felt about it.
What made the situation worse was when he tried to hide the fact he set up a lunch date with her. I found out about the meeting by reading his e-mail. He tells me the reason he hid it from me was because he knew how I felt about her and didn't want to upset me.
Anyway, to not make this any longer we have been arguing about this for months and even if things go well it always seems to come up. We have been close to breaking up many times because this has brought up trust issues. I have asked him to stop talking to her. I don't want them to be friends anymore, but he refuses to and tells me that he'll do anything to avoid her, which he has not. He has a new job, she has his work e-mail, they are friends on facebook and I have tried to put it past us, but he really is not helping. Perhaps I am making a big deal out of this? After all they are "just friends".
In my opinion, you AND your BF are both at fault.
You are at fault for not trusting him having an opposite-gender friendship, EVEN AFTER he MADE EFFORTS TO GET YOU AND THE FEMALE FRIEND TO GET together.
He is ALSO at fault for going behind your back and telling you he has NOT been in contact w/ her, but in actually still is.
He needs to stop running around and hiding his friendship away from you, even if the excuse is to "spare you from getting upset".
YOU, my dear, need to stop worrying about which female he talks to. Don't whip him around like how some women try to control their men.
One thing to determine this is to ask YOURSELF: would you LIKE it if HE tells you that you cannot be friends w/ a person because that friend is a guy?
Put yourself in his shoes, and tell me if you would feel the same way.
I don't think you're making too big a deal out of it. Once you're married/in a committed relationship, men and women can't be friends, that's my honest opinion. I don't have any male friends, nor would I ever dream of getting one. It's inappropriate. And you've asked him to stop being her friend and he won't--that's a huge trust violation right there. This would bother me immensely too. There's no reason that he should disregard your feelings of asking him to stop seeing her. Your spouse/partner should come first. If your spouse/partner asks you to stop doing something that is hurting you, they should do it. Your boyfriend is overstepping a lot of boundaries here. What he's doing is not appropriate and is hurtful. I guess you need to decide now whether you want to still be with him and put up with the hurt you feel about his friendship, or if you want to break it off with him. It seems like if he's doing something like this now, what will he do if you two get married?
Wow, talk about making your circle of friends REAL small!
Yes, I will admit that I am a bit jealous, which is a normal emotion. I also believe I deserve some consideration and respect because that is what I have given him. He has friends of the opposite sex that have been in the picture longer than I have and I've had to accept that. He's exchanged e-mails wiht other females from work, but this time it was different. This time he kept it from me as long as he could. Unfortunately I care a lot about him and this makes it harder for me to make a decision as far as staying with him. I am hurt and disappointed because I never expected any lies from him.
It would love to hear him say that he's willing to do what it takes to make it better, that he's willing to tell her that he can't talk to her anymore because is affecting our relationship and making me sad. I don't understand, he's only known her for a year or so. Why is it so hard for him to do this?
Don't you think that friendship becomes a problem when he starts lying to her??
If it was a male friend do you really think he would have kept it a secret??
No
Yes
1. He kept it a secret to "keep peace" at home. He didn't want to deal with the argument that was sure to come if she had known he had made plans with someone his GF didn't approve of, he'd have to deal with the argument. It was most likely seen as a harmless "what she doesn't know won't hurt her" decision which he didn't succeed in pulling off.
And c'mon, ladies... lets admit it here. We tell "white lies" all the time to our partners. The never need to know how much small luxeries really cost or who we might treat to lunch if money is tight. Heck, first thing my aunt told me once I was dating - Shhh! What he doesn't know won't hurt him! Women are the biggest hypocrits! We justify our small white lies, but then cry foul when we catch our man doing the same thing. A lie is still a lie, whether it was about how much you spent on Foo-Foo at the pet store, how much that shirt really cost, or who you had lunch with. A lie is still a lie.
2. I had an ex that had a guy friend that I really did not care for. The guy friend treated me crappy and always attempted to get him to "have fun on the side." Yes, my ex would lie to me about his planned outings with this particular guy friend.
It could easily be the same reason why it is so hard to ask me to step away from one of my good male friends. Yes, his friendship has ruffled feathers at home. But, we had to come to a joint understanding of the friendship.
He has some sort of common ground with her on an interest level that he just doesn't feel with you. Partners do not always provideevery single need of each other on an entertainment or intellectual level.
You want your answer ... ask him. He has the answers. Just be prepared for the answers you ask for, whichever they are.
It could easily be the same reason why it is so hard to ask me to step away from one of my good male friends. Yes, his friendship has ruffled feathers at home. But, we had to come to a joint understanding of the friendship.
He has some sort of common ground with her on an interest level that he just doesn't feel with you. Partners do not always provideevery single need of each other on an entertainment or intellectual level.
You want your answer ... ask him. He has the answers. Just be prepared for the answers you ask for, whichever they are.
Well then if there's something that she offers him that I can't he should leave me alone and be with her. I have told him multiple times he needs to be honest with himself and find out what he really wants. Maybe he hasn't found what he wants in me or he is not ready to be in a committed relationship because he still wants to meet different women. Then again I don't understand why he stays. The place is mind so if someone needs to leave is him. It is not fair to me to endure this and I do feel that if he really cares he would do whatever it takes to make this work.
Well then if there's something that she offers him that I can't he should leave me alone and be with her. I have told him multiple times he needs to be honest with himself and find out what he really wants. Maybe he hasn't found what he wants in me or he is not ready to be in a committed relationship because he still wants to meet different women. Then again I don't understand why he stays. The place is mind so if someone needs to leave is him. It is not fair to me to endure this and I do feel that if he really cares he would do whatever it takes to make this work.
My dear, you shouldn't jump into conclusions to think that whatever your BF needs out of his friendship w/ this female is "sexual". Since he met this female at his previous work, I can bet you that the "level of common interest" that he shares w/ this woman is.. well... CAREER. The career that, most likely, and UNFORTUNATELY for you, he AND YOU don't share the same interest.
You and him and talk all you want about his career, but this female "gets it" w/o him having to tell her everything about whatever is going on in his career. They consider themselves as professional confidantes, something that, unfortunately for you, you are not of.
You may want to ask yourself: what is it about HER that makes you feel uncomfortable of him being friends w/ her? Just because they talk outside of work does not mean you should tell him not to. Just so you know, there are people out there, of opposite genders, that still talk to each other outside of work EVEN after they quit the company they used to both work for. It's called NETWORKING.
I don't think that men and women should be friends if they are in relationships with other people. Your SO is supposed to be your best friend, not be searching elsewhere for a friend of the opposite sex. Emotional affairs can be just as destructive as other things.
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