Issues with my marriage (how to, problems, relation, people)

[Claire_F]

You've taken a huge step in the right direction. Communication is so important in marriage and family, and after reading this post and remembering your previous posts, I can see how the lack of it has hurt all of you. Remember, you don't have to take on everything yourself. You're a team - and your kids are old enough to not only know they can't have every luxury, but also to be able to help wherever possible. In fact, it will be very good for them later, when they're living on their own.

Now you can accomplish this as a team, and it can make your relationship even stronger. I'm very happy for you that you've had such a positive response from your family.

[beckycat]

Originally Posted by Leilani Vasquez

The car is in my husband's name, not mine.

I went over a lot of the numbers this morning. I sat and had a heart to heart with my husband. We agreed to cut down on some of our expenses. He also agreed to give me his paychecks and deposit it into our bank account so i'll have full control over paying the bills (we have 3 different accounts). We then sat down with the kids and asked what they could sacrifice. We all agreed to reduce our cable to basic extended instead of having all of the channels. We're cutting our T-mobile plan and thought about getting the kids on minute plans (has anyone ever done that). They agreed to work for minutes on chores around the house. I specifically want this to be a family effort instead of all of it falling on my shoulders all the time. I showed my husband all of the bills and even though I tell him what I pay, he honestly didn't realize that much money was going towards bills. He's agreeing to work with me.

I'm glad that I sat down with him. Maybe my problem is i'm "whining"(yes i am) too much and expect everyone to read my mind. I always thought that I was strong. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I can't think that I could take everything on like I have.

Thank you to EVERYONE.. thank you for your advice.

Glad the advice was helpful! My husband has no clue what the bills are either, he says where did it all go. I don't spend any exta money on myself. I have to sit down and put it all on paper so he can see it. The prepaid plans for kids are OK. I think, though, if you can all agree on less minutes, like 700, you can get a family plan alot less expensive with the additional phones at $10/ piece. ($50, first line and $10 each additional and tax) At&t has rollover minutes too. You can bargain with the companies also to get better deals. I used to use tracfone for my kids, when they first got their phones and it worked well. My sister uses it and pays about $25/ month for 2 phones. There's also Jitterbug, but be careful b/c they charge for all the extras.

[anadyr21]

Glad to hear your family is communicating and you have a plan of attack. Keep us updated.

[asitshouldbe]

He should find a better job or maybe a second job. I guess I must have old fashioned ideas, I think the man should make more money. The man is usually the financial backbone of the family and he should do what he needs to and support his family.

[DenverLawGal]

Wow, I'm so glad that your talk went over well. You must have raised some good kids for them to offer to help out around the house.

My DH is out of the loop too on bills, which is why I suggested the spreadsheet method. I do one for every month, basically just copy it from the month before but adjust balances. Then I routinely give him a copy so he can see where we are in debt and savings and such

I don't think you are whining, you are just reaching out. I wish you the best of luck!!

Originally Posted by Leilani Vasquez

The car is in my husband's name, not mine.

I went over a lot of the numbers this morning. I sat and had a heart to heart with my husband. We agreed to cut down on some of our expenses. He also agreed to give me his paychecks and deposit it into our bank account so i'll have full control over paying the bills (we have 3 different accounts). We then sat down with the kids and asked what they could sacrifice. We all agreed to reduce our cable to basic extended instead of having all of the channels. We're cutting our T-mobile plan and thought about getting the kids on minute plans (has anyone ever done that). They agreed to work for minutes on chores around the house. I specifically want this to be a family effort instead of all of it falling on my shoulders all the time. I showed my husband all of the bills and even though I tell him what I pay, he honestly didn't realize that much money was going towards bills. He's agreeing to work with me.

I'm glad that I sat down with him. Maybe my problem is i'm "whining"(yes i am) too much and expect everyone to read my mind. I always thought that I was strong. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I can't think that I could take everything on like I have.

Thank you to EVERYONE.. thank you for your advice.

[Leilani Vasquez]

Originally Posted by asitshouldbe

He should find a better job or maybe a second job. I guess I must have old fashioned ideas, I think the man should make more money. The man is usually the financial backbone of the family and he should do what he needs to and support his family.

I strongly agree with you on this one. He's agreed to make more of an effort to stop complaining and start looking for something different.

[SomeThings]

Glad to read your update post (thats for providing one, BTW) and think it's pretty terrific your entire family is involved in the problem-solving process. What a great way to empower your kids! (And to help your husband see the reality of your situation.)

Re: the "whining" -- I think it's ok to whine when we have something to whine about (seems appropriate in this case), but not stay in the whining mode for too long... I've never had much luck with mind-reading in EITHER direction, so have switched to asking for what I want. (My trouble comes when I ask and I STILL don't get it! )
I think that asking for help when you need it IS a sign of strength.

[Claire_F]

I don't consider it whining in this case - I consider it venting. A lot of people whine without doing something about the problem. Leilani clearly took steps to solve the problem, and the fact that her entire family is on board to help is a great thing.

[Leilani Vasquez]

Originally Posted by Claire_F

I don't consider it whining in this case - I consider it venting. A lot of people whine without doing something about the problem. Leilani clearly took steps to solve the problem, and the fact that her entire family is on board to help is a great thing.

Thanks Claire (hugs).

Things seem to be going much better. My husband agreed that we should seek therapy as well and I'm in the process of finding someone as we speak.

I came home from work yesterday and he had cleaned the entire kitchen and started doing laundry...boy was i impressed.

He's also expressed to me that he wants to start classes for welding. If he did this, he could make twice as what he makes now at more stable hours.
His job would be very flexible with him while he does this and I don't think the training lasts very long. He said he's just lost his passion for cooking.

[DenverLawGal]

Welding is a good skill to obtain. Don't forget to give him lots of positivity re: therapy and cleaning the house. Maybe do something nice for him. The therapy will help a lot. It's like having a third set of ears listen to you guys and give you an honest opinion with no ulterior motives. Good luck!