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Old 09-21-2008, 08:53 PM
 
17 posts, read 37,787 times
Reputation: 13

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Quote:
Originally Posted by houstoner View Post
Uh huh, okay. I base my opinion on the fact that you said your girlfriend is really "hott" and cute, but you don't like having "seks" with her, yet you wonder if you should get married. And pray tell, how do you end up dating women you don't like? You don't know what you want. You sound like one of these guys looking for a trophy wife, like women are interchangeable and there to please and amuse you. There is nothing of substance in your post suggesting you should be thinking about settling down with anyone anytime soon.
She is beautiful. But at the same time, I do not like having sex with her. otherwise, I like hanging out with her. I dont believe in getting married to anyone, if the permanent attraction is not there. It was a one night stand that just kinda happened (wasnt my goal that night), i then decided to go on a couple dates with her, and she started stalking me. Calling 10-20 times a night, coming over and buzzing my apartment over and over until i answer the door. I dont think i am "shallow", but I think I have a right to pick the best girl for me, or be at least attracted to the woman I am going to marry, and enjoy/look forward to having sex with her, instead of feeling like its a chore. I just dont like breaking girls' hearts.
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Old 09-21-2008, 08:55 PM
 
17 posts, read 37,787 times
Reputation: 13
Quote:
Originally Posted by Huckleberry3911948 View Post
being weak is not good but seeing your weaknesses is great wisdom. but go see a counselor if you think its a problem.
for people that get people addictions counseling & 12 step programs are great.
do not move in. back away dont break up 1 lane changes work.
hang in there guy.
Thanks for the encouragement and yes, maybe I do need to see a counselor.

My brother told me that he has intimacy issues, and thinks I may have them as well. He sayd his counselor told him that these stem from an anger issue that he has with our mother (our mother was semi-abusive to us, she was angry at *her* father and took her anger out on us a lot, even tho she loved us). So maybe, I really should go see someone about this.
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Old 09-21-2008, 09:00 PM
 
Location: Los Angeles
754 posts, read 1,445,701 times
Reputation: 710
I think you have valid reasons for not wanting to be with her, mental stability and sexual compatibility are very important. I'm not sure why you're posting this though. You're 35 (so am I) so you should be very comfortable with making your own decisions and not doing what others tell you i.e., marry her. At the end of the day it'll be you getting divorced not your brother. So as far as I'm concerned his opinion means nothing. To be honest you do sound very immature, what do you mean you can't leave her? Are you afraid because she's a stalker (btw, the fact that you're calling her a stalker clearly means you're not seriously considering marrying this girl, and if you are then well that would be that whole immaturity thing).

My advice to you is similiar to your brothers, you need to man up. You are a grown man who should be capable of making decisions on his own (and not doing what his brother or gf tells him to). Seriously, I was blown away when you said you were 35. I guess men really do mature at a much slower rate than women.
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Old 09-21-2008, 09:03 PM
 
Location: Somewhere out there...
3,663 posts, read 8,636,598 times
Reputation: 3750
Run for the hills!
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Old 09-21-2008, 09:08 PM
 
Location: Beautiful New England
2,412 posts, read 7,157,828 times
Reputation: 3072
Quote:
Originally Posted by Chop_Chop_Sucka View Post
And hence, here I am, Im 35 and still not married....What are your thoughts on the situation with this girl?
Well, I see two problems here: her AND you.

First her: her smothering behavior is obviously a big problem, and it's clear that it's a big turn off. She sounds much too clingy and immature.

But there's another problem just as big: YOU. You would consider not marrying someone because she doesn't have big boobs and that she has public hair. How shallower could you be? Such things are deal-breaker important only to guys who are superficial and immature. Not all men think like you. Many of us realize that breasts -- while certainly attractive accessories -- are not a big deal deal in the grand scheme of things (and some of us actually like 'em normal sized or small). And what will you do when those breasts sag in 20 years...or get out of shape after pregnancy and/or breastfeeding...or are removed or deformed after a round or two of breast cancer? Oh yeah, I forgot: you haven't thought that far down the road...

That these things are high on your list of importance is childish, apropos of a junior high school kid. You say nothing about her character, integrity, kindness toward others, intelligence, honesty, ambition, industriousness, etc. And have you talked to her about what you would like her to do in bed? And asked her what she would like you to do? I suppose you realize that sex for most folks isn't like in the porn films -- i.e. screaming in (faux) ecstasy while doing it upside down on a pool table.

And to top it all off you're indecisive about marriage? You can't decide whether to marry someone you don't want to spend time with? Are you out of your mind???

Based upon what you've told us you have no business getting married to her or anyone else, at least until you have reached puberty, turned 18, and finished high school...
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Old 09-21-2008, 09:08 PM
 
17 posts, read 37,787 times
Reputation: 13
Quote:
Originally Posted by LovelyinLa View Post
I think you have valid reasons for not wanting to be with her, mental stability and sexual compatibility are very important. I'm not sure why you're posting this though. You're 35 (so am I) so you should be very comfortable with making your own decisions and not doing what others tell you i.e., marry her. At the end of the day it'll be you getting divorced not your brother. So as far as I'm concerned his opinion means nothing. To be honest you do sound very immature, what do you mean you can't leave her? Are you afraid because she's a stalker (btw, the fact that you're calling her a stalker clearly means you're not seriously considering marrying this girl, and if you are then well that would be that whole immaturity thing).

My advice to you is similiar to your brothers, you need to man up. You are a grown man who should be capable of making decisions on his own (and not doing what his brother or gf tells him to). Seriously, I was blown away when you said you were 35. I guess men really do mature at a much slower rate than women.
Well, regarding maturity levels, it is hard to convey a lot of things on message boards, and it is not possible to present the entire picture here, so I can understand where it would appear that I am immature. But, on message boards, you lose a lot of nuance that normally would be conveyed with face-to-face conversation.

Regarding her behavior, I dont really know how to describe it other than "stalker". I guess she doesnt really stalk me, but more like, "pestered" me with the non-stop phone calls when I wouldnt answer the phone, buzzing, text message terrorism, etc. But the reason I let her do this to me, is I am a very compassionate person and this has been my weak spot with relationships. I am always trying to better people's lives when they come in contact with me and maybe I have paid a price for that.

But I would not say that just because I want to be attracted to the person that I am attracted to, makes me immature or shallow; for example, I am not really attracted to women who are too overweight, or too "flat chested" (they look like little boys without a shirt on and it is disturbing to me). Just like, some women prefer to date "only tall guys", etc. They are not shallow, they are entitled to date/marry guys who they are attracted to, why cant men do the same as well?
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Old 09-21-2008, 09:09 PM
 
Location: Finally escaped The People's Republic of California
11,258 posts, read 8,621,149 times
Reputation: 6390
Ditch her.... Don't Marry her, When you meet the girl to Marry, You'll know it..
I've been Married 27 years and to this day would step in front of a train for my wife......
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Old 09-21-2008, 09:10 PM
 
Location: from houstoner to bostoner to new yorker to new jerseyite ;)
4,084 posts, read 12,638,709 times
Reputation: 1973
Quote:
Originally Posted by professorsenator View Post
Well, I see two problems here: her AND you.

First her: her smothering behavior is obviously a big problem, and it's clear that it's a big turn off. She sounds much too clingy and immature.

But here's the bigger problem: YOU. You would consider not marrying someone because she doesn't have big boobs and that she has public hair. How shallower could you be? Such things are only important only to guys who are superficial and immature. Not all men think like you. Many of us realize that breasts -- while certainly attractive accessories -- are not a big deal deal in the grand scheme of things (and some of us actually like 'em normal sized or small) And what will you do when those breasts sag in 20 years...or get out of shape after pregnancy and/or breastfeeding...or are removed or deformed after a round or two of breast cancer? Oh yeah, I forgot: you haven't thought that far down the road...

That these things are high on your list of importance is childish, apropos of a junior high school kid. You say nothing about her character, integrity, kindness toward others, intelligence, honesty, ambition, industriousness, etc. And have you talked to her about what you would like her to do in bed? And aksed her what she would like oyu to do? I suppose you realize that sex for most folks isn't like in the porn films -- i.e. screaming in (faux) ecstasy while doing it upside down on a pool table.

And to top it all off you're indecisive about marriage? You can't deicde whether to marry soneone you don't want to spend time with? Are you out of your mind???

Based upon what you've told us you have no business getting married to her or anyone else, at least until you have reached puberty, turned 18, and finished high school...
My sentiments EXACTLY!
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Old 09-21-2008, 09:13 PM
 
Location: down the shore
174 posts, read 454,583 times
Reputation: 225
Default If you've been thinking about it, it should have already been done.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Chop_Chop_Sucka View Post
She is beautiful. But at the same time, I do not like having sex with her. otherwise, I like hanging out with her. I dont believe in getting married to anyone, if the permanent attraction is not there. It was a one night stand that just kinda happened (wasnt my goal that night), i then decided to go on a couple dates with her, and she started stalking me. Calling 10-20 times a night, coming over and buzzing my apartment over and over until i answer the door. .

Option #1 - End it. Move and/or get a restraining order. Enjoy the rest of your life.

Option #2 - Marry her, have a bevy of children you didn't want with her in the first place, cheat on her because you are miserable, get divorced, pay alimony and child support. Carry the baggage the rest of your life.


(Secret clue: The goal of life is to enjoy it.)
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Old 09-21-2008, 09:17 PM
 
17 posts, read 37,787 times
Reputation: 13
Quote:
Originally Posted by professorsenator View Post
Well, I see two problems here: her AND you.

First her: her smothering behavior is obviously a big problem, and it's clear that it's a big turn off. She sounds much too clingy and immature.

But a problem just as big: YOU. You would consider not marrying someone because she doesn't have big boobs and that she has public hair. How shallower could you be? Such things are deal-breaker important only to guys who are superficial and immature. Not all men think like you. Many of us realize that breasts -- while certainly attractive accessories -- are not a big deal deal in the grand scheme of things (and some of us actually like 'em normal sized or small). And what will you do when those breasts sag in 20 years...or get out of shape after pregnancy and/or breastfeeding...or are removed or deformed after a round or two of breast cancer? Oh yeah, I forgot: you haven't thought that far down the road...

That these things are high on your list of importance is childish, apropos of a junior high school kid. You say nothing about her character, integrity, kindness toward others, intelligence, honesty, ambition, industriousness, etc. And have you talked to her about what you would like her to do in bed? And asked her what she would like you to do? I suppose you realize that sex for most folks isn't like in the porn films -- i.e. screaming in (faux) ecstasy while doing it upside down on a pool table.

And to top it all off you're indecisive about marriage? You can't decide whether to marry someone you don't want to spend time with? Are you out of your mind???

Based upon what you've told us you have no business getting married to her or anyone else, at least until you have reached puberty, turned 18, and finished high school...
Yes I know what you are saying and yes I have thought about that, it is hard to say ALL of the things that have gone through my mind here with this, because it is just not possible to type it all here!

I guess the reason I was considering all of this, was because I thought one day "maybe I should give her a chance to love me, because maybe I AM looking for too much and I have an unrealistic expectation about love".
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