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Old 09-24-2008, 02:46 PM
 
650 posts, read 3,706,740 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Novamom06 View Post
My ex husband also worked a lot, most every evening, and I was home alone after work. After spending a couple years kind of "in waiting" and a little sad, I started digging into my career and eventually went to grad school.
Yes, this is exactly how I feel. And no, we don't need my salary, which is why I have a bit of flexibility in terms of what I do every day. That's why it doesn't make a lot of sense to me to find another crappy job, like the one I'm currently in and have been in.

The problem is because the career I want to be in requires a license, I don't know any way to find a job where I would be doing what I really want to be doing, since I don't have a degree/license in that discipline. I am applying to grad programs currently, but I may not be able to start until the fall, so that is another year potentially of not really having work that I like. It would be easier if I wanted a career in, say, marketing--I could easily find an entry-level job in that field and work my way up. But my career plans are such that my chosen career requires a license, so no one is going to hire me for a position that requires a license.

Right now I'm working in my general field, but I do not like the particular job at all. I've looked around and even applied to some jobs recently, but they're really not what I want to do. So that is the main problem. However, I've found a couple of volunteering positions online that I'm going to apply to, because I think I'll be able to maybe do a little of what I'm interested in that way. But I still need to work on being more independent from my hubby.
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Old 09-24-2008, 03:00 PM
 
Location: Bradenton, Florida
27,238 posts, read 25,950,647 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by doglover29 View Post
I am starting to realize that I'm too dependent on my husband. Does anyone else feel this way? I realized tonight how large this problem has become. A big part of it is I just don't feel comfortable in my city--we moved here two years ago and it still doesn't feel like home and I don't know my way around. Another big part of it is that my husband is gone a lot, and I am alone all the time and have no one to call if there's a problem--and this makes me very anxious. Also, I'm very far from family, which also makes me feel a bit anxious.

The funny thing is that I'd lived on my own for four years after college before moving in with my husband, so I have experience living on my own in a new city, living alone in my own place, and being completely independent. But for some reason now I no longer have the self-confidence to be independent like I used to be, and I don't know how to get that back.

Anyone else experience something similar?
There's nothing wrong with feeling dependent on your spouse--as a man OR a woman. Because you should feel like you can depend on each other. If you want to be "independent" why would you be in a relationship? I think that's part of the problem with marriages today--people want to be separate but together. You can't have it both ways!
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Old 09-24-2008, 03:33 PM
 
Location: Happiness is found inside your smile :)
3,177 posts, read 9,899,706 times
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Sorry - don't have this problem

My problem is I was "I" for so long and I'm highly independent that I don't let it be "We" too often and make my husband feel like I don't need my husband.

I've had the hardest time trying to "share" our life together.
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Old 09-24-2008, 03:40 PM
YBF
 
Location: Atlanta, Ga
1,260 posts, read 2,040,561 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TKramar View Post
There's nothing wrong with feeling dependent on your spouse--as a man OR a woman. Because you should feel like you can depend on each other. If you want to be "independent" why would you be in a relationship? I think that's part of the problem with marriages today--people want to be separate but together. You can't have it both ways!
You should be able to depend on your spouse but when you become too dependent on another you forget how to manage on your own. What if your spouse was to leave you or maybe pass away.....Are you then supposed to become independent? Are you then supposed to know how? IMO, whether you are in a relationship or not you still need to know how to take care of yourself. You never know what tomorrow will bring. And I refuse to be the woman left with nothing because I gave it all to another.


All Im trying to say is have a plan B. Have a joint account and a rainy day fund......if you are a stay at home parent go to school in your free time....make sure you have a backup plan outside of the relationship because you cant say how another will feel 5, 10, 15 years later...you just cant
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Old 09-24-2008, 04:08 PM
 
Location: Bradenton, Florida
27,238 posts, read 25,950,647 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by YBF View Post
You should be able to depend on your spouse but when you become too dependent on another you forget how to manage on your own. What if your spouse was to leave you or maybe pass away.....Are you then supposed to become independent? Are you then supposed to know how? IMO, whether you are in a relationship or not you still need to know how to take care of yourself. You never know what tomorrow will bring. And I refuse to be the woman left with nothing because I gave it all to another.


All Im trying to say is have a plan B. Have a joint account and a rainy day fund......if you are a stay at home parent go to school in your free time....make sure you have a backup plan outside of the relationship because you cant say how another will feel 5, 10, 15 years later...you just cant
You hear of these old couples where one spouse passes away, and within six months, sometimes within a few weeks, the other one dies.

Why is it? Are they incapable of living without the other person, or do they just not want to?

We've lost that, with our quick and easy divorces.
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Old 09-24-2008, 04:35 PM
YBF
 
Location: Atlanta, Ga
1,260 posts, read 2,040,561 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TKramar View Post
You hear of these old couples where one spouse passes away, and within six months, sometimes within a few weeks, the other one dies.

Why is it? Are they incapable of living without the other person, or do they just not want to?

We've lost that, with our quick and easy divorces.

I really cant explain why that happens. But also that is not what I speaking of. When I spoke of depending too much it was not emotionally....It was more of in every other way. I believe you should Emotionally NEED your partner....but thats as far as that goes. What I was trying to express is that just because you are in a relationship or you are married you should still have you own life....do things that you enjoy...take care of yourself (emotionally, financially, spiritually), just be happy with yourself. You are still an individual you cant be in your spouses back pocket or attached at the hip to them. For all you know you could be by yourself again in the near future. Should you then give up on life? I dont think so..but thats just me. Life is meant to be lived....and sometimes you got to lead and not just follow.
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Old 09-24-2008, 04:39 PM
YBF
 
Location: Atlanta, Ga
1,260 posts, read 2,040,561 times
Reputation: 553
Quote:
Originally Posted by TKramar View Post
You hear of these old couples where one spouse passes away, and within six months, sometimes within a few weeks, the other one dies.

Why is it? Are they incapable of living without the other person, or do they just not want to?

We've lost that, with our quick and easy divorces.
But also about the quick divorces I think that is because ppl dont spend enough time gettingto know each other...they just into things for that reason exactly..."I can just get divorced" If i get married i would hope to stay that way but if I cant... I cant. But it wont be to someone I met of the internet after only 3 mos. or someone Ive dated for a few months in any case. I plan to get to know who that person is and be HONEST with myself enough to know if thats what I want and am ready for...but thats just me.
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Old 09-24-2008, 04:55 PM
 
Location: Bradenton, Florida
27,238 posts, read 25,950,647 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by YBF View Post
I really cant explain why that happens. But also that is not what I speaking of. When I spoke of depending too much it was not emotionally....It was more of in every other way. I believe you should Emotionally NEED your partner....but thats as far as that goes. What I was trying to express is that just because you are in a relationship or you are married you should still have you own life....do things that you enjoy...take care of yourself (emotionally, financially, spiritually), just be happy with yourself. You are still an individual you cant be in your spouses back pocket or attached at the hip to them. For all you know you could be by yourself again in the near future. Should you then give up on life? I dont think so..but thats just me. Life is meant to be lived....and sometimes you got to lead and not just follow.

But I think that both spouses should be INTERdependent on each other. Work as a team, find someone who has skills and abilities that you don't.

I'm glad that my s.o. wants to drive. I don't. She says she'll work with tools, but won't do anything electrical. I used to be an electrician in the Navy...and although I might need a little refresher, I can do basic simple repairs, or rewire a light fixture.
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Old 09-24-2008, 05:03 PM
 
1,577 posts, read 2,310,013 times
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Hmm, I agree, but men give up things too. They certainly can't continue to live the bachelor life when they are married. Certain hobbys or things they do usually have to stop or be lessened unless they want constant nagging or arguing with the wife.

Both sides give things up, compromise and start new habits independently or together, or it doesn't work.

Example: Wanna play video games or read a good book or whatever without disturbing anyone or getting disturbed? Compromise, get up 2 hours early before everyone is up and have some "me" time. That way no ones inconvenienced and nothing is getting neglected.

OP: I hope it works out. Find some groups at a local library, volunteer for PTA or other things. You'll meet people that way. Get to know his friends' wives. Something like that.

Quote:
Originally Posted by YBF View Post
Alot of women are in your situation...being too dependent. Ii dont know what happends to women once they decide to go from "I" to "We". Dont get me wrong its good for people to become "we" but most women I know just totally give thenselves up just to be in a "we" situation. Maybe its in our DNA or something because I dont see this happen to guys alot. Usually they maintain their lives in a relationship. Its usually women giving things up in order to make it work. Did you want to move to the city you currently live in? Or was that just the easier thing to do? Do you want to leave this city? Have you expressed this to your husband? Maybe you just need to be in an environment that is good for you. Maybe the city you are in youve out grown and you need to be closer to those you love.
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Old 09-24-2008, 05:05 PM
 
25,170 posts, read 33,142,835 times
Reputation: 6678
To quote John McCain "lighten up and get a life" regarding if you are too dependent on your spouse.
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