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Old 12-04-2008, 12:11 PM
 
Location: Beautiful New England
2,413 posts, read 4,497,269 times
Reputation: 2923
Quote:
Originally Posted by Greenlabs View Post
I am in the same shoes as the orginal poster....
So with this in mind, where do you find married looking for married?
Are there are dating sites for the married?....
Go to this website:
Married Dating & Affairs | The Ashley Madison Agency
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Old 12-04-2008, 12:17 PM
 
Location: USA
2,130 posts, read 1,452,917 times
Reputation: 3503
Professorsenator: What's the latest with your situation? I don't think you have mentioned in a while if things have gotten better? I certainly hope so, you seem like a really nice guy.
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Old 12-04-2008, 12:19 PM
 
Location: Transition Island
947 posts, read 1,366,134 times
Reputation: 333
Quote:
Originally Posted by professorsenator View Post
I would argue that it is not abuse; it is, rather, neglect.



That's correct. But your statement here assumes that all "abuse" is created equal. It is not. No abuse is right, of course, but physical abuse is the most serious and egregious form of abuse, certainly more so than verbal. Dereliction of spousal duty in terms of having sex is wrong, but it is simply not the same as physical abuse.



It is indeed usually not considered honorable to cheat. But unless one is a simplistic absolutist (and though some are, many aren't) infidelity is sometimes understandable and may have multiple benefits in some circumstances. Thus, jumping to a quick or purist judgment about infidelity being always wrong is a fools errand. And for that reason many people are not as quick to judge.

I would disagree that refusing to tend to the needs of one's partner is "widely acceptable." It happens all the time, of course. But so does infidelity. And abuse. Yes, such neglect unquestionably may lead to emotional suffering. But equating such neglect with abuse -- especially physical abuse -- is simply deeply flawed thinking.
We can agree to disagree and that is fine with me. I am not into debates regarding my thoughts about this subject matter. I am not in need of having anyone agree with me. IMO to not have my physical needs met by my partner does equate to a form of physical abuse after a certain period of time. It may start off as neglecting my needs, but eventually it can lead to a form of abuse when it no longer happens-yet there is no justified reason for the absence of sex in the marriage. Physically-the other spouse suffers, Emotionally the other spouse suffers, Mentally-the other spouse suffers and Spiritually the other spouse suffers. Did they directly strike out and hit my physical being,- no-but they are neglecting my natural needs and after enough time passes IMO it becomes a form of abuse, especially when they are content with not responding to my needs.

We do not have to share the same views nor will I speak ill of your thoughts, because I am content with my own way of thinking . My thoughts and beliefs do not have to meet a certain standard or criteria for this particular venue. In my professional field and in academia, I may have to meet these standards-but for this venue I am free to think the way I want to and share my thoughts without worrying about pleasing the masses of others who have certain expectations regarding my thoughts. I am beyond comfortable with my own thoughts and my own beliefs.

IMO emotional abuse is the worst, the one you cannot see-but the one which has the most damaging and lingering effects. I do not recall ever saying that they were all equal, but I do know that one form of abuse can effect or lead to another one. WE are just not physical beings. Physical abuse will result in mental and emotional abuse-most times. Sexual abuse is physical abuse and will lead to mental, emotional, and for some spiritual abuse.

To neglect a child's needs is considered child neglect and you can get in trouble for this. There are laws which state that you cannot neglect the needs of your child. To neglect your spouses needs in a marriage leads to what? What are the consequences for the partner who does not want to take care of their partners sexual needs? Infidelity-perhaps?? Yet, we will usually severely scold the one who committed adultery and the person who neglected their spouse will usually get a free pass!! WOW!!!

Last edited by Heaveno; 12-04-2008 at 01:33 PM..
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Old 12-04-2008, 12:29 PM
 
Location: Beautiful New England
2,413 posts, read 4,497,269 times
Reputation: 2923
Quote:
Originally Posted by zman0 View Post
Stay together for the money? First, there's alimony if one side or the other can't support themselves.
Alimony is granted in only a small percentage of divorces and it is highly subjective, based upon court order. Some states (i.e. Texas) didn't even have alimony until very recently, and now only grants it after a marriage of a long time (i.e. 10+ years). Bottom line: alimony is not something that most divorced people can count on.

Quote:
Originally Posted by zman0 View Post
Second, marriage shouldn't be solely about money.
No, it usually isn't. But not considering the financial aspect of divorce -- especially its affect upon children -- is foolish and deeply irresponsible. Divorce is often a significant financial hit for both parties involved

Quote:
Originally Posted by zman0 View Post
Stay together because she loves him? If she loved him, she wouldn't be cheating on him with someone else.
Nonsense. One certainly can love someone and still feel sexual desire for someone else.

Quote:
Originally Posted by zman0 View Post
Otherwise they have a good relationship? I would challenge that. There is no trust between them, there is no commitment to each other.
Again, nonsense. They certainly might trust each other to do right by their kids; to behave in a mature and responsible manner; to do their job well, pay their bills on time, and to help with maintaining a household. Trust involves a lot more that just sexual fidelity. It is complex and multifaceted.

Quote:
Originally Posted by zman0 View Post
Staying together for the kids? A good idea, but if there's no love or trust in the marriage, then the kids will pick up on it, and their emotional development will be skewed.
This is a hide-bound, oft-repeated cliche that is simply not true. Family counselors will tell you that children raised in homes where the parents have no sexual passion between them but are kind, civil, and maintain a stable and good home typically turn out just fine.

Quote:
Originally Posted by zman0 View Post
If there's really nothing wrong with cheating on your spouse, then tell them about it, and let them make that determination....
Another false absolutist position. No one is saying that there is "nothing wrong" with cheating. Of course there is. It is dishonest and duplicitous. But just as exceeding the posted speed limit may be illegal but defensible and understandable in some circumstances, so may a sexual liaison outside of marriage be defensible, understandable, and imminently reasonable behavior in some circumstances.
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Old 12-04-2008, 12:35 PM
 
Location: Transition Island
947 posts, read 1,366,134 times
Reputation: 333
Quote:
Originally Posted by anadyr21 View Post
This is ridiculous. It is not abuse. Sexual neglect, but not abuse, and it's not always intentional either. Are you saying it's acceptable for someone to always request sex and the other person give in every time? That would be quite selfish.There seems to be a very one sided view of this whole issue, the above post, most especially. Yes, it's understandable why someone involved in a sexless marrage would feel neglected, frustrated, and would possibly look to other sources for gratification. However, it sounds as though some people assume the person who isn't "giving it up" is doing so for selfish reasons. You can't expect someone with no interest to all of a sudden drum it up and go at it every day. Sometimes the desire just isn't there, and it has no bearing on how much love is present between the two. Unfortunately, it does happen in some relationships. The question is what are you and your spouse willing to do (or not do) about it. There is going to have to be compromise on both sides to make it work. One of them isn't going to "get any" 4 or 5 times a week and the other may have to give in every so often.I can't agree with choosing to cheat on a spouse who is unwilling to have sex, unless it has been discussed that this is the only way the other's needs can be met, though done discretely. It's still a betrayal of trust. BookLover 21s issue is a bit more complicated, so I'm not singling you out in particular, just the idea of cheating in itself. I am obviously in a sexless marriage, though we have come up with ways to fulfill both both person's needs (hopefully). However, if I ever found out my spouse had cheated, I'm out, no question. It would be a complete betrayal of my trust and of our relationship.
Your response came to quickly. I did not say that it was all intentional. I did mention physical complications or possibly even mental ones could be present. The absence of sex in a marriage should be an agreed upon decision, just like money, just like family trips, etc.

What I really understand is that everyone wants to choose what they want to do and be free to choose to not do what is expected in a marriage. If this is the case then most people need to remain unmarried. Paul (The Apostle) did say that it was not good for everyone to marry. I consider sexual absence in a marriage to be a form of abuse if it is not agreed upon as a normal non-activity in your marriage. Your thoughts are not my thoughts and guess what?? That is a wonderful thing.

For me it is different. I may not feel like it, but I also know the meaning of sacrifice. Is it going to kill me to have sex with my spouse even when I am not in the mood? If my relationship is not based on us making exceptional sacrifices for one another which will not cause either one of us harm, why in the hell would I want to be in one which would?
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Old 12-04-2008, 12:48 PM
 
5 posts, read 4,842 times
Reputation: 10
I must say, I dont understand that at all. I am 41 and my sex drive has quadrupled since I was 18. I am thinking I should she someone to have my drive reduced. I seem to have an incredible drive that my wife definately doesnt appreciate. Im sorry you are going through it
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Old 12-04-2008, 01:05 PM
 
Location: Transition Island
947 posts, read 1,366,134 times
Reputation: 333
Professorsenator stated:

"This is a hide-bound, oft-repeated cliche that is simply not true. Family counselors will tell you that children raised in homes where the parents have no sexual passion between them but are kind, civil, and maintain a stable and good home typically turn out just fine."


There are many schools of thoughts regarding this theory. Children have also been known to do well in families where the parents are divorced, yet they still are civil towards one another and they are very attentive to the child.

Professorsenator stated:
"No, it usually isn't. But not considering the financial aspect of divorce -- especially its affect upon children -- is foolish and deeply irresponsible. Divorce is often a significant financial hit for both parties involved."

In your opinion along with many others, believe me I hear it quite often from those who are usually ones that stay in unhealthy marriages. All children do not suffer from divorce, many have in the past I will admit-but not all children suffer and because of the research not being done as often for these current generations-we are not certain about what the future results may speak to. Researchers seem to be concentrating on more of the single parent households and their effect on children.
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Old 12-05-2008, 05:27 PM
YBF
 
Location: Atlanta, Ga
1,260 posts, read 2,040,561 times
Reputation: 553
Quote:
Originally Posted by zman0 View Post
At the basis of marriage is the agreement between a husband and wife to be faithful to one another.

Once that trust is breached, what is left of marriage?

Stay together for the money? First, there's alimony if one side or the other can't support themselves. Second, marriage shouldn't be solely about money.

Stay together because she loves him? If she loved him, she wouldn't be cheating on him with someone else.

Otherwise they have a good relationship? I would challenge that. There is no trust between them, there is no commitment to eachother. She isn't interested in helping him, but in satisfying her needs. When he tries to do the same, she says that he is the one doing something wrong.

Staying together for the kids? A good idea, but if there's no love or trust in the marriage, then the kids will pick up on it, and their emotional development will be skewed.

Book Lover has indicated that she is willing to sleep with other people to meet her needs, but isn't going to extend the same permission to her husband. She has shown that she doesn't trust him, but expects him to trust her unconditionally. She is afraid of him finding out about her affairs, yet insists that she isn't doing anything wrong.

If there's really nothing wrong with cheating on your spouse, then tell them about it, and let them make that determination. And if you agree there's nothing wrong with cheating, then extend the same to both spouses.

I agree
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Old 12-06-2008, 10:00 PM
 
144 posts, read 25,755 times
Reputation: 13
Quote:
Originally Posted by professorsenator View Post
I heard this site is full of scams and hackers...
adultfriendfinder.com has many more clients,
but again the same problem. You don't know
which ones are phoney posters.
Almost a waste of time don't you think?
Yahoo has been the only site i thought was
legit, but doesn't cater to the married
unfortunately.
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Old 12-06-2008, 10:47 PM
Status: "busy" (set 11 days ago)
 
2,533 posts, read 2,196,852 times
Reputation: 2043
Quote:
Originally Posted by Book Lover 21 View Post
Yes we do. And that issue did come up when we went to marriage counseling. I insisted we get counseling because I found out that he had seen a few prostitutes. This was very painful since he wasn't giving any to me. It turns out he had a Madonna/***** complex where he had my on some kind of pedestal and couldn't imagine doing those nasty things to a pure woman like his wife.
What did he do with the prostitues?
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