Welcome to City-Data.com Forum!
U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Relationships
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old 10-08-2008, 02:59 PM
 
1,072 posts, read 2,696,249 times
Reputation: 509

Advertisements

Quote:
Originally Posted by Hobokenkitchen View Post
I'm not particularly sensitive, just not interested in trying to help someone who flys of the handle and starts yelling and double posting.

But to answer your question... Because my first priority is my husband. Period.
Don't get me wrong, I can disagree with him and think he is flat out wrong, and occassionally take someone elses's side against his.

BUT in this case, she didn't hear the conversation so she has to either believe you, or him. It's a difficult position to be put in for her. It sounds like she has tried to brush it off, but frankly she made a significant error in judgement telling you her husband's thoughts on the matter at all. It could only upset you, and I wonder why she felt it necessary to let you know those things. I wouldn't tell a friend that my husband thought her husband was a racist unless I had a good reason for doing so. I wonder what hers is?

I would take a look at the other post I made, and go that route. Enlist her help with it, rather than issuing a directive. That may be the way to best smooth over the situation.
So .... it's important to you for your husband to not miss a single wedding that you go to in your lifetime?
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 10-08-2008, 03:03 PM
 
3,490 posts, read 8,200,000 times
Reputation: 3971
Like I said here in a previous post:

"Or you could sit down with your friend and explain that you now feel awkward with what has happened between your men, and that you don't want anything to be awkward on your wedding day. Ask her if she thinks he would mind not coming if this hasn't been resolved. Ask her advice and see what she says. At least that way you hopefully don't risk her flying off the handle."

This way you are involving her in the decision making process which may make it easier for her to accept.

I don't want to cast any doubts on your friendship, but it is weird that she told you that stuff which could only upset you and served no useful purpose. You may want to ask her to keep gossip like that to herself unless there is something she feels you would benefit from knowing. I'm not sure how you benefit from knowing what she told you. All it has done is upset you, as it would me.

Some people are like this. My very recent ex friend is now engaged to a guy who is slowly driving wedges between her and everyone else. Now we are no longer friends and it has made me very sad, except that she is behaving appallingly and I really want no part in it. Still sad though.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 10-08-2008, 03:06 PM
 
3,490 posts, read 8,200,000 times
Reputation: 3971
Quote:
Originally Posted by sms0511 View Post
So .... it's important to you for your husband to not miss a single wedding that you go to in your lifetime?
Oh jeez. I have tried to help and give you a bunch of suggestions. Maybe she's looking for an excuse not to have to go to your wedding, and that's why she told you her husbands feelings about your fiance.
You sound like someone who has to be right all the time.

My answer to the question above is that it depends how him not being invited came about. Does that answer your question?
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 10-08-2008, 03:07 PM
 
1,072 posts, read 2,696,249 times
Reputation: 509
Quote:
Originally Posted by Hobokenkitchen View Post
Like I said here in a previous post:

"Or you could sit down with your friend and explain that you now feel awkward with what has happened between your men, and that you don't want anything to be awkward on your wedding day. Ask her if she thinks he would mind not coming if this hasn't been resolved. Ask her advice and see what she says. At least that way you hopefully don't risk her flying off the handle."

This way you are involving her in the decision making process which may make it easier for her to accept.

I don't want to cast any doubts on your friendship, but it is weird that she told you that stuff which could only upset you and served no useful purpose. You may want to ask her to keep gossip like that to herself unless there is something she feels you would benefit from knowing. I'm not sure how you benefit from knowing what she told you. All it has done is upset you, as it would me.

Some people are like this. My very recent ex friend is now engaged to a guy who is slowly driving wedges between her and everyone else. Now we are no longer friends and it has made me very sad, except that she is behaving appallingly and I really want no part in it. Still sad though.
That's right! She told me that she's a very straightforward person, but beats me... why she even said it in the first place... I mean, it would be completely different if the person talking trash about my future hubby is someone that she's not married to, but this is HER HUSBAND.

So how long was your friendship w/ this gal before her fiance took over?
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 10-08-2008, 03:08 PM
 
1,072 posts, read 2,696,249 times
Reputation: 509
Quote:
Originally Posted by Hobokenkitchen View Post
Oh jeez. I have tried to help and give you a bunch of suggestions. Maybe she's looking for an excuse not to have to go to your wedding, and that's why she told you her husbands feelings about your fiance.
You sound like someone who has to be right all the time.

My answer to the question above is that it depends how him not being invited came about. Does that answer your question?

Then why didn't she just say so? Man, I hate people that run around circles.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 10-08-2008, 03:16 PM
miu
 
Location: MA/NH
17,758 posts, read 40,016,529 times
Reputation: 18034
Quote:
Originally Posted by sms0511 View Post
So we got together for her birthday dinner, and for a good portion of time, her husband and my future husband spent time talking the "men" talk, and I happened to sit right next to my future husband to be able to hear these conversations -- but my friend were sitting with another female friend (single) and while my future husband and her husband were talking, she was talking to this other female friend.

Then, I heard back from my best friend, and she came to me, saying that her husband thought of my future hubby as a racist man (the racist part came from their conversations about problems w/ dating some women from a certain culture) who bashes women (???), and when her husband says "bashes women", he was referring to their talks about those female celebrities. Her husband KNEW that my friend HATES guys talk, so her husband basically used the guys' talk that he had w/ my future hubby to make my future hubby look bad to my friend.
First, let me get this right. You were able to hear the whole original conversation, but your best friend didn't and is only going by her husband's opinion of the conversation?

And... what's this about your best friend hating guy talk, is her husband saying that your husband initiated the guy talk?

Lastly, have you at all tried to tell your best friend how this conversation really went down? If not, why not? Or if you have, she doesn't believe you?

Also, why is this woman your best friend? And how large will the wedding be? And how many people invited to the rehearsal dinner? My feeling in general is that if you really want this best friend of yours to be your matron of honor, you will have to have her husband at your wedding. And if you have a table full of your wedding party, just don't sit him up there with the rest of you. No one that isn't standing next to you by the altar should be at that table then.

I agree that to have this husband at the wedding is awkward, but he is her husband. However, if my boyfriend's older sister could get married with her dad walking her down the aisle AND their mom still has an active restraining order against him plus the rest of us hate him also, then you can get through your wedding day with this one jerk in the audience. He's your best friend's husband and it's not for you to make her feel badly about her spouse's bad behaviour or to question her choice in spouse. Some people are just toxic. And I'm sure that the good vibes from the rest of your guests will drown out this jerk's bad aura.

I also think that since this guy's opinion is so completely off the wall, just ignore it because he's a nutcase, and BOTH you and your husband have to stop acting so outraged and defensive about it. This guy is just not worth your time to fuss about what he said or thinks.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 10-08-2008, 03:18 PM
 
3,490 posts, read 8,200,000 times
Reputation: 3971
Quote:
Originally Posted by sms0511 View Post
That's right! She told me that she's a very straightforward person, but beats me... why she even said it in the first place... I mean, it would be completely different if the person talking trash about my future hubby is someone that she's not married to, but this is HER HUSBAND.

So how long was your friendship w/ this gal before her fiance took over?
There is a difference between being straightforward and intentionally hurtful. Perhaps she was just being overly blunt. Who knows - obviously you know her well enough to judge if you are having her as your matron of honor.

I was friends with her for coming up on 5 years. Then he came along, and of all things had an issue with our dog who didn't like him. It's a long, complicated story, but she hates his dog and loves ours, so I think he took against ours... and thereafter against us.

She has always been the kind of person who falls in behind what her man thinks (changing political parties based on various boyfriend's views, etc). It's always been something I didn't respect about her, but now it's spread to other stuff too, and it's time to distance myself. I don't feel good about it though.

She actually just cancelled her wedding present to her sister which was a weekend away for the 4 of them, because her fiance decided that he hates her sister's new husband.

I just can't deal with someone who is acting the way she is. She said she hated how her sister acted when she was getting married, and now she's doing all the same stuff herself.

I have a low tolerance for bridezillas.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 10-08-2008, 03:20 PM
 
1,072 posts, read 2,696,249 times
Reputation: 509
Quote:
Originally Posted by miu View Post
First, let me get this right. You were able to hear the whole original conversation, but your best friend didn't and is only going by her husband's opinion of the conversation?

And... what's this about your best friend hating guy talk, is her husband saying that your husband initiated the guy talk?

Lastly, have you at all tried to tell your best friend how this conversation really went down? If not, why not? Or if you have, she doesn't believe you?

Also, why is this woman your best friend? And how large will the wedding be? And how many people invited to the rehearsal dinner? My feeling in general is that if you really want this best friend of yours to be your matron of honor, you will have to have her husband at your wedding. And if you have a table full of your wedding party, just don't sit him up there with the rest of you. No one that isn't standing next to you by the altar should be at that table then.

I agree that to have this husband at the wedding is awkward, but he is her husband. However, if my boyfriend's older sister could get married with her dad walking her down the aisle AND their mom still has an active restraining order against him plus the rest of us hate him also, then you can get through your wedding day with this one jerk in the audience. He's your best friend's husband and it's not for you to make her feel badly about her spouse's bad behaviour or to question her choice in spouse. Some people are just toxic. And I'm sure that the good vibes from the rest of your guests will drown out this jerk's bad aura.

I also think that since this guy's opinion is so completely off the wall, just ignore it because he's a nutcase, and BOTH you and your husband have to stop acting so outraged and defensive about it. This guy is just not worth your time to fuss about what he said or thinks.
And... what's this about your best friend hating guy talk, is her husband saying that your husband initiated the guy talk? Because my friend "thinks" that guys talk is disrespectful, to which I have to disagree, because well then, our female talks about men ("you know") are considered disrespectful.

Also, why is this woman your best friend? And how large will the wedding be? And how many people invited to the rehearsal dinner? This is a funny question.. WHY is she my best friend? Because we grew up in similar environments and hence, understand each other like no other woman can. Now, our friendship has grown this FAR, I can tell you, because her rotten husband was never involved in our friendship... UNTIL now...

The wedding will be small .. 20 ppl max, and only those at the bridal party and groom's party are invited to the rehearsal (our theme = small and intimate)

I hope what you said is right, that the others will be positive enough that his toxicity will get drown...
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 10-08-2008, 03:23 PM
 
1,072 posts, read 2,696,249 times
Reputation: 509
Quote:
Originally Posted by Hobokenkitchen View Post
There is a difference between being straightforward and intentionally hurtful. Perhaps she was just being overly blunt. Who knows - obviously you know her well enough to judge if you are having her as your matron of honor.

I was friends with her for coming up on 5 years. Then he came along, and of all things had an issue with our dog who didn't like him. It's a long, complicated story, but she hates his dog and loves ours, so I think he took against ours... and thereafter against us.

She has always been the kind of person who falls in behind what her man thinks (changing political parties based on various boyfriend's views, etc). It's always been something I didn't respect about her, but now it's spread to other stuff too, and it's time to distance myself. I don't feel good about it though.

She actually just cancelled her wedding present to her sister which was a weekend away for the 4 of them, because her fiance decided that he hates her sister's new husband.

I just can't deal with someone who is acting the way she is. She said she hated how her sister acted when she was getting married, and now she's doing all the same stuff herself.

I have a low tolerance for bridezillas.
Yep.

Looks like I'm not the only one dealing w/ friends' nutcase husbands. Any one else? Wait, her fiance drove a wedge over YOUR dog?!?!?!
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 10-08-2008, 03:33 PM
miu
 
Location: MA/NH
17,758 posts, read 40,016,529 times
Reputation: 18034
If the wedding party is that small, just have your other male friends run buffer so that your fiance doesn't ever have to deal with this guy again. In fact, make that one of the best man's duties for both events (rehearsal and wedding).

Otherwise, I feel that perhaps your best friend's husband is trying to sabotage your friendship with your best friend, if so, don't let him. Maybe he's the one that doesn't want her to be your matron of honor. Being matron of honor isn't cheap, so it could be for financial reasons that he or she is being weird about this situation.

And if your best friend really hates guy talk, her husband could be pushing her buttons with guy talking the way he did with your fiance. So I can also imagine that after the dinner, your best friend talks to her husband about what he thinks of your fiance and what they talked about. He then can't lie fast enough to make up other topics they could have talked about... so he twists the conversation to make your fiance look bad (and him look like a better S/O, not that it's a competition).

But ultimately, it's not worth wasting your time over their crazy relationship. And in discussing it with your fiance, he's now all worked up too. I kind of wish that you had kept this inquiry of the guy talk conversation just between your best friend and yourself. Of course, you shouldn't keep secrets from your husband, but they also hate to deal with stupid dramas either.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:


Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Relationships

All times are GMT -6.

© 2005-2024, Advameg, Inc. · Please obey Forum Rules · Terms of Use and Privacy Policy · Bug Bounty

City-Data.com - Contact Us - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37 - Top