Welcome to City-Data.com Forum!
U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Relationships
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old 10-08-2008, 01:57 PM
 
1,072 posts, read 2,695,872 times
Reputation: 509

Advertisements

Well, I came across a complex wedding-planning dilemma, and need opinions on how other people handled situations such as this.

I have a best friend that I've known for almost 10 years. Though we have known each other for almost 10 years, we've only become close friends about 2 years ago.

She and I lead busy lives -- I rarely ever see her husband of 3 years when I come over to her place (he works long hours) and when he's at home, he's either sleeping or hibernating (needs alone time), so there was never an opportunity to get together as couples (meaning her, her hubby, me, and my future husband), .... until recently.

So, as my future hubby and I are planning for our own wedding for next year, I have decided to make her my matron of honor, in "traditionally", when someone becomes a matron of honor, her significant other/ husband and kids are also invited to the wedding (right?). This decision was made BEFORE we got together as couples for the first time, and boy, now I'm thinking that I should have gotten to know how rotten her husband is before I asked her to be my matron of honor (which means, he would be invited too).

So we got together for her birthday dinner, and for a good portion of time, her husband and my future husband spent time talking the "men" talk, and I happened to sit right next to my future husband to be able to hear these conversations -- but my friend were sitting with another female friend (single) and while my future husband and her husband were talking, she was talking to this other female friend.

First, her husband started revealing about his background in regards to the kind of problems that he faced w/ women from a certain culture, that he dated BEFORE he married my friend, and so then my future husband responded that he's heard of other people having similar difficulties when it comes to dating women of that particular culture. Second, her husband started talking about hot female celebrities that he considers "hot", and my future hubby responded by saying "yeah" or "nah, not really..." So all in all, typical guys' talk.

Then, I heard back from my best friend, and she came to me, saying that her husband thought of my future hubby as a racist man (the racist part came from their conversations about problems w/ dating some women from a certain culture) who bashes women (???), and when her husband says "bashes women", he was referring to their talks about those female celebrities. Her husband KNEW that my friend HATES guys talk, so her husband basically used the guys' talk that he had w/ my future hubby to make my future hubby look bad to my friend.

So now my future hubby and I think her husband as a snake, because her husband turned around and twisted the conversations that he had w/ my future hubby (that I heard) to my friend/ his wife. Oh, and don't forget that her husband claims that he's the "straightforward" type of man that would call on a person right there on the spot if he feels that he hears something wrong. Well, apparently her husband was being two-faced when it comes to my future hubby. So now my future hubby does not want her husband in our wedding, whereas she's in actuality my matron of honor.

Geez, and I thought women are the only ones experiencing such two-faced problems like this. So my dilemma is: I want my friend to remain my matron of honor, but I do NOT want her husband in my wedding. Anyone experiences something like this?
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 10-08-2008, 02:21 PM
 
5,244 posts, read 4,696,005 times
Reputation: 1858
Wow, that dude sounds like a loser. I had a maid of honor whom the best man escorted. If your husband chooses a best man then he would be "in the party" escorting your Matron of honor, correct? Still, if your maid of honor wants her husband to accompany her as her guest, I don't think it would be right of you to say no. But, for pictures of you and your wedding party, no, the husband would not be in them at all.
Unless you want to lose your friend before your wedding, I would just let it slide. Perhaps after the wedding, explain to your friend that you heard the conversation and her hubby had it all wrong. Good luck!!!!!
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 10-08-2008, 02:28 PM
 
3,490 posts, read 8,198,978 times
Reputation: 3971
To clarify; has her husband been invited to attend the wedding, or be in the wedding party?

If he's just at the wedding, then he can go and do his own thing during the pictures, etc. If you've already invited him to be in the wedding party, then that's a different story.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 10-08-2008, 02:28 PM
 
1,072 posts, read 2,695,872 times
Reputation: 509
Quote:
Originally Posted by therewego View Post
Wow, that dude sounds like a loser. I had a maid of honor whom the best man escorted. If your husband chooses a best man then he would be "in the party" escorting your Matron of honor, correct? Still, if your maid of honor wants her husband to accompany her as her guest, I don't think it would be right of you to say no. But, for pictures of you and your wedding party, no, the husband would not be in them at all.
Unless you want to lose your friend before your wedding, I would just let it slide. Perhaps after the wedding, explain to your friend that you heard the conversation and her hubby had it all wrong. Good luck!!!!!
Oh yes, we did have a heated debate about the situation. I basically told her that:

1. Since she didn't hear the conversation between her husband and my future hubby HERSELF, I had to explain to her that the conversation was basically "guys talk". So then she responded, "Ohhhhhhhh! See, I hate guys talk!" To which point I caught the idea that, for some reason, her husband did NOT want my friend to think of ANY other men as a positive person except for himself, and he had to do that at my future hubby's expense.

2. I asked her that, "if" her husband really had "that much issue" about my future hubby, why didn't her husband be straightforward to my future hubby right then and there? To which, my friend said that she doesn't know why her husband was not being straightforward to me and my future husband.

So all in all, she knows what's going on, but her husband never wants to apologize for him lying to her about the characteristics of my future hubby. Had her husband picked up the phone and apologized to me or my future hubby (or do anything to acknowledge his mess-up), my future hubby would have been cool again, but since her husband never acknowledges what he had done (her husband is one of those people that thinks he's always right), the wedge remains, and at this point, my future husband is at a point that he would like to give her husband the middle finger.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 10-08-2008, 02:31 PM
 
1,072 posts, read 2,695,872 times
Reputation: 509
Quote:
Originally Posted by Hobokenkitchen View Post
To clarify; has her husband been invited to attend the wedding, or be in the wedding party?

If he's just at the wedding, then he can go and do his own thing during the pictures, etc. If you've already invited him to be in the wedding party, then that's a different story.
Well, ORIGINALLY, prior to the couple-dinner, we would like to include her husband as the guest (not in wedding party). But, like I mentioned above, since he lied to my friend (his wife) about my future hubby's characters (out of insecurity), and NEVER apologizes for his behaviors, it's basically a done deal. I don't want a fake person to be in my wedding or my wedding party, and unfortunately, it's her husband.

Also, I'd like to add that we have not sent out the formal invitations, so nothing is set in writing yet, per se. PRIOR to the couple-dinner, we just verbally told them that they are invited, and that she'll be my matron of honor.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 10-08-2008, 02:36 PM
 
5,244 posts, read 4,696,005 times
Reputation: 1858
Eek, it looks like you will be forcing her to make a choice: your wedding OR her husband. That is tricky. Think of it like this, right now, you are totally backing up your fiance and this is the way you should go into a marriage as a team, a united front. Stand your ground but be ready for her to stand by her husband...
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 10-08-2008, 02:38 PM
 
3,490 posts, read 8,198,978 times
Reputation: 3971
Ya know, it's totally up to you, but I invited both of my step mothers to our wedding because I wanted it to be a nice day for everyone - not just us, and it would have been awkward for my Mum and my Dad if their partners hadn't been invited. This is despite the fact that I really don't get on with either of them and haven't since I was a kid.

Do you really care if you have an extra guest? I think you will be so happy to be getting married and have your special day, that you won't even notice that he is there. I certainly didn't dwell on that kind of nonsense on my wedding day.

If you exclude him, be prepared for a conflict with your friend which will have a far bigger impact on your day than the presence of one guy at a wedding.

Having said that, if your wedding is small (like 20 people) then it would be harder to distance yourself and I will rethink my advice.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 10-08-2008, 02:38 PM
 
1,072 posts, read 2,695,872 times
Reputation: 509
Well, it seems that weddings can cause some friendships to end, because if what you said is true, then she would be entirely PO'ed if she can't have her husband go to ONE wedding w/ her.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 10-08-2008, 02:39 PM
 
1,072 posts, read 2,695,872 times
Reputation: 509
Quote:
Originally Posted by Hobokenkitchen View Post
Ya know, it's totally up to you, but I invited both of my step mothers to our wedding because I wanted it to be a nice day for everyone - not just us, and it would have been awkward for my Mum and my Dad if their partners hadn't been invited. This is despite the fact that I really don't get on with either of them and haven't since I was a kid.

Do you really care if you have an extra guest? I think you will be so happy to be getting married and have your special day, that you won't even notice that he is there. I certainly didn't dwell on that kind of nonsense on my wedding day.

If you exclude him, be prepared for a conflict with your friend which will have a far bigger impact on your day than the presence of one guy at a wedding.

Having said that, if your wedding is small (like 20 people) then it would be harder to distance yourself and I will rethink my advice.
Actually, you're right in the ballpark -- our wedding is going to be for about 20 people, MAX.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 10-08-2008, 02:39 PM
 
3,490 posts, read 8,198,978 times
Reputation: 3971
Quote:
Originally Posted by sms0511 View Post
Well, it seems that weddings can cause some friendships to end, because if what you said is true, then she would be entirely PO'ed if she can't have her husband go to ONE wedding w/ her.
To be fair if my DH didn't get invited to something because of something like that, I would have a proble with it too. You are asking for trouble IMHO.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:

Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Relationships

All times are GMT -6.

© 2005-2024, Advameg, Inc. · Please obey Forum Rules · Terms of Use and Privacy Policy · Bug Bounty

City-Data.com - Contact Us - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37 - Top