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Old 10-09-2008, 04:24 PM
 
21,893 posts, read 19,034,671 times
Reputation: 18007

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all i have to know is my bottom line and be willing to stick it

what works for me and what marriage means to me only has to make sense to me, not anyone else, it's entirely personal and individual. but if i want to be at peace with myself and retain my self-respect and dignity then my words and my actions need to match.

i am at a place in my life where if a relationship is not about long term commitment, i want no part of it. other times in my life i have been OK with a short-term affair or taking a lover for the fun of it

but right now if there is no long term possibility, if it's "dead in the water" and not going anywhere, if there is no future, if someone is not in it for the long haul, then i'm not sticking around. i dated a guy for two years, and it wasn't going anywhere and he was not interested in anything long term at all, and i left. He wanted to be in perpetual dating stage. I don't want that, i want someone i can share a life with and build a future together.

It can be marriage, but for me it doesn't have to be marriage, it does have to be long term commitment, it does have to be monogamous, and it does at some point (after being together say 2 or 3 years) have to progress into living together. It's about being on the same page with the same vision of where the relationship is going. That's just me.

Last edited by Tzaphkiel; 10-09-2008 at 04:39 PM..
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Old 10-09-2008, 04:29 PM
 
Location: SUNNY AZ
4,589 posts, read 13,133,518 times
Reputation: 1850
Quote:
Originally Posted by smoky_topaz View Post
Hypothetically....

Your boyfriend doesn't want to get married and you do.

I have never really wanted to have children, but this isn't the whole issue. I believe marriage is about honor. Unless you are talking about a middle aged couple who has already had former spouses and kids, a relationship that doesn't turn into a marriage is to me a dead-end. JMO. And then that would be their choice. It would not be because the woman or man wanted to get married and the other party refused.

I was in this situation once before. What do the women on this board do? When you told your boyfriend you expected a proposal (within a reasonable time frame) and he says he has no (like, none at all) dibs on getting married. Did you stay, attemt to compromise, or walk out the door (like I did?)

What does it represent to you when he is not willing to make you an honest woman? Cowardly? Selfish? etc....

Thanks....
Ummm...lol.....I'd say "Laters" and then "Next"
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Old 10-09-2008, 04:30 PM
 
Location: in my imagination
13,562 posts, read 21,317,901 times
Reputation: 10052
Quote:
Originally Posted by christina0001 View Post
Everyone is different.

I have a friend (female) in this situation. She is actually divorced twice with 5 children(ages 8 - 17), has been dating her bf for a couple of years, wants to get married, but he says he never wants to get married. They break up over this every few months.

A few years ago, I would have said to end the relationship. Now that I am divorced, I am more reluctant to say that. I don't necessarily think it's bad if two people love each other, live together, have kids, and just happen to have not gotten married. But I do think it is important to be with someone who has the same values as you do.

can't say I blame him at all considering that track record and I hate to call the kids this .....but baggage.Any self respecting man that doesn't want constant drama and financial pressure would refuse to say I do to that.
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Old 10-09-2008, 04:31 PM
 
Location: Pacific NW
391 posts, read 870,533 times
Reputation: 105
Quote:
Originally Posted by smoky_topaz View Post
Hypothetically....

Your boyfriend doesn't want to get married and you do.

I have never really wanted to have children, but this isn't the whole issue. I believe marriage is about honor. Unless you are talking about a middle aged couple who has already had former spouses and kids, a relationship that doesn't turn into a marriage is to me a dead-end. JMO. And then that would be their choice. It would not be because the woman or man wanted to get married and the other party refused.

I was in this situation once before. What do the women on this board do? When you told your boyfriend you expected a proposal (within a reasonable time frame) and he says he has no (like, none at all) dibs on getting married. Did you stay, attemt to compromise, or walk out the door (like I did?)

What does it represent to you when he is not willing to make you an honest woman? Cowardly? Selfish? etc....

Thanks....
selfish, uncommitted and not truely in love and afraid of commitment.
Marriage is what I wanted so it is what I got. I would not of hung out otherwise. I think a man would be pleased to have me for a life partner and my husband says HE is. I am a great wife. I spoil my husband and in return he is good to me too. Married 16 years together 17 1/2 years. No relationship is perfect but commitment is a must.
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Old 10-09-2008, 04:32 PM
 
21,893 posts, read 19,034,671 times
Reputation: 18007
Quote:
Originally Posted by smoky_topaz View Post
a relationship that doesn't turn into a marriage is to me a dead-end. What do the women on this board do? When you told your boyfriend you expected a proposal (within a reasonable time frame) and he says he has no (like, none at all) dibs on getting married. Did you stay, attemt to compromise, or walk out the door (like I did?)

As long as you clear in yourself about what works for you, then that is all that matters. It sounds like you are someone with self-respect and clarity and to me those are very valuable mature traits to have. It sounds like your words and actions match, and that you're not making the mistakes of trying to change him, or discounting the importance of your own standards. All those are wonderful signs of emotional health to me.
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Old 10-09-2008, 04:34 PM
 
Location: Pacific NW
391 posts, read 870,533 times
Reputation: 105
Quote:
Originally Posted by DimSumRaja View Post
all i have to know is my bottom line and be willing to stick it

what works for me and what marriage means to me only has to make sense to me, not anyone else, it's entirely personal and individual. but if i want to be at peace with myself and retain my self-respect and dignity then my words and my actions need to match.

i am at a place in my life where if a relationship is not about long term commitment, i want no part of it. other times in my life i have been OK with a short-term affair or taking a lover for the fun of it

but right now if there is no long term possibility, if it's "dead in the water" and not going anywhere, if there is no future, then i'm not sticking around. i dated a guy for two years, and it wasn't going anywhere and he was not interested in anything long term at all, and i left.

It can be marriage, but for me it doesn't have to be marriage, it does have to be long term commitment, it does have to be monogamous, and it does at some point (after being together say 2 or 3 years) have to progress into living together. that's just me.
I completely agree with you. To me the ceremony showed the commitment and in your relationship it's the same sort of thing. However you simbolize it. Commitment is the key.Tried to rep you but Daddy says no. So unfair

Last edited by chey2u; 10-09-2008 at 04:51 PM.. Reason: spelling
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Old 10-09-2008, 04:45 PM
 
Location: Pacific NW
391 posts, read 870,533 times
Reputation: 105
Quote:
Originally Posted by colbype View Post
I have to chime in her from a guy's point of view.

I really do not get this from a womens stand point. You want to marry him so you can spend the rest of your life together, but at that same time you will leave him if he does not marry you?

That shows that you are more into the image of being married then being with that person for the rest of your life. I just can not fathom loving some one so much that I would want to spend the rest of my life with them, only to show that is not true by giving him an altimatium. Really makes no sense to me. Women like that need to get their "supposed" priorities in order. Just my 2 cents.
While I appreciate your 2 cents because what you say makes sense for me it was a spiritual issue. I wanted to be accountable to God and those present that this was my life partner. & hey you have my grandsons name in yours so you have got to be a superstar cause he is.

Last edited by chey2u; 10-09-2008 at 06:06 PM..
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Old 10-09-2008, 04:55 PM
 
Location: SUNNY AZ
4,589 posts, read 13,133,518 times
Reputation: 1850
Quote:
Originally Posted by colbype View Post
I have to chime in her from a guy's point of view.

I really do not get this from a womens stand point. You want to marry him so you can spend the rest of your life together, but at that same time you will leave him if he does not marry you?

That shows that you are more into the image of being married then being with that person for the rest of your life. I just can not fathom loving some one so much that I would want to spend the rest of my life with them, only to show that is not true by giving him an altimatium. Really makes no sense to me. Women like that need to get their "supposed" priorities in order. Just my 2 cents.
alright...Look sweetie Part of loving somone in the first place is loving not only who they are but what they stand for as well as their beliefs.....how could you be truly in love with somone who doesn't share the same life goals? It's not about being hard core and harshly dumping somone bcs they don't want to marry you but it's about taking care of yourself and your life and keeping yourself on track to accomplish your goals.....I dated my now hubby for like 5 years before we got married bcs I didn't want to get married too young....but he loved me and he knew it was in the plan so he waited.......if you know it's not even in the plan why bother sticking around if what you want is to get married eventually some day???? You may have a full refund of your 2 cents
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Old 10-09-2008, 05:21 PM
 
Location: Griffin, Georgia
749 posts, read 2,078,263 times
Reputation: 723
I'm not dating this person anymore...broke up six months ago, and am happy to be free of the drama of that situation. As far as "Honor" goes, this person didn't honor me in daily life, not just in the case of a piece of paper. Thanks for your posts.

Oh and what do people here think of "common law" marriage? Do you think it's the same? Of course, not every state recognizes common law marriage.
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Old 10-09-2008, 05:57 PM
 
21,893 posts, read 19,034,671 times
Reputation: 18007
Quote:
Originally Posted by smoky_topaz View Post
I'm not dating this person anymore...broke up six months ago, and am happy to be free of the drama of that situation. As far as "Honor" goes, this person didn't honor me in daily life, not just in the case of a piece of paper. Thanks for your posts.

Oh and what do people here think of "common law" marriage? Do you think it's the same? Of course, not every state recognizes common law marriage.
i like the definition here of honor, as a measure of how a person feels they are treated, with respect, consideration, and valued. It sounds like you are showing self-respect, i applaud that.

another aspect of marriage is the legal benefits and protection it provides. It varies depending on where you live. Trust your gut, if you know in your gut marriage is something significant to you, then be with someone who feels the same way and values marriage as you do. I think it shows a commitment to build a relationship together. Others see it as a "trap" (which never made sense to me because you can leave anyway). You never have to justify, defend, or explain how you choose to do relationship.

for common law marriage get online and research it for the area you live in, talk to an attorney free for 30 minutes through referral service. My understanding is it's a way of giving some legal and financial protection to a partner and/or children even if the couple isn't married, if certain criteria are met (how long they lived together, children, etc.)

I live in an area where there are also tribal marriages recognized with legal protection and benefits, based on tribal law which is legally binding, so some marriage questions are judged and decided in tribal courts, some in non-tribal courts of law.
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